rants: stolen goods & trust

When I was growing up in Elmhurst, Queens (1983-85), my parents would to little steal things and sell them abroad to make ends meet. Maybe it was expected from them as the buyers were more than happy to pay for these goods. This isn't the example parents should give their children, but maybe they knew I wouldn't turn them in or betray them. Maybe this is what made me more and more cynical over the years. This might have also triggered my lack of trust and dying dependency on my parents when I was between thirteen and fifteen. About this time, I still trusted my parents and kin, but that trust slowly decayed in less than a decade.

When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.

My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/remembering-my-grandmother.html).

At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!

all hallows' eve: the fun

Hallowe'en (Halloween) is the night when the dead walk the face of the earth or when the weirdos walk the earth if you live in NYC. It's the night of costumes, mischief, pumpkins with candles and a good excuse for freshly baked pumpkin pie.

It's simply my favorite time of the year (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/autumn-pumpkins-apple-pies.html) -- an old Pagan celebration of the occult (the unknown) followed by All Saints Day. It's no surprise that these two traditions are intertwined as the dead are celebrated in a variety of customs.

To me, it's a bit different though. The day before Hallowe'en is my brother's birthday (46). It's a two day excuse to party and drink before going to church. Well at least, this is what it could and should have been (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). Nowadays we're older and dull with children, work and other mundane obligations. At least, we still have Hallowe'en to act like children or at least make our children silly.

no bother, no sisters

My father's been married several times. In his first marriage, my oldest sister (two months shy of 48) and only brother (46) were born. During a fling, my other sister (40) was born -- who happens to be cousin to a good friend of mine since we were four years old (now 39).

Stupidly enough my parents had the great idea to keep away from my half-brother and my two half-sisters for about eight years. I practically grew up alone while seeing my friends with brothers and/or sisters.

At the age of 15, I finally met my oldest sister and only brother. A year or so later, my other sister introduced herself as such whom I had known only as my friend's cousin.

My father was willing to introduce me to my oldest sister (maybe the last good thing that my father ever did for my oldest sister and me; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html) who pushed me to meet by brother. Then I introduced my younger sister to my brother and older sister. This is no way to meet one's family, but this is the way we finally met and got together.