Monday, November 22, 2010

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."

I hope it's depression (BPD; and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.