Friday, December 31, 2010

the Book of Psalms: Prayer of Examen

as I continue my consideration on the Psalms ( the Prayer of Examen, based on Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Thursday, December 30, 2010

yet another Christian publication

A writer likes to write regardless the size of the audience even when not paid ( Maybe this is the excuse that drives a writer to work on his/her project and as many others as possible -- like my friends Renee ( and Alece ( as well as some of the guys in #Tworship ( writing material for various publications (print, on-line, etc) all the time.

About a year ago, I tried to become a freelance writer for one of the bigger Christian magazines in the US. When I was given the outline, I preferred not to pursue it again. Needless to say (type), this experience might influenced my decision to stop reading the publication (unknowingly at the time).

Right now I'm trying to get a gig writing and/or taking pictures for a local Christian publication. It all started when I made a comment about a website to the person in charge (web master, administrator, etc). I pushed the idea once again and I'm having an "interview" with this person in a week and a half. Ironically enough, earlier this year, I tried to get a small gig as an editor at this same local publication, but somehow the project just fell apart.

If this new project comes about, it'd be something exciting to get my hands dirty with. The whole experience of writing for someone else will be different from all I've worked on before and most likely rewarding.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night ( It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (, pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

bloody subway

The thirty-day MetroCard (subway pass) is $89 right now, but tomorrow it'll be $103. That's a $14 hike that practically no one's taking lightly. Considering that the subway system's a mess right now with delays and lines not running due to the blizzard (, this is really messed up. At least, I bought a new thirty-day MetroCard two days ago. Hence I'll worry about the $14 hike in twenty-eight days and then bitch about it!

lovely snow, lovely blizzard... pt 4 (what a mess)

So the city's still a mess ( with frozen snow and barely any way to get around.

blizzard NYC

the Book of Psalms: Psalter

This morning I got The 1979 US Book of Common Prayer ( in PDF in order to read the section on the Book of Psalms (Psalter) as per the recommendation of a minister. Immediately being such a geek (, I made a 639 KB PRC file (electronic book) to read on my mobile using MobiPocket. To no one's surprise, I'm not too eager to read such book. If reading the Psalms is so bloody important for me to do, I'd just read them from any of the translations and/or versions of the Bible that I've got.

I guess my desperation to get this book was merely to convert the PDF to PRC. Maybe I'm too much of a geek (sciences, music, etc) that I keep thinking and over-analyzing everything -- hence failing to have an open mind to be a "real" Christian. Could it be that I'm too stupidly smart for my own good? Then again, I could simply be stupid and lack patience and faith.

My over all lack of interest to read this book is by no means an act of disrespect to this book and/or the ideas expressed in it, those who wrote it and/or updated it, its history and/or its relation to the Church of England, the Anglican Church and/or anyone else involved with such book. I might just be avoiding such a long and strict reading based on the words of man. Then again, I could still be stupid and lack patience and faith.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

lovely snow, lovely blizzard... pt 3 (back to work)

This morning, in Queens county (borough), there were accumulations of semi-frozen snow all over ( It was hard to walk from one place to another (to subway station in my case). Trains were running local and backed up. I missed a train at about 6:26am and had to wait about twenty minutes. At 6:49am, a finally train arrived at the station, but it was too crowded to get on. Needless to say (type), most people (other strap-hangers) I saw weren't in the best of moods. A little after, at 6:53am, I was able to take a train to Manhattan. At 7:13am, the train finally arrived at its first stop in Manhattan. After arriving at my connecting station (7:17am), taking the second train to work (7:21am) and walking in the snow, I finally arrived at work at 7:38am (22 minutes to spare) with my boots and socks wet. I'm glad I'd brought a pair of sneakers (trainers) in my backpack. I was an interesting ride to work to say (type) the least.

Monday, December 27, 2010

lovely snow, lovely blizzard... pt 2

So the drama continues (

From: Notify N.Y.C.
Date: Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 12:09
Subject: Notify NYC - Notification

Notification issued 12/27/10 at 12:05 PM. The City is working to dig out from the storm. Major roadways will be plowed and salted first, then crews will address local streets. If you see a street that needs plowing or salt please report it to 311:

The sender provided the following contact information.
Sender's Name: Notify N.Y.C.
Sender's Email:
Sender's Contact Phone: 212-639-9675

John 1:1-14

This is one part of the Gospels that the pastors at church repeated through out the different Christmas services (

"1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
2 The same was in the beginning with God.
3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.
7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.
8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.
9 That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.
10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.
11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not.
12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father), full of grace and truth."
- John 1:1-14

I guess that, if someone repeats it many times, you'll think about its meaning.

  1. At the beginning, we only had the Word of God, his teachings and prophesies.
  2. The Word became flesh in the body of Jesus, the Christ, to fulfill the prophesies.
  3. John the Baptist came to teach about the Word, the Light and the coming of God.
  4. Jesus presented himself as God incarnate. He was accepted by some and rejected by the rest.

The coming of God to earth in the flesh of man (Jesus) is the true meaning of Christmas, which we often forget or avoid to remember.

lovely snow, lovely blizzard...

time for snowmen, NYC upside down!

