my son's first ever seizure, constant fear

It's been about six weeks since my son had a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I still feel a high level of panic when I see ambulance close to where we live (much too often as we live by a main route to a city hospital). I immediately think that the EMT are rushing to see my son again. Needless to say (type), I'm scared that my little boy might get another seizure regardless how much so-called experts say that the seizure could've been some random one-off event (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html).

I must admit that I can no longer remember clearly all that happened that night -- the seizure, the lights from the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, staying at the hospital about four hours and getting back home in a livery car. Maybe my mind's trying to protect itself "forgetting" this experience in order to hold on to my vanishing sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-keeping-myself-busy-sane.html). In all, I don't want to go through it again though I'm stuck with the role of the strong and fearless adult during this and all emergencies. As a matter of fact, as a former member of the Red Cross and someone who wanted to be a medical doctor at some point of my life, I've always been the cold and calculating individual in case of an emergency, but in this case it was my son at risk.

Previously, the only other time that I was constantly scared of ambulances and other first rescue vehicles was right after 9/11 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-vs-paranoia.html). It took me then almost three years to put these fears away.

Said the latter, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get rid of my current fears.

my son's first ever seizure, a friend's prayer

Last night, I received an email from a dear friend of mine. I won't post my friend's name since that person knows whom I'm referring to and that's more than enough for us both.

i can't figure out how to comment on your blog... wanted to let you know i'm praying for your son.

My response was from the heart.

As cynical as I can be, I learned not to trust others. At the same time, after living with my father who is a pathological liar (to say the least; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/rants-stolen-goods-trust.html), I learned not to say anything I don't feel (different from not lying). Furthermore, as I have stated in my blog, whatever little I post on-line is not to trigger any one's pity or any other emotion (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-no-ones.html). Needless to say I do appreciate your honest words. As a matter of fact, no one else has bothered. Said all this, thank you for your words and prayers. I do appreciate them. You're a good friend and soul.

It's good to know that some people do care. Thank you my dear friend (once again, no name needed).

walking by a Lutheran church: a little friendly confrontation

Yesterday I walked by the same Lutheran church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/walking-by-lutheran-church.html) as its small congregation was getting ready for service. I felt weird walking by and looking in through its large glass windows. At some point, I'd considered going to this church for at least one service, but all I can say is that some people can't handle a little friendly confrontation discussing differences in secondary Christian beliefs and/or practices. In the end, I've opted not to visit this church (at least for the time being), to remain curious and to simply continue going to FAPC as originally planned. Said all this, I guess I must emphasize on the following.

1. The clergy in that Lutheran church were welcoming, seemed honest and offered me a place to worship. My comments are by no means an insult or other level of offense to the clergy of such church and/or the church itself.
2. I do respect the ideology of the Lutheran Church although I didn't quite agree with all of it (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-born-dead-in.html).
3. I also respect all material written to God, from God, for God by any group of Christians. Of course, this by no means forces me to agree with it all or any of it at all.

rants: stolen goods & trust

When I was growing up in Elmhurst, Queens (1983-85), my parents would to little steal things and sell them abroad to make ends meet. Maybe it was expected from them as the buyers were more than happy to pay for these goods. This isn't the example parents should give their children, but maybe they knew I wouldn't turn them in or betray them. Maybe this is what made me more and more cynical over the years. This might have also triggered my lack of trust and dying dependency on my parents when I was between thirteen and fifteen. About this time, I still trusted my parents and kin, but that trust slowly decayed in less than a decade.

When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.

My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/no-bother-no-sisters.html). She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/remembering-my-grandmother.html).

At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!

my statement of faith as of 2010/12/16

It's a good idea to confess our faith and beliefs on God periodically and compare each to previous ones. Said the latter, without reading my previous statement of faith, I've written the following.

