Monday, November 29, 2010


Many believe in the idea that a soul's inhabited a previous body (life) and that the soul will occupy another body once the present body dies -- whether or not there's a waiting period between lives. In such belief, the soul carries the sins from the past life to the next one and must purge these sins somehow.

Depending who you talk to on the topic of reincarnation, there are two secondary beliefs. Some believe that these life cycles occur a specific number of times; by the end of which, we're saved or condemned. At the same time, others are more generous as for them these cycles continue till the soul's purged all its sins (Krishna belief of achieving enlightenment).

This beliefs exist outside a predefined religion as members of a religion might believe or ignore the concept of reincarnation.

If all the latter were true, this could explain why, from the moment we're born, some of us seem to start paying back for sins that we might have done in a previous life. If so, how would our understanding of God be affected? Could God have us been born to merely continue a life that we're not aware of and pay for sins that we can't recall? It'd be a cruel god. Of course, we, as Christians, want and need to believe in a just God. Hence most Christians would see reincarnation as an idea that can't exists within our understanding of Christianity.

There's a little twist in this belief. Some people believe that the next life in human form (most likely, if it were true), but some believe you could return as a lower animal.

On a personal level, I don't know what to think. The idea of reincarnation isn't quite my cup of tea, but at times I wonder if it were true. Who could I've been? Who'd I be in a future life? Note that I refer to coming back in human form and not as a lower animal form. Then again, if I were to come back as a lower animal, I'd rather be a lion or an eagle. Of course, this is just too twisted and not really part of the Christian doctrine.

not taking my medications

There are days that I forget to take my medications or simply don't. These are the days that I wonder about true nature. I simply act different, what I'd describe as dark and evil. Could this mean that I take medicine to simply drown my anger, hate and over all the real me -- to alter my (evil) nature? Am I better off dead? Is it me being a Christian a mere farce?

my son's first ever seizure

I went to sleep at about 10:15pm last night. Two hours later (about 12:25am) I woke up with my nine-year-old having a seizure (first one ever), means the possibility of more in the future. For a moment, I though my boy was dying.

We called 911, which dispatched the EMT (FDNY). The two paramedics took us to Elmhurst Hospital (HHC), which I visited many times at night while growing up with stomach cramps and such. Now I was taking my son to the same hospital at night as I used to do.

After the doctor took lots of notes and ruling out hyperglycemia (diabetes), the doctor mentioned that in my son's case, there were two possible factors that may have triggered the seizure -- his problems breaking down foods (Kreb's Cycle; or his brain. After taking an urine sample, two doctors determined that ketones (; Kreb's Cycle) and hyperglycemia weren't the cause for the seizure. Now I need to take my son to a neurologist for a EEG to check for any discrepancies in his brain wave activity. At least, it wasn't diabetes and he had the perfect excuse not to go to school.

In all, we stayed at the hospital for almost three and a half hours in the triage. When we got home about 4:00am, we got some sleep. A little over an hour later after barely sleeping, I was up again to get ready for work. I took a shower, got dressed, took all my medications, ate a banana, checked on my nine-year-old and left the apartment.

While writing this, I've felt as if I was going to breakdown and cry, but I can't afford that. I must be strong for my sick little boy. It was tough enough having my two-year-old seeing his dear brother taken away by two paramedics with me by his side.

This experience was possibly the scariest thing I've ever been through so far with him or any of my two other boys. The other worst experience was when my oldest child was born and practically had to be "resuscitated." I've already lost two children and I know the pain that I want to avoid with all my life.

Friday, November 26, 2010

'Church' Find Reveals America's Christian Foundation

no more proof needed to prove that this is a Christian nation ( enough said!

'Church' Find Reveals America's Christian Foundation

  • "Archaeologists at Jamestown believe they've made a major discovery, one that could serve as powerful evidence of America's Christian heritage."

  • "Christianity served not only as a foundation of America, but continued to thrive in a harsh new world of uncertainty."

religion as a system of superstition

Risking the possibility of being labeled a heretic or worse, religion can be seen as a form of system of superstition by an outsider since we often do things or avoid doing others in order to please God. The thought that some action done or avoided has control over of life or fate could easily be laughed at.

For example, in the Catholic doctrine, which I grew up with, if a person fails to go to church on a Sunday, he/she has automatically committed a mortal sin and fallen off God's Grace. This means that, in the case of that person's death, he/she would be cast to hell or the purgatory -- mortal sin. I grew up with this "superstition" engraved in my soul.

turkey, the holy bird

Many Christians in many parts of the world celebrate Christmas (happy birthday Jesus) with special feasts eating particular foods based on culture, tradition and/or society. In the US, the celebration of Christmas -- as well as Thanksgiving ( -- includes eating turkey.

When did eating the flesh of animals become part of any Christian celebration -- especially Christmas? Maybe it's time to spare a turkey (or any other animal, for that matter) and join Jesus in a temple during the celebration of God's incarnation and coming to earth.

Better yet, celebrating Christmas with a vegetarian dinner might even be a better idea. Why should we slaughter an animal to celebrate the coming of God? Shouldn't we better celebrate God by celebrating His creation?

By the way, if you're in NYC, come and join me at FAPC ( to celebrate Christmas. I hope to see you there.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

not giving thanks

One thing that annoys me is when I hold the door for someone (man or woman, well usually the latter) and that person "forgets" to thank me ( These people fail to realize that I've got no obligation to hold any door for anyone. Nonetheless these people think that society (me being part of) owes them something like holding a door and hence don't need to thank me or anyone else for that matter.

giving thanks

If we consider that we should thank others when do something for us that they're on no obligation to do, the American holiday celebrating how and why Native Americans helped the Pilgrims has a much deeper meaning. This act helped the Pilgrims not die, survive and establish colonies that over two centuries later have formed this nation led by and based on the Scriptures -- hence a true Christian nation. Of course, the formation of this Christian nation's tainted by the murder, rape, destruction and obliteration of several Native American societies (not to be covered on this entry).

Nonetheless as Christians, we should take this holiday to be thankful for the many or few things in our lives -- whatever generous bounty God's given us. We (myself included) fail to do so and simply complain. Of course, we in this nation have the right to work hard for what we want, of course, remembering that nothing's for free.

After giving myself this sermon, I should give thanks to God for
  1. my health as limited as it could be to work for what I want and/or need,
  2. all I've got including my work, habitat and what I've been able to give my children,
  3. my children and the joy they give me,
  4. my nine-year-old's health that could be much worse,
  5. my friends and whatever little family I really have,
  6. and all I take for granted that I can't think of right now as I'm writing (typing).

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

fun & games with Catholic condoms

The Pope's finally given "permission" to the use condoms in order to prevent AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases by male prostitutes (odd example used by the Pope). This also means that all Catholics are now "allowed" to use condoms even the use prevents a pregnancy -- a huge contradiction to prohibition of contraceptives by the Vatican. This has been shocking news for the Church. Some are on favor and of course some oppose -- the same old story. I just see it as a hypocritical move by the Catholic church giving in to a modern society of sexual recreation.

Pope seeks to start debate on condoms and AIDS

This decision from the Vatican came the same day a new drug's expected and hoped to help avoid the transmission of AIDS between gay men.

Study: AIDS Pill Helps Gay Men Avoid HIV Infection

All of a sudden, homosexuality and AIDS are once again headline news with the Catholic Church in the mix. Now this is surely strange.

restless me, always burning adrenaline

I remember when I first heard this word. I might have been in the second or third grade and I knew the textbook definition. It was good enough for spelling quizzes and tests at the time, but I couldn't understand the concept of not having (lacking, being without) rest. Several years later, I've come to understand the concept of not being able to rest (hyperactivity, worries, etc) regardless how tired I could be at any given point -- always burning adrenaline like a drag-racer burning fuel on a asphalt track to nowhere. Hence I get bored easily and need constant stimulation (watching TV, listening to music, etc). Perhaps the general need for stimulation triggers my mind to function continuously thinking, worrying, reading and/or writing (as in the case of all the material that you can see that I produce every day). It's awkwardly difficult for me to rest. As a matter of fact, I don't really know how to rest other than getting myself so tired that I practically pass out -- just as a priest told me ( In all, I'm total mess -- as if anyone cares.

the blackest friday, welcoming a god of silver & gold

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, which means that the next day's (the "real") Black Friday ( This is the official start of the holidays shopping season. This is what this society's become ignoring the only and real God and welcoming a god of silver and gold.


love, sex & tattoos: kinky fucking love

I guess that if I want to finish these three ideas -- love, sex and tattoos.

