1 John 1:8-9

I've heard this words many times and I hadn't realized it's in the Gospels. I've got read/study the Bible more.

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. (1 John 1:8-9 NLT)

rants: so many books, yet nothing I care to read

I've got a small collection of ebooks including several versions of the Bible (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/bible-in-my-hand.html) that I move in and out of the memory card of my mobile as often I finish reading them or decide not to waste my time on them anymore. This means that I can actually read any or all of them anywhere. Nonetheless as of late, I've lost interest in doing so (possible sign of another bout with depression; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/no-idea-what-to-do.html). At times, i wish were normal (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html).

my son's first ever seizure, a friend's prayer

Last night, I received an email from a dear friend of mine. I won't post my friend's name since that person knows whom I'm referring to and that's more than enough for us both.

i can't figure out how to comment on your blog... wanted to let you know i'm praying for your son.

My response was from the heart.

As cynical as I can be, I learned not to trust others. At the same time, after living with my father who is a pathological liar (to say the least; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/rants-stolen-goods-trust.html), I learned not to say anything I don't feel (different from not lying). Furthermore, as I have stated in my blog, whatever little I post on-line is not to trigger any one's pity or any other emotion (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-no-ones.html). Needless to say I do appreciate your honest words. As a matter of fact, no one else has bothered. Said all this, thank you for your words and prayers. I do appreciate them. You're a good friend and soul.

It's good to know that some people do care. Thank you my dear friend (once again, no name needed).

the Book of Psalms: Prayer of Examen

as I continue my consideration on the Psalms (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/book-of-psalms-psalter.html)... the Prayer of Examen, based on Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

the Book of Psalms: Psalter

This morning I got The 1979 US Book of Common Prayer (http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/bcp.htm) in PDF in order to read the section on the Book of Psalms (Psalter) as per the recommendation of a minister. Immediately being such a geek (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/being-geek-and-christian.html), I made a 639 KB PRC file (electronic book) to read on my mobile using MobiPocket. To no one's surprise, I'm not too eager to read such book. If reading the Psalms is so bloody important for me to do, I'd just read them from any of the translations and/or versions of the Bible that I've got.

I guess my desperation to get this book was merely to convert the PDF to PRC. Maybe I'm too much of a geek (sciences, music, etc) that I keep thinking and over-analyzing everything -- hence failing to have an open mind to be a "real" Christian. Could it be that I'm too stupidly smart for my own good? Then again, I could simply be stupid and lack patience and faith.

My over all lack of interest to read this book is by no means an act of disrespect to this book and/or the ideas expressed in it, those who wrote it and/or updated it, its history and/or its relation to the Church of England, the Anglican Church and/or anyone else involved with such book. I might just be avoiding such a long and strict reading based on the words of man. Then again, I could still be stupid and lack patience and faith.

ordained, three months later

Three months after being ordained by the Universal Life Church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html), my little faith's of course still tested. Maybe it'll be for the rest of my life for accepting this responsibility. My problem's that I'm not sure what I'm doing or what to really do. I'm glad the Universal Life Church website has a guide that someone like can definitely use (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity). Of course, all this means absolutely nothing I can't even help my own son with prayer and my pains (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html). Maybe I'm just a sham (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/me-me-always-me.html).

rants: stolen goods & trust

When I was growing up in Elmhurst, Queens (1983-85), my parents would to little steal things and sell them abroad to make ends meet. Maybe it was expected from them as the buyers were more than happy to pay for these goods. This isn't the example parents should give their children, but maybe they knew I wouldn't turn them in or betray them. Maybe this is what made me more and more cynical over the years. This might have also triggered my lack of trust and dying dependency on my parents when I was between thirteen and fifteen. About this time, I still trusted my parents and kin, but that trust slowly decayed in less than a decade.

When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.

My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/remembering-my-grandmother.html).