I believe in a (only one) God

1. who's good and never cruel,
2. who'll one day respond to my most important prayer,
3. who'll someday heal my son and/or lead me to find a cure,
4. who'll someday take away the suffering from my sick little boy,
5. who'll be with my sick child after I die and/or give him a new carer,
6. who's at the same time failed to protect my son and saw me holding my lifeless child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html),
7. who's seen me break down and live my deepest pains for my sick child too many times,
8. whom I've doubted many times in anger and despair if he'll ever heal my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html),
9. whom I still have faith that my son will be healthy once again (wishful, hopeful thinking),
10. who still gives me strength to continue fighting for my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html),

My original idea when writing this statement was to compare it against the first one I ever published (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html), but I don't think it's good idea any more. I see I'm holding too much pain and anger right now. I might have simply changed for the worse as a Christian (lack of faith) and a person (more negative to humankind in general).

turkey, the holy bird

Many Christians in many parts of the world celebrate Christmas (happy birthday Jesus) with special feasts eating particular foods based on culture, tradition and/or society. In the US, the celebration of Christmas -- as well as Thanksgiving (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/giving-thanks.html) -- includes eating turkey.

When did eating the flesh of animals become part of any Christian celebration -- especially Christmas? Maybe it's time to spare a turkey (or any other animal, for that matter) and join Jesus in a temple during the celebration of God's incarnation and coming to earth.

Better yet, celebrating Christmas with a vegetarian dinner might even be a better idea. Why should we slaughter an animal to celebrate the coming of God? Shouldn't we better celebrate God by celebrating His creation?

By the way, if you're in NYC, come and join me at FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/news/502-advent-marks-new-season) to celebrate Christmas. I hope to see you there.

not giving thanks

One thing that annoys me is when I hold the door for someone (man or woman, well usually the latter) and that person "forgets" to thank me (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/giving-thanks.html). These people fail to realize that I've got no obligation to hold any door for anyone. Nonetheless these people think that society (me being part of) owes them something like holding a door and hence don't need to thank me or anyone else for that matter.

giving thanks

If we consider that we should thank others when do something for us that they're on no obligation to do, the American holiday celebrating how and why Native Americans helped the Pilgrims has a much deeper meaning. This act helped the Pilgrims not die, survive and establish colonies that over two centuries later have formed this nation led by and based on the Scriptures -- hence a true Christian nation. Of course, the formation of this Christian nation's tainted by the murder, rape, destruction and obliteration of several Native American societies (not to be covered on this entry).

Nonetheless as Christians, we should take this holiday to be thankful for the many or few things in our lives -- whatever generous bounty God's given us. We (myself included) fail to do so and simply complain. Of course, we in this nation have the right to work hard for what we want, of course, remembering that nothing's for free.

After giving myself this sermon, I should give thanks to God for

1. my health as limited as it could be to work for what I want and/or need,
2. all I've got including my work, habitat and what I've been able to give my children,
3. my children and the joy they give me,
4. my nine-year-old's health that could be much worse,
5. my friends and whatever little family I really have,
6. and all I take for granted that I can't think of right now as I'm writing (typing).

love, sex & tattoos: kinky fucking love

I guess that if I want to finish these three ideas -- love, sex and tattoos.

1. love, sex & tattoos: ink
   http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/love-sex-tattoos-ink.html
2. love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie
   http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/love-sex-tattoos-sex-junkie.html

Hence here's the conclusion -- my ideas of love, how I feel love.

I decided to change this post. If you care to see what I had posted here, which I had posted about five days ago, go to http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/something-i-wrote-on-someone-elses-blog.html.

Love in general, this human emotion referred to as love's been difficult for me have and share. From an early age, I wondered if my parents really loved me regardless how often I was told so, but my father dared to prove me wrong (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html).The only persons who loved me without a doubt were my maternal grandparents (both dead) who taught me the core Christian values that I hold dearly to.

When most of us hear the word "love," we think of a relationship between a man and a woman. In my case, love came early (first grade, age 5). Each year I was in "love" with a different girl. Junior high school was no exception and neither was high school, but I was always the ugly duckling or the kid who couldn't afford gifts and crap as much as other kids. College was different as I literally had girls to choose from. It was a shocking surprise, but I enjoyed this change. I gained confidence, but this hallow confidence's not love. Women come and go, yet remaining lonesome for no one to care or hold. Love's a nasty feeling. Being in love's much worse.

The only place where I've been able find love's in the presence of my children. They're my life and soul. I'd be with them till the day I die, but first I need to leave them a future that can take care of them financially.