  1. love, sex & tattoos: ink
  2. love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie

Hence here's the conclusion -- my ideas of love, how I feel love.

I decided to change this post. If you care to see what I had posted here, which I had posted about five days ago, go to

Love in general, this human emotion referred to as love's been difficult for me have and share. From an early age, I wondered if my parents really loved me regardless how often I was told so, but my father dared to prove me wrong ( only persons who loved me without a doubt were my maternal grandparents (both dead) who taught me the core Christian values that I hold dearly to.

When most of us hear the word "love," we think of a relationship between a man and a woman. In my case, love came early (first grade, age 5). Each year I was in "love" with a different girl. Junior high school was no exception and neither was high school, but I was always the ugly duckling or the kid who couldn't afford gifts and crap as much as other kids. College was different as I literally had girls to choose from. It was a shocking surprise, but I enjoyed this change. I gained confidence, but this hallow confidence's not love. Women come and go, yet remaining lonesome for no one to care or hold. Love's a nasty feeling. Being in love's much worse.

The only place where I've been able find love's in the presence of my children. They're my life and soul. I'd be with them till the day I die, but first I need to leave them a future that can take care of them financially.

Ironically enough, as a bad cosmic joke, life is merely sick and twisted forms of LOVE, SEX and TATTOOS.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie

I've been a sex junkie since I was a kid, which is definitely not right. Maybe this messed me as an individual. Maybe this is the reason I can't feel love and/or loved.

My early (real or false) memories of sexual activity go back as early as five or six years of age -- being molested, nothing new or strange in this hellish world of ours. Whether coaxed or deceived, "playing" with my penis at that age was a child abuse. Surprisingly my mother knew about it till I confronted her about three or four years ago. Needless to say (write), my father doesn't know and I don't care to tell him (

I do remember that about that same time a cousin of mine (a year older, but shorter) and I were naked (the first girl I ever saw naked) facing each other while locked in the bathroom. In my vague recollection, I think we had some sort sex act (not sure if penetration). Of course, we've never talked about it. It'd be strange if having intercourse with cousin were my first time with a girl. Needless to say (write), I wouldn't have ruled it out and/or complain if that were the case.

A short time later, I masturbated for first time when I was nine or ten. I wasn't even sure what I was doing and I definitely didn't know that the substance coming out of me was semen, but it felt really good. Ignorance can sometimes be good after all.

About the same time, another cousin of mine (about three years older, maybe twelve at the time, also shorter) and I while visiting some relatives shared the same bed (no big deal for two small children to share a bed). I remember going to sleep with my hand in her panties while playing with her coarse pubic hair. What I can't recall is how or why I started touching her and most importantly why she let me do it. Did she get off on it? I never asked her.

I might have been too innocent, too naive or simply too stupid in my early teens. Once a girl I had just met asked me to have sex with her and took back her offer as I was shocked at her request. A short time later, my then-sort-of-girlfriend made a slight reference to having sex with her as she'd just started having ovulation cycles. Maybe I could've had sex with hundreds of girls and satisfy my animal instincts and lust, but I've never thought of it as worthwhile (no love, mere intercourse). The whole idea of getting dirty (OCD) having my penis and/or tongue inside multiple vaginas, rectums and/or mouths (clean or not) stopped me from acting on my animal instincts and needs. As an alternative, I always opted for frequent masturbation, which was much cleaner.

Years later, when I was eighteen, I know for sure that I "lost" my virginity with my ex-wife and mother of my oldest son (19).

At the end of the day, maybe this why I've got no problem with my sexuality, nudity and that of anyone else for that matter ( Most importantly, I've always been into the obscure and kinky side of sexuality. I also like feeding off conversations with my female friends as they tell me about their sexual experiences.

In all, does MY DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR make a bad person? I truly hope not.

love, sex & tattoos: ink

Why did I choose this title? Well it sounds cool like a movie title or so. Besides I wanted to write about tattoos (ink) on this entry.

In some societies, tattoos are the norm (part of culture itself), socially accepted (tolerated) while not in others no matter what. In the US, tattoos have become "normal" and widely accepted (tolerated). Nevertheless some people still find the combination of these three behaviors or at least tattoos deviant to the point of cataloging many not as mere rebels or trend seekers, but as junkies or worse yet criminals. Some in this latter group might even say that "true" Christians shouldn't have tattoos for an infinite number of excuses, from which the most interesting is relating tattoos as a sort of demonic practice or the mark of the devil.

"1 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.
3 And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.
4 And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?
5 And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.
6 And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.
7 And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.
8 And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.
9 If any man have an ear, let him hear.
10 He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.
12 And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed.
13 And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men,
14 And deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live.
15 And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed.
16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:
17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

- Revelation 13:1-18, KJV (1769)

I don't think tattoos affect someone's faith. It's not like the tattoo of a heart with the name of someone that person loves will drive that person to hell. At the same time, it's not like my tattoo of a tribal band with a skull and ripped skin portrays evil. If you can't get a joke as such, you're definitely too stupid to have your opinion worth paying attention to -- AFTER ALL IT'S ONLY INK.

prayer for the disabled: Jess

Once I was talking with my friend Jess (same age as I, 39) and asked her why she hasn't gotten married yet. I wanted to find out if she was straight or gay since women her age are normally married or live with someone. To my surprise, she told me about her disabled sister, that one of her sisters had died and that she's the only care taker for her disabled sister although her sister had gotten married. In other words, her love and obligations to her sister ( had halted her chances of getting married and have a family of her own.

Monday, November 22, 2010

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."

I hope it's depression (BPD; and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.

welcoming new members

Every church needs to be funded (electricity, gas, etc) and everyone working in a church needs to pay rent and bills (salaries, wages, etc). Hence a church relies on funds received from the congregation. This is perhaps the second reason why churches need members -- the main reason being a common faith and doctrine system.

These members are people who go to a particular church practically every Sunday, help cover costs and participate in various areas of the church willingly and expected to (myself included). This interpretation of what it means to be a member of a church might sound a bit harsh for some, but isn't this what it means to be a Christian in the first place?

Working with new members is often a strange and fondly interesting experience. New members sometimes don't know what to expect of the church (building, congregation, ministries, etc). When I've been asked to help welcoming new members, I've had to sit with them during breakfast (the day they're accepted and introduced as new members of the church) and give them a better idea what the church is and especially what it's not. Most importantly, being a member of a Christian congregation means being part of the Church and the household of God.

By the way, I want to point out that I'm fond of being a Christian and being a member of FAPC. I also thank this church for the opportunities it's given me to be part of the Church and be able serve God.

A message on People Living With Disabilities (ELCA)

As usual, I'm curious about the different groups in the Church. In the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) website (, I found a paper on the responsibility of society and especially the Church to the disabled -- not limited to the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America or any one denomination.

"Political rhetoric increasingly expresses the belief that the economic cost of providing accessibility or other means for enabling participation in society for people with disabilities is too high or not worth the benefit to society."

"A message on People Living With Disabilities"

As much as we should protect and help the needy, this obligation shouldn't be out of pity, but rather out of the morality of being a Christian.

As I've mentioned before (, I've advocated for the disabled for a while. As most advocates for the disabled, someone truly important to me is disabled and I'm that person's care giver.

