what little faith I've got (today)...

I don't feel the same faith I had about a year ago. I've got lots of doubts about this belief system we call Christianity, its Jewish heritage and anything referred to as divine. Nonetheless I nominated myself for the position of deacon at church this past week. To my surprise, this morning someone asked me if he could nominate me too. Could it be that I'm worthy of some level of religious trust (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/me-sore-loser.html)?

my statement of faith as of 2010/12/16

It's a good idea to confess our faith and beliefs on God periodically and compare each to previous ones. Said the latter, without reading my previous statement of faith, I've written the following.

I believe in a (only one) God

1. who's good and never cruel,
2. who'll one day respond to my most important prayer,
3. who'll someday heal my son and/or lead me to find a cure,
4. who'll someday take away the suffering from my sick little boy,
5. who'll be with my sick child after I die and/or give him a new carer,
6. who's at the same time failed to protect my son and saw me holding my lifeless child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html),
7. who's seen me break down and live my deepest pains for my sick child too many times,
8. whom I've doubted many times in anger and despair if he'll ever heal my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html),
9. whom I still have faith that my son will be healthy once again (wishful, hopeful thinking),
10. who still gives me strength to continue fighting for my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html),

My original idea when writing this statement was to compare it against the first one I ever published (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html), but I don't think it's good idea any more. I see I'm holding too much pain and anger right now. I might have simply changed for the worse as a Christian (lack of faith) and a person (more negative to humankind in general).

summer sickness

Summer is finally here. Regardless how much many people like hot weather, I truly hate it. This season makes me literally sick and nauseous all the time. I prefer fall and winter when I don't feel sick.

Now what does this have to do with the main theme of the blog? It has no thing really aside from the fact that it's my sole opinion.

visited a Methodist church

So I visited a Methodist church in NYC (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/getting-ready-for-round-two.html). It was the second time that I entered this church (building). The first time I walked in and out in less than 10 minutes. This time around, I sat through out the service. As curious as I am, I took notes. Since I was confused at times, I can use this notes to understand the service. Well it was an experience and maybe I won't go back to that church.

afraid not to go to church one Sunday

Sometimes I wonder if it'd be too much of a big deal if I don't go to church one Sunday (considered a mortal sin in the Catholic church and tradition -- an idea not highly promoted in the Protestant Church). Well on my own accord, aside from breaking my personal record of 87 weeks straight going to church (FAPC; http://www.fapc.org/), I might feel that I could start skipping more Sundays perhaps much more often to the point where I might stop going all together. It's happened before and I've ended up not going to church for almost 13 years. I'm afraid to once again falling into a vicious cycle of going to church Sunday after Sunday and then disappearing for years at a time.

For the time being, I don't have any valid excuse (definitely no reason at all) to stop. I'd continue going to church -- specifically FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) where I feel most comfortable.

Now I must admit that I'm not sure if the increasing number of weeks that I've gone to FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) feeds my ego or nourishes my soul. All I know is that I want to continue going to church at least once a week. Said the latter, at times I've gone to church three to four times in the same week as a personal need to get something. It used to be shelter, a way to hide from the world and from myself, a way to find God.

Nowadays what's that need and why do I have it? Could it be that I've found God and now I'm not too desperate to continue looking for him? Could it be that once again I'm losing my faith? Am I being truthful to myself and to God worshiping every Sunday and/or spending many hours in church (8:45am to about 2:00pm almost every Sunday, excluding summer time)?

getting ready for round two

I have no intention of quitting FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/), but I'm ready for round two of visiting other churches in NYC of other denominations to see what their ideas of a Sunday service are like (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html). Let's see what part two of this experiment brings.

me, the sore loser

A while ago I nominated myself to be an officer at church, but others were considered. As much as wished I was considered and given the opportunity, I must admit that I don't have the experience yet serving God or the state of mind right now for such full-time commitment.

In the other hand, several of my friends and other people whom I barely know by name or face were nominated and elected. I congratulated my friends honestly although wishing it was me being applauded. Well my friends have lots of work ahead and I'm glad for them especially for that one friend whom I also nominated.

Anyway this feeling of defeat will go away in a couple of days. Maybe next year or in a couple of years, I'd have my chance to serve.

Yet I feel like a sore loser.

my statement of faith as of 2010/03/31 at 08:21

MY STATEMENT OF FAITH
as of 2010/03/31 at 08:21

I don't believe in a vengeful God who
1. would kill men, women and children;
2. would punish someone by hurting his/her children;
3. would forsake me.

I believe in God who
1. protects men, women and especially children;
2. punishes those who hurt children especially;
3. remembers me in the good and the bad;
4. helps me in those difficult times;
5. laughs at the silly jokes from a child, cries and worries when we do, feels our pains, heals our wounds, holds us when we fall or can't stand up anymore;
6. asks so little, but gives us so much;
7. has many human names and guides us all to his home through different paths (religions and common faiths);
8. will heal my son Gary and look after my other two boys.

religion after 9/11

from Global Tolerance (http://www.globaltolerance.com/, interview with CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Centre Television, http://www.cbc.ca/television/)

new name, same story

If you were born in the late 1960's or 1970's, you'd understand the JOKE.
This blog is now LE CULTE DU CASSETTE.

