another Sunday (08/01/2010)

This morning I woke up, dragged myself to the shower, got dressed, took my medications (8 capsules & pills), hugged my nine-year-old (little one sound asleep), left home half-awake, bought a toasted raisin bagel with cream cheese with a large coffee and took the Q32 for a 45-minute bus ride to church. It was another Sunday morning that I'd go to church to hear the Word of God and a good sermon that could feed my soul while hoping for that solace and shelter from and within God.

Today being Communion Sunday, we shared the feast of Christ (the sacrament of The Lord's Supper) -- a piece of stale bread of delicious life and droplets of grape juice from the cup of sweet salvation -- and hence felt a little closer to God. Faith can be so illogical that it can makes us doubt it.

Nonetheless it was merely another Sunday in church as I greeted my friends -- especially Charlene who starting today is now part of the staff at FAPC (master degree in divinity, but not yet called to be a pastor). As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith.

After service, I didn't go to coffee hour although I could've used some coffee to fully wake up. I just took the Q32 back to where I live.

Am I lying to myself? Do I have a real faith that I can hold onto (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-lack-of-faith-my-mental-disease.html)? At least, it's clearly now a roller coaster going up and down in that human mystery called faith.

Maybe the question should be how much faith I've got today or any given day. In such case, I felt empty inside this morning, but little satisfied after church.

At the end of the day, faith's simply a mental state, but does my momentary (day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute) state bring me closer to God?

ashes to ashes, dust to dust

So yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the day church goers get a smudge of black ashes on their foreheads. I'm still trying to understand all the reasons behind this tradition, which marks the beginning of Lent.

As I understand, the ashes are from last year's palms (Palm Sunday). Being smudged with ashes is a reminder that we were created from dirt (mud) and that we'll return to the dirt when we die. It's also seen as a reminder of the sacrament of baptism, in which we were named children of God. A third meaning is penitence for our sins.

Nonetheless last night I went to FAPC to get smudged with ashes. It was a weird and new experience for me to say the least. I had no idea what to say as the pastor put the ashes on my forehead with his right thumb. I think that he smiled at my ignorance.