From: My News
Date: Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 08:05
Subject: Winter Storm Blankets New York City


New York City is under a blizzard warning until 6 PM, tonight. New Yorkers should stay off the roads. The city needs to clear the roads of snow and abandoned vehicles so public safety units can respond to emergencies. Use mass transit and exercise caution.

-Visit the MTA homepage for updates about mass transit (
-Report heat and hot water issues to 311 online (
-Learn more about winter weather safety (
-Visit OEM online (

Sunday, December 26, 2010

going to church in a rotten mood

This past Friday, when I was on my way to church for the Christmas Eve service (, it might not have been right for me to go. After all, one shouldn't go to church in a rotten mood, but rather with a peaceful heart.

I left home upset 'cause I couldn't find my winter cap. Then half a block later, an idiot almost ran me over while I was crossing the street with the proper right of way (the little "walking man" sign). I wanted to run after that idiot who'd to stop at the next red light, but I didn't. When I cooled off a bit, I wondered if such a stupidly reckless individual could be carrying a gun or other type of weapon. Maybe I just saved my hide by acting as the better man this time around.

About twenty minutes later, I felt much calmer yet thinking about the anger I had in me not even half an hour before. I might simply be another vulgar hypocrite during Christmas in it all.

Anyway, the Christmas Eve (24th) service that I've gone to since going to FAPC isn't the family service at 4pm or the late one at 10pm -- but rather at 7:30pm. Last year I volunteered to carry a candle on two of three Candle Light Services. This year I just helped with the sixteen-track Mackie sound console (a little something that I've been doing for the past month or so to make myself useful, have fun in church, but not to show off).

To my surprise, for someone who'd been away from church for more than a decade, I seem to enjoy Christmas services at FAPC a lot. I don't think that the "wrapped in swaddling clothes like a burrito" jokes from Revered Scott Black Johnston are the reason why, but they might help. It may simply be the freedom to smile and laugh within a strict need for faith, simply knowing when to laugh and when to seriously pray.

By the way, Christmas Eve services are quite an interesting social experiment as people enter and exit the church building continuously before and sporadically during the service. Some people enter and leave right away when realizing that they're in the wrong church -- Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church (Presbyterian), Saint Thomas (Anglican) and Saint Patrick's Cathedral (Catholic) within a mere three-block walk. At the same time, tourists just want to see what the building looks like from the inside. Perhaps some might even feel intimidated by the sheer size of these three churches in such a short distance. Nonetheless the main floor of the sanctuary in FAPC was at full capacity and the balcony had to be opened -- a full house on all three services.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Through out eons, it's become the socially correct thing to do, but how much do people really mean it? It might be a true feeling for many to wish friends to have a good Christmas day (Pagan celebration most likely, including gifts and such) and good fortune the following year (future).

I haven't wished either to many in the past several years since I really don't mean it. Maybe I just want to feel or become Godly righteous. Then again, I merely be an idiot, a hypocrite, a worthless sham.

At least, I know and feel good about myself for telling my oldest child that Christmas isn't about gifts, but rather about celebrating the coming of God incarnate in the body of Jesus. Well it was the same message I sent his girlfriend who might have felt awkward having me (from all people) preach.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

ordained, three months later

Three months after being ordained by the Universal Life Church (, my little faith's of course still tested. Maybe it'll be for the rest of my life for accepting this responsibility. My problem's that I'm not sure what I'm doing or what to really do. I'm glad the Universal Life Church website has a guide that someone like can definitely use ( Of course, all this means absolutely nothing I can't even help my own son with prayer and my pains ( Maybe I'm just a sham (

my son's first ever seizure, my dying son?

As much as doctors and others tell me that my son will be fine (, I still feel that a part of my son died that night ( He seems to have been affected as his over all behavior's changed negatively. He's become more irritable, hyper, depressed, acting "crazy" and even dangerously reckless. I don't want him to end up taking antidepressants and/or anti-psychotics (like I do).

Maybe I'm stupidly exaggerating, but I've got a bad feeling in my mind that all these so-called experts aren't being fully honest with me. Could a next seizure or any other medical incident kill him or leave him in a comma or some other vegetative state? This isn't the type of thoughts that a parent should have. I should be worried about his grades, school and/or any troubles children are expected to do.

Needless to say (type), being so worried and afraid is taking a huge toll on my mental health falling in and out of depression ( or anxiety. I hope my mind's just making a sick joke on me. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I still wonder if there's anything I could do to stop my son's health from deteriorating more. If anyone cares to know, I love my son and I'm scared to death for his health, quality of life and his life in general (any possibility of death, vegetative state, etc).

For now, at least, my son might have to spend a night or two in a hospital for an EEG and whatever other test the neurologist orders. This means that I'd have to take a couple days from work and be by his side. All I know is that he'll be bored and in a rotten mood.

For some reason, I had the stupid idea of sending an email like the text above to my mother. She responded first thing this morning. One part of her email said that my son came to earth to accomplish a task -- allowing me to be a father to him. Hence if he were to die from any or all his medical condition or simply at a young age, I'd have an angel in heaven. This statement absolutely sucks!


if not the 25th, then when?

If Jesus wasn't born on December 25th, when was he born? Honestly the date doesn't matter. What solely matters is that God came to earth incarnate in the flesh of Jesus, the Christ.