It feels good to hear someone else say and write the same ideas I've had (quote above from ELCA) without the proper medium to protest. The only problem for many years has been that no one cares to listen about the poor quality of life that the disabled are left with.

Friday, November 19, 2010


Having OCD or simply silly habits at times can be annoying. I'm used to doing things thrice -- like when brushing my teeth (surprisingly no brilliantly white teeth, perhaps too much coffee). In general, I find myself doing random things three times unconsciously. It seems that all my life is on a 3/3 tempo.

Weirdly enough, when it comes to music, I can only think in a 4/4 tempo even if it's over 160 bpm.

something I wrote on someone else's blog

Love is simple -- unconditional and conditional, true and false, real and a sham, part-time and full-time.

  1. It's that unconditional love that a parent has for his/her child.

  2. It's that unconditional love of that of child to a parent -- at least we hope so.

  3. It's a chemical reaction in the brain that triggers the need of being satisfied by a person, the sexual attraction to that person and remaining with that person. It's the CONDITIONAL love between two people as long as that satisfaction is met. Visit (Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist, Big Think).

  4. Being this blog part of the church, the answer would be the love of God for us -- as the father (God) loves his children (us) unconditionally when we make him happy, cry or angry. See number 1.

  5. In the case of loving others, my take would be on being satisfied by something that they can do for us. See number 3.

    Love for others (a stranger worse off) is never and will never be unconditional because of our greed, selfishness, needs to be satisfied, anger and everything else that makes us hunters (humans) especially in NYC. See number 1.

no internet + no tv = tired all the time

I've been tired as of late. Since I moved two weeks ago (, I still haven't got the internet and TV service connected (

The internet company messed my account having the wrong address on record. Now I need to cancel my account and open a new one.

At the same time, the satellite service (TV) hasn't been connected. The technicians don't have the proper experience and don't known how to do the wiring coming from the roof through the walls.

So far, it's the worst moving experience that I've ever had. Ironically the new apartment's right across the hall from the old one. How difficult can the new set-up be.

Since I've got no TV (other than old recordings in my TiVo) and no internet in the apartment, I keep cleaning and fixing things in this apartment to avoid getting bored. I'm literally exhausted.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

old flames & temptation, Facebook to blame

Well it seems that Facebook leads to sex, being unfaithful, sinful and dirty. Well at least a NJ pastor says.

"I've been in extended counseling with couples with marital problems because of Facebook for the last year and a half," he said. "What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great."

Neptune pastor tells married church leaders to stop using Facebook

Lots of us have Facebook accounts to be close to our friends (new and old). At times, we find someone who was part of our lives (old flames) whom we still hold some level of friendship. Restarting this or that friend shouldn't matter because by the time we meet them again most of them are married, committed and/or have children. Nonetheless you should know better to simply keep your pants on.

On a personal note, in my Facebook account, I've got my friends from high school (some whom I've been friends with since elementary school), college (two different ones), work (past & present), church (that crazy bunch), related friends (friends of friends who've become good friends of mine, including an ex), some family (mom, oldest sister, nephews & son) and even a fellow conservative (politics) both in the States and abroad (as far as Taiwan to the east and Chile to the south). Most of my friends do the same especially to be close with our old friends who live all over the world nowadays.


The Bible says that murder is bad although there's lots of killing, death and crime in the canon.

"Thou shalt not kill."
- Exodus 20:13 KJV (1769)

Taking someone's life's against the Law of Moses (The Ten Commandments). Nonetheless killing in self-defense's not punished by religion. At the same time, killing in time of war's not punished by religion or society. It all depends who's killing whom.

"Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible avenger than the one you pray to."
- George Carlin (1937-2008), November 17, 2001

In the case of capital punishment, societies have different opinions. Those who oppose would refer to the Law of Moses. On the other side of the coin, those in favor would say, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." Extending this latter idea, it'd clearly be "a life for a life," where taking someone's life makes lots of sense if this person had killed at least one person intentionally. For the record, I support it as much as it may go against the Laws of Moses.

In the case of abortion, I'm against abortion as it's the selfish and coward murder of a child. Pro-choice's merely child-murder and those who support it are imbeciles. Further more, there's nothing worse than one's mother telling her son/daughter that she'd wanted to abort him/her. In such scenario, that child might be lucky to be alive -- my case as I cheated death for the first time ( My sister (two years younger than I, age 37 if she'd been given a chance to live) and other siblings whom I was never aware about weren't as lucky. As much as I hate to admit, I lost a child this way too. That's enough for me to say.

I don't care to have an opinion when it comes to killing to get rid of someone (especially other criminals). Of course, I don't have an opinion as long as it's not a child (worse than abortion) or to leave no innocent witnesses behind during other kind of crimes (becoming a candidate for capital punishment).

In all, killing may simply be a sin/crime if killing the "wrong" person in the "wrong" circumstances. After all, we've all wanted to beat someone to death, shred someone to pieces and/or simply kill someone who's done us wrong. Of course as sinners, we always find a way to excuse ourselves and still go to church the very next Sunday.

worst father ever, me (maybe)

Then again (, sometimes I think I'm so bad of a father ( Only time and God would tell.

worst father ever, me

I do everything possible for my boys, but whatever I do is and will never be enough and I've got need to sugarcoat it.

  1. I'm not there for my oldest child (19). It doesn't matter how much I miss him. I haven't been with him in the good and bad. I've truly failed him regardless how many times he may say otherwise.
  2. My middle child (9) was diagnosed with a disorder when he was a still practically a baby. For the past seven to eight years, there's been very little that I've been able to accomplish to improve his quality of life, but he's not healed.
  3. My youngest (2) seems to be healthy as all his tests come back clean (perhaps inconclusive, maybe too early to tell). Perhaps he doesn't feel loved and/or cared for appropriately since taking care of my second child (his own brother) demands lots of time and effort, but he doesn't know how to express it or simply can't -- at least, not as of yet. At times I can't give my youngest everything he wants (toys especially) since most of the money I earn is spent on medications and therapies for my middle child.

It's depressing to fall short for my children. I'm practically taking from one child to give to the other. Further more, I don't like the possible wrong "values" that I may be teaching my three boys. Having them baptized as Christians isn't enough.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

my resentment to or rejection of Catholicism

As I've stated many times, I was uncomfortable as a Catholic. I didn't understand many of its concepts like saints (as a semi-divine entity), the Virgin Mary (as a divine entity), the Pope (authority of God on earth), reciting the same impersonal prayers (the Lord's Prayer not included in this list) and confession of sins to a priest (middle-man between humans and God). At the same time, I saw lots of corruption in the Catholic Church like priests charging for their services -- Last Rites, First Communion, Confirmation and other (Catholic) sacraments.

Now that I go to a Protestant church and have learned Jesus only gave us two sacraments (Baptism & The Lord's Supper). I wonder where the Catholic Church got seven sacraments? That's five more sacraments.

  • Baptism
  • Eucharist (Lord's Supper)
  • Reconciliation (confession)
  • Confirmation (confirmation of faith)
  • Marriage
  • Holy Orders (ordination of priests)
  • Anointing of the Sick (Last Rites)

See for more detailed information.

Further more, I see lots of discrepancies in the doctrine compared to what Christianity originally was.

After almost four decades on this earth, I finally feel comfortable expressing and living my faith -- in a Protestant church, no less. I can say that I'm a Christian feeling that I can dare call myself so. I've studied the Bible and have no trouble to question my beliefs and understanding of the Scriptures -- a behavior that's not encouraged in Catholicism.

The only problem (if ever) is that my oldest son's completely Catholic. He believes in saints, the Virgin Mary (as a divine entity) and impersonal prayers.

Then again, I can be wrong in all this. Maybe Catholicism's the true expression of Christianity, but I can't believe corruption and secondary beliefs (saints, etc) are part of the core of what our belief should be. At the end of the day, I'd still go to a Protestant (Presbyterian) church where I feel at home and can feel that I'm a Christian and not part of a stupid charade.

