my son's first ever seizure, constant fear

It's been about six weeks since my son had a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I still feel a high level of panic when I see ambulance close to where we live (much too often as we live by a main route to a city hospital). I immediately think that the EMT are rushing to see my son again. Needless to say (type), I'm scared that my little boy might get another seizure regardless how much so-called experts say that the seizure could've been some random one-off event (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html).

I must admit that I can no longer remember clearly all that happened that night -- the seizure, the lights from the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, staying at the hospital about four hours and getting back home in a livery car. Maybe my mind's trying to protect itself "forgetting" this experience in order to hold on to my vanishing sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-keeping-myself-busy-sane.html). In all, I don't want to go through it again though I'm stuck with the role of the strong and fearless adult during this and all emergencies. As a matter of fact, as a former member of the Red Cross and someone who wanted to be a medical doctor at some point of my life, I've always been the cold and calculating individual in case of an emergency, but in this case it was my son at risk.

Previously, the only other time that I was constantly scared of ambulances and other first rescue vehicles was right after 9/11 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-vs-paranoia.html). It took me then almost three years to put these fears away.

Said the latter, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get rid of my current fears.

my son's first ever seizure, daddy bye bye

Those seem to be the first words that my nine-year-old says for me as of late when I'm back from work. It's as if he won't let me in without having candy or chips or some other form of sweets for him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Of course, he never wants to share with his two year old brother.

my son's first ever seizure, so much to do yet nothing achieved

I've got so much to read right now (a book for a course on management in two week's time; lots of material on different programming languages, frameworks and other technologies; religion; psychology and philosophy; etc), but I've got very little to no interest in reading any. I still need to organize my new apartment including a CAT-5 run from one room to another (about $15) instead of buying another 802.11 proprietary device (about $60). I could've blamed my lack of will and interest on depression, but I no longer think so. My first obligation right now is to my sick child -- a second-class human not worth bringing up to health (at least in the eyes of experts, stupid fools).

Since my nine-year old son's been sick most of his life, the attitude that I've perceived from doctors is pathetic. It seems that they prefer to as little as possible (nothing) for any child with several metabolic and nervous conditions.

My trust and faith in the medical community continues to diminish. Only one doctor's helped my son. She did more in a month than close to fifteen other "experts" in seven years, but holistic medicine (natural products like herbs) is seen as a waste of time for mainstream medics to consider. These so-called experts in medicine often come too short. I'm disgusted by modern medicine and ashamed that I considered entering the field.

Do these assholes prefer my son to suffer or worse yet die? Do they simply see my son's seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) is just taken as a secondary issue not worth worrying about or treating? All I can say is that maybe they're just too important to be bothered.

my son's first ever seizure, laughing in the face of fear, crying in the face of pain

Last night, I went to the convenience store and forgot to get my nine-year old son a bar of Hershey chocolate (as I usually do). He practically pushed me out of our apartment to get him a bar of chocolate. I got to laugh and forget my worries (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) having my own son kicking me out of my own apartment because I forgot to buy him a bar of chocolate.

Latter last night, I also saw my boy cry and in pain for no apparent reason as he was taking a shower. I was completely useless trying to help him stop feeling whatever he was going through. I could merely hold him in my arms to show that I cared and was there to protect him. All I can think of is that this might be a left-over from the seizure. I couldn't help weeping without him seeing me (an almost forty-year-old man in shameless tears, how embarrassing).

Needless to say (type), I'm scared to death. I can't sleep well as I've been waking up several times during the night to check on him. My son's seizure's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

always good to laugh

It's always good to laugh at ourselves while blaming The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/).