restless me, always burning adrenaline

I remember when I first heard this word. I might have been in the second or third grade and I knew the textbook definition. It was good enough for spelling quizzes and tests at the time, but I couldn't understand the concept of not having (lacking, being without) rest. Several years later, I've come to understand the concept of not being able to rest (hyperactivity, worries, etc) regardless how tired I could be at any given point -- always burning adrenaline like a drag-racer burning fuel on a asphalt track to nowhere. Hence I get bored easily and need constant stimulation (watching TV, listening to music, etc). Perhaps the general need for stimulation triggers my mind to function continuously thinking, worrying, reading and/or writing (as in the case of all the material that you can see that I produce every day). It's awkwardly difficult for me to rest. As a matter of fact, I don't really know how to rest other than getting myself so tired that I practically pass out -- just as a priest told me (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html). In all, I'm total mess -- as if anyone cares.

modern medicine, what a sham

What can we do when modern medicine's limited, archaic and simply wrong? Most of the doctors (99%) I've met don't or refuse to understand what some diseases really are. These men and women of science have all their faith drugs and whatever some authority has written in stone.

Medicine actually is the comparison of individuals to determine what's correct/healthy (higher population, normal) and what's not (lower population, abnormal). Medicine fails to see that some individuals are simply structured differently. For example, in ADD a person may hold two separate thoughts at the same time while "normal" persons are limited to one at any given time. It'd be a no-brainer to think that the person who can process two different thoughts at the same time was born with a gift, but medicine and society say otherwise and rather drug the individual to restrain his/her extra mental capacity.

Now what happens to that other 1% of the medical community -- those who can see beyond some old book and erroneous science? The federal government even has had the audacity to limit doctors to whatever the government consider "healthy" and correct body function. If a doctor refuses to follow government established regulations, the doctor could be punished. This means that these "not mainstream" doctors are marginalized and even ridiculed. Some of these doctors can't even be paid by health insurance companies. Hence they only accept cash.

Said all this, the doctor who sees my nine-year-old is one of these doctors outside mainstream medicine. She helped my son much more in a month than the twenty or more mainstream doctors who had seen my son for some seven years of his life.

Well at the end of the day (or rather early morning), I continue taking medication to live one day at a time.

me -- who, what, where?

I write all the time (several times a day) about several topics -- as of late plenty of material on religion, but who/what am I?

1. I'm Christian fairly curious about religions, theology and mythology. I don't shy away from asking and learning about other religions and/or faiths.

2. I've lived in Queens, NY (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/this-old-jewish-town.html), for 27 years. I almost moved to FL, but I don't like hurricanes. I almost moved to NJ, but you need a car there and I don't drive.

3. I like hard rock, metal, industrial, electronica, country and some other genres of music. I've also owned several guitars and other music equipment since 1986.

4. I watch lots of TV -- as of late lots of material from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/), ITV (http://www.itv.com/) and Channel 4 (http://www.channel4.com/) from the UK. American TV needs more edge. What happened to shows like Starsky & Hutch (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072567/).

5. I write poetry, music and whatever comes my way. Read the beginning on these entry.

6. I work as a systems programmer and operator. I've gone through several computers since 1984. I also have a degree in computer science and one in audio engineering. I currently use Ubuntu Linux at home, which my nine-year-old prefers to use.

7. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. I like Italian, Mediterranean, Indian and some Middle Eastern food.

8. I've been an advocate for the disabled (mentally especially) for several years.

9. I was diagnosed with ADD, OCD and BPD. Therefore I take a whole bunch of medication in the morning. If curious, I do have a bad temper. I guess it's the Italian blood in me.

10. I guess I don't have a #10 right now.

patriotism, drinking, self destructive behavior, hurt & no God

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/) the following is the concept of patriotism.