At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-sunday-08012010.html

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/15-weeks-later.html

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html

I hope it's depression (BPD; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/search/label/depression) and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.

no God? yeah right!

Why do atheist groups dedicate so much effort telling people (believers and not) that we (believers) are wrong? Everyday Christian (http://www.everydaychristian.com/) just posted an article about a new advert campaign by American Humanist Association (http://www.considerhumanism.org/) to discredit the Bible.

Atheist Group Launching National Ad Campaign Challenging Bible
http://www.everydaychristian.com/news/weblink/8887/

These groups of non-believers spend lots more effort telling people that there's no God than we (Christians) spend teaching about God. Maybe it's the sickening desperation of proving themselves that their belief system must be true, yet doubting their own belief system.

free Bibles, but the Gospels only

In the Times Square subway station, I sometimes see people preaching the word of God or at least trying to get people to repent talking about the end of times. These same people hand out lots of reading material including free Bibles. The only problem I see in all this is that these Bibles are only the four Gospels (no Old Testament, no other books from the New Testament).

• This means that we only have the storied of Christ's life, three-year public ministry, crucifixion, death, resurrection and Word (Gospels only).
• Therefore the the prophets, the people of God (Old Testament), the coming of Christ and the letters of the early Church (New Testament) are missing.

Of course, the distribution of at least part of the Good News remains a good idea.

walking by a Lutheran church: this we believe

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-no-930.html), I started reading "This We Believe" from the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod website (http://www.wels.net/). I'm including two quotes that have made me think what it means to be a "true" Christian. Of course, I might be wrong.

Although I've heard the concept that the Old Testament predicted the coming of Jesus many times before, the words in the following quote made this concept clearer to understand and believe.

"5. We believe that the entire Bible is Christ-centered. In the Old Testament God repeatedly promised a divine deliverer from sin, death, and hell. The New Testament proclaims that this promised deliverer has come in the person of Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus himself says of the Old Testament, 'These are the Scriptures that testify about me' (John 5:39)."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/gods-revelation

Maybe I'm desperate to understand and find God that I'm too naive to be eagerly attracted to any likable text (not saying that such text could be wrong, as of yet). I just fail to question my beliefs at times. I also fail to remember that people are imperfect and that human understanding and comprehension are painfully limited.

Then again I should point out that the following quote also from "This We Believe" makes lots of sense. We should keep in mind that some books referred to as the "true" or "best" interpretation of the Bible aren't quite the Word of God. Some of these translations could be biased or simply erroneously false willingly or not.

"11. We believe that the original Hebrew text of the Old Testament and the Greek text of the New Testament are the inspired Word of God. Translations of the Hebrew and Greek that accurately reflect the meaning of the original text convey God's truth to people and can properly be called the Word of God."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/gods-revelation?page=0,1

Of course, we should admit and understand that it's hard to say which Bible's truer or better than another (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-bible-vs-your-bible.html). For the time being, I keep jumping from NRSV to KJV to WEB.

In all, the WELS website's got lots of good information to understand and reaffirm what it means to be a Christian. Nonetheless my curiosity doesn't mean that I'm planing to change churches any time soon. If there's one thing that I've learned and that's changed me, it's been the opportunity to be a servant of God by serving others. This last concept -- heavily driven into our minds at FAPC -- seems to be the truer meaning of being a Christian, at least to me within my limited humanoid understanding.

all hallows' eve: the fun

Hallowe'en (Halloween) is the night when the dead walk the face of the earth or when the weirdos walk the earth if you live in NYC. It's the night of costumes, mischief, pumpkins with candles and a good excuse for freshly baked pumpkin pie.

It's simply my favorite time of the year (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/autumn-pumpkins-apple-pies.html) -- an old Pagan celebration of the occult (the unknown) followed by All Saints Day. It's no surprise that these two traditions are intertwined as the dead are celebrated in a variety of customs.

