rants: the same rants

A friend of mine* writes about the same topic over and over. It's her way to cope with the pain that kills her inside. She'll share her pain as long as she's got an audience who'd hear her.

I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).

As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.

On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.

* Hey kiddo, I'm sorry if my comments hurt your feelings. Sometimes you can only let go when it's time to let go.

bad thoughts

Once again, I've having bad thoughts in a somewhat constant basis. Maybe I need to be more heavily medicated or even sedated. Otherwise the demons in my head will get me in serious trouble.

"How does it feel to accept you're gonna sink into despair.
How does it feel to lose the fight, the battle with yourself."

http://tattooofpain.pragakhan.com/lyrics/howdoesitfeel.html

Maybe this is why I keep listening to "How does it feel?" from Tattoo of Pain (http://tattooofpain.pragakhan.com/) -- a side project of Praga Khan (Lords of Acid; http://www.lordsofacid.com/) from Belgium (nu-beat).

Of course, no internet access and no TV service don't help my mood (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html).

another Sunday (08/01/2010)

This morning I woke up, dragged myself to the shower, got dressed, took my medications (8 capsules & pills), hugged my nine-year-old (little one sound asleep), left home half-awake, bought a toasted raisin bagel with cream cheese with a large coffee and took the Q32 for a 45-minute bus ride to church. It was another Sunday morning that I'd go to church to hear the Word of God and a good sermon that could feed my soul while hoping for that solace and shelter from and within God.

Today being Communion Sunday, we shared the feast of Christ (the sacrament of The Lord's Supper) -- a piece of stale bread of delicious life and droplets of grape juice from the cup of sweet salvation -- and hence felt a little closer to God. Faith can be so illogical that it can makes us doubt it.

Nonetheless it was merely another Sunday in church as I greeted my friends -- especially Charlene who starting today is now part of the staff at FAPC (master degree in divinity, but not yet called to be a pastor). As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith.

After service, I didn't go to coffee hour although I could've used some coffee to fully wake up. I just took the Q32 back to where I live.

Am I lying to myself? Do I have a real faith that I can hold onto (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-lack-of-faith-my-mental-disease.html)? At least, it's clearly now a roller coaster going up and down in that human mystery called faith.

Maybe the question should be how much faith I've got today or any given day. In such case, I felt empty inside this morning, but little satisfied after church.

At the end of the day, faith's simply a mental state, but does my momentary (day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute) state bring me closer to God?

my lack of faith & my mental disease

Can it be that the problem with my lack of faith is really my defective brain? Maybe I think so much that I believe too little. Maybe I'm too stupid to have this illogical faith. Then again perhaps I'm too smart to believe in God enough.

In all, it's the constant battle between my brain and my soul, the demons in my head killing the angel that I might have been as a child (if ever), in other words the clash between good and evil in me. This just drives me crazy having two opposites in me killing each other every day. Sometimes there seems to be a truce and feel at peace, but this is rare.

Sometimes people ask if there's a Heaven or if there's a God. I've lived and felt the horror of hell in my flesh and mind. Hence I'm sure there's a God -- the Lord, His Word and His Kingdom. Nonetheless knowing that there's a God in Heaven doesn't mean I've got enough faith.

Maybe I know too much for my own good. Of course, I might just too little that I'm blinded. How could I even think about leading (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/devotionals-pt-3-rock-roll-ministry.html)? I might just be to stupid to think so.

oh mercy oh god happy-pill!

Most of us have all felt that we don't belong in the Kingdom of the Lord. We opt for different solutions to solve the pain that we have, that void in our lives and soul, that lack of soul. Sometimes we use illegal (street) drugs or prescription drugs (prescribed to us, not to someone else) to fill that void. We go to a psychiatrist who fills us with chemicals to regulate some other chemicals in our brains or somewhere else in our decaying bodies. At this point, we've only become carcasses searching for something -- whatever that something is.

I can say "we" since I've taken medicine to fill my void and scare the demons in my head. For the past two years or so, that void has diminished, but not completely gone away. Of course, I might explain that I've been diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar disorder). I do need medicines to balance out the chemistry of my brain. There could be nothing worse than a depressed person with a broken brain and no God. I'm glad to be alive although sometimes I do get ideas of suicide. These are the times when I hold on to the love that I have for my children and the faith that God will make everything right. I'm a broken man, a sinner, a stupid man looking for peace and God.

Why am I writing this? Well those suicidal thoughts returned today. There's no other reason.

* My metaphors merely express the pain that I've felt -- the same pain others have felt.