I do believe all the various studies and historical data indicating that MAYBE the Christ didn't come to us on December 25th. I do believe the date was adopted from the Pagan custom celebrating the winter solstice and the re-birth of the earth.

Said all this, the actual birthday of the Christ could be any day of the year. We've compromised on December 25th and it really doesn't matter as long as we celebrate the coming of the Lord.

angels in the city

Since it's the Christmas (not holiday) season, I wanted to mention the angels in my hometown (NYC). There two main types of "angels" in the city -- one of them being the Guardian Angels and the other being the Hell Angels (actually a chapter of a larger group).

The Guardian Angels were (maybe still are) a group of civilians who'd patrol the streets and subway system "helping" the NYPD. They'd put order maybe not in the best politically correct manner, but the means justified the "peace" they'd bring.

The Hell Angels are a just bikers with a cool name.

As you can see, even in the toughest city in the world, angels still abide.

Jupiter, the star of Bethlehem

very interesting, well what if?

The Star of Bethlehem: Was it Jupiter?

"Between Sept. 3 B.C. and May 2 B.C. there were three conjunctions (on Sept. 14, 3 B.C., Feb. 17, 2 B.C. and May 8, 2 B.C.) where Jupiter passed close to the star Regulus (the brightest star in the constellation Leo). This rare sequence of events would have looked very strange to those familiar with the night sky. [...]

The Three Wise Men, thought by many to have been zoroastrianist priests (who were also renowned astrologers) might have noticed this strange motion and considered it to be a 'sign.'"

Jupiter, picture taken from World Book at NASA

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christian individualism

Christianity -- as most religions -- is a social expression of love and worship to the Godhead. Nonetheless, at times, we don't want to be surrounded by other humans and/or other creatures for that matter. Hence we remain as individuals -- away from society, away from others with our faith in one hand and doubting pains in the other. As odd as this concept (personal point of view) may seem, I've done the latter several, especially as I was looking for my faith ( In this personal search, I've found God several times especially sharing my faith and lack of with friends I've made in church ( and others in and outside the Church environment. Considering this last statement, I wonder if I'd feel as much faith as I've got right now (so immensely little, broken & in doubt) if I were going to another church. I honestly think it could be much less (if any spiritual change if any at all) going somewhere else. Hence I thank the fellows at FAPC for giving me a chance to grow spiritually (, not merely intellectually knowing facts about Christianity ( and its comparison to other faith systems ( &

moving (all done finally): DVR

Installing my DVR has been the last thing that I've had to do to "finish" moving into the new apartment ( I wanted to upgrade my TiVo Series2 DT (23/37/48/80 hours of standard definition) for a TiVo Premier (45 hours of high definition to 400 hours of standard definition) using a powerline network adapter (85 Mbs, 15 Mbs to hold connection, insignificant trade-off), but I couldn't. The newer model doesn't support satellite dish converters via external infra-red (IR) controller cables. A newer model's scheduled to come out early next year is supposed to support IR controllers.

the Spirit of Christmas

According to my mother, last night (21st) was the celebration of the coming of the Spirit of Christmas. I don't know what this is although she's told me about this celebration for the past decade or so. This sounds to me like another Neo-Pagan Christmas ritual that coincides with the winter solstice (20th).

rants: stolen goods & trust

When I was growing up in Elmhurst, Queens (1983-85), my parents would to little steal things and sell them abroad to make ends meet. Maybe it was expected from them as the buyers were more than happy to pay for these goods. This isn't the example parents should give their children, but maybe they knew I wouldn't turn them in or betray them. Maybe this is what made me more and more cynical over the years. This might have also triggered my lack of trust and dying dependency on my parents when I was between thirteen and fifteen. About this time, I still trusted my parents and kin, but that trust slowly decayed in less than a decade.

When I turned nineteen (1990), my father accused me of stealing his semi-professional VHS camera ignoring the fact the brother of the woman he was sleeping with at the time could've taken it. This betrayal took me by surprise and learned the hard way that my father cares more for any woman in his bed than his four children (myself included). When I turned twenty-two (1993), my paternal grandmother made sure I understood that she didn't want me around and always complained about me. That was cool with me since I'd never liked her. When she died (1995), part of my father's side of the family accused me of triggering her heart attack although I'd been far from this bitch. Of course, no one seemed to care to listen that the woman my father was sleeping with at that time (different from the one before) had triggered the heart attack. A little time later, my father dared to steal and/or allowed some other woman he was sleeping with at the time steal the child support money for my first-born boy (2000-02). Hence my trust and consideration for my father continued to die. A couple of years later, he committed his final betrayal and haven't seen him since ( Needless to say (type), nowadays I don't trust in my father at all and I'm very careful to trust his side of the family. Besides having no intention to see or talk to him ever again (2004), I remain the "better" man since I know many secrets about my father that could get him arrested or killed, but I've got no interest in doing him harm. Further more, I don't think he'll apologize for his actions ever.