In all, let's see what God's got to tell us when he comes to separate the sheep from the goats (

my breakfast before breakfast

This is what I take every morning. By the way, I'm not including names (sorry, no advert).

  • 2 capsules of antipsychotics
  • 2 capsules of antidepressants
  • 1 pill for ADD
  • 1 pill for high blood pressure
  • 1 pill for allergies
  • 1 pill for cholesterol (natural supplement)
  • 1 capsule of garlic (natural supplement)
  • 1 capsule of vitamin C (natural supplement)
  • 1 capsule of charcoal to eliminate toxins, this week (natural supplement)

This is a total of 11 pills and capsules. I might forgetting one or two pills for something. I can't recall.

rants: the same rants

A friend of mine* writes about the same topic over and over. It's her way to cope with the pain that kills her inside. She'll share her pain as long as she's got an audience who'd hear her.

I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).

As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.

On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.

* Hey kiddo, I'm sorry if my comments hurt your feelings. Sometimes you can only let go when it's time to let go.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

nudity, damaged by religion

Many people feel uncomfortable with their own nudity. Either they feel dirty (damage of religion), fat or ugly (damage of society). There's nothing wrong with nudity and appreciate THE BEAUTY OF SOMEONE'S NUDE BODY. Religion plays an important role tainting nudity and sex as something dirty -- a sin, a shame. This is perhaps the biggest damage religion -- especially Christianity -- has dared to make. According to religion, I shouldn't walk around naked in my apartment if I felt like it because nudity's dirty (how stupid). At the same time, society's corrupted the mind of many making them believe that a "beautiful" body is within certain parameters. Hence not fitting in such means that the person's not desired and that no one cares to see him/her. Let's not forget that beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

The only problem in nudity and hence sex -- in my opinion (fucking disclaimers) -- exists on the mind of the perverted who prefer not to appreciate, but rather want to hurt (for example, rape) or sell oneself (for example, prostitution). This idea of a "real" problem's shared by religion and society.

Now the use of one's nudity involving recreational sex might or might not be part of latter. Purists would say that sexual intercourse must be limited to a married couple. Of course, in today's society it doesn't quite work that way. Although religion still attacks it, society doesn't condemn it. Further more, society uses sex to sell ideas (advertisement & propaganda).

Said all this, I wouldn't care to post a picture of me naked, but society wastes no time to catalog it as pornography and hence bad. Hence I need to comply with society in order to keep this blog clean and not scare of readers (if any).

no one to trust

Growing up, my father taught me to trust no one. Ironically the person I could never trust is my own father ( In all, I don't trust people in general, but I've given my "blind" trust to a small group of people. Nonetheless that trust can never be truly blind as much as I wish it was. If any of my friends lies to me, he/she would have betrayed me and hence lost all trust being immediately disposed of.

murdered trees, gifts, snow & joy: puppet show in the manger

On a personal note (, we'll just have the little Nativity set that I've got my little boys last year in church. It consists of a small barn, a finger puppet for Mary and another for Joseph, a plush lamb, a plush camel and baby Jesus swaddled in the manger (picture below). My two-year-old loves to play with it -- most likely not understanding what the Nativity set represents. Maybe this is how children learn and enjoy religion while growing up as "true" children of God.

murdered trees, gifts, snow & joy

Christmas is coming. Many people buy murdered pine trees to put in their homes as some sort of Christmas symbol or decoration of sorts.

Anyone who's studied the Bible or been in a church would know that trees have nothing to do with Christmas. It makes no sense whatsoever to use a tree as a representation of God. It can confuse outsiders making them think that the tree is in fact God. Now this assumption is totally stupid, but it may happen.

Other symbols of the Christmas season such as gifts, snow (White Christmas) and joy most humans feel in a Judeo-Christian society merely represent the weather, goodwill, remembrance of the gifts given to the baby Jesus or the tradition of giving children gifts during Hanukkah. In all this, where's the birth of Christ (the incarnation of God)?

On a personal note, we'll just have the little Nativity set that I've got my little boys last year in church.

what if God came to visit?

I grew up with stories about God coming to earth as a common man (incognito) to talk to and perhaps test people. In one of these stories, God talked to two men planting potatoes (or some other root) and he asked them what they were planting. One replied politely, to which God said, "And potatoes you shall harvest." The other was rude and replied mockingly that he was planting rocks, to which God said, "And rocks you shall harvest." In the story the first farmer had a good harvest while the second only had rocks.

I also remember my maternal grandmother telling me that nowadays (back in the late 1970's) people had become so evil that God would no longer "dare" to come. This always struck me, but I accepted due to the news of continuous wars in the Middle East -- at the time, Iraq & Iran.

What'd we do if God came to us to chat and/or asked us anything? Would you be polite or a total asshole? Would you harvest food or rocks?

On a personal level, I guess I'd be the second without excuses. That's just me -- rude and often stupid.

I was thinking of these stories because of this past Sunday's sermon. The pastor read what Jesus will do when he does come back -- separating the sheep from the goats. He'll congratulate the sheep for offering food and drink, clothing, visiting the sick and imprissoned and simply helping those in need. He'll also reprimand those who failed this simple task.

31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

- Matthew 25:31-46 (KJV)

As the pastor emphasized during his sermon, to be a Christian is to VISIT.

Monday, November 15, 2010

the Jewish sect

something to think about...

"The Christian is simply a Jew of the 'reformed' confession."
– Friedrich Nietzsche

"Christianity began as a Jewish sect in the mid-1st century. Originating in the eastern Mediterranean, it quickly grew in size and influence over a few decades, and by the 4th century had become the dominant religion within the Roman Empire."

"For a long time Christianity regarded itself as part of Judaism. It had its center in Jerusalem (Irenæus, 'Adversus Hæreses, i. 26); its first fifteen bishops were circumcised Jews, they observed the Law and were rather unfriendly to heathenism (Sulpicius Severus, 'Historia Sacra,' ii. 31; Eusebius, 'Hist. Eccl.' iv. 5; compare Matt. xv. 26), while they held friendly intercourse with the leaders of the synagogue (see Grätz, 'Gesch. der Juden,' iv. 373 et seq.; and Ebionites, Minim, and Nazarenes). Many a halakic and haggadic discussion is recorded in the Talmud as having taken place between the Christians and the Rabbis (see Jacob the Gnostic). Probably the Christian Congregation, or Church of the Saints, did not distinguish itself in outward form from the "Ḳehala Ḳaddisha" at Jerusalem, under which name the Essene community survived the downfall of the Temple (Ber. 9b; compare Eccl. R. ix. 9: 'Edah Ḳedoshah). Of course, the destruction of the Temple and of the Judean state and the cessation of sacrifice could not but promote the cause of Christianity (see Justin, "Dial. cum Tryph." xi.); and under the impression of these important events the Gospels were written and accordingly colored. Still, Jew and Christian looked in common for the erection of the kingdom of heaven by the Messiah either soon to appear or to reappear (see Joël, "Blicke in die Religionsgesch." i. 32 et seq.). It was during the last struggle with Rome in the days of Bar Kokba and Akiba that, amidst denunciations on the part of the Christians and execrations on the part of the Jewish leaders, those hostilities began which separated Church and Synagogue forever, and made the former an ally of the arch-enemy. Pauline Christianity greatly aided in the Romanizing of the Church. It gravitated toward Rome as toward the great world-empire, and soon the Church became in the eyes of the Jew heir to Edom (Gen. xxvii. 40). The emperor Constantine completed what Paul had begun—a world hostile to the faith in which Jesus had lived and died. The Council of Nice in 325 determined that Church and Synagogue should have nothing in common, and that whatever smacked of the unity of God and of the freedom of man, or offered a Jewish aspect of worship, must be eliminated from Catholic Christendom."
(excellent article to read completely...
enough to prove my point, so please no lawsuits)

moving black friday

As many nowadays know, Black Friday's been the day after Thanksgiving when stores drop prices to have high volume sales -- the start of the Holiday (Christmas) shopping season. Perhaps to push profits, some stores are now starting some time before or after Hallowe'en. The commercialism of Christmas continues to increase and Christ continues to fade -- what a sham, what a shame.


raising a sick child, afraid of the future

Raising a sick child is difficult without a doubt. I'm still figuring out how to make sure my son's quality of life -- after I die -- remains acceptable. So far, I've gotten little progress and I'm worried of whatever's to come. I definitely don't want to give my older son the responsibility of looking after his little brother, but it seems that I'd have to. It's unfair for my older child and my younger boy should be in a better position to care for himself fully (

denominational & non-denominational: mea culpa

As I've pointed out in my previous post (as a form of disclaimer),

the following's merely the result of my observation on human behavior and religious belief systems -- most importantly my behavior and religious belief system (my faith in God).

