rants: spiritual guide

As much as I've tried to be a "spiritual guide" to someone, I haven't yet connected with anyone. It may all be a stupid dream or desire. I've even considered to have some sort of on-line ministry, but this is going nowhere regardless how much I pour my soul out. Then again, it's only been three weeks' time since I became ordained.

Needless to say, it was much easier when writing about wrestling (site no longer live) or computer systems. People would look for my information. Now in the case of saving souls, not many people look for my ideas (this blog). Perhaps I need to restructure my ideas (already in this blog) into a "real" website, but they might not necessarily translate properly in this other format.

Well by accepting my ordination, I became a "small time" minister. Now it's my responsibility to make the best of it. Perhaps it was a calling. Then again, it might have a foolish joke and now I must face the consequences -- its obligations as such.

rants: ordained minister

We all have rants that we don't let go and return to again and again. My current involves my ordination and weather or not I'm worthy of such.

Before I start my long rant, I must emphasize that I'm a minister of faith (every Christian's obligation to teach others about God) as emphasized by the Presbyterian Church. Am I betraying or mocking PC(USA) by accepting the ordination of ULC?

Said the latter, could asking for this ordination be a mistake -- a poor joke gone bitter or simply backfiring at me? After all, I wanted to be ordained, but was it a good idea?

Maybe wanting to be ordained and being ordained is matter of choice regardless how impure one may be. In such case, my desire to be an ordained minister (pastor) could have been enough to be ordained and take on such responsibility. Nonetheless I still believe that a pastor must have a degree in theology and follow the "correct" procedure to be a "real" pastor (seminary, church, ministry, etc).

Nonetheless, I feel I'm deceiving myself thinking I could be an ordained minister (ULC). Nonetheless I look for cheap excuses to justify my actions. I'm such a farce and this might all be a charade.

painful

It's painful to know that my oldest child has a life away from me. Then again he's almost 19 (an adult) and has a girlfriend. Maybe he'll have a life with this girl. In all, I might have lost my opportunity of being a father to my first-born son.

depression & light

If there was one thing that affects me most (especially right now) aside from high frequencies, it'd be light. Like a mystical vampire (if such existed), I hide from the sun, bright lights and even glare. Then again I've lived most of my life in some level of darkness, away from it all. Even my prescription eyeglasses (currently three pairs) are tinted or darken when exposed to the light. In other words, light gives me a pounding headache and makes me feel even more miserable!

depression & allergies (the motherload)

To make matters worse, in the past couple of days my allergies are also making feel worse. This means taking more medication. Of course, the problem with taking the amount of medication I need to take every morning -- aside tolerance and possible addiction -- is being drowsy all day and passing out at anytime and anywhere (especially at work and in church).

depression, another bout

When depression hits, it hits me like a mule. In the past couple of days, I've been going through another bout with depression after too short a rest (too soon to arrive, too long to bear).

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/psychotic-christian.html), faith is simply not enough to tame the demons in my head. I must take medication in order to control the chemical imbalance in my brain, emotions, pain, confusion and all of it all. I want to feel that long-gone interest in the same things that once cheered me up.

Needless to say (or write), I take my pills every day as instructed by my psychiatrist. Maybe I should take more (three pills of each instead of two), but how much more is too much after all? After four years of taking the same dosage or the same medication, maybe my body's used to these chemicals (tolerance). Maybe I need other medications or simply more of the same.

Perhaps I've simply become painfully dull in the dire need of medications to cope. Then again I could just be getting old and bored.

the prayer that we prayed yesterday that we pray today

We hold on to that same prayer that we prayed day after day. It's same prayer, same requests in different ways. When we've got someone permanently sick or hurt in our lives, we hold on to whatever, mostly on faith.

Are these pains and helplessness that we feel a technique that God uses to make us think of him? I know think so, but I wish I didn't have to. I'd like my children to healthy. I wish the same that I've wished before. I wish I could give them my health, a life to live and waste and not a life in endless pain.

the psychotic Christian

As a religious individual (not only Christian), you're often expected to control your desires, pain, anxiety, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, emotions and other possible symptoms of mental disorders (the mind in general) with your faith. Some even believe that not doing so is a sign of weakness. In such case, what do we do when our minds (brains) are broken or defective? You'd need medications to control random emotions and over all psychotic behavior.