To me, it's a bit different though. The day before Hallowe'en is my brother's birthday (46). It's a two day excuse to party and drink before going to church. Well at least, this is what it could and should have been (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). Nowadays we're older and dull with children, work and other mundane obligations. At least, we still have Hallowe'en to act like children or at least make our children silly.

no bother, no sisters

My father's been married several times. In his first marriage, my oldest sister (two months shy of 48) and only brother (46) were born. During a fling, my other sister (40) was born -- who happens to be cousin to a good friend of mine since we were four years old (now 39).

Stupidly enough my parents had the great idea to keep away from my half-brother and my two half-sisters for about eight years. I practically grew up alone while seeing my friends with brothers and/or sisters.

At the age of 15, I finally met my oldest sister and only brother. A year or so later, my other sister introduced herself as such whom I had known only as my friend's cousin.

My father was willing to introduce me to my oldest sister (maybe the last good thing that my father ever did for my oldest sister and me; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html) who pushed me to meet by brother. Then I introduced my younger sister to my brother and older sister. This is no way to meet one's family, but this is the way we finally met and got together.

my father's last betrayal

My father betrayed me several times -- accusing me of theft, allowing some woman he was sleeping with to steal my child support money, leaving to pay his debts several times, constantly lying to me and even having the audacity to kick us out his apartment after a fight when he had no where to go putting my son out in the street like a dog (horrible expression).

I gave him several "second" chances to correct his actions, but his last betrayal was just too much. No one offends my children in any way and gets away with it.

For the past six years, I haven't talked to my father and have no intention of doing so. As much as the Bible says that we should revere our parents, my father deserves none. As much as the Bible says that we should forgive our trespassers, I don't think I'll ever forgive my father.

Maybe all this makes me a bad son, but at least I am a good father to my children (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/pledge-campaign.html). Well God will decide who's right and who's wrong, but at least my children are safe.

the on-line church: Sword Project

Setting up a Unix (http://www.unix.org/) server can be a pain, but at least you know the server will work properly -- something that I can't say about other operating systems. Said this, I've trying to set up an Apache (http://www.apache.org/) web server running Sword (http://www.crosswire.org/sword/) with at least one Bible module. So far, I haven't had much success. I know I'm making a silly mistake, but I'm not sure where I'm messing up. Anyway I want to achieve this out of curiosity and maybe put it on-line for Bible study.

two years later: such a confused man that I am or have simply become

So what am I?

1. I was raised Catholic, but always questioned the Church and its traditions and rites. Questioning the Catholic church would immediately brand me as a heretic or Protestant.

2. I took a break from church (not religion) for about fourteen (14) years. I read about different religions and faiths including Krishna.

3. I checked out the Methodist and Anglican church (2008), but I didn't feel comfortable there.

4. I've gone to a Presbyterian (Protestant) church for two years (since 2008). After a lot of soul searching, I even became a member of that church (congregation and denominational records).

5. Now I've become an "ordained minister" (pastor) in the Universal Life Church. Nonetheless I still go to the same Presbyterian church.

At the end of the day, what am I? At least, I know that I'm a Christian.

two years later: such a charlatan that I am or have simply become

Just for kicks, I got ordained as a Universal Life Church (http://www.themonastery.org/) minister on-line in under a minute (http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination). Nonetheless my views on what it takes to become a pastor remain the same. A person must study the Bible in Greek and Hebrew at least, theology, how to pray and deliver a good sermon, how to be an ambassador of God on earth and so on.

Said the latter, I might never be a pastor. Most importantly, I don't see myself using a title like "pastor" to get a tax break or other benefits. After all, I know that I might not be a shepherd (definition of the word "pastor") of any flock after all (other than my boys). Further more, I don't see myself pure enough to officiate a wedding or other "divine" functions.

In the end, getting ordained on-line under the jurisdiction of the ULC might be a blessing after all. I could use it to learn more about religion as a whole and perhaps be a better Christian.

