According to the program "Gates of Hell" on the History Channel, different societies have believed that the entrance to hell's here on earth -- emphasizing on the three-tier belief adopted by Christianity that Heaven's above us (sky), earth's where we live and hell's underneath us (magma, center of earth).
One thing that emphasized on this two-hour program's that Christianity's based lots of its traditions (scaring, converting people, etc) in the concept of damnation (fire, punishment in the flesh, eternal suffering, etc; yet psychological torture hardly mentioned).
I've got no doubt that hell exists. I believe that I've gone through the horror of hell many times in my life and come back just to feel them many times again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html).
Nonetheless I don't think it's a place underneath the earth's crust. I believe that it's a spiritual place where souls are tortured.
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
rants: good bread vs bad bread
I think it's really stupid that a loaf of mass-produced bread loaded with preservatives and artificial ingredients costs as much as a small bakery fresh bread. Hence I prefer to buy a loaf from a small bakery with better taste and quality, which also means that it'd rot in under a week (no preservatives).
rants: trembling hands
I wrote the following early last night (not edited, as if anyone cared).
"Anxiety's kicking me in the teeth right now. My right hand's trembling while my left remains fairly still. I'm in a much too crowded place and I don't feel calm at all -- regardless how much I try to keep my mind busy."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
rants: keeping myself busy (sane)
Although for a while I've had trouble concentrating hard enough to read the ebooks I've got (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-so-many-books-yet-nothing-i-care.html), I've been able to read the Guide to Divinity (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity) a little bit at a time.
I've also been holding whatever's left of my sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) by writing system documentation and cleaning up some code. As a matter of fact, my pet project in the past three days has been changing a website from ColdFusion (CFM) to PHP. All this work's actually for a temporary step to move the website to a new hosting company as soon as possible. Then I'll start working on the brand new site using WordPress. For me this is lots of fun although I still have about 136 bugs as I'm writing this entry. Of course, the best part is finally moving this site back to a much more reliable Unix environment.
Watching TV is another thing's that's helping me -- especially comedies like Two and Half Men (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369179/) and science fiction like Doctor Who (http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/).
I've also been holding whatever's left of my sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) by writing system documentation and cleaning up some code. As a matter of fact, my pet project in the past three days has been changing a website from ColdFusion (CFM) to PHP. All this work's actually for a temporary step to move the website to a new hosting company as soon as possible. Then I'll start working on the brand new site using WordPress. For me this is lots of fun although I still have about 136 bugs as I'm writing this entry. Of course, the best part is finally moving this site back to a much more reliable Unix environment.
Watching TV is another thing's that's helping me -- especially comedies like Two and Half Men (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369179/) and science fiction like Doctor Who (http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/).
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
rants: so many books, yet nothing I care to read
I've got a small collection of ebooks including several versions of the Bible (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/bible-in-my-hand.html) that I move in and out of the memory card of my mobile as often I finish reading them or decide not to waste my time on them anymore. This means that I can actually read any or all of them anywhere. Nonetheless as of late, I've lost interest in doing so (possible sign of another bout with depression; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/no-idea-what-to-do.html). At times, i wish were normal (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html).
my son's first ever seizure, a friend's prayer
Last night, I received an email from a dear friend of mine. I won't post my friend's name since that person knows whom I'm referring to and that's more than enough for us both.
My response was from the heart.
It's good to know that some people do care. Thank you my dear friend (once again, no name needed).
i can't figure out how to comment on your blog... wanted to let you know i'm praying for your son.
My response was from the heart.
As cynical as I can be, I learned not to trust others. At the same time, after living with my father who is a pathological liar (to say the least; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/rants-stolen-goods-trust.html), I learned not to say anything I don't feel (different from not lying). Furthermore, as I have stated in my blog, whatever little I post on-line is not to trigger any one's pity or any other emotion (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-no-ones.html). Needless to say I do appreciate your honest words. As a matter of fact, no one else has bothered. Said all this, thank you for your words and prayers. I do appreciate them. You're a good friend and soul.
It's good to know that some people do care. Thank you my dear friend (once again, no name needed).
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
my son's first ever seizure, no one's bloody pity
I share and keep a record of my opinion and intimate troubles as I maintain my privacy and that of my children. I want no one's pity and/or charity. Having explained the latter, if you want to pray for my child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-counting.html), please do so as God might listen. If you think I'm whining, fuck you and stop reading this blog.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
rants: stolen goods & trust
When I was growing up in Elmhurst, Queens (1983-85), my parents would to little steal things and sell them abroad to make ends meet. Maybe it was expected from them as the buyers were more than happy to pay for these goods. This isn't the example parents should give their children, but maybe they knew I wouldn't turn them in or betray them. Maybe this is what made me more and more cynical over the years. This might have also triggered my lack of trust and dying dependency on my parents when I was between thirteen and fifteen. About this time, I still trusted my parents and kin, but that trust slowly decayed in less than a decade.
When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.
My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/remembering-my-grandmother.html).
At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!
When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.
My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/remembering-my-grandmother.html).
At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!
rants: money & debts
At work, I get paid every two Thursdays (direct deposit available on Friday). It's not a lot, but it's a secure job and pay. From this money I pay my bills and rent. I also try to pay medical expenses and some other needs, which means putting these expenses on my credit card. In all, I usually end with less than $100 left over from paycheck to paycheck
Having a sick child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/raising-sick-child-afraid-of-future.html) and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html).
Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.
What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.
Having a sick child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/raising-sick-child-afraid-of-future.html) and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html).
Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.
What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.
Monday, December 20, 2010
rants: project? what project?