One thing that's come to my mind again and again is trying to be a good Christian while mentally ill. It's difficult when the demons in your head are constantly trying to poison or simply kill you from within (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/so-alone-in-my-journey.html).

saving the mentally disabled

Can a person with a severe mentally disability accept God into his/her heart? I guess the disabled hasn't got the capacity to be a Christian since a person must think, learn, believe and accept God. I guess at this point the salvation of the disabled rests solely the faith of his/her parents. Then again I don't think God would punish a severe mentally disabled for his/her lack of comprehension of such an abstract concept as faith.

This could easily be the "hidden" reason that I've avoided to accept why I decided to become an ordained minister (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html). I owe it to some very dear to me. In all, there are many souls to save or simply remind God to take.

cosmos, aliens, nukes -- what a mess!

According to the following article, aliens are spying on us. Now this is funny indeed!

U.S. Nuclear Weapons Have Been Compromised by Unidentified Aerial Objects
http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/us-nuclear-weapons-have-been-compromised-by-unidentified-aerial-objects-102962064.html

Maybe these aliens want to see if we're stupid enough to blow ourselves to smithereens with nukes. Then again they might be looking after us and might protect us if we screw up.

As I've mentioned before, I believe in aliens (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/aliens-monsters-and-other-weird.html). I just can't believe that God could be selfish and only make us in this space-time.

death of the knowing few

I always wanted to believe that extra-sensory perception (ESP) was a gift. It turns out that it's part of the occult (a Satanic trait as seen by many religious groups) similar to witchcraft.

"The [magic] that is typically included with the occult includes alchemy, extra-sensory perception, astrology, spiritualism, and numerology."
http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity/155-the-occult

I don't practice the occult (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/trying-to-raise-my-boys-as-christians.html), but I do still believe in ESP as a gift to foresee possible events. This is what many would call a gut feeling or instinct. Regardless of the name, the sensation I feel has helped me identify how good or evil, trustworthy or not someone may be just by looking and/or hearing that person. I hardly ever fail.

Perhaps is ESP what the prophets of the Bible employed to hear, see, communicate and/or interact with God. Of course, if you bring this as a theory, the Church will tag you as a heretic and/or demon of sorts. Maybe I should just stay quiet since knowledge to correct the ignorance of the many can lead to the death of the knowing few.

animals of impulse

A friend was telling me about the lack of tolerance within her faith. Even in a mosque some people dare to tell others how to live their faith. My response is the following, which I thought came out rather well in one thought.

"Don't forget that we're all afraid of new ideas, the unknown or just about anything that contradicts us. Hence we get defensive and attack. We're mere animals of impulse when we feel threatened."

miracles

Some say that waking up to a new morning is a miracle within itself. From the point of view of Lectio Divina (Latin for Divine Lecture; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/invisible-magical-man-in-skies.html), nature as well as all creation is a representation of the divine and the goodness of God.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
- Genesis 1:1-31 (KJV)

As a mentioned during the class I took on Lectio Divina when most of others talked about the people who had died in their lives, for me at least birth was a true miracle that I admired. After all, how we -- earthlings -- are the only creatures alive in the known cosmos still is the biggest mystery (hence miracle although not referred to it as such).

time to write, publish & relax

As a writer, I'd love to publish and live on royalties. I'd sit back and relax to write some more to continue the cash flow. The only problem would be what to write about. I've written short stories for about 28 years (even offered to be published at age 14½), prose and poetry for at least 25 years, also lots of material on wrestling for about 14 years, computer science as well as human behavior for little over a decade and religion for the past four years of so.

I might consider at this point in my life to write about religion and maybe tour as a guest speaker (preacher or ordained minister), but the reality's much too different. I'd probably just work on any material that could be used as outlines for movies to make quick money -- as long I hold on to most of my integrity. Nonetheless I'd love to publish a book or two and see them as a short TV serial.