Ironically enough, as a bad cosmic joke, life is merely sick and twisted forms of LOVE, SEX and TATTOOS.

welcoming new members

Every church needs to be funded (electricity, gas, etc) and everyone working in a church needs to pay rent and bills (salaries, wages, etc). Hence a church relies on funds received from the congregation. This is perhaps the second reason why churches need members -- the main reason being a common faith and doctrine system.

These members are people who go to a particular church practically every Sunday, help cover costs and participate in various areas of the church willingly and expected to (myself included). This interpretation of what it means to be a member of a church might sound a bit harsh for some, but isn't this what it means to be a Christian in the first place?

Working with new members is often a strange and fondly interesting experience. New members sometimes don't know what to expect of the church (building, congregation, ministries, etc). When I've been asked to help welcoming new members, I've had to sit with them during breakfast (the day they're accepted and introduced as new members of the church) and give them a better idea what the church is and especially what it's not. Most importantly, being a member of a Christian congregation means being part of the Church and the household of God.

By the way, I want to point out that I'm fond of being a Christian and being a member of FAPC. I also thank this church for the opportunities it's given me to be part of the Church and be able serve God.

something I wrote on someone else's blog

Love is simple -- unconditional and conditional, true and false, real and a sham, part-time and full-time.

1. It's that unconditional love that a parent has for his/her child.
   
   
2. It's that unconditional love of that of child to a parent -- at least we hope so.
   
   
3. It's a chemical reaction in the brain that triggers the need of being satisfied by a person, the sexual attraction to that person and remaining with that person. It's the CONDITIONAL love between two people as long as that satisfaction is met. Visit http://bigthink.com/ideas/18776 (Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist, Big Think).
   
   
4. Being this blog part of the church, the answer would be the love of God for us -- as the father (God) loves his children (us) unconditionally when we make him happy, cry or angry. See number 1.
   
   
5. In the case of loving others, my take would be on being satisfied by something that they can do for us. See number 3.
   
   Love for others (a stranger worse off) is never and will never be unconditional because of our greed, selfishness, needs to be satisfied, anger and everything else that makes us hunters (humans) especially in NYC. See number 1.

murdered trees, gifts, snow & joy: puppet show in the manger

On a personal note (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/murdered-trees-gifts-snow-joy.html), we'll just have the little Nativity set that I've got my little boys last year in church. It consists of a small barn, a finger puppet for Mary and another for Joseph, a plush lamb, a plush camel and baby Jesus swaddled in the manger (picture below). My two-year-old loves to play with it -- most likely not understanding what the Nativity set represents. Maybe this is how children learn and enjoy religion while growing up as "true" children of God.

murdered trees, gifts, snow & joy

Christmas is coming. Many people buy murdered pine trees to put in their homes as some sort of Christmas symbol or decoration of sorts.

Anyone who's studied the Bible or been in a church would know that trees have nothing to do with Christmas. It makes no sense whatsoever to use a tree as a representation of God. It can confuse outsiders making them think that the tree is in fact God. Now this assumption is totally stupid, but it may happen.

Other symbols of the Christmas season such as gifts, snow (White Christmas) and joy most humans feel in a Judeo-Christian society merely represent the weather, goodwill, remembrance of the gifts given to the baby Jesus or the tradition of giving children gifts during Hanukkah. In all this, where's the birth of Christ (the incarnation of God)?

On a personal note, we'll just have the little Nativity set that I've got my little boys last year in church.

what if God came to visit?

I grew up with stories about God coming to earth as a common man (incognito) to talk to and perhaps test people. In one of these stories, God talked to two men planting potatoes (or some other root) and he asked them what they were planting. One replied politely, to which God said, "And potatoes you shall harvest." The other was rude and replied mockingly that he was planting rocks, to which God said, "And rocks you shall harvest." In the story the first farmer had a good harvest while the second only had rocks.

I also remember my maternal grandmother telling me that nowadays (back in the late 1970's) people had become so evil that God would no longer "dare" to come. This always struck me, but I accepted due to the news of continuous wars in the Middle East -- at the time, Iraq & Iran.

What'd we do if God came to us to chat and/or asked us anything? Would you be polite or a total asshole? Would you harvest food or rocks?

On a personal level, I guess I'd be the second without excuses. That's just me -- rude and often stupid.