My mother's a different story so far. She denied my right to be, meet and have a relationship with my half-sisters and half-brother while growing up (circa 1978-86; She dragged to her hometown making me lose a school year wasting my effort that I took to skip a grade (seventh to ninth, special class for semi-gifted children; 1984) -- hence not being able to finish high school at sixteen. Surprisingly enough for me at least, I still have a relationship with her, but I'm careful to take my mother on face value. I guess she doesn't want to "lose" me as my father carelessly did. In some way, I still have somewhat of a relationship with her side of the family, but as much or close since my maternal grandmother died (

At the end of it all, I ate thanks to stolen goods. I've stolen and paid the price. I guess my parents did much more harm than I'd previously though and considered -- a thousand times more than they know or cared to admit. Hence this might be the biggest chip on my shoulder, my biggest rant. Putting it all in handful of words, I'm fucked!

Christmas pageant, Christmas carols & Pagan songs

This past Sunday (19th) at church, the children of the congregation reenacted the birth of Jesus reading paraphrased Scriptures and singing as the main part of each service (9:30am & 11:00am). It was fun seeing these little children leading each worship service while dressed up as Mary and Joseph, pastors, the three kings, the star of Bethlehem, sheep, chickens and other animals.

I'm glad that I stayed for both services. As any actor would tell you, each performance's different from every other. These kids did a great job and without a doubt earned the standing ovation they received. Besides, I enjoyed the challenge of doing sound for each of these two pageants including the slight feedback, some hitting a microphone stand and all.

After the second worship service (about 12:15pm), we got together at the entrance of the church to sing Christmas carols. With my somewhat off-key voice, I sang quietly (not confident enough in myself to sing in public) with some of my friends and other familiar faces from church. I'm fairly surprised how much I do enjoy real (religious) Christmas carols, which made this event a lovely experience that I was truly able to enjoy.

We also sang what I've categorized as Neo-Pagan Christmas songs (Frosty the Snowman, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells & Wish You a Merry Christmas), which have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas and most importantly Jesus. It was a bit shocking to some around me that I couldn't recall the lyrics of these Neo-Pagan Christmas songs. I've rejected the godless Christmas commercialism for so long that I've practically flushed out these Pagan songs of fictitious characters out of my. This also includes the desperation of many to kill and destroy trees for vanity -- the Christmas tree tradition. Needless to say (type) and admit, I couldn't care less for any of these traditions.

At the end, we had probably the best warm apple cider I've ever had. I was able to get two cups right before the containers were taken into the church building. Could it be that I'm finally enjoying Christmas (thanks Amy for last year ( instead of falling into deep and dangerous depression (annual suicide watch during the Neo-Pagan Christmas festivities)?

I want to point out that I've got nothing against Neo-Paganism, but this set of beliefs has nothing to do with Jesus and Christianity, although many Christian practices are based on ancient forms of Paganism and even Druidism.

Changing the latter subject a bit, I attended the Candlelight Christmas service for travelers (same service as the 24th, just a bit early intended for those leaving town). I enjoyed it and felt at peace with my self and others. Of course, hanging out and overlooking at the sound console -- as I do on Sundays regardless of the schedule that we originally had -- also helps.

By the way, it's 119 weeks going to FAPC, which undoubtedly is a personal record. Of course, this number doesn't indicate how many time I've gone to this church. Sometimes I've gone to two or more services and Bible study small groups during the week. I'm honestly proud of this accomplishment since I know that in the past I'd dropped out in half this time.

rants: money & debts

At work, I get paid every two Thursdays (direct deposit available on Friday). It's not a lot, but it's a secure job and pay. From this money I pay my bills and rent. I also try to pay medical expenses and some other needs, which means putting these expenses on my credit card. In all, I usually end with less than $100 left over from paycheck to paycheck

Having a sick child ( and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (

Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.

What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.

Monday, December 20, 2010

response to "a heart prayer" by @gritandglory

My friend Alece (@gritandglory) wrote the following prayer on her blog (

I'm a mess.
I'm nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.

Since she asked to add to it, the following is what I'd add.

Spare me the pain I feel.
Help me care for ______ (name of person dear to you).

Said all the latter, this quick prayer would be.

I'm a mess.
I'm nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
Spare me the pain I feel.
Help me care for my sick child.

Thank you, Alece. You rock!

rants: thinking in French

Since I'm rambling on and on, I'd like to know why I'm getting spam in French as of late. It's annoying enough to get garbage in English, but it's twice as much in French -- a language I studied in junior high school and never really learned.

Je ne parle pas francais,
toute a la merde!

As I just mentioned, I don't speak the language. Nonetheless I watch lots of French movies (more than Italian, a language spoken by my ancestors three generations ago, which I don't speak either). Maybe it's the amount of sexuality in these movies. In any case, it's definitely weird!

rants: project? what project?

This blog (project) -- which was supposed to be mostly a log of my spiritual life while searching for God -- has become a small log of my general/godless life including my pains, worries and whatever other issues going around in my mind. Well in some way, I guess this blog's still a brief and opaque window into my twisted and troubled soul.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

monsters: demons & other undead

As much as these movies could be heavily criticized and even condemned by the Church at times, I can't get enough of them -- especially Japanese gore and Thai horror films. The whole idea that a soul can take revenge on others or even kill once its body's died fascinates me.

These films portray the folklore, fear and romanticism of death and the human desperation of being eternal. Besides I do believe in demons, the devil, hell and the eternal damnation (suffering and horror) of evil souls as punishment from God.