Of course, these are mere dreams and I can't risk my boys' future (well being, security, money, health, etc). Writing might only be a secondary part of my life and not a source of income. Nonetheless if anyone reads my material and likes it, I could write for profit without hesitation on a short or long term basis.

bad Christian boy

As a Christian, one must live with a pure a heart and renounce all sins. Needless to say, I haven't achieved this and I'm not sure if I ever could. I've done (not extremely) bad things in my life and some I still do. Everyday I fight to tame the demons in my head as I drown them with many pills every morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-if-my-whole-life-were-merely-dream.html). Nonetheless I still refer to myself as a Christian (not a Catholic anymore, Protestant perhaps; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/03/catholic-or-presbyterian.html), go to church every Sunday, became a member of the church, served (helped) in the church, had my children baptized (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html), try to be a good person and even became an ordained minister early this month (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html).

shields up!

When talking to anyone of a different opinion, we normally protect ourselves from these foreign ideologies. These ideologies can be politics, religion or anything else we hold dear.

Said this, yesterday I spoke to a Lutheran pastor (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/walking-by-lutheran-church.html). We talked a bit about the differences between the Presbyterian and Lutheran practices. We both protected our beliefs against one another although we agreed on basic Christian concepts.

It's weird how undoubtedly Christianity's become heavily divided -- just like Judaism and Islam. The core beliefs are the same, but we all seem to believe what the true secondary beliefs are.

For example, is the Virgin Mary to be worshiped and/or considered holy? Most ironically, is Jesus really an extension (son) of God, 100% man and/or 100% God? Is the Holy Spirit another extension of God or something derived from God? Should musical instruments be played in church during the hymns? Should pastors marry and have children? Can a woman be a pastor and/or lead a ministry? Can anyone be a pastor or should that person study in a seminary (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/some-sort-of-ministry-what-now.html)? Well there are many more, but I don't have patience to find out what we claim as true and then list them all.

deeply in the eyes of evil

Sexual abuse, homosexuality and corruption were always the dirty secrets that everyone knew. Growing up Catholic, one had divide the good priests from the bad. Of course, for every pervert in the garbs of a priest, there's a good servant of God. Nonetheless the Catholic Church is nowadays plagued with stories of sexual abuse, pedophilia and other sexual scandals. Maybe this is the perfect scapegoat to leave Catholicism. This might be the main reason why I don't call myself a Catholic anymore. I'm a Christian plain and simple.

There's something dark and evil that I've seen in the past couple of years in the Vatican from all places. It constantly reminds me of stories of the end of times with false prophets, preachers and uttermost evil posing as good. Maybe it's all in my psychotic brain, but I can't trust the head of the Catholic Church at all. Well at the end of the day, I'm no one to be heard, but my instincts hardly ever fail me when reading a person's soul. In all, I see deeply in the eyes of evil where goodness should abide.

witchcraft

I grew up seeing and believing in witchcraft. Maybe being part Italian didn't help not believing in the occult, evil eye, spells, cleansing of spells, possession, ghosts, demons and other crap like that. Crystal balls, Tarot, oils, good luck charms, fortune telling, using the Bible for evil (witchcraft using the name of God) and something similar to voodoo were things I saw growing up. Part of family practiced several of these acts. As a matter of fact, to make matters worse, Christianity is tainted with the occult and other pagan beliefs. In several parts of the world, Christianity and witchcraft go hand in hand. The worst part of all this is that I've actually witnessed this. Maybe I was simply born evil or from evil nature.

as my soul ran away at night, every night

As a child, I was afraid of sleeping thinking I'd die as soon as falling asleep. This may sound weird, but several times a week I'd feel a terrifying sensation. It felt as if something would rush out of my body tearing me inside in a sound similar to a loud jet airplane during that split second where one's half awake and entering full paralysis of the body. Hence I was fully conscious, but I couldn't move or control my body (merely a mind, a soul, a spirit trapped in what was practically a corpse for a few eternal minutes).