Considering the structure of churches and their service, I prefer to be in a controlled, organized and fixed environment where I fully understand what's going on during the service. Hence I prefer a denominational church -- a Presbyterian church, Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church, which I had never thought I'd consider going beyond the mere curiosity.

As a child, I went to one of two Catholic churches in my neighborhood as these services were supposed to be identical. When I moved back to NYC, I started going to St Patrick's Cathedral, but I quit shortly after. As much as mass was strictly organized, it was a boring experience and unfulfilling -- to me at least.

Some thirteen years later, I shopped for a new church and found the current church I go to every Sunday -- FAPC. This same church sometimes mid-week alternative services with music, Scripture readings and several quick sermons. I even understand and enjoy since these service maintain a specific certain order even when at times running longer than planned.

I've heard of and gone to services on other churches that don't seem to have a clear organization. I couldn't survive in such scenario.

denominational & non-denominational

As all comments in this blog, the following's merely the result of my observation on human behavior and religious belief systems -- most importantly my behavior and religious belief system (my faith in God).

Catholic churches follow the same script (more or less) as indicated by the dioceses that controls them geographically (if any differences at all). The difference between one Catholic church and another relies mainly on its geographical location, the personality and/or charisma from the priest -- likable or not, trustworthy or not, good looking or not, in other words his plain human nature.

Protestant churches either are part of (affiliated with) a larger denominational body (synod and/or other group) or totally independent -- not necessarily meaning non-denominational. Some churches from a specific denomination and/or affiliated to a synod or other supervising body don't necessarily follow the same script as others from the same denomination or affiliated to the same synod.

At the same time, non-denominational churches aren't subject to a given script, guidance and/or supervision on what their pastors teach, how to deliver a service and/or doctrines (secondary/denominational). At least, in some level, the extended congregation (members of similar churches) might influence (not organize and manage) how a given group of churches behave.

Hence Protestant churches come in lots of different flavors for different groups of Christians to choose from -- whatever flavor you had been raised in, identify yourself with and/or like best. This all means that a person most likely will be inclined to denominational doctrine and/or the message that a particular church offers -- not merely how close the person lives to the church.

So how do you organize what various preachers ought to preach about? It's practically impossible from a human perspective and limitation, but hopefully the Holy Spirit does it for them to deliver the real Word of God and not some made-up, made-believe and self-centered corruption of the Word to accomplish some twisted agenda. Unfortunately many false "prophets" and ungodly preachers have come and gone hurting lots of people for their selfish motives.

bad thoughts

Once again, I've having bad thoughts in a somewhat constant basis. Maybe I need to be more heavily medicated or even sedated. Otherwise the demons in my head will get me in serious trouble.

"How does it feel to accept you're gonna sink into despair.
How does it feel to lose the fight, the battle with yourself."

Maybe this is why I keep listening to "How does it feel?" from Tattoo of Pain ( -- a side project of Praga Khan (Lords of Acid; from Belgium (nu-beat).

Of course, no internet access and no TV service don't help my mood (

no internet & no tv

I moved a week ago and I still don't have internet access or TV service.
Let's just say that I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.

Friday, November 12, 2010

starting over: pizza diet, the diet of the (un)holy

During some of my toughest times (, I could only afford a slice or two of pizza and large cup of soda at most. Eating a piece of flat bread with tomato sauce and cheese with carbonated water made me lose lots of weight. Surprisingly I was healthy (thanks God).

Sometimes the worst of times brings the best of something although I'm not sure what. All I know is that it could have been much worse. Maybe that positive "thing" could have been much more if I had been going to a good church to maintain my mind and soul. Maybe it was a call that I might have failed or a test of endurance that I excelled in.

starting over

The whole idea of starting anew penniless scares most people. It's an old and beaten idea that makes me fairly uncomfortable. I've gone through it several times in my adult life and I've got no plans to go through it again (1991, 1993, 1995 & 2003).

Then again, the idea of moving to a new home or getting a new job can be seen as starting a new life. This is how I feel with my recent move to a new apartment and after changing banks. It's a new me -- at least with the same job, same debts, same little money left over from paycheck to paycheck, same old problems and fears.

Of course, the idea of starting over and becoming a truly good person does sound attracting, but I often fall back to my old self. It's hard to unlearn bad habits and be a better person. Maybe I need to hang out much more time in church.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

hell & demons, heaven & angels: mea culpa

I guess I should answer my own questions.

Does believing in hell, demons or the devil mean that I believe in Heaven, angels and therefore God?

Do I believe in (1) hell, (2) demons, (3) the devil, (4) Heaven, (5) angels and/or (6) God?

I believe in hell as eternal torment and terror (highest level of fear). Whatever that torment and terror may be. I also believe in demons and the devil as part of hell.

At the same time, I believe in Heaven as the Kingdom of God, as the reward for those who are clean of sin (in grace). I believe in angels as those souls who serve God in Heaven, especially the concept of guardian angels as the personal steward each one of us has been granted with. Needless to say, I believe in one God -- regardless of the name (Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Ra, etc), meaning, concept or definition given by humans.

I don't know what to believe about concepts like the purgatory and saints (early Church martyrs or not) -- other than being concepts created by men.

Believing in hell and its horrors does influence my belief of Heaven. I need either some sort of balance in the cosmos (good vs evil; yin and yang, or to justify the horrors I've lived ( As I usually say, I've been in and out (the horrors of) hell. Hence if hell exists, Heaven must do too.

hell & demons, heaven & angels

Does believing in hell, demons or the devil mean that we believe in Heaven, angels and therefore God?

Maybe this isn't quite a question that many want to touch. Some believe in a Godhead, but not in hell. Some believe in evil (hell, demons, etc), but not in a god -- at least the God we know. These are six different elements that I just threw in a single question. Maybe the best alternative would be breaking my original question in six separate parts. Do you believe in (1) hell, (2) demons, (3) the devil, (4) Heaven, (5) angels and/or (6) God? You're welcome to share your answers sending them me via my Twitter account (@Project05952381).

Going back to my original question, there are groups of Christians who believe in all these six elements. These Christians (mostly Catholics) believe in eternal damnation (the devil, demons and hell) as a punishment if God doesn't find us clean from sin. At the same time, if God does find us clean from sin (in grace), we'd be welcomed in Heaven where God resides with the angels and saints.

So if you're a Christian, you most likely believe in and/or follow the Christ (Jesus), but what else do you believe in? If you need help answering, read the following article.

Many Americans Mix Multiple Faiths

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

Three Faiths

New York Public Library ( has an exhibition titled Three Faiths ( from 10/22/2010 to 02/27/2011. It's weird that the local government's decided to use tax-payers money on an exhibition on the three religions of Abraham, but I'm glad for this exhibition.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

no God? yeah right!

Why do atheist groups dedicate so much effort telling people (believers and not) that we (believers) are wrong? Everyday Christian ( just posted an article about a new advert campaign by American Humanist Association ( to discredit the Bible.

