43 Presbyterians in Congress

Since I go to a Presbyterian church, I thought this was an interesting report from PC(USA) Research Services -- as posted on its Twitter account (@PCUSAResearch).

"There are 43 Presbyterians in Congress, 8% of total; by comparison, Presbyterians are only 3% of the U.S. population.
http://bit.ly/bmM3uk
about 1 hour ago via web"
http://twitter.com/PCUSAResearch/status/22632017023

Just as I've mentioned several times, it's important for a politician to be a theist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theism).

fake Christians

CNN (from all places) had an article on "fake" Christians and how we get confused who God is.

Author: More teens becoming 'fake' Christians
"[Kenda Creasy Dean, United Methodist Church minister,] says more American teenagers are embracing what she calls 'moralistic therapeutic deism.' Translation: It's a watered-down faith that portrays God as a "divine therapist" whose chief goal is to boost people's self-esteem."
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/27/almost.christian/index.html

This article emphasizes that parents are responsible for teaching their children who God is -- in other words what we as Christians believe and why. The lack of this teaching can lead teenagers to have the wrong concept of the God and the Church. Hence some teenagers fall into a watered-down version of Christianity (Catholic or Protestant).

"The study included Christians of all stripes -- from Catholics to Protestants of both conservative and liberal denominations. Though three out of four American teenagers claim to be Christian, fewer than half practice their faith, only half deem it important, and most can't talk coherently about their beliefs, the study found.
Many teenagers thought that God simply wanted them to feel good and do good -- what the study's researchers called 'moralistic therapeutic deism.'"
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/27/almost.christian/index.html

This makes sense since we as parents must teach our children values, morals, norms (ideology accepted in a society), freedom to question authority and society (especially) and most importantly our faith in God.

2012

The Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/2012.

2012 phenomenon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_phenomenon

There's a sun storm forecast for 2012.

Massive solar storm to hit Earth in 2012 with 'force of 100m bombs'
http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20100826/981/tsc-massive-solar-storm-to-hit-earth-in_1.html

Many believe that in 2012 the world (or human life at least) will finally end. In the next two years, we'll hear a lot about the end of the world, hell, doom, damnation, the devil, the mark of the beast, 666, the Rapture, Heaven and most likely everything from the Book of Revelations. In all, are we ready to be dead, reborn, saved, rewarded or cast to hell?

quarreling siblings, just what I had proposed last week

just what I had proposed last week...

"What would be interesting is having a religious complex with a mosque, a synagogue and a church in the same building."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/quarreling-siblings.html

now on Fox News, the same idea (really cool)...

NYC community board head wants interfaith center to be part of proposed mosque project
"NEW YORK -- The chairwoman of the community board that voted for a proposal to put a mosque near ground zero says an interfaith center should be added."
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/08/30/nyc-community-board-head-wants-interfaith-center-proposed-mosque-project/

the on-line church: the Cyber Christ

Considering that a church is a congregation (a group of believers, commonly referring Christians), a church doesn't need a building or physical location. Understanding the latter, the concept of an "on-line church" may exist. Of course, understanding the idea that this "church" is in cyberspace (internet, in the web, merely housed in a server somewhere) and built with bits and bytes is a difficult concept to accept.

Does this mean that we could pray to God while visiting a web server? Yes, as a matter of fact, we can and should pray anywhere.

Does this mean that we could be part of a congregation? Yes, we don't need to see a person's face to look into his/her soul.

Now does mean that a pastor would deliver a sermon? Yes, of course, we're all ministers of faith. We can deliver a sermon although a "real" pastor would do a much better job.

Could a pastor deliver pastoral care? Yes, the job of a pastor never ends. A good number of pastors nowadays have email accounts and can reach anyone anywhere at any time.

Considering and/or understanding all this, the website of any "real" church is an extension of that church and faith. Anyone can be part of that "real" church going to that church website and listening to recordings of the sermons (something many churches do nowadays).

By taking this same concept backwards, a church website (an on-line) church may exist although it lacks a building where the congregation could meet and pray in person. Look at the list of some on-line churches below.

LifeChurch.tv
http://www.lifechurch.tv/

Church of Fools (Methodist Church)
http://www.churchoffools.com/

Cyber-Church
http://www.cyber-church.com/

quarreling siblings, revisited again

Maybe the opinion of the Mayor of NYC makes sense after all. By the way, I voted for him.

finding happiness at the bottom of a bottle of vodka & rum

I used to drink heavily. My favorite mix was white vodka and white rum. I never paid attention to chemistry of either and any possible chemical reaction, but it tasted great with Coke and ice.