The only way to break these strange occurrences was forcing myself to move my paralyzed body and scream. To say the least, screaming in terror (past the point of fear and horror) in the middle of night afraid to die then and there was enough to practically wake up the dead.

At some point, I started thinking that it was my soul leaving my body. Was I at that point stop my soul from leaving? I hated considering that my soul could leave my body while being fully conscious leaving an empty husk of a body behind.

At some other point in time, I even thought that I was experiencing the horrors of hell. Well I still don't know and perhaps I might never know.

One thing that helped me when I was in high school (15-17) was talking to the priest of the church I used to go to with my best friend. This priest seemed to understand what I was going through. He even asked me if I believed in witchcraft/sorcery (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/witchcraft.html), to which I agreed, and he asked me never to practice it. He also told me to go to sleep tired and so I've tried to do since.

These episodes would come and go several years at a time. I've never known when they'd come or when they'd stop. In all, this has been a part of my life since I was at least eight (8). Eventually the frequency of these events has diminished, but never stopped. I haven't had an episode in several years, but I know it could happen again.

Mork from Ork

I remember watching Mork & Mindy (ABC 1978-82; http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077053/) with Robin Williams (Mork; http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000245/) and Pam Dawber (Mindy; http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001118/) when I was a kid. There was a particular episode, in which Mork traveled to another world (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0651242/). In this trip, his mind went into another being's body and that being into that of Mork. Vacationing was as simple as mind swapping.

This is one of those stories that reminds me of the belief that the soul inhabits in a body (person) -- considering the argument that the mind, the spirit and the soul are the same. Of course, we're taught to believe that we all have souls and these are eternal. At the same time, there are many (not necessarily Christian) stories of souls "walking" the earth, which we'd normally refer to as ghosts. As Christians, we believe that the latter is true. There are some who even believe that the soul escapes from or simply wanders off the body while asleep (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html).

Going back to Mork & Mindy, it'd be so cool for our minds (souls) to leave our bodies and travel of course returning to our bodies when returning from holiday.

By the way, I'm going to rent the whole series. I've got font memories of staying at my maternal grandmother's flat weeks at a time watching this show in my old beat-up portable (handle on the top) 13" b/w TV set.

some sort of ministry: my friends & family

I haven't told my friends or family that I was ordained. They don't seem to care and perhaps they wouldn't understand. They might simply take it as a joke. After all, I've been a rabble-rouser, defiant to authority most of my life, very critical about the Church and even walked away from the Catholic Church. To me this decision started as a goof and now has become the responsibility that it should be. I'll make the best of my decision (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html).

some sort of ministry: teaching from mistakes

Perhaps I'd continue convincing kids to avoid the same errors I've made like suicide, drinking to death and self-injury. This all happened in high school -- the period of my life that my mother kept telling would be the best and which we all want to return to. My mom was very wrong. It's surely a period of my life I wish I'd never lived.

I must first point out that high school and education in all is broken, obsolete and useless (Nietzsche). For the past two centuries, no one has done much to fix this mess.

Said all this, alcohol (teenage drinking) was the only way I knew to escape from killing or torturing myself -- as suicide was the escape from the pain. I've lived through that hell and I enjoy freaking out people with my stories.

some sort of ministry: technology

For over a decade, I preached about alternative technologies -- especially about open source. I even had a little following and still persuade users to use open technologies like Ubuntu Linux (the operating system I use; http://www.ubuntu.com/).

I guess I must now concentrate on people and not merely on machines.

some sort of ministry: what now?

So now (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html) I'm an ordained non-denominational (yet Christian) minister as per ULC, but a registered member in PC(USA). I guess now I should start some sort of ministry.

From a practical point of view, we're all ministers of faith and hence hold a ministry teaching our children about God. An ordained minister (pastor) is someone who's studied enough to teach others in a more profound manner.

In my case, I haven't studied enough. Regardless how much I constantly read, I know so little. Being a pastor remains a big commitment and responsibility to me at least. Nonetheless I'm seriously considering getting my identifications and other documentation from ULC to prove myself (more than to others) that I've been ordained.

yet another blow

So my two-year-old might also be sick according to medical evaluation this morning.