"Ordination is the personal calling of an individual, by God, to enter into the ministry, usually in a church leadership role capacity. Because they say that God, and not any man or organization, directs people to go into ministry."
http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/5-ordination-training/255-legality-of-online-ordinations?template=themonastery

Ironically this ordination took place on the eve of me coming church -- FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) to be precise -- for 104 weeks straight (two years). I know and understand that I might be an ordained minister (pastor) on paper as per the ULC, but I truly wish at times that I was a "real" pastor at a church like FAPC (a place I've learned to consider my spiritual home for the past two years).

In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth). Now I must do the best of this situation and the opportunity to serve God and be a better person too (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/christian-in-word-not-in-action.html).

outside society

As a human I think too much about everything around me. I constantly feel like an observer, an outsider. My mind shifts from society, its norms and its folklore to the individual's myths, beliefs and religion. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of learning and acquiring wisdom.

I'm just outside society and the "common" social or individualistic life. I observe others all the time especially when I've got nothing to do. I see groups of individuals (considering that humans love to group people and things to understand them).

1. Many are simply worried about their work, reading and/or answering emails, making sure their suits are perfect and perhaps forgetting how to live.

2. Some study to know more either for money or knowledge. This includes those "intellectuals" who read War and Peace on their time off (nothing wrong with reading great literature, of course, especially Tolstoy; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Tolstoy) to simply show off.

3. Some don't seem to care about anything at all, but themselves (pretty faces and/or bodies, expensive clothes, latest mobile phone, etc).

4. Some just seem to live in fear for whatever wicked reason. They dwell in silence and pain -- almost in a state of paranoia.

5. Some read religious material like devotionals and even the Bible itself.

These individuals seem to fit in one or more groups at one or another. Nonetheless our society seems to have five gods -- work/money, knowledge, self, fear and The Lord.

I don't know which of these (other than the third) is correct. I wish I could the say the fifth, but I'd be a hypocrite. I've been part of all these groups (except the third) at some point or another. Then again, out shame or obligation, I want it to be the fifth. Hence most of the material of this blog I've written while riding the subway or bus.

In this city, we're too careful (fear) and keep to ourselves (privacy). We all worry about holding on to jobs and/or have some type of monetary income to pay rent and have something to eat. Therefore religion at times plays little importance.

from CBN, UK Hospital Trust Proposes Bible Ban

Out of tradidion, out of faith, Bibles have been a stable of relief in hospitals. If one's dying, one has fear of God and desperately wants to be on God's good side. It's human nature, reaction and need for survival. Now there are news of a hospital in the UK saying that the dying may not have confort in the Word of God(http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/world/2010/July/UK-Hospital-Trust-Proposes-Bible-Ban-/). Now this is ridiculous!

devotionals, pt. 2

I'd like to take the entries of this blog to something more than merely being wrapped around XML (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xml). I'd like to publish this whole lot, make a difference, convert someone, teach the Word of God and practically start a ministry. It's such a big dream -- perhaps bigger than all others I've had. If we're all ministers of faith, that means that I might be half-way there, but I doubt it.

Does anyone read this blog aside from a handful of my friends at times? I haven't paid attention at the statistics or logs of this blog. I'm afraid to see that no one comes about.

Is this making anyone think? Can these words I write (type) bring anyone closer to God? I truly hope so.

Am I pure in heart and soul to teach and preach to others? No, I'm not. I've got much to learn about being some sort role model. Of course, this would mean rebuilding my whole life from its foundations, but it can be hard (not impossible) to let go of one's wrongly adopted survival instincts (anger, anxiety, lack of trust, etc). Said the latter, I don't consider myself a nice person at times although I want to be. For the time being, I can only advise those who now face the demons (suicide, self hurt, alcohol to cope with life, etc) that I've faced. Once again, answering my previous two questions, I hope I can help anyone with my experiences, sins and pains even if this is no devotional (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/devotionals-our-father-which-art-in.html) or collection of.