Anyway that was my happiness while in high school and by the age of 22 I'd quit drinking (sober once again). The fear of becoming a common alcoholic stopped me. Maybe God was there helping me, but back then that idea never occurred to me. What's important isn't the possibility of a divine intervention, but rather my fear saving me, at least this time around.

Nowadays, over twenty years later, I can find some level of happiness and shelter in church.

dating & marrying a "true" Christian

Should a "true" Christian date a non-believer? Should a "true" Christian date another "true" Christian -- especially from the same church? These are two topics that I found in Your Tango -- a website dedicated to love and sex from the point of view of the female species (private joke). I can't believe this site covered such a taboo topic -- religion.

Can A Non-Believer Date A Practicing Christian?
http://www.yourtango.com/201078975/non-believer-date-practicing-christian

11 Reasons To Date A Church-Going Guy
http://www.yourtango.com/200943779/reasons-date-church-going-guy

On the topic of a "true" (practicing, as the website mentions) Christian dating and/or marrying a non-believer, this sounds like a formula for disaster and divorce. A person should date and/or marry a fellow church-goer. This means that they both for the most part share a common faith, religious ideology, social behavior and so on. It's important to have core values like religion that can and hopefully should strengthen a relationship.

time to forget... what if my whole life were merely a dream?

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-if-my-whole-life-were-merely-dream.html), I have trouble separating memories from fantasy. I realize that sometimes I seem to want to forget or simply act as if something never happened. This is when and where either self denial or simple confusion kicks in. I doubt myself at times especially understanding how memories are stored, accessed and how they can easily be corrupted.

Then again many things remain surreal in my mind. Hence which are true, false memories and those I'm simply trying to ignore?

quarreling siblings, revisited

By the way, in response to my previous entry (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/quarreling-siblings.html), The Axis of Evil Middle East Comedy Tour (http://www.axisofevilcomedy.com/) is one of the best favorite comedy shows that I've watched in a long time.

quarreling siblings

The whole religious stance of Jews and Christians against Muslims -- at the same time Muslims against the world -- is stupid. After all, these three faiths come from Abraham (a common beginning).

Jews and Christians have gotten along as these two groups have much in common. As a matter of fact Christianity is based on Judaism. Surprisingly Jews and Muslims have not although Judaism is the faith on which Islam is also based. It's basically like three siblings fighting each other or actually two against one -- as if my two sisters, my brother and I quarreled and get in groups to quarrel the other(s).

The problem in all three groups is the fundamentalist idiots who hate and kill using the name of religion as a shield of sorts. As the saying goes, a bad apple spoils the whole bunch. The view of one of these groups becomes negative in the eyes of the others especially since fundamentalists are loud enough to cause the most damage. Abraham would or could be fuming in anger at this point.

"When we Christians behave badly, or fail to behave well, we are making Christianity unbelievable to the outside world." - CS Lewis
8:38 AM Aug 23rd via web
https://twitter.com/CSLewisDaily/status/21910343402

Said all this, should a mosque be built near the World Trade Center (WTC) in NYC? Yes, a temple (not a complex) would be a good idea. As a matter of fact, a synagogue and a church should also be in the area. What would be interesting is having a religious complex with a mosque, a synagogue and a church in the same building. Of course, at that point the question and fight would be which temple takes the first floor or the area of the first floor each could take. As most siblings, there's a degree of jealousy and stupidity pulling them apart and close at the same time even in a city like New York.



Has anyone really stopped to think what God thinks of this whole quarrel?

invisible, magical man in the skies

For many, God (the concept of the Godhead) is merely an invisible and magical man in the skies.

The idea of sky comes from the three-tier ideology of the nature of earth with God residing in the skies (Heaven) while the demons living in the center of earth (hell) and humans merely inhabiting the face of earth. At the same time, the idea of God being invisible and magical is merely the limitation of our human understanding as we try to personify God to understand him. We commonly fail to see God in nature, the ground we walk on, the skies, the seas, the cosmos, other worlds, all known, all unknown and creation as a whole (Lectio Divina). Alas he's all around us -- hence in all places at the same time, looking after us all the time, knowing it all at all times (omnipotent, omniscient).