The whole topic brings back memories of watching Frankenstein with Boris Karloff (1931, as well as TV series like The Munsters (1964-66, and The Addams Family (1964-66, on TV as a child. Surprisingly enough, I'm not sure why I remembered this movie and two comedies in the order I did (same order as listed).

By the way, just because I like what I wrote in my previous entry, I'm quoting it here.

"In all, regardless of the intelligence humans have achieved since Adam and Eve compared to other beasts, humans are and perhaps will ever be the worst monsters humans shall ever meet."

monsters: vampyr

Hollywood's got an obsession -- especially as of late -- with vampires exploiting the twisted romanticism extending beyond the grave. Maybe I've bought into this years ago as I prefer vampires to most of the folklore and movie monsters. As a matter of fact, one of my all-time favorite movies is Bram Stroker's Dracula" with Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder and Sir Anthony Hopkins (1992,

Well I also like demons and other forms of the undead, but that's another topic all together (

As somewhat of a cheap joke, I've been referred to as a vampire since my eyes have low tolerance to light (sun and artificial) and I enjoy the darkness away from the ever painful bright lights. I even wear tinted prescription glasses day and night. Of course, the joke falls apart when anyone sees the amount of garlic I consume (maybe the Italian in me).

Since this blog deals with my faith or lack of, I probably should point out that I don't believe in vampires as the undead who feed on blood to survive, but monsters don't need to suck or drink blood to feed on it. Many humans feed on the smell of blood while committing atrocities beyond what any monster story writer may think of. Just consider the horror at Auschwitz ( In all, regardless of the intelligence humans have achieved since Adam and Eve compared to other beasts, humans are and perhaps will ever be the worst monsters humans shall ever meet.

By the way, if anyone cares, I got the word vampyr from a German movie with the same name (1932,, which needless to say (type) means "vampire." Further more, vampyr is such a cool word!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

my statement of faith as of 2010/12/16

It's a good idea to confess our faith and beliefs on God periodically and compare each to previous ones. Said the latter, without reading my previous statement of faith, I've written the following.

I believe in a (only one) God

  1. who's good and never cruel,
  2. who'll one day respond to my most important prayer,
  3. who'll someday heal my son and/or lead me to find a cure,
  4. who'll someday take away the suffering from my sick little boy,
  5. who'll be with my sick child after I die and/or give him a new carer,
  6. who's at the same time failed to protect my son and saw me holding my lifeless child (,
  7. who's seen me break down and live my deepest pains for my sick child too many times,
  8. whom I've doubted many times in anger and despair if he'll ever heal my son (,
  9. whom I still have faith that my son will be healthy once again (wishful, hopeful thinking),
  10. who still gives me strength to continue fighting for my son (,

My original idea when writing this statement was to compare it against the first one I ever published (, but I don't think it's good idea any more. I see I'm holding too much pain and anger right now. I might have simply changed for the worse as a Christian (lack of faith) and a person (more negative to humankind in general).

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

rants: my defective brain

I've been taking all my medications as of late (, but my behavior's been somewhat off. Maybe this is why I was more depressed than usual during the Blue Christmas service last week (

Does this mean I'll be depressed out of my mind on Christmas day? I hope not, but I'll try to keep my mind busy helping at church during two of three Christmas Eve services (

Could it be that I need to increase the dosage of my current medications or simply try a new combination of medications? Well for the time being, my psychiatrist just changed one of three medications. It's a matter of time to know if this new prescription works for me.

first snow, what about the winter to come?

Winter's finally (but not officially) started in NYC. It snowed lightly last night (2" at most). Nonetheless this means there was some formation of ice on sidewalks and streets early this morning. This means that grounds and floors of all sorts on constructions (buildings, subway, etc) were wet becoming possibly dangerously slippery. This also meant several traffic accidents as well.

Although the average temperature today's been about 19°F, the wind factor makes it feel much colder. Now I'm not complaining. This weather's much better than roasting at 102°F ( Then again, both extremes can be fatal, but I still prefer the cold.

dreams, nothing but silly dreams

I keep having dreams with people who were good friends of mine when I was a little kid or with places where I lived. I wonder why this is. After all, it's not like I've got any interest of talking to these people ever again or visiting those places in a near future or ever. Maybe deep in my mind I want to return to that safe haven that I thought I had as a child. Anyway what'd Sigmund Freud say?

Monday, December 13, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, two Sundays later

Since my son had a seizure in the early hours of Monday 11/29/2010 morning (, I freak out every Sunday night wondering if he could suffer another seizure in early hours of the next Monday morning. This surely gives a new meaning to the "Monday Blues."

Undoubtedly I'm still worried and scared for my son's health, life and over all well being. I check on him day and night to the point that he must be sick of me. I keep waking up at all times of the night to make sure he hasn't fallen unconscious in his sleep after another seizure. Needless to say (type), at work especially, I can't stop wondering if the next phone call I get is to inform me of another emergency. At least, my mental state's much clearer after the Blue Christmas service last week (

Without much of a forcefully given choice, I'll have to learn how to live with the possibility and reality that epilepsy most likely won't go away from my child's life. Nonetheless I could at least be ready for another emergency and hopefully for anything else that "life" throws at us without letting my emotions clog my mind and/or judgment. I must definitely think this way since I've always been calm, rational, logical and practically cold-blooded after any accident or emergency and I'd hate lose this part of me.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons ( Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

moving: finally getting TV service connected

After living a month in my new apartment (, I finally had TV service connected this morning. It's taken a month to get this service installed properly and finally running.