Patriotism is love and devotion to one's country. The word comes from the Greek patris, meaning fatherland. Patriotism, however, has had different meanings over time, and its meaning is highly dependent upon context, geography, and philosophy. Although patriotism is used in certain vernaculars as a synonym for nationalism, nationalism is not necessarily considered an inherent part of patriotism. Among the ancient Greeks, patriotism consisted of notions concerning language, religious traditions, ethics, law, and devotion to the common good, rather than pure identification with a nation-state. Scholar J. Peter Euben writes that for the Greek philosopher Socrates, "patriotism does not require one to agree with everything that his country does and would actually promote analytical questioning in a quest to make the country the best it possibly can be."

In the Hindu epic Ramayana, Lord Rama tells Lakshmana Janani Janma Bhoomischa Swargadapi Gariyasi (Mother and Motherland are greater than heaven), which greatly lays the foundation for consciousness of patriotism for Hindus.

During the 18th century Age of Enlightenment, the notion of patriotism continued to be separate from the notion of nationalism. Instead, patriotism was defined as devotion to humanity and beneficence. For example, providing charity, criticizing slavery, and denouncing excessive penal laws were all considered patriotic. In both ancient and modern visions of patriotism, individual responsibility to fellow citizens is an inherent component of patriotism.

Many contemporary notions of patriotism are influenced by 19th century ideas about nationalism. During the 19th century, "being patriotic" became increasingly conflated with nationalism and even jingoism. However, some notions of contemporary patriotism reject nationalism in favour of a more classic version of the idea of patriotism which includes social responsibility.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriotism

It's a farce for some and die-hard reality for many. Yet this is a feeling that I've never experienced -- not even during war. This lack of pride has made me a foreigner wherever I've lived. I haven't been able to fit in the general mold.

At the same time, this might be reason for the culture clash I've had several times and especially the suicidal desperation that I endured during high school. Maybe I can blame all this to my drinking, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, suicide attempts (always stopping right in time not to die) and over all pain from peer-pressure and especially high school. Adding the fact that I've been diagnosed with ADHD along with other disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/mental-disorders-and-church.html), I'd have the perfect excuse to have been the worst student in high school while college became a total different story (A student on every subject but statistics).

One of the few things that helped me then were my music (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life-pt.html), my then-friend Mary Lou who introduced to reading the Bible (such a weird concept at the time) and finding God at least for a little while.

so alone in my journey

Many people (some who should be backing me up) don't believe that I'm looking for God. They see me as a demon making up a charade. Since my mental condition is like living with my own worse enemy in my head, I've been less than good person at times. Now being medicated with antipsychotics, I try to find peace in my head and soul. Of course these people doubt my intentions and even criticize me. Well I've learned not to care. I've always thought of myself as being alone. So alone in this journey I'd be wondering if I'm worthy to be in God's grace.

mental disorders and church

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder. I'm a real mental case. In my case and that of hundreds of thousands, how can religion help? Does a church of any Christian denomination help or understand or accept us?

10/19/2008 11:15AM

"Guide Along The Wilderness Road"
by Rev. Randolph Weber

* Second week in a row late about 5 to 10 minutes; still wondering why I go to FAPC when Anglican is about a block away and St Pat's cathedral (Roman Catholic) is about three blocks away

* Continued taking notes, learning, trying to understand; still not interested to be a member of a congregation

* Finally gave an offering ($10, $5 per week, cheap bastard), hadn't given in two weeks prior; considered using checkbook for income tax write-off, but better off doing it in cash (no recognition, no show-off); moneys not for the church although needed to maintain the church (20% for utilities, etc), 80% for different projects like meals to the homeless who sleep/rest on the steps of the church for refuge/shelter at 5:30AM and late at night; to return something to God for what he has given us

* five weeks coming to church and my mind starts wondering for the second time, thinking of sex and other shit, why? ADHD? most likely not

* Sermon: God using people to teach others about Christ, our faith in part to unite people; should tell others our experiences regarding God; must "follow through" and continue helping those we teach about God

* Took postcard on Adult Education
http://www.christianstudies.org/
** Interested in course "Tools for Bible Study"
11/16/2008 & 11/23/2008 9:30-10:45AM
Registration: Mary Bostic (mbostic@fapc.org)
Tell her about the Sword Project (Bible Desktop)