Atheist Group Launching National Ad Campaign Challenging Bible

These groups of non-believers spend lots more effort telling people that there's no God than we (Christians) spend teaching about God. Maybe it's the sickening desperation of proving themselves that their belief system must be true, yet doubting their own belief system.

ruthless winter to come: sleeping in ice & snow

Every year, the media and the local government advise that the elderly and children be protected from the cold. They also offer hot-line phone numbers for people to complain if they've got no heat and/or hot water. Of course, there's also the worry of the homeless -- those who sleeping in the cold streets out of no other choice. Shelters are offered as an alternative, which of course can only hold a certain number of people leaving many in the cold. In all, winter in NYC can be brutal and ruthless especially if you're cold with your body heat dropping by the minute and getting numb.

I'm listing some organizations if you care to help or need help.

What I just wrote above is absolutely nothing unless you've lived through this. Do something. At least, support whatever outreach ministry your church offers. Said the latter, if your church doesn't have outreach programs, find another church.

ruthless winter to come: dark side of the moon-lit earth

All Gallows' Eve just passed with ghouls and ghosts asking for candy. It's still autumn with its pumpkin pies and naked trees ( Nevertheless the temperature's dropped to 43°F, but it feels like 36°F with the windshield factor (as of 2010/11/10 at 07:41). That's a huge drop from 102°F this past summer ( This is merely a preview of what this coming winter in NYC (at least, no idea about other areas on the US) could be like -- ruthless, bitter and plainly life-threatening. Then again, I don't think there's any other place on earth that I'd rather be for winter with a cup of coffee in my cold hands looking out the window at the snow.

With this new low temperatures, many people started wearing heavy parkas and layered wool coats. Stupidly enough, I'm only wearing a two-layer nylon jacket since I forget to wear anything heavier. Besides since I just moved (, I don't even know where most of clothes are in the mess that I've got in the apartment that I'm still making sense of.

Monday, November 8, 2010

free Bibles, but the Gospels only

In the Times Square subway station, I sometimes see people preaching the word of God or at least trying to get people to repent talking about the end of times. These same people hand out lots of reading material including free Bibles. The only problem I see in all this is that these Bibles are only the four Gospels (no Old Testament, no other books from the New Testament).

  • This means that we only have the storied of Christ's life, three-year public ministry, crucifixion, death, resurrection and Word (Gospels only).
  • Therefore the the prophets, the people of God (Old Testament), the coming of Christ and the letters of the early Church (New Testament) are missing.

Of course, the distribution of at least part of the Good News remains a good idea.


Refer to

SATURDAY 2010/11/06

09:50 - got keys to new apartment

09:55 - found out gas service in the new apartment had been shut off so no hot water, no heat, no gas to cook till Monday

10:00 - had breakfast; started moving into new apartment; didn't take medications all day

17:00 - took a shower; to continue moving on Sunday

20:00 - went to sleep

SUNDAY 2010/11/07

07:00 - woke up to my son fuming that DSL & phone service had been disconnected in old apartment, no DSL & phone service in new apartment either; all no DirecTV till Tuesday

07:15 - continued moving our stuff

08:45 - had breakfast; took medications

09:30 - showered to go to church

10:00 - took the subway to church

10:40 - arrived at church, had some coffee (second cup of the day) and piece of pound cake, entered the sanctuary & went to help at the audio console

12:30 - service over, took subway back

13:00 - continued moving

18:00 - had some Chinese noodles with fried tofu

20:00 - finished cleaning the floors the old apartment

22:15 - finished moving, smelling & tired; went out to get a cup of coffee (third cup) & other groceries

22:30 - took a shower

22:45 - tried to sleep; no idea when I did fall asleep

MONDAY 2010/11/08

05:15 - dismissed my wake-up alarm

05:45 - got up, all sore & tired with backache, took shower; took my medications, no breakfast yet

06:30 - took subway to go to work

08:00 - going to start working

08:30 - going to have breakfast

* nasty, lots of work to simply move from apartment to another a mere twenty feet away

cheating death, on borrowed time

I've said that I live on borrowed time several times since I should have died years ago since I was born. I wasn't supposed to be born in the first place. My mother considered having an abortion, but she didn't have enough money to go through it. I almost died at 20 days of age, at 15 when my liver failed, at 17 in a bike accident where I could have broken my neck and maybe several more times that I can recall.

In all, I've cheated death by the skin of my teeth several times. This means that this time I'm living and breathing wasn't meant for me to live. This isn't my time, but yet I've got it. For some reason, God doesn't want me with him yet. There's a higher calling that I've yet found or gotten to know about.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Christ-less Christmas

It's time for another CHRISTMAS shopping spree. This is what the birth of the CHRIST's become. Actually the political correct term's HOLIDAYS (plural, generic term to include Hanukkah).

In their desperate attempt to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS, the idiots who prefer to use the word HOLIDAY fail to understand the definition of their preferred word. HOLIDAY means HOLY DAY.


Wish a Jew a HAPPY HANUKKAH and spin a dreidel.

Wish a Christian (me too) a MERRY CHRISTMAS and forget about Santa and the tree.

By the way, don't kill and buy pine trees. It's a waste of nature to satisfy your stupid ego.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Every time I've ever moved to a new apartment, I've felt as if I was starting a new life. This weekend I'm moving and I should most likely be excited, but I'm not. I rather feel dull and uninterested -- yet not depressed. It'd just be another weekend that I won't get to sleep or rest and by Monday I'd be sleeping in a different habitat.

Whatever it's in my head right now might only be described as a feeling of NOTHINGNESS (not WORTHLESSNESS), of having no interest in anything. Regardless what this feeling really is, it's plagued me for the past two weeks or so. I haven't even really watched the movies that I've rented from Netflix or TV for that matter -- well other than Sherlock ( and Jerry Springer ( I've rather slept, listened to lots of music, written lots of material and read whatever MOBI and PRC files in my BlackBerry.

It's as if my life had stood still while seeing others go through their lives. I'm not sure what I might be missing right now. At least, I feel good when writing or playing with my children -- a mere handful of minutes spread through out the day.

Several times in the past, I've felt a void that no drugs or religion have been able to fulfill ( I'm not sure if this void's the same nothingness that I feel right now. If it were, I know that my faith has usually filled that sort of void.

Then again it might just be my medication taking my joy away (bad side effect), not only my anger and anxiety (BPD & OCD). In the end, I'm walking through life as the undead (zombie) from a bad science fiction movie with no feeling or care.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

walking by a Lutheran church: born dead in sin

I'm still slowly reading "This We Believe" ( while taking notes and highlighting key parts of the text. In any event, I just found a little something that bothers me.

"5. We believe that Adam and Eve lost their divine image when they yielded to the temptation of Satan and disobeyed God's command. This brought upon them the judgment of God: "You will surely die" (Genesis 2:17). Since that time all people are conceived and born in a sinful condition (Psalm 51:5) and are inclined only to evil (Genesis 8:21). "Flesh gives birth to flesh" (John 3:6). Since all people are by nature dead in sin and separated from God (Ephesians 2:1), they are unable to reconcile themselves to God by their own efforts and deeds."

There are two schools of though on this regard.

  1. One says that we're born in sin and hence evil by default. Therefore we need to break out of our human nature and flesh. This seems to be Lutheran perspective. Even if my interpretation were dead wrong, I don't like the whole fire and brimstone gimmick (
  2. In the other hand, the other school of thought teaches us that we're good by nature ( and we need to escape sin to be back with God. This is more likely the Presbyterian point of view. After all, I believe and want to believe in a loving God, not a vengeful God ( I just hope I'm not wrong.

As a disclaimer, I must emphasize that my opinion's no means a way or form of offense to anyone reading or not reading this or any text I've written.

mid-term elections (2010)

Yesterday we had mid-term elections and all I can say is that it's the same mess with some different faces. This nation needs a radical change that I haven't seen any politician achieve since Reagan (Evil Empire speech & fall of the Berlin Wall).