In any case, I do worship and have faith on this invisible and magical man in the skies -- as irrational as it may seem, beyond human understanding.

tough sale, mean business

We buy religion from church and then sell it to others. Second-hand religion is a tough (at times, mean) business.

It's toughest when selling faith with fire and brimstone -- emphasizing on the fires and horrors of hell. Yet many sell and others happily buy it this way. I can't understand why anyone would buy and sell his/her faith using fear as its currency.

Since figurative language might not be easily understood by some. We learn about God in church (building and/or congregation) and then teach it to others (usually one's children). The question now is why we learn about God to propagate our new-found faith whichever way we do.

Being negative about life to sell religion is like calling someone a stupid idiot, yet asking him/her to succeed in life. A negative doesn't bring a positive (-n != +n) and it's not absolute (-n != |n|).

One should be positive about religion (the Kingdom of God) and promote this positive aspect (the Glory of God) to others. One shouldn't run from the devil and ask God to rescue us. One should run to God and ask him welcome us.

Mahjong

I finally decided to pay for a game that I truly like for my BlackBerry. I bought Aces Mahjong (http://www.concretesoftware.com/blackberry/mahjong.shtml), a version of my favorite game.

I've played this game on MS Windows (http://www.microsoft.com/windows/) under the name Taipei and then a port of the Kubuntu version, Kutuntu (http://www.kubuntu.org/), Ubuntu (http://www.ubuntu.com/) and a variety of phones and/or hand-held devices. I'm so addicted (for a lack of a better word) to this game. Hopefully I'll find time to write again.

foreign TV & music

In the past several years, my liking of British drama and comedies has increased. It turns out that lots of the shows I grew up with are British (Doctor Who, The Avengers, The Saint, etc) -- not American I thought then.

I've always listened to American rock & roll like KISS and The Ramones, but lots of my favorite material is also from other lands like Led Zeppelin, Judas Priest, The Clash, Motorhead and Black Sabbath from UK; Rammstein and Wumpscut from Germany; Blood from Spain; AC/DC from Australia; U2 from Ireland.

the little monkey

With the health issues that my nine-year-old has, I often forget about my other boys (2 & 18), especially my two-year-old. My youngest (my little monkey) seems healthy enough, but as of late he seems to show the same characteristics that my nine-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) had at the age of two.

I'm worried for my youngest two boys. It's hard enough to care for my second child as it is and having my youngest go through the same nightmare would just be much more heartbreaking (if not finish killing me once and for all). Could life be so cruel that my two youngest boys are indeed sick?

As I usually say, everyone has a cross to bear and mine is my children's health. What worries most is who'll take care of them when I die. I've got faith that God will some day heal my nine-year-old. I only have my faith right now, all that's left with my sanity long time gone.

tendinitis, pt. 2

So I hurt the one or more front tendons of my hand several weeks ago. Well today I almost fell climbing the stairs in the Times Square subway station. I grabbed the handrail hard to break the fall and ended pulling the tendon again. Needless to say it hurts like hell once again ($h**)! I guess I'll have to wear the splinter longer than I though (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tendinitis.html).

outside society

As a human I think too much about everything around me. I constantly feel like an observer, an outsider. My mind shifts from society, its norms and its folklore to the individual's myths, beliefs and religion. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of learning and acquiring wisdom.

I'm just outside society and the "common" social or individualistic life. I observe others all the time especially when I've got nothing to do. I see groups of individuals (considering that humans love to group people and things to understand them).

1. Many are simply worried about their work, reading and/or answering emails, making sure their suits are perfect and perhaps forgetting how to live.

2. Some study to know more either for money or knowledge. This includes those "intellectuals" who read War and Peace on their time off (nothing wrong with reading great literature, of course, especially Tolstoy; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Tolstoy) to simply show off.

3. Some don't seem to care about anything at all, but themselves (pretty faces and/or bodies, expensive clothes, latest mobile phone, etc).

4. Some just seem to live in fear for whatever wicked reason. They dwell in silence and pain -- almost in a state of paranoia.

5. Some read religious material like devotionals and even the Bible itself.

These individuals seem to fit in one or more groups at one or another. Nonetheless our society seems to have five gods -- work/money, knowledge, self, fear and The Lord.