What in the bloody fuck did I do for my children to suffer?

Times like this make me wonder if there's really a god.

What must I do to get my children healthy? Must I give my life? If so, tell me when and where.

My body hurts. My soul hurts while my eyes cry in pain.

a quick reflection of faith: the Holy Trinity

We, Christians, are taught to believe in the Holy Trinity -- God Father (Jehovah), God Son (Jesus) and God Holy Spirit. I think that the belief of the Trinity is a bit too literal and slightly misinterpreted.

Maybe the three persons (entities) in the Trinity are not really three different persons, but rather three different yet related states of God. It might simply be similar to the relation between liquid, ice and vapor where water is still H2O in all three states. This simple explanation makes much more sense and might just be truer than having God in three separate entities yet being only one divine entity.

Using the belief of three persons in God, our limited human minds could understand the possibility of God be in Heaven (God Father), on earth (God Son) and inside us (God Holy Spirit) at the same time.

Regardless of our limited understanding and whatever the truer concept of the Trinity really is, we remain firm believers that there are three persons in God and that God is everywhere at the same time.

9 years after: being upset

On 09/11/2002, I remember networks like Tech TV running no commercials the whole day. Tech TV ran tapes of personal accounts (ideas, pains, fears, etc) of the staff that day instead of advertising. It was a somber day of reflection and remembrance.

Nine years later (yesterday), the History Channel was practically the only network that had its programming completely dedicated to 9/11. Fox News had several hours of programming dedicated to 9/11 for about two hours and then a mix with the latest news.

Now don't get me wrong. Channels like Disney must keep these horrors away from the minds of children. That's the job of channels dedicated to the entertainment/education of children, but why did other channels had little to no programming about the horrors we lived in this city and across the nation? These other channels had their regular Saturday programming as it was a mere other Saturday. Broadcasting the services at Ground Zero (WTC), Pennsylvania and the Pentagon live weren't enough.

Maybe we've gotten to comfortable with having a 16-acre hole in ground where the WTC once stood proudly. Maybe we've simply gotten bored of the constant political and religious bickering.

Speaking of religion, as much faith in God helped many regardless of the temple/church, religion has gotten on the way of healing. We shouldn't fret or hate Muslims or anyone else from any other religion. We must understand some idiots with the wrong idea of God (groups like al-Qaida) did out of their twisted beliefs.

9 years after, 9 years of fear

Maybe living in New York during the 9/11 chaos and murders was a true test of mental endurance even for those of us who didn't lose anyone. It was maybe the only period of time -- about the whole month of September 2001 -- that the people in NYC bonded and took care of one another to the point that even crime took a break.

My second child was merely eight weeks and two days old. I was scared for my life and that of child. It was the scariest period of time of my life. This is by no means the world I want my children to live in.

9 years after

Nine years ago, I went to work early (as usual). I was talking to some at work waiting for 8:30 AM start working. I remember hearing someone say that a plane had crashed in the World Trade Center (WTC). We all thought it was an accident till we saw a second plane crash on the news. Then we saw how the towers fell and the utter destruction in mere minutes.

By the end of the day, over 3,000 people had died. Some bodies and body parts were found within the destruction and chaos, but some weren't as lucky been pulverized
(incinerated leaving nothing behind, but the memory).

It was a day of intense horror, doubt and deep dismay. It might have been the worst day to live in NYC, but we've learned to outlive the horror and pain.

For those of us who live in this city, 9/11 might live in our minds till the day die.

reading

I've been reading what it means to be an ordained minister and also about the various differences between Christian denominations and in some cases other religious systems all together (traditions, rites, ideologies, etc; for example, http://www.ulc.org/training-education/6-baptism/72-baptism-overview). From all the religious material that I've read in the past decade or so, coming to a non-denominational church website has helped me most to understand the different ideologies in Christianity.

What does this all mean in my twisted mind? Am I becoming a better person, a better Christian or a "real" ordained minister? Does all this mean that I betrayed the church I go to? Am I still Catholic? Did I become Presbyterian? Did I join the Universal Life Church unknowingly?

