Friday, December 10, 2010

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service ( One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

  1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?

  2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?

    Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.

  3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?