I don't know which of these (other than the third) is correct. I wish I could the say the fifth, but I'd be a hypocrite. I've been part of all these groups (except the third) at some point or another. Then again, out shame or obligation, I want it to be the fifth. Hence most of the material of this blog I've written while riding the subway or bus.

In this city, we're too careful (fear) and keep to ourselves (privacy). We all worry about holding on to jobs and/or have some type of monetary income to pay rent and have something to eat. Therefore religion at times plays little importance.

no idea what to do

One thing that truly drives me crazy about having attention deficit disorder (ADD) is getting bored much too easily. Sometimes I spend hours trying to find out what to do. For example, deciding what to have for lunch can take my full lunch hour, in which I'd rather bring something from home. Hence I often do things impulsively (first thing that pops in my mind) to avoid thinking -- the excessive thinking.

Music does stop me from thinking uncontrollably as I can analyze the music, lyrics and the art in such. I always (99.8% of the time) have music on even when I'm reading just to block out the outside world. Unfortunately this morning the battery of my MP3 player has no charge.

As I'm writing this entry, I need to concentrate in order not to let my mind wander. Too many ideas flood my mind that I can't develop at least one single constant idea properly. I can't even play Klondike (Solitaire) to kill time during my 45-minute subway commute (close to two hours by bus) since I'm distracted. I don't feel like writing (poetry, prose or other material) or reading an ebook or two. I don't feel like writing anything spiritual (Christian). Hence I'm here merely putting my random ideas down, typing them on my BlackBerry as I look around observing the behavior of strangers in the train bound by the ties of norms and society.

movies... not Christian, but good ones

Thinking of some of the movies that I've watched through out the years, I've watched lots have been non-artistic movies (easy-money/blockbuster, sex, violence, explosions, Japanese gore, etc). I must admit that I don't watch Christian films, but at least I've watched some good movies through out the years.

While I was in high school, I loved The Untouchables (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094226/). I don't know how many times I've watched this movie.

I watched Cyrano de Bergerac (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099334/) in French. It was fun watching it and forgetting at times that I don't understand French fully. Now and then I had to look at the sub-titles. Nonetheless it was a great movie.

I also enjoyed Bram Stoker's Dracula (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103874/) with Winona Ryder -- one of my favorite actors of the late 1980's. It was a classical, romantic and horror film that I've watched several times.

Another film that I've liked in the past couple of weeks has been Hamlet (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1449175/) with David Tennant (Doctor Who #10) as Hamlet and Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: The Next Generation) as Claudius. Although I've never been a fan of Shakespeare, I loved this production with two of my favorite classically-trained science fiction British actors.

what if my whole life were merely a dream?

Did the dream I had two nights ago that I remember vividly really happened? Why is it that I can think, understand and even question the events that I lived in that dream? Was I in real trouble? As soon as I woke up yesterday morning, I started looking for things like documents and other papers that I saw in this dream. Of course, I found nothing since it was a dream after all.

Sometimes I can't separate what I've lived (real memories, past experiences) from what I've dreamed at night (false and/or implanted memories, fantasy). At most, this affects about 5% of my memories.

Maybe this is the secondary effect of the medications that I've taken for the past four years to tame the demons in my head. Maybe I'm simply losing my mind. Maybe my whole life's merely a dream and I haven't woken up.

Nonetheless I need to know what's real and what's not, what's true and what's not. At that point, I'd normally rely on the experience of others. If they remember some specific experience, then I must be true. I also rely on pictures, my writings or audio/video recordings of any of these memories. Perhaps the latter is why I like having a camera with me at all times to take pictures or videos -- regardless of quality -- of the events in my life. Of course, if an event is too important, I prefer having my semi-professional equipment.

walking by a Lutheran church

From the different denominations, I'm curious about the Lutheran Church. From what I've seen and read, it looks similar to the Presbyterian Church that I go to. This morning I was curious as I walked by the Lutheran church in the neighborhood where I live. I didn't go in since its service starts at 9:30am and I was going to the 10:00am service considering the 30- to 45-minutes bus ride. Said all this, it's not like I'd end up going to a Lutheran church -- after being raised Catholic and now going to a Presbyterian church -- since I'm comfortable where I'm at.

the interview

I often feel anxious when waiting, but I didn't the first days after getting the notice of the interview at another location of the same local government agency where I've worked for almost seven years (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/100th-week.html).