Reverend clergy all, Senator Hawkins, distinguished members of the Florida congressional delegation, and all of you:

I can't tell you how you have warmed my heart with your welcome. I'm delighted to be here today.

Those of you in the National Association of Evangelicals are known for your spiritual and humanitarian work. And I would be especially remiss if I didn't discharge right now one personal debt of gratitude. Thank you for your prayers. Nancy and I have felt their presence many times in many ways. And believe me, for us they've made all the difference.

The other day in the East Room of the White House at a meeting there, someone asked me whether I was aware of all the people out there who were praying for the President. And I had to say, "Yes, I am. I've felt it. I believe in intercessionary prayer."

But I couldn't help but say to that questioner after he'd asked the question that -- or at least say to them that if sometimes when he was praying he got a busy signal, it was just me in there ahead of him.


I think I understand how Abraham Lincoln felt when he said, "I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."

From the joy and the good feeling of this conference, I go to a political reception.


Now, I don't know why, but that bit of scheduling reminds me of a story -- [laughter] -- which I'll share with you.

An evangelical minister and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them in hand to show them where their quarters would be. And he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the clergyman. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.

And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how -- there's something wrong -- how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands and thousands of clergy. You're the first politician who ever made it."


But I don't want to contribute to a stereotype.


So, I tell you there are a great many God-fearing, dedicated, noble men and women in public life, present company included. And yes, we need your help to keep us ever mindful of the ideas and the principles that brought us into the public arena in the first place. The basis of those ideals and principles is a commitment to freedom and personal liberty that, itself, is grounded in the much deeper realization that freedom prospers only where the blessings of God are avidly sought and humbly accepted.

The American experiment in democracy rests on this insight. Its discovery was the great triumph of our Founding Fathers, voiced by William Penn when he said, "If we will not be governed by God, we must be governed by tyrants."

Explaining the inalienable rights of men, Jefferson said, "The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time."

And it was George Washington who said that "of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports."

And finally, that shrewdest of all observers of American democracy, Alexis de Tocqueville, put it eloquently after he had gone on a search for the secret of America's greatness and genius -- and he said, "Not until I went into the churches of America and heard her pulpits aflame with righteousness did I understand the greatness and the genius of America. America is good. And if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great."

Well, I'm pleased to be here today with you who are keeping America great by keeping her good. Only through your work and prayers and those of millions of others can we hope to survive this perilous century and keep alive this experiment in liberty -- this last, best hope of man.

I want you to know that this administration is motivated by a political philosophy that sees the greatness of America in you, her people, and in your families, churches, neighborhoods, communities -- the institutions that foster and nourish values like concern for others and respect for the rule of law under God.

Now, I don't have to tell you that this puts us in opposition to, or at least out of step with, a prevailing attitude of many who have turned to a modern-day secularism, discarding the tried and time-tested values upon which our very civilization is based. No matter how well intentioned, their value system is radically different from that of most Americans. And while they proclaim that they're freeing us from superstitions of the past, they've taken upon themselves the job of superintending us by government rule and regulation. Sometimes their voices are louder than ours, but they are not yet a majority.

An example of that vocal superiority is evident in a controversy now going on in Washington. And since I'm involved, I've been waiting to hear from the parents of young America. How far are they willing to go in giving to government their prerogatives as parents?

Let me state the case as briefly and simply as I can. An organization of citizens, sincerely motivated and deeply concerned about the increase in illegitimate births and abortions involving girls well below the age of consent, sometime ago established a nationwide network of clinics to offer help to these girls and, hopefully, alleviate this situation. Now, again, let me say, I do not fault their intent. However, in their well-intentioned effort, these clinics have decided to provide advice and birth control drugs and devices to underage girls without the knowledge of their parents.

For some years now, the federal government has helped with funds to subsidize these clinics. In providing for this, the Congress decreed that every effort would be made to maximize parental participation. Nevertheless, the drugs and devices are prescribed without getting parental consent or giving notification after they've done so. Girls termed "sexually active" -- and that has replaced the word "promiscuous" -- are given this help in order to prevent illegitimate birth or abortion.

Well, we have ordered clinics receiving federal funds to notify the parents such help has been given. One of the nation's leading newspapers has created the term "squeal rule" in editorializing against us for doing this, and we're being criticized for violating the privacy of young people. A judge has recently granted an injunction against an enforcement of our rule. I've watched TV panel shows discuss this issue, seen columnists pontificating on our error, but no one seems to mention morality as playing a part in the subject of sex.

Is all of Judeo-Christian tradition wrong? Are we to believe that something so sacred can be looked upon as a purely physical thing with no potential for emotional and psychological harm? And isn't it the parents' right to give counsel and advice to keep their children from making mistakes that may affect their entire lives?

Many of us in government would like to know what parents think about this intrusion in their family by government. We're going to fight in the courts. The right of parents and the rights of family take precedence over those of Washington-based bureaucrats and social engineers.

But the fight against parental notification is really only one example of many attempts to water down traditional values and even abrogate the original terms of American democracy. Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged. When our Founding Fathers passed the First Amendment, they sought to protect churches from government interference. They never intended to construct a wall of hostility between government and the concept of religious belief itself.

The evidence of this permeates our history and our government. The Declaration of Independence mentions the Supreme Being no less than four times. "In God We Trust" is engraved on our coinage. The Supreme Court opens its proceedings with a religious invocation. And the members of Congress open their sessions with a prayer. I just happen to believe the schoolchildren of the United States are entitled to the same privileges as Supreme Court Justices and Congressmen.

Last year, I sent the Congress a constitutional amendment to restore prayer to public schools. Already this session, there's growing bipartisan support for the amendment, and I am calling on the Congress to act speedily to pass it and to let our children pray.

Perhaps some of you read recently about the Lubbock school case, where a judge actually ruled that it was unconstitutional for a school district to give equal treatment to religious and nonreligious student groups, even when the group meetings were being held during the students' own time. The First Amendment never intended to require government to discriminate against religious speech.

Senators Denton and Hatfield have proposed legislation in the Congress on the whole question of prohibiting discrimination against religious forms of student speech. Such legislation could go far to restore freedom of religious speech for public school students. And I hope the Congress considers these bills quickly. And with your help, I think it's possible we could also get the constitutional amendment through the Congress this year.

More than a decade ago, a Supreme Court decision literally wiped off the books of 50 States statutes protecting the rights of unborn children. Abortion on demand now takes the lives of up to one and a half million unborn children a year. Human life legislation ending this tragedy will some day pass the Congress, and you and I must never rest until it does. Unless and until it can be proven that the unborn child is not a living entity, then its right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness must be protected.

You may remember that when abortion on demand began, many, and, indeed, I'm sure many of you, warned that the practice would lead to a decline in respect for human life, that the philosophical premises used to justify abortion on demand would ultimately be used to justify other attacks on the sacredness of human life -- infanticide or mercy killing. Tragically enough, those warnings proved all too true. Only last year a court permitted the death by starvation of a handicapped infant.

I have directed the Health and Human Services Department to make clear to every health care facility in the United States that the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 protects all handicapped persons against discrimination based on handicaps, including infants. And we have taken the further step of requiring that each and every recipient of Federal funds who provides health care services to infants must post and keep posted in a conspicuous place a notice stating that "discriminatory failure to feed and care for handicapped infants in this facility is prohibited by Federal law." It also lists a 24-hour, toll-free number so that nurses and others may report violations in time to save the infant's life.

In addition, recent legislation introduced in the Congress by Representative Henry Hyde of Illinois not only increases restrictions on publicly financed abortions, it also addresses this whole problem of infanticide. I urge the Congress to begin hearings and to adopt legislation that will protect the right of life to all children, including the disabled or handicapped.

Now, I'm sure that you must get discouraged at times, but you've done better than you know, perhaps. There's a great spiritual awakening in America, a renewal of the traditional values that have been the bedrock of America's goodness and greatness.