It was a painful month without my favorite shows. Other than channel 31.2 (Qubo, and 13.1 (PBS, as well as a handful of comedies (mostly re-runs, syndicated), over-the-air (OTA) television programming's pathetically boring in my sole opinion. Of course, ATSC makes things worse if the signal isn't strong enough. At least, an old NTSC signal could fail and at least displayed a weak and/or distorted b/w image.

Then again, it could've been much worse. At least, I was able to watch some material that I'd recorded on my DVR and lots of movies on-line -- the latter being the second best thing to do.

Now I only have to connect my DVR to the DSL modem/router, which aren't close to one another ( It either means running about 50 feet of CAT-5 making the apartment look fairly shabby ($25 to $40), getting a proprietary 802.11 adapter ($65) or using power line communication ($70; I'm still not sure what I'll do.

Friday, December 10, 2010

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (, days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (, medical conditions of this same child ( and even my own mental disorders (

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service ( Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service ( One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

  1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?

  2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?

    Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.

  3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, my son's last hours?

I'm reminded over and over that my son might die from seizures ( I already saw him practically dead (motionless, unresponsive, unconscious, vegetative, etc) that night as I held him in my arms. I hate to think that my little boy could die ( -- worse off in such a painful manner. It hurts too much to even think about it and not knowing what I can do to help ( Maybe I just have to take each day as if it was his last and make the best of it. Whatever the case, this desperation's chocking the life out of me and destroying whatever's left of my sanity.

Blue Christmas (MMX): something to think about

By the way, the Christmas season ( brings the highest level of depression in some people and hence numbers of suicides. It also brings out the most hypocrisy out of people too as they act as if they really cared about their fellow men. This is truly the season to be dying -- either loosing your material life or your soul.

Blue Christmas (MMX)

I'm looking forward to tonight's Blue Christmas worship service ( I'm glad that there's such a thing as a Christmas service for those of us who are blue (sad, depressed, troubled, lonesome, etc; in my case, all the latter). Sometimes Christmas (the Mass of the Christ, the celebration of the coming of Messiah, the incarnation of God) isn't as joyful for some (myself included) as it seems to be for the majority of others.

I must admit that I'm always blue during Christmas, which stopped being fun over two decades ago. This is simply not my favorite time of the year. Now with my son suffering a seizure (, I feel even worse. In the past ten days or so, I've been able to see deeper into the soul of those so-called experts who once promised to look after the sick and especially the handicapped. Hence I'm in no mood to be joyful. It hurts deeply to see him not being able to enjoy the whole "holiday" charade and the stupid TV specials like other children. As someone told me last night, there's a possibility that any day could be my son's last and I simply don't have any intention of burying my son so early in his broken and limited life.

One thing that's made it easier for me to cope with all the charade of love and joy charade of the season has been listening to my all-time favorite Christmas record, Excelsis v.2 ~ a winter's song ( with goth rock bands interpreting Christmas songs much more beautifully than I've ever heard them.

In all, this will be another dark and depressing Christmas. I might just lock myself in my room and watch Japanese horror/gore movies or whatever I might be in the mood for. Of course, my mother as usual will try to cheer me up and fail miserably only making me more upset.

On a good note, during the Christmas services, I'd try to help as much as I can and feel useful serving God in some cheap way -- all the while feeling miserable inside. Hopefully I'd be able to hold on to whatever's left of my faith.

my son's first ever seizure, daddy bye bye

Those seem to be the first words that my nine-year-old says for me as of late when I'm back from work. It's as if he won't let me in without having candy or chips or some other form of sweets for him ( Of course, he never wants to share with his two year old brother.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

rants: like an orphan

Sometimes I wonder if having no relationship with my father ( feels like being an orphan. Then again an orphan would most likely remember his/her parent(s) with some level of love and good memories.

In these cruel days of worries (, I wonder if I'd feel any better by telling him that his grandchild had to spend a night at the hospital merely three blocks away from he lives, but he wouldn't care. After all, he didn't care before as he dared kicking my sick son (two at the time) out to the streets like a dog (horrible expression since no dog ever deserves such abuse).

I admit that I might have never been the child he wanted. After all, I've never been a sports fan or a good child (trouble maker, strong temper, etc), shared his beliefs (politics, society, sleeping with as many women as possible, behavior and attitude especially to my two sisters and brother, etc) and even called him when he lies (lawyer). Then again, he also dared to say that maybe I wasn't his son to several people except to my face making him such a coward.

Once again, I conclude that my father's not worth my time, effort and forgiveness. He betrayed me and dared to betray my sick child. Needless to say (type), I'd never forgive him for his offensive actions against me and my children.

email from a friend

A friend from church emailed me yesterday in the afternoon asking me how I was.

"I hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hi and see how [everything's] going. You seemed a little down last time I saw you, and wanted to make sure you were ok."

I tend not to give too much information when it comes to my kids especially or anything else in my life. I tried to brief and polite in my response. I hope my friend doesn't take it the wrong way.