On Tuesday late in the afternoon, I started feeling a slight level of anxiety. Then again I do have the time and years of experience for a promotion. I feel that I deserve a higher paid title.

On Wednesday afternoon, I had the interview for this new position and title -- after a little over a two-hour wait. Unfortunately I don't think I'd get the position since I need more experience in database administration. Nonetheless I felt comfortable (no anxiety) talking to the two people doing the interview as I tried to sell myself for the position. I was honest about my abilities and experience. Hence I was satisfied with whatever outcome from this interview.

Of course, I won't rule out a favorable outcome.

gay marriage

This is one of topics that I've tried to avoid for a long while. Anyway, what's marriage? (1) Marriage from a religious point of view is the UNION of a man and a woman before God. (2) From a legal stand point, marriage is a CIVIL CONTRACT between a man and a woman for purposes of rights, inheritance, protection of minors (children born or adopted within the marriage) and so on. Further more, what does the qualifier (adjective) gay mean? One definition is being happy, but in this case we refer to homosexuality. In other words, we refer to the UNION of two men or two women before God and the CIVIL CONTRACT between two men or two women.

Do I condemn homosexuality as a practice, feeling or attraction between to persons of the same sex? No, I don't and can't. Only God can condemn.

Do gays have the right to live freely and co-inhabit with whomever they want? Of course, they do. Everyone has the right to love and be loved.

Said all this, do I agree with gay marriage? No, I don't. I especially disagree with their "right" of having or adopting a child. Maybe I'm too selfishly conservative to give gays the right to marry -- to proclaim their unity before God and the civil contract. At the same time I have the perfect scapegoat -- religion. I was brought up rejecting homosexuality. As much as I've tried to be open-minded, I still feel uncomfortable around gay men -- the eternal idea and fear of molestation and sexual abuse of minors.

I have friends who support gay marriage and whose over all political ideologies are WRONG (different than mine). These friends will hate me for expressing myself so openly. Then again, politics and religion are two taboo topics -- especially if mixed.

I know I should keep my mind off politics and concentrate in religion -- hence the material that I've been writing on this blog. Nonetheless I find it disturbing that a openly-gay federal judge overturned Proposition 8 (http://www.whatisprop8.com/) -- the decision that about seven million voters in California made to ban gay marriage (08/04/2010). The very next day Elena Kagan -- a person who has avoided the question about being gay -- was confirmed as a new justice (05/05/2010). Now there are talks that this Proposition 8 might go to the supreme court. This means that gay marriage now depends on the decision of nice people (justices) who may over ride seven million voters at their selfish, stupid and biased discretion. If this new justice is gay, she might influence the decision.

It seems to be a personal and/or political agenda to force the nation to accept gay marriage.

It seems that this nation will once again go against its core values and accept another stupidity as a norm.

So it seems that the end of this Christian nation is only a matter of time.

wasted & godless, vices vs faith

During high school I drank every weekend (Friday night to Sunday morning; at times from Thursday night). Back then I was wasted and godless. Anyway I quit heavy drinking during my first or second year of college.

Vices are hard to quit regardless how much faith one might truly have (not say or think to have). Said this, I admit to have various vices -- no smoking, no drinking any more and never drugs -- that don't go away or that I rather haven't had the will to purge off my system.

I guess I'm no better than other Christian hypocrites, who are only "religious" on Sunday mornings. Hence I'm a sham. Now the question is if I'll always be sham. I'm working hard not to be a farce.

100th week

Yesterday was the 100th Sunday going to church. I guess it was something to celebrate about. I'm proud and happy for myself.

As a matter of fact, I can't stop thinking the Lord has given me a gift for at least trying to be a good Christian for the past 100 weeks. I truly feel blessed right now -- not merely for having the possibility to bring my son (9) to health. Surprisingly enough, this past Saturday I received a letter for an opportunity for a promotion at work (new title, more money, etc). Now I've got to see if I can score that job or title (money).

tendinitis

So what happens when a wrist's twisted with lots of pressure without breaking or chipping a bone? You might end up with an inflammation of a tendon or group of with swelling and pain (tendinitis; http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001229.htm).