I was thinking of these stories because of this past Sunday's sermon. The pastor read what Jesus will do when he does come back -- separating the sheep from the goats. He'll congratulate the sheep for offering food and drink, clothing, visiting the sick and imprissoned and simply helping those in need. He'll also reprimand those who failed this simple task.

31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

- Matthew 25:31-46 (KJV)

As the pastor emphasized during his sermon, to be a Christian is to VISIT.

starting over: pizza diet, the diet of the (un)holy

During some of my toughest times (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/starting-over.html), I could only afford a slice or two of pizza and large cup of soda at most. Eating a piece of flat bread with tomato sauce and cheese with carbonated water made me lose lots of weight. Surprisingly I was healthy (thanks God).

Sometimes the worst of times brings the best of something although I'm not sure what. All I know is that it could have been much worse. Maybe that positive "thing" could have been much more if I had been going to a good church to maintain my mind and soul. Maybe it was a call that I might have failed or a test of endurance that I excelled in.

no God? yeah right!

Why do atheist groups dedicate so much effort telling people (believers and not) that we (believers) are wrong? Everyday Christian (http://www.everydaychristian.com/) just posted an article about a new advert campaign by American Humanist Association (http://www.considerhumanism.org/) to discredit the Bible.

Atheist Group Launching National Ad Campaign Challenging Bible
http://www.everydaychristian.com/news/weblink/8887/

These groups of non-believers spend lots more effort telling people that there's no God than we (Christians) spend teaching about God. Maybe it's the sickening desperation of proving themselves that their belief system must be true, yet doubting their own belief system.

free Bibles, but the Gospels only

In the Times Square subway station, I sometimes see people preaching the word of God or at least trying to get people to repent talking about the end of times. These same people hand out lots of reading material including free Bibles. The only problem I see in all this is that these Bibles are only the four Gospels (no Old Testament, no other books from the New Testament).

• This means that we only have the storied of Christ's life, three-year public ministry, crucifixion, death, resurrection and Word (Gospels only).
• Therefore the the prophets, the people of God (Old Testament), the coming of Christ and the letters of the early Church (New Testament) are missing.

Of course, the distribution of at least part of the Good News remains a good idea.

cheating death, on borrowed time

I've said that I live on borrowed time several times since I should have died years ago since I was born. I wasn't supposed to be born in the first place. My mother considered having an abortion, but she didn't have enough money to go through it. I almost died at 20 days of age, at 15 when my liver failed, at 17 in a bike accident where I could have broken my neck and maybe several more times that I can recall.

In all, I've cheated death by the skin of my teeth several times. This means that this time I'm living and breathing wasn't meant for me to live. This isn't my time, but yet I've got it. For some reason, God doesn't want me with him yet. There's a higher calling that I've yet found or gotten to know about.

walking by a Lutheran church: born dead in sin

I'm still slowly reading "This We Believe" (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-this-we.html) while taking notes and highlighting key parts of the text. In any event, I just found a little something that bothers me.

"5. We believe that Adam and Eve lost their divine image when they yielded to the temptation of Satan and disobeyed God's command. This brought upon them the judgment of God: "You will surely die" (Genesis 2:17). Since that time all people are conceived and born in a sinful condition (Psalm 51:5) and are inclined only to evil (Genesis 8:21). "Flesh gives birth to flesh" (John 3:6). Since all people are by nature dead in sin and separated from God (Ephesians 2:1), they are unable to reconcile themselves to God by their own efforts and deeds."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/creation-man-and-sin

There are two schools of though on this regard.

1. One says that we're born in sin and hence evil by default. Therefore we need to break out of our human nature and flesh. This seems to be Lutheran perspective. Even if my interpretation were dead wrong, I don't like the whole fire and brimstone gimmick (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tough-sale-mean-business.html).
2. In the other hand, the other school of thought teaches us that we're good by nature (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/many-faces-flavors-recipes-for.html) and we need to escape sin to be back with God. This is more likely the Presbyterian point of view. After all, I believe and want to believe in a loving God, not a vengeful God (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html). I just hope I'm not wrong.

As a disclaimer, I must emphasize that my opinion's no means a way or form of offense to anyone reading or not reading this or any text I've written.

one thought (quote)

another quote worth borrowing from my friend Alece (thanks)...

"We were made in God's image.
Why do we live as though He is made in ours?"

http://www.gritandglory.com/2010/10/28/one-thought/