"I have been worried not necessarily down. My son (9) had a relapse and I've been worried since. My place right now is with my son. I don't want any more surprises. I will try to make it to the Christmas services (9, 15, 21 & 24). Thank you for checking on me."

I didn't mention that my son suffered seizure ( I don't like giving details about any part of my private life, especially my children. As a matter of fact, the only people who know what happened are my mom (in the event something worse were to happen), my sons (19 & 2), a minister at church and my best friend (who's like a brother to me and knows my life inside and out). By the way, my son and I need no one's pity regardless whom it may come from.

my son's first ever seizure, eve of winter tears

In these cold days in the eve of winter, I've got to be careful not to think of son's health conditions. Tears freeze and mucus only becomes a mess.

What hurts most is the stupid behavior of many -- including so-called experts -- as they see my son as a second-class human not worth saving or healing ( This attitude's offensive to my son and it angers me, but I've got to keep my emotions and actions on check. After all, I wouldn't be able to do much from a jail cell.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Neo-Pagan Christianity

Especially in the environment that I grew up in, Pagan traditions co-existed with Christian (Catholic) ones. I don't simply refer to celebrating the birth of the Christ in December -- whether the Baby Jesus was born in December or some other month as contested by scholars as a possible alteration of the date by the early Church.

There were many superstitions that were incorporated into the Christian (maybe more into the Catholic) practice and doctrine. Maybe this is the true way that religion gets transformed through out time to accommodate Pagan beliefs of the masses.

Whatever the case, the practice of Christianity that I've seen forming around me is somewhat of a Neo-Pagan/Christian doctrine, in which people believe in God but don't trust the Church all the while doing as they please. For example, there are Christians who drink and/or do drugs, sleep around (recreational sex or looking for love) and/or refuse to go to any church (biggest group) all the while believing in God and even praying. This behavior would've been seen as HERETIC and even SATANIC several years ago (before I was born, most likely, great thing about being born after the hippie era). Nowadays this over all behavior's become part of most cultures in the Western world and hence tolerated by the Church.

As a matter of fact, most (99.8%) of the people I know (single, never married, separated or divorced) have been in a sexual relation with someone at least once at some point of their lives. Most of these people are good law-abiding citizens, good people in all. Of course, about more than half of this group have no desire to go to a church of any sort, but still consider themselves Christians or religious (myself included for about thirteen years).

earth & heaven

I'm trying to write an entry why I'd do anything on earth and heaven to protect my children and to heal my nine-year-old especially. I don't come up enough reasons and/or excuses. I simply love my children and want the best for them at whatever the cost. It's not much for a composition, but I've said (typed) it all.

my son's first ever seizure, burning adrenaline & running on empty

I haven't slept well for the past eight days or so. I keep waking up to check on my son ( In the past two days, I've started feeling the effects of lack of continuous sleep ( Maybe I just worry too much for nothing -- then again maybe not (

Monday, December 6, 2010

another rude awakening, no choice but conform

It's Monday in NYC. I guess I should get used to seeing cops in riot great and K9 units (, but I still freak out. Since the American way of life was raped nine years ago ( and might never recover, I guess I've got NO CHOICE BUT CONFORM.

my son's first ever seizure, a week later

It's been a week since my son had a seizure while sleeping ( That night (early Monday morning) I was much too worried to be scared. After that Odyssey, I was able to be scared to death for my son's health and well being. Seeing my son practically lifeless and almost dead (vegetative state, completely unresponsive to any stimuli like being patted on his shoulder or saying his name) is one of the two worst experiences in my life so far. The whole experience of going to sleep on his bed, having a seizure two hours later without waking up (whether aware of what was going on or not), falling unconscious and then waking up in a stretcher in an ambulance on our way to a hospital is without a doubt the worst experience my little boy's ever gone through.

Although I might feel more relaxed, I'm still fairly terrified of the possibility of another seizure. I can't sleep through out the night. I keep waking up to check on him and pushing him a little to make sure when he's motionless. I'm burning adrenaline more than ever ( due to my lack of sleep and rest. Needless to say (type), I don't know if I could ever get used to or accept my son having any level of epilepsy or seeing pain in his eyes.

I keep praying for my son (close to never for myself), but my prayers aren't answered. Should I even bother asking God for help and to spare my child from the suffering? It's simply the worst cross I ever had to bear.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, so much to do yet nothing achieved

I've got so much to read right now (a book for a course on management in two week's time; lots of material on different programming languages, frameworks and other technologies; religion; psychology and philosophy; etc), but I've got very little to no interest in reading any. I still need to organize my new apartment including a CAT-5 run from one room to another (about $15) instead of buying another 802.11 proprietary device (about $60). I could've blamed my lack of will and interest on depression, but I no longer think so. My first obligation right now is to my sick child -- a second-class human not worth bringing up to health (at least in the eyes of experts, stupid fools).

Since my nine-year old son's been sick most of his life, the attitude that I've perceived from doctors is pathetic. It seems that they prefer to as little as possible (nothing) for any child with several metabolic and nervous conditions.

My trust and faith in the medical community continues to diminish. Only one doctor's helped my son. She did more in a month than close to fifteen other "experts" in seven years, but holistic medicine (natural products like herbs) is seen as a waste of time for mainstream medics to consider. These so-called experts in medicine often come too short. I'm disgusted by modern medicine and ashamed that I considered entering the field.

