rants: fire & brimstone

According to the program "Gates of Hell" on the History Channel, different societies have believed that the entrance to hell's here on earth -- emphasizing on the three-tier belief adopted by Christianity that Heaven's above us (sky), earth's where we live and hell's underneath us (magma, center of earth).

One thing that emphasized on this two-hour program's that Christianity's based lots of its traditions (scaring, converting people, etc) in the concept of damnation (fire, punishment in the flesh, eternal suffering, etc; yet psychological torture hardly mentioned).

I've got no doubt that hell exists. I believe that I've gone through the horror of hell many times in my life and come back just to feel them many times again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html).

Nonetheless I don't think it's a place underneath the earth's crust. I believe that it's a spiritual place where souls are tortured.

restless me, always burning adrenaline

I remember when I first heard this word. I might have been in the second or third grade and I knew the textbook definition. It was good enough for spelling quizzes and tests at the time, but I couldn't understand the concept of not having (lacking, being without) rest. Several years later, I've come to understand the concept of not being able to rest (hyperactivity, worries, etc) regardless how tired I could be at any given point -- always burning adrenaline like a drag-racer burning fuel on a asphalt track to nowhere. Hence I get bored easily and need constant stimulation (watching TV, listening to music, etc). Perhaps the general need for stimulation triggers my mind to function continuously thinking, worrying, reading and/or writing (as in the case of all the material that you can see that I produce every day). It's awkwardly difficult for me to rest. As a matter of fact, I don't really know how to rest other than getting myself so tired that I practically pass out -- just as a priest told me (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html). In all, I'm total mess -- as if anyone cares.

witchcraft

I grew up seeing and believing in witchcraft. Maybe being part Italian didn't help not believing in the occult, evil eye, spells, cleansing of spells, possession, ghosts, demons and other crap like that. Crystal balls, Tarot, oils, good luck charms, fortune telling, using the Bible for evil (witchcraft using the name of God) and something similar to voodoo were things I saw growing up. Part of family practiced several of these acts. As a matter of fact, to make matters worse, Christianity is tainted with the occult and other pagan beliefs. In several parts of the world, Christianity and witchcraft go hand in hand. The worst part of all this is that I've actually witnessed this. Maybe I was simply born evil or from evil nature.

as my soul ran away at night, every night

As a child, I was afraid of sleeping thinking I'd die as soon as falling asleep. This may sound weird, but several times a week I'd feel a terrifying sensation. It felt as if something would rush out of my body tearing me inside in a sound similar to a loud jet airplane during that split second where one's half awake and entering full paralysis of the body. Hence I was fully conscious, but I couldn't move or control my body (merely a mind, a soul, a spirit trapped in what was practically a corpse for a few eternal minutes).

The only way to break these strange occurrences was forcing myself to move my paralyzed body and scream. To say the least, screaming in terror (past the point of fear and horror) in the middle of night afraid to die then and there was enough to practically wake up the dead.

At some point, I started thinking that it was my soul leaving my body. Was I at that point stop my soul from leaving? I hated considering that my soul could leave my body while being fully conscious leaving an empty husk of a body behind.

At some other point in time, I even thought that I was experiencing the horrors of hell. Well I still don't know and perhaps I might never know.

One thing that helped me when I was in high school (15-17) was talking to the priest of the church I used to go to with my best friend. This priest seemed to understand what I was going through. He even asked me if I believed in witchcraft/sorcery (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/witchcraft.html), to which I agreed, and he asked me never to practice it. He also told me to go to sleep tired and so I've tried to do since.

These episodes would come and go several years at a time. I've never known when they'd come or when they'd stop. In all, this has been a part of my life since I was at least eight (8). Eventually the frequency of these events has diminished, but never stopped. I haven't had an episode in several years, but I know it could happen again.