Well that's what I got right now. It hurts like hell in all directions the tendon runs. The doctor told me to wear a brace (splinter) day and night till the pain and inflammation go away (about six weeks). At least, I didn't break or chip a bone.

sky walking with God

One of favorite movie sagas growing up was Star Wars (New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back & Return of The Jedi). In these movies, there's a close relation between what we understand as religion and The Force.

The concept that The Force is the combined force of all living creatures is similar to the belief in Krishna and Lectio Divina. In Star Wars, this same combined force has a dark (evil) side.

Darth Vader -- my favorite character -- is the representation of evil second only to the Emperor (what we could see as the devil). There's no one-character representation of good, God or heaven. The aspect of good is represented by the Jedi Order (sort of guardian angels with light sabers), in which Luke Skywalker is the main figure. In such scenario, Yoda could be seen as a prophet, master (not a lord) or holy man.

The whole formula of good against evil is as old as earth itself. In Star Wars, the Old Republic (good) protects itself from the Empire (evil). In real life, God protects us from the devil (sin and evil).

In the end of the Star Wars, the Emperor is destroyed and Darth Vader repents from his wrongdoings. Continuing my analogy, God will defeat or has defeated the devil. At the same time, evil the worse of sinners can become good and inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.

on-line, on-line, on-line...

I love on-line resources -- whatever the topic. Since I here write about religion, I'd limit myself to Christian on-line resources.

One of my favorite sites is ibiblio (http://www.ibiblio.org/). This site has a great collection of religious books (http://www.ibiblio.org/collection/collection.php?primary=4), which don't only cover Christianity (http://www.ibiblio.org/collection/collection.php?second=7).

In Twitter, I found the page for Abort 73 (http://twitter.com/abort73), which is a Christian site against abortion (http://www.abort73.com/). This site asks pastors to include the topic of abortion in their studies and/or sermons (http://www.abort73.com/attn_student_pastors/).

I also made a list in my Twitter account for Christian pages (http://twitter.com/project05952381/christianity). This by no means is something set on stone, but rather what I've found as useful (ChristianNewsUpdates, http://twitter.com/Christ_News) or funny at times (The PresbyCat, http://twitter.com/ThePresbyCat). My list may merely be a recommendation to anyone interested.

Needless to say, Facebook has lots of pages for Christian sites, organizations, churches, ministries and so on. From these pages, I'd recommend the page for the FAPC Outreach Ministry (http://www.facebook.com/FAPCOutreach), which I helped with and has made an impact in my life.

Of course, there are also Christian sites like CBN (http://www.cbn.com/) and Bible Gateway (http://www.biblegateway.com/), which don't need heavy promotion from social networks to have heavy traffic. At the same time, non-Christian sites are also very useful like Krishna (http://www.krishna.com/) that I like.

As a disclaimer, I must emphasize that I don't endorse or get paid for promoting any site that I mention in this blog and/or any other article that I may write. I'm also not responsible for any content on any of these websites. Said all this, I can and will delete any information and/or links that fails to comply with my opinion or terms of use by Blogger.

august in my mind

The month of August is somewhat of a special month to me. My maternal grandfather died on August 28th (1976 according to my mom). I still remember him and still miss him dearly. I remember as a child crying every time I'd pass by the hospital where he died. In my head, that hospital was responsible for my grandfather's death. As I grew older, I still feel uncomfortable being by that hospital, but at least I don't blame that place.

If my grandfather were still alive, he'd be 108. Of course, humans are too fragile to outlive a century.

Anyway may you have a good day, grandpa.

from the Moon to God

This is a little something that I stole from my friend Moon. I hope she doesn't get upset.

"Aaaain't nooobooody, love me like Jesus! Ain't nobody, love me like the Lord, HEY NOW!!!"

I guess she couldn't have said it better. Now can anyone tell me why she and the rest of our friends sing every time they go on a mission trip (Guatemala 2010)?

me, an organ donor

When I went to the DMV (http://www.nydmv.state.ny.us/) to get a state identification card, I signed up as an organ donor. I even received in the mail a letter from the DOH (http://www.health.state.ny.us/) thanking me for my decision.

What's the big deal? After all, once I die, I won't need my body. It can be butchered for spare parts (any good organs that can be recycled). What remains of my body should then be cremated (870-980°C or 1598-1796°F to destroy all tissue). At that point, my ashes could be thrown into the wind or used to pollute the sea -- whatever my oldest child decides.