I don't bloody know and I'm so bloody confused right now with my beliefs (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/more-confused-than-usual-minister.html)!

this old Jewish town

Without a doubt, NYC is a (mostly) Jewish town. Some of city laws are based on Jewish traditions -- like a child's religion being based on the mother's faith.

Today's in Rosh Hashanah -- the Jewish new year (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosh_Hashanah). The city doesn't seem as chaotic as other days. Many people are on holiday at home or temple.

Well all this doesn't mean that mostly everyone here's Jewish (although a good percent, especially in Brooklyn, Rego Park, etc). There are many religions and faiths. For the most part, most of us get along.

As a Christian, I celebrate Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, Christmas and New Year's day -- aside from the holidays that take place on Sundays like Pentecost.

what in the bloody hell?

At times I wonder what the use of holding on to my faith could actually be. I keep looking for a way to get my nine-year-old healthy. Everything I try just falls apart and ends up being nothing more than a waste of time and effort. This gets me down and makes me want to cry. What in the bloody hell am I doing wrong!?

two years later: such a confused man that I am or have simply become

So what am I?

1. I was raised Catholic, but always questioned the Church and its traditions and rites. Questioning the Catholic church would immediately brand me as a heretic or Protestant.

2. I took a break from church (not religion) for about fourteen (14) years. I read about different religions and faiths including Krishna.

3. I checked out the Methodist and Anglican church (2008), but I didn't feel comfortable there.

4. I've gone to a Presbyterian (Protestant) church for two years (since 2008). After a lot of soul searching, I even became a member of that church (congregation and denominational records).

5. Now I've become an "ordained minister" (pastor) in the Universal Life Church. Nonetheless I still go to the same Presbyterian church.

At the end of the day, what am I? At least, I know that I'm a Christian.

two years later: such a charlatan that I am or have simply become

Just for kicks, I got ordained as a Universal Life Church (http://www.themonastery.org/) minister on-line in under a minute (http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination). Nonetheless my views on what it takes to become a pastor remain the same. A person must study the Bible in Greek and Hebrew at least, theology, how to pray and deliver a good sermon, how to be an ambassador of God on earth and so on.

Said the latter, I might never be a pastor. Most importantly, I don't see myself using a title like "pastor" to get a tax break or other benefits. After all, I know that I might not be a shepherd (definition of the word "pastor") of any flock after all (other than my boys). Further more, I don't see myself pure enough to officiate a wedding or other "divine" functions.

In the end, getting ordained on-line under the jurisdiction of the ULC might be a blessing after all. I could use it to learn more about religion as a whole and perhaps be a better Christian.

"Ordination is the personal calling of an individual, by God, to enter into the ministry, usually in a church leadership role capacity. Because they say that God, and not any man or organization, directs people to go into ministry."
http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/5-ordination-training/255-legality-of-online-ordinations?template=themonastery

Ironically this ordination took place on the eve of me coming church -- FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) to be precise -- for 104 weeks straight (two years). I know and understand that I might be an ordained minister (pastor) on paper as per the ULC, but I truly wish at times that I was a "real" pastor at a church like FAPC (a place I've learned to consider my spiritual home for the past two years).

In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth). Now I must do the best of this situation and the opportunity to serve God and be a better person too (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/christian-in-word-not-in-action.html).

more confused than usual: a minister, a pastor or what

I emphasize on the belief that we're all ministers of faith and entitles me to propagate the Word of God. This means that I should teach others about God -- especially my children.

Of course, being a minister of faith doesn't make me a pastor. Being a pastor demands a higher calling. Then we have a place like The Monastery (http://www.themonastery.org/) that offers free ordination regardless of Christian denomination and/or religious affiliation. This has been an issue of deep confusion for me for a while now (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/business-of-religion.html). Does this mean we can all be pastors if we receive the proper calling or by simply wanting to be a pastor? At least, this website offers us an explanation what it means to be ordained (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/5-ordination-training/68-meaning?template=themonastery) and explains that taking such responsibility isn't by any means a joke.