Lenten, Ash Wednesday

As the morn of Ash Wednesday started, I wondered how I'm going to live this season of Lenten and what sinful behavior I'm going to leave behind (repent and avoid). As usual in my case at least, I must be related to sex since I'm promiscuous and damaged.

That evening during the 6pm service, I saw a cop in church. It was interesting to see a man of the laws of men where people study or need the Laws of God. There he stood with his Glock semiautomatic pistol and Kavlar body armor listening to the service and got his share of ashes smudged on his forehead. Maybe these ashes and his faith are a stronger body armor than the Kavlar. Maybe the Laws of God protect him better than the laws he upholds.

smudged with ashes

Lent is less than 24 hours away. Tomorrow I'd go to church and get my forehead smudged with ashes from last year's palms or so we're told. As a Christian, I'm supposed to give up something sinful and/or wrong in my life for the rest of my life especially for the next 40 days. I have no idea what I'll give up this time around, but I must confess that I couldn't give up what I tried last year. Does this make me a bad Christian or a bad person? Well someone upstairs will sure decide.

about seven months later

So I haven't written in so long. So what have I done in the meantime.

1. I finally got both my little boys baptized (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/04/two-baptisms-two-wet-ones-to-go-please.html).

2. I've continued going to FAPC every Sunday, even the special services services during the week like the Outreach and the Blue Christmas services.

3. I've tried to keep myself busy in church either as an escape from my life, as service and/or to grow in faith. I've even helped during two of three Christmas candlelight services and volunteering (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/03/volunteering.html).

4. I've even nominated myself for the position of member-at-large (volunteer to help whenever needed, without many or any administrative obligations). Depending how I like this, I might nominate myself once again for the same position or for deacon if daring.

Yet I still wonder if this whole behavior is a real act of faith or the biggest lie to my own self.

two baptisms, two wet ones to go please, pt.2

I'm having my two youngest boys baptized in late June. For the younger of the two (1), it'd be a regular baptism with the normal 40-minute preparation class earlier that week. For the older one (7), I might have to do a reaffirmation of faith on his name. Well children are baptized as an extension of faith of the parents. Nonetheless I don't know what to expect. After all, my oldest child (17) was baptized in a Catholic (not Protestant, not Presbyterian no less) church with water and oil and I can't recall any prior preparation.

two baptisms, two wet ones to go please

My little boys haven't been baptized yet. I'm in the process of finding out the proper procedure to get them baptized at FAPC. So far, I understand that at least one of the parents must be a member of the church (me) and that I've got to take a confirmation of faith in their name.

The sacrament of baptism (one of the two sacraments instructed in the Bible; the other being the Lord's Supper, performed on the first Sunday of every month) in the Presbyterian church and in most Protestant denominations is different than in the Catholic Church. I grew up with the belief that's best to have a child baptized as early as possible in his/her life to cleanse off the Original Sin (Adam and Eve for eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Original_sin). Therefore, if a baptized child were to die, the child would automatically be accepted into Heaven for being a pure soul (an angel, free from all sin). As a matter of fact, I was baptized less than month after being born, about the same time I almost died.

to hell and back

Religion can be included in parapsychology (study, understanding, dealing with the supernatural like ghosts and demons; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parapsychology). The belief of Satan (Lucifer, Hades, the Anti-Christ) and Hell (the Kingdom of Hades, the Underworld, the Void, etc) are a part of many religions and an essential part of Christianity.

I've experienced horror that may only be explained as spiritual yet demonic. For a long while, I couldn't sleep because of the horror of feeling what I understood then as my soul ripping and escaping my trembling body. Now adding this experience to the rest of the paranormal horror that I've gone through (haunting, possession, etc), I'm convinced beyond doubt that both Hell and Heaven do exist -- hence the existence of pure evil and pure good, a Devil and a God.

no longer enough

As much as religion (going to church, Bible study, being an active or some what active member of the congregation, volunteering and even becoming a member of FAPC) has helped me tame my personal demons, the reality is that my anxiety hasn't diminished. Sometimes I feel like my level of anxiety has worsened in the last year or two or that the dosage of my medicine is no longer enough to stabilize the chemistry of my brain (acquired resistance to medication or drug) and therefore its functions. Then again my doctor doesn't agree and he's prescribed again the same dosage for my medicines.

almost immediately, thanks

Without getting into details, on Wednesday night I asked for three in favors in a prayer, during the Twelve Stations of the Cross. One of them came true almost immediately as I was told the next morning (too much, too good, too soon to be a mere coincidence) -- thanks.

church-goer

I've been a church-goer before, but I've often stopped attending. For over 13 years, I didn't attend church and the last one was Saint Patrick's Cathedral (Catholic). Now I'm even a member of FAPC and I truly hope this new religious experience doesn't fade away. I want it to last forever.

a whole new experience

It's Holy Week and last night was the Twelve Stations of the Cross (6:30pm), which was an odd experience of spiritual self analysis. I don't know what to expect of Maudy Thursday (7pm service) or Holy Friday (Seven Last Words, three-hour service starting at noon) other than being services in almost complete darkness with melancholic music. As noted several times, this is a whole new experience for me.