Do these assholes prefer my son to suffer or worse yet die? Do they simply see my son's seizure ( is just taken as a secondary issue not worth worrying about or treating? All I can say is that maybe they're just too important to be bothered.

Friday, December 3, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, laughing in the face of fear, crying in the face of pain

Last night, I went to the convenience store and forgot to get my nine-year old son a bar of Hershey chocolate (as I usually do). He practically pushed me out of our apartment to get him a bar of chocolate. I got to laugh and forget my worries ( having my own son kicking me out of my own apartment because I forgot to buy him a bar of chocolate.

Latter last night, I also saw my boy cry and in pain for no apparent reason as he was taking a shower. I was completely useless trying to help him stop feeling whatever he was going through. I could merely hold him in my arms to show that I cared and was there to protect him. All I can think of is that this might be a left-over from the seizure. I couldn't help weeping without him seeing me (an almost forty-year-old man in shameless tears, how embarrassing).

Needless to say (type), I'm scared to death. I can't sleep well as I've been waking up several times during the night to check on him. My son's seizure's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

my son's first ever seizure, such a long week

It's been a long week in the aftermath of my nine-year-old having a seizure ( Many things have changed in the way I see life as it's now even more fragile than ever.

That night, I felt as if I was losing him again -- first to disease that no one cares to understand and now to this seizure with all its possible consequences. For example (hopefully not really an example), his brain seems to have been affected (hopefully a mere stupid hyperbole). He's violently moody, highly irritable, crying for no apparent reason (perhaps some level depression, anxiety) and senselessly giggling. His attention span seems to have dropped too -- barely looking me in the eye when I talk to him -- as if his adrenal system was completely shot (fight/flight all the time).

He's also got lots of coughing before and after seizure since he had trouble breathing right before the seizure. Of course, no one gives me direct answer if this coughing could be related to the seizure or not. Hopefully it's simply the result of his allergies (to wheat especially). Needless to say (type), I become worried every time he coughs.

How much longer can I hold on to my faith BEFORE DOUBTING INDEFINITELY?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, 24/7

As soon as I leave work, I run home to be with my son ( I've got him under constant observation to avoid any more surprises (especially another seizure). It's practically an obsessive exaggeration, but I don't want any more surprises. The idea of losing my boy scares me to death. Besides, I keep asking myself many questions.

  1. What'd have happened if we wouldn't have noticed that my little boy was having a tonic-clonic seizure that left him unconscious for about twenty minutes?

  2. Could the seizure have killed him or caused any level of brain damage (sedated routine EEG on 12/22/2010)?

  3. Has he ever had a seizure or ever been unconscious before during his sleep that we'd never noticed? Worse yet, has he ever had any level of seizure before even if not visible to others (including us at home)?

  4. Will he go through a second seizure or worse yet several more? If so, would my child be as lucky?

  5. How could anyone -- especially my little boy -- have a seizure while sleeping and become unconscious right after without a chance to wake up?

  6. What'd happen if he were to have another seizure at school? Would these people even know what to do?

  7. Does he even understand what happened to him and why he's been at two hospitals this week alone? Is he afraid?

  8. Is it our fault? Did we do something or fail to do something that could've avoided the seizure?

  9. How could this whole experience be affecting my two-year-old? Is he also prompt to having a seizure?

  10. How much can prayer and faith really help heal my son (repair his fragile and broken little body)? Are they both merely a way to cope with the pain and desperation? Are they the key to heal my son or stop his body from failing again?

I'm just afraid and worried as any parent who's held his/her child motionless, unconscious and limb as if he was dead.

Oh God, please heal my boy (thanks)!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

my son's first ever seizure, day 3

It's day three from the my son's seizure ( I'm now scared for my son's health more than ever.

Looking back, this past Sunday -- about fourteen hours before the seizure -- I told a Stephen Minister ( that I felt that I'm not doing enough for my son to bring him to health. I told her what had happened with my boy.

"This event has shifted my priorities to [my son] much more than ever. It has humbled me aside from scaring [me] to death to say the least."

She responded with the following, which made me a feel a little better.

"What immediately came to me is that perhaps the Holy Spirit was giving you a gentle premonition when you were having the thoughts you were sharing with me on Sunday morning."

I thank her for being there for me and my boy even at times when I think that I may be abusing her generous time, effort and faith.

Maybe I did have some sort premonition (ESP; that something bad was about to happen.

Nevertheless I'm still extremely worried for my son's health -- understanding that there's a high probability of a second seizure at any time in mediate or far future -- to the point that I'm keeping my son at home for at least for the rest of the week. Needless to say, he's happy to miss school like an extended Thanksgiving break. As any other child, he's in no hurry to go back to school.

At this point, I don't know what else to think. All I can say (type) right now is that I was right next to my little boy holding his hand while he laid in a stretcher impatiently and scared as we waited for a doctor at the hospital and all I wanted was to pray. Nonetheless I can't put my son's health in the hands of God and wait. I must do everything humanly possible to help and take care of my boy. Said the latter, I've got faith that God will help me and all doctors to bring my son to health.

Oh God, take care of my little boy and take anything or all from me in return.