"All these aspects are included in your ordination. Only a Church or ordaining religious entity sets the requirements for ordination for that group. Requirements are different for different groups. A person may attend a ministry school for ten years and graduate knowing only the beliefs of that group. What good would that person be to an individual of a totally different belief system? This is one reason the Monastery accepts everyone just as they are. You know all you need to know to be of assistance to others in their time of need. Nothing special is required to be a caring individual, an individual who listens well and acts in the best interests of others. These are traits common to all belief systems for their ministers to have. A strong desire to act in those manners can be held by everyone."
http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/5-ordination-training/68-meaning

Considering all this, could I be a good pastor? Maybe I could, but would I be any good?

Anyway the articles in http://www.themonastery.org/ are very good to appreciate Christianity and religious faiths in general.

Christian in word, not in action

I call myself a Christian, but I fail to act as such.

I see my friend Tiffany being a "true" Christian serving and helping others. Do her actions make her more of a Christian? Of course, they do especially since she does what she does quietly like helping in shelters at least once a month.

This comparison is merely to point out how fake we can be -- most importantly how fake and hypocrite I might be. I guess I must also point out that I admire my friend and I constantly wonder if I could ever be as unselfish as she seems.

I can only say that I have little children of my own to take care of. Well this is all I have in my defense.

business of religion

When did religion become a BUSINESS? There's always something religious to buy, sell and/or trade -- not only one's faith (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tough-sale-mean-business.html). Nowadays you can even buy credentials as a pastor to lead worship and to marry in some websites for about $20. This means anyone (including myself) can be "ordained" for about $20, less or FREE! With all this, how can we trust pastors and/or small churches? When did religion become a JOKE? The worst part in all this is that there are no regulations -- legal or religious (aside from withing a given denomination).

stealing a quote from @ThePresbyCat

This is a series of five quotes from ThePresbyCat on 08/30/2010 with a very Christian sense of humor.

"The Methodists pick you up out of the gutter.
The Baptists get you saved.
The Presbyterians educate you.
The Episcopalians introduce you to high society.
Then the Methodists have to pick you up out of the gutter again."
http://twitter.com/ThePresbyCat

the political circus & God

When I was growing up (70's & 80's), religion didn't seem to be too important in politics. Nowadays it seems that it's too important to be religious for a politician.

Atheists, Theists, and Agnostics, Oh My!
http://www.debategod.org/members/debategod/blog/VIEW/00000002/00000075/Atheists-Theists-and-Agnostics-Oh-My.html

As of late, this has brought more questions of the religious beliefs of the man that America elected as a President. I don't believe he's Christian especially after canceling the National Day of Prayer (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/politically-incorrect-so-what-good-for.html).

Newsweek Poll: 24% Think Obama is a Muslim | Politics | Christianity Today.
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctpolitics/2010/08/newsweek_poll_2.html

I'm not going to deny the importance that religion has in my political views as an adult. I want to know why this Christian nation's been destroyed by politicians and other individuals.

The GOP, Tea Party and other conservatives seem to be heterosexual men and women who call themselves believers (Abrahamic faiths). At the same time, democrats and liberals seem to be a mix of straight, gay, theists (believers), atheists, agnostics and those who commonly feel alienated especially foreigners (gullible virgins to the political propaganda machine).

Although these two political groups are like day and night, both groups tailor their political doctrine to different crowds and out of greed (power, money, sex, murder, war, etc) have corrupted and hurt this nation numerous times. In either case, being recognized as a theist (regardless of the corruption, sex or other scandals, lies, etc) has helped and made political careers.

From all the propaganda, lies and scandals, I'm a registered republican and have also supported the Tea Party and other conservative movements or agendas. Said the latter, I must point out that I've preferred conservatives for years even before coming back to the Church (late August 2008).

As a matter of fact, I'd vote for Sarah Palin if she decided to run for president in 2012 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/2012.html). At the same time, the biggest ring leader of the political circus is Glenn Beck who complaints on a daily basis of what liberals are doing against this nation. Some (liberals especially) are even thinking the possibility of a Palin/Beck ticket -- as a form of mockery. Then again, behind every joke there's some truth and in this case possibly fear.