One recent survey by a Washington-based research council concluded that Americans were far more religious than the people of other nations; 95 percent of those surveyed expressed a belief in God and a huge majority believed the Ten Commandments had real meaning in their lives. And another study has found that an overwhelming majority of Americans disapprove of adultery, teenage sex, pornography, abortion, and hard drugs. And this same study showed a deep reverence for the importance of family ties and religious belief.

I think the items that we've discussed here today must be a key part of the Nation's political agenda. For the first time the Congress is openly and seriously debating and dealing with the prayer and abortion issues -- and that's enormous progress right there. I repeat: America is in the midst of a spiritual awakening and a moral renewal. And with your Biblical keynote, I say today, "Yes, let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream.

"Now, obviously, much of this new political and social consensus I've talked about is based on a positive view of American history, one that takes pride in our country's accomplishments and record. But we must never forget that no government schemes are going to perfect man. We know that living in this world means dealing with what philosophers would call the phenomenology of evil or, as theologians would put it, the doctrine of sin.

There is sin and evil in the world, and we're enjoined by Scripture and the Lord Jesus to oppose it with all our might. Our nation, too, has a legacy of evil with which it must deal. The glory of this land has been its capacity for transcending the moral evils of our past. For example, the long struggle of minority citizens for equal rights, once a source of disunity and civil war, is now a point of pride for all Americans. We must never go back. There is no room for racism, anti-Semitism, or other forms of ethnic and racial hatred in this country.

I know that you've been horrified, as have I, by the resurgence of some hate groups preaching bigotry and prejudice. Use the mighty voice of your pulpits and the powerful standing of your churches to denounce and isolate these hate groups in our midst. The commandment given us is clear and simple: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."But whatever sad episodes exist in our past, any objective observer must hold a positive view of American history, a history that has been the story of hopes fulfilled and dreams made into reality. Especially in this century, America has kept alight the torch of freedom, but not just for ourselves but for millions of others around the world.

And this brings me to my final point today. During my first press conference as President, in answer to a direct question, I pointed out that, as good Marxist-Leninists, the Soviet leaders have openly and publicly declared that the only morality they recognize is that which will further their cause, which is world revolution. I think I should point out I was only quoting Lenin, their guiding spirit, who said in 1920 that they repudiate all morality that proceeds from supernatural ideas -- that's their name for religion -- or ideas that are outside class conceptions. Morality is entirely subordinate to the interests of class war. And everything is moral that is necessary for the annihilation of the old, exploiting social order and for uniting the proletariat.

Well, I think the refusal of many influential people to accept this elementary fact of Soviet doctrine illustrates an historical reluctance to see totalitarian powers for what they are. We saw this phenomenon in the 1930's. We see it too often today.This doesn't mean we should isolate ourselves and refuse to seek an understanding with them. I intend to do everything I can to persuade them of our peaceful intent, to remind them that it was the West that refused to use its nuclear monopoly in the forties and fifties for territorial gain and which now proposes 50-percent cut in strategic ballistic missiles and the elimination of an entire class of land-based, intermediate-range nuclear missiles.

At the same time, however, they must be made to understand we will never compromise our principles and standards. We will never give away our freedom. We will never abandon our belief in God. And we will never stop searching for a genuine peace. But we can assure none of these things America stands for through the so-called nuclear freeze solutions proposed by some.

The truth is that a freeze now would be a very dangerous fraud, for that is merely the illusion of peace. The reality is that we must find peace through strength.

I would agree to a freeze if only we could freeze the Soviets' global desires. A freeze at current levels of weapons would remove any incentive for the Soviets to negotiate seriously in Geneva and virtually end our chances to achieve the major arms reductions which we have proposed. Instead, they would achieve their objectives through the freeze.

A freeze would reward the Soviet Union for its enormous and unparalleled military buildup. It would prevent the essential and long overdue modernization of United States and allied defenses and would leave our aging forces increasingly vulnerable. And an honest freeze would require extensive prior negotiations on the systems and numbers to be limited and on the measures to ensure effective verification and compliance. And the kind of a freeze that has been suggested would be virtually impossible to verify. Such a major effort would divert us completely from our current negotiations on achieving substantial reductions.

A number of years ago, I heard a young father, a very prominent young man in the entertainment world, addressing a tremendous gathering in California. It was during the time of the Cold War, and communism and our own way of life were very much on people's minds. And he was speaking to that subject. And suddenly, though, I heard him saying, "I love my little girls more than anything -- -- "And I said to myself, "Oh, no, don't. You can't -- don't say that."

But I had underestimated him. He went on: "I would rather see my little girls die now, still believing in God, than have them grow up under communism and one day die no longer believing in God."

There were thousands of young people in that audience. They came to their feet with shouts of joy. They had instantly recognized the profound truth in what he had said, with regard to the physical and the soul and what was truly important.

Yes, let us pray for the salvation of all of those who live in that totalitarian darkness -- pray they will discover the joy of knowing God. But until they do, let us be aware that while they preach the supremacy of the state, declare its omnipotence over individual man, and predict its eventual domination of all peoples on the Earth, they are the focus of evil in the modern world.

It was C.S. Lewis who, in his unforgettable "Screwtape Letters," wrote: "The greatest evil is not done now in those sordid 'dens of crime' that Dickens loved to paint. It is not even done in concentration camps and labor camps. In those we see its final result. But it is conceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried and minuted) in clear, carpeted, warmed, and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to raise their voice."

Well, because these "quiet men" do not "raise their voices"; because they sometimes speak in soothing tones of brotherhood and peace; because, like other dictators before them, they're always making "their final territorial demand," some would have us accept them at their word and accommodate ourselves to their aggressive impulses. But if history teaches anything, it teaches that simple-minded appeasement or wishful thinking about our adversaries is folly. It means the betrayal of our past, the squandering of our freedom.

So, I urge you to speak out against those who would place the United States in a position of military and moral inferiority. You know, I've always believed that old Screwtape reserved his best efforts for those of you in the church. So, in your discussions of the nuclear freeze proposals, I urge you to beware the temptation of pride -- the temptation of blithely declaring yourselves above it all and label both sides equally at fault, to ignore the facts of history and the aggressive impulses of an evil empire, to simply call the arms race a giant misunderstanding and thereby remove yourself from the struggle between right and wrong and good and evil.

I ask you to resist the attempts of those who would have you withhold your support for our efforts, this administration's efforts, to keep America strong and free, while we negotiate real and verifiable reductions in the world's nuclear arsenals and one day, with God's help, their total elimination.

While America's military strength is important, let me add here that I've always maintained that the struggle now going on for the world will never be decided by bombs or rockets, by armies or military might. The real crisis we face today is a spiritual one; at root, it is a test of moral will and faith.

Whittaker Chambers, the man whose own religious conversion made him a witness to one of the terrible traumas of our time, the Hiss-Chambers case, wrote that the crisis of the Western World exists to the degree in which the West is indifferent to God, the degree to which it collaborates in communism's attempt to make man stand alone without God. And then he said, for Marxism-Leninism is actually the second oldest faith, first proclaimed in the Garden of Eden with the words of temptation, "Ye shall be as gods."

The Western world can answer this challenge, he wrote, "but only provided that its faith in God and the freedom He enjoins is as great as communism's faith in Man."

I believe we shall rise to the challenge. I believe that communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written. I believe this because the source of our strength in the quest for human freedom is not material, but spiritual. And because it knows no limitation, it must terrify and ultimately triumph over those who would enslave their fellow man. For in the words of Isaiah: "He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might He increased strength But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary."

Yes, change your world. One of our Founding Fathers, Thomas Paine, said, "We have it within our power to begin the world over again." We can do it, doing together what no one church could do by itself.

God bless you, and thank you very much.

-- President Ronald Reagan, 03/08/1983
speech delivered at the National Association of Evangelicals in Orlando, Florida