This blog (project) -- which was supposed to be mostly a log of my spiritual life while searching for God -- has become a small log of my general/godless life including my pains, worries and whatever other issues going around in my mind. Well in some way, I guess this blog's still a brief and opaque window into my twisted and troubled soul.
Friday, December 10, 2010
rants: a changed man
Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.
I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).
In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.
I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).
In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
rants: like an orphan
Sometimes I wonder if having no relationship with my father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html) feels like being an orphan. Then again an orphan would most likely remember his/her parent(s) with some level of love and good memories.
In these cruel days of worries (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I wonder if I'd feel any better by telling him that his grandchild had to spend a night at the hospital merely three blocks away from he lives, but he wouldn't care. After all, he didn't care before as he dared kicking my sick son (two at the time) out to the streets like a dog (horrible expression since no dog ever deserves such abuse).
I admit that I might have never been the child he wanted. After all, I've never been a sports fan or a good child (trouble maker, strong temper, etc), shared his beliefs (politics, society, sleeping with as many women as possible, behavior and attitude especially to my two sisters and brother, etc) and even called him when he lies (lawyer). Then again, he also dared to say that maybe I wasn't his son to several people except to my face making him such a coward.
Once again, I conclude that my father's not worth my time, effort and forgiveness. He betrayed me and dared to betray my sick child. Needless to say (type), I'd never forgive him for his offensive actions against me and my children.
In these cruel days of worries (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I wonder if I'd feel any better by telling him that his grandchild had to spend a night at the hospital merely three blocks away from he lives, but he wouldn't care. After all, he didn't care before as he dared kicking my sick son (two at the time) out to the streets like a dog (horrible expression since no dog ever deserves such abuse).
I admit that I might have never been the child he wanted. After all, I've never been a sports fan or a good child (trouble maker, strong temper, etc), shared his beliefs (politics, society, sleeping with as many women as possible, behavior and attitude especially to my two sisters and brother, etc) and even called him when he lies (lawyer). Then again, he also dared to say that maybe I wasn't his son to several people except to my face making him such a coward.
Once again, I conclude that my father's not worth my time, effort and forgiveness. He betrayed me and dared to betray my sick child. Needless to say (type), I'd never forgive him for his offensive actions against me and my children.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
rants: the same rants
A friend of mine* writes about the same topic over and over. It's her way to cope with the pain that kills her inside. She'll share her pain as long as she's got an audience who'd hear her.
I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).
As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.
On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.
I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).
As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.
On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.
* Hey kiddo, I'm sorry if my comments hurt your feelings. Sometimes you can only let go when it's time to let go.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
rants: spiritual guide
As much as I've tried to be a "spiritual guide" to someone, I haven't yet connected with anyone. It may all be a stupid dream or desire. I've even considered to have some sort of on-line ministry, but this is going nowhere regardless how much I pour my soul out. Then again, it's only been three weeks' time since I became ordained.
Needless to say, it was much easier when writing about wrestling (site no longer live) or computer systems. People would look for my information. Now in the case of saving souls, not many people look for my ideas (this blog). Perhaps I need to restructure my ideas (already in this blog) into a "real" website, but they might not necessarily translate properly in this other format.
Well by accepting my ordination, I became a "small time" minister. Now it's my responsibility to make the best of it. Perhaps it was a calling. Then again, it might have a foolish joke and now I must face the consequences -- its obligations as such.
Needless to say, it was much easier when writing about wrestling (site no longer live) or computer systems. People would look for my information. Now in the case of saving souls, not many people look for my ideas (this blog). Perhaps I need to restructure my ideas (already in this blog) into a "real" website, but they might not necessarily translate properly in this other format.
Well by accepting my ordination, I became a "small time" minister. Now it's my responsibility to make the best of it. Perhaps it was a calling. Then again, it might have a foolish joke and now I must face the consequences -- its obligations as such.
rants: ordained minister
We all have rants that we don't let go and return to again and again. My current involves my ordination and weather or not I'm worthy of such.
Before I start my long rant, I must emphasize that I'm a minister of faith (every Christian's obligation to teach others about God) as emphasized by the Presbyterian Church. Am I betraying or mocking PC(USA) by accepting the ordination of ULC?
Said the latter, could asking for this ordination be a mistake -- a poor joke gone bitter or simply backfiring at me? After all, I wanted to be ordained, but was it a good idea?
Maybe wanting to be ordained and being ordained is matter of choice regardless how impure one may be. In such case, my desire to be an ordained minister (pastor) could have been enough to be ordained and take on such responsibility. Nonetheless I still believe that a pastor must have a degree in theology and follow the "correct" procedure to be a "real" pastor (seminary, church, ministry, etc).
Nonetheless, I feel I'm deceiving myself thinking I could be an ordained minister (ULC). Nonetheless I look for cheap excuses to justify my actions. I'm such a farce and this might all be a charade.
Before I start my long rant, I must emphasize that I'm a minister of faith (every Christian's obligation to teach others about God) as emphasized by the Presbyterian Church. Am I betraying or mocking PC(USA) by accepting the ordination of ULC?
Said the latter, could asking for this ordination be a mistake -- a poor joke gone bitter or simply backfiring at me? After all, I wanted to be ordained, but was it a good idea?
Maybe wanting to be ordained and being ordained is matter of choice regardless how impure one may be. In such case, my desire to be an ordained minister (pastor) could have been enough to be ordained and take on such responsibility. Nonetheless I still believe that a pastor must have a degree in theology and follow the "correct" procedure to be a "real" pastor (seminary, church, ministry, etc).
Nonetheless, I feel I'm deceiving myself thinking I could be an ordained minister (ULC). Nonetheless I look for cheap excuses to justify my actions. I'm such a farce and this might all be a charade.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)