Listening to The Ramones, I remember a better part of my life, when life itself was easier. About this same time, I had very little need for church and at times even the Godhead.
Being away from church for about 13 years doesn't mean that I didn't think about the Godhead. I took time to read and study about different religions and faiths -- my favorites being Krishna and Islam. In 2008, I returned to the Church, but first I needed to know what church and/or congregation (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html) would be the best option for me.
As much as I want to be a good Christian properly speaking, there's still a deep and dark side of my soul with violence and anger. At the same time, as much as I want to be a good person, I know that I have to take medications for the chemical imbalance in the brain to simply bear the pressure of life itself. In all, I'm merely willing and confused soul in a broken body.
Ironically I question myself for the purpose of this blog. Is this a constant rant (most likely), a waste of time (highly likely), a way to help others (most likely not), a way to brag about myself (definitely not), a way to be close to God (maybe), an on-line church (no way) or perhaps a form of ministry (highly doubtful)? I don't have a real answer. I wish it was all were true except for bragging, of course.
At the same time, there are many aspects in my life that I try to achieve or hold on to -- other than computer science (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/being-geek-and-christian.html).
1. I'm interested in photography as an artistic medium. I shoot photos whenever I have a good excuse to do so -- currently for FAPC (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/new-york-concerns-new-york.html).
2. I've also done my share of poetry, prose and music. I'm fairly happy with what I've accomplished specially in poetry. At the same time, I've been my own worse critic on my prose for the past thirty years or so. Nonetheless I always find an excuse to write -- like this blog for example.
3. Learning languages (for example, German; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/gott-ist-nein-tot.html), societies and other human behaviors. As a matter of fact, I drive some of my friends crazy with my interpretations of the human animal behavior (especially Leia, sorry kiddo).
4. One area that I'm fairly bad at is being a father. Aside from providing and protecting them, I do fail in the social interaction. Maybe I'm too much of a geek narrowing my socialization to computers, television, arts and church. I know I must improve in this field. On a much more positive note, with my three boys (ages 18, 8 and 2), I guess that I've finally learned to think that my life hasn't been a total waste of time.
After all this long log entry, I must accept that at times I'm a godless Christian and that I must really find Christ in order to live my broken life peacefully with myself.