I understand that some religious beliefs don't accept this practice, but this is a decision that I made decades ago -- perhaps when I was a little kid. My religious beliefs have never affected this decision and I wouldn't want any religious beliefs to influence this decision.

At the end of the day, we're dust from dust and someone could use some of my dust. At least at that point, I'd have been useful for something other than my selfish will.

another day, another night

I guess I'm either lazy or depressed (diagnosed with manic depression, now referred to as bipolar disorder). I don't want to do anything -- other than listening to music, being alone and thinking -- not even watching movies.

This isn't normal (relative to a norm, as accepted by a society). There's something wrong with or in me (other than medical condition, of course), but what can I blame for it, this time around? There should be some honest answer for my own question, but I don't know what to say. Of course, I can always say that the medications I take make me drowsy all day, which would be partially true -- yet not the real truth.

For the time being, I'll continue listening to songs of love and pain from The Murder City Devils (http://www.themurdercitydevils.com/).

changes

The word "change" can mean many things. For some, it might be the a transition or alteration (noun, transitive verb). For those of us who like good music, it might simply be the David Bowie (http://www.davidbowie.com/) song. For a person with a mental disorder, it means chaos brought by the unknown or difference of a specific order/pattern especially asymmetry.



I suffer every time there's a change of those things that I SHOULD OR WANT TO HAVE CONTROL OVER. It's hard to allow someone or something take charge of these things and/or conditions.

Maybe this is why religion's important for an individual with a mental disorder for its predetermined order. Even its chaos is controlled in some church environments, like laughing and applauding. It's especially important for me to follow a set order of worship -- as long as I can understand what's going on. As I told my friend Neca, I like controlled chaos after going to what I considered a long and disorganized service at an exclusive church uptown (fairly closed to outsiders).

a dark and endless abyss

Sometimes faith fails on me. I know God exists, but I lose my faith. My beliefs seems to fade and my trust in God stays on hold. It might be a good thing that I can this flaw in me -- as so I've been told.

After all I now know that many so-called Christians go through the same conflict at times. It's a lack of faith, a valley, a depression, a dark and endless abyss (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-sunday-08012010.html). Now I wonder how I'm to climb from this hole and praise the Lord.

"O Lord God, we confess before you today our human frailty and lack of faith.
We acknowledge that we have listened to the siren song of the world
and put our trust in temporal things, rather than in you.
In a vain effort to provide for our own needs self-sufficiently,
we have built the house of our lives on things which do not last,
while neglecting the things of eternity!
O Lord, forgive us. Cleanse us of out sin.
And help us this day to turn our eyes toward you,
and begin laying and building upon that firm foundation,
Who will anchor and see us through both this world and the next,
the One who is our rock and salvation, Christ Jesus our Lord."
-- Prayer of Confession, FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) 07/25/2010

I now feel lonely with my troubles and heartache yet holding on to my faith of a better tomorrow. I still have to take care of my children especially my sick little boy. Lord, give me the strength to bear this pain.

another Sunday (08/01/2010)

This morning I woke up, dragged myself to the shower, got dressed, took my medications (8 capsules & pills), hugged my nine-year-old (little one sound asleep), left home half-awake, bought a toasted raisin bagel with cream cheese with a large coffee and took the Q32 for a 45-minute bus ride to church. It was another Sunday morning that I'd go to church to hear the Word of God and a good sermon that could feed my soul while hoping for that solace and shelter from and within God.

Today being Communion Sunday, we shared the feast of Christ (the sacrament of The Lord's Supper) -- a piece of stale bread of delicious life and droplets of grape juice from the cup of sweet salvation -- and hence felt a little closer to God. Faith can be so illogical that it can makes us doubt it.

Nonetheless it was merely another Sunday in church as I greeted my friends -- especially Charlene who starting today is now part of the staff at FAPC (master degree in divinity, but not yet called to be a pastor). As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith.

After service, I didn't go to coffee hour although I could've used some coffee to fully wake up. I just took the Q32 back to where I live.

Am I lying to myself? Do I have a real faith that I can hold onto (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-lack-of-faith-my-mental-disease.html)? At least, it's clearly now a roller coaster going up and down in that human mystery called faith.

Maybe the question should be how much faith I've got today or any given day. In such case, I felt empty inside this morning, but little satisfied after church.

At the end of the day, faith's simply a mental state, but does my momentary (day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute) state bring me closer to God?