my son's first ever seizure, maybe just fever

On Monday night (well actually early in the morning, about 2:30pm), parts of my nine-year-old son's upper body kept contracting while he was sleeping as slight muscle reflexes or spasms. His body temperature was fairly high (fever), but he wasn't sweating. It could've merely been an allergic reaction to eating some Italian bread made from wheat (mere wishful thinking) or to some bug that he could've caught in the hospital (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-day-of-eeg.html). In either case, I'm worried and close to falling into another rut of depression.

To avoid further surprises, I had my son stay home for the past two days (not that he'd put a fight for missing school). Yesterday morning, he was in bed doing nothing (much too odd for such a hyperactive child), with the TV on but rather just looking out the window. This latter behavior's similar to what he experienced right after his first seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I just can't tell if he suffered another seizure, due to my lack of experience in this field, but I truly hope not. Last night, he still had a fever, but it'd dissipated considerably by early this morning.

My youngest child (2) started with a similar reaction (fever) last night. Maybe my boys did catch some bug with a 48-hour incubation period somewhere.

Needless to say (type), I've just gone through two more sleepless nights and hence running on pure adrenaline for the past two days. I'm surprised I'm not dead yet. Of course, I can't afford to die leaving my children behind. Life's a bitch and I've got no choice but to deal with it.

my first child, an adult child

My oldest son's nineteen and has finished high school. My boy's an adult now. I still remember holding him in my arms at two or three in the morning singing him a lullaby that I wrote for him.

"You don't need to cry, my baby [...]
You don't need to cry ever again,
As your daddy will take your pain away."

- all rights reserved, 1991 (edited)

Now he's an adult, a young adult, with a girlfriend and a life ahead. It just feels weird.

Having divorced my son's mother has kept him away from me. I haven't been by his side for some of his most important moments like his first words.

As much as I miss him with all my life, I admit not being the best father for him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-father-ever-me-maybe.html). As I've stated many times, I love my child and he's the only who can judge me for my faults affecting him.

yukky, yukky boogers

On a lighter note, my youngest child had the great idea of putting Play-Doh up his right nostril. Of course, he started to cry. I just covered his mouth and left nostril forcing the air in his lungs as he cried to push the Play-Doh out of his nose (same principle as blowing one's nose, using compressed air from the lungs to push mucus from the nostrils). At the same time, I was joking with him -- telling him that he had "yukky, yukky boogers" -- to make him laugh.

my son's first ever seizure, day of EEG day

As I thought, my son didn't want to cooperate with the EEG (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-health.html). We couldn't do much about it to convince him and/or control him. There's just too little that can be done to convince and/or persuade a scared child who maybe didn't quite understand what was going on.

The technician had to stop trying to put the electrodes on my son's head. She then suggested to have him sedated before the EEG (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-247.html) as originally suggested by one of the two neurologists we're working with.

It was a waste of time and now we'll just have to reschedule the EEG.

In all, I'm still jumpy and worried although less than half a month ago. Maybe I've grown used to the possibility that my child may develop more medical conditions.

The appointment for a sedated routine EEG that we originally had was canceled because the hospital didn't want sedate him for being a young child. The second appointment was supposed to include a 48-hour observation period (hospital intake), but changed to a routine EEG without sedation, which my son obviously didn't want to cooperate with. A third appointment must now be scheduled to have him sedated prior to the EEG.

rants: keeping myself busy (sane)

Although for a while I've had trouble concentrating hard enough to read the ebooks I've got (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-so-many-books-yet-nothing-i-care.html), I've been able to read the Guide to Divinity (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity) a little bit at a time.

I've also been holding whatever's left of my sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) by writing system documentation and cleaning up some code. As a matter of fact, my pet project in the past three days has been changing a website from ColdFusion (CFM) to PHP. All this work's actually for a temporary step to move the website to a new hosting company as soon as possible. Then I'll start working on the brand new site using WordPress. For me this is lots of fun although I still have about 136 bugs as I'm writing this entry. Of course, the best part is finally moving this site back to a much more reliable Unix environment.

Watching TV is another thing's that's helping me -- especially comedies like Two and Half Men (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369179/) and science fiction like Doctor Who (http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/).

my son's first ever seizure, health insurance

So yesterday's news was that the health insurance wants to pay for a regular EEG this Friday (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-counting.html) and the 48-hour intake the following Friday (with some obvious catch, as if the purpose was to deny the payment for service). This throws everything off.

my son's first ever seizure, a friend's prayer

Last night, I received an email from a dear friend of mine. I won't post my friend's name since that person knows whom I'm referring to and that's more than enough for us both.

i can't figure out how to comment on your blog... wanted to let you know i'm praying for your son.

My response was from the heart.

As cynical as I can be, I learned not to trust others. At the same time, after living with my father who is a pathological liar (to say the least; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/rants-stolen-goods-trust.html), I learned not to say anything I don't feel (different from not lying). Furthermore, as I have stated in my blog, whatever little I post on-line is not to trigger any one's pity or any other emotion (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-no-ones.html). Needless to say I do appreciate your honest words. As a matter of fact, no one else has bothered. Said all this, thank you for your words and prayers. I do appreciate them. You're a good friend and soul.

It's good to know that some people do care. Thank you my dear friend (once again, no name needed).

my son's first ever seizure, no one's bloody pity

I share and keep a record of my opinion and intimate troubles as I maintain my privacy and that of my children. I want no one's pity and/or charity. Having explained the latter, if you want to pray for my child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-counting.html), please do so as God might listen. If you think I'm whining, fuck you and stop reading this blog.

my son's first ever seizure, counting the days for the hospital intake

This Friday I'd take my nine-year-old to a hospital (twelve miles away from where we live) for an 48-hour intake as requested by the neurologist (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-next-friday.html). The doctor(s), technician(s) and/or nurse(s) will run an EEG and whatever other medical tests while keeping my boy under observation.

I don't know what to expect from and/or what to think about the hospital stay. Will this help my son or not or simply be a charade? Can this finally give us an answer what's really wrong with him and perhaps how to treat him?

Come Monday morning, everything might still be the same -- no answers, the same nightmare, the same pain and desperation. Maybe I've just lost all hope and faith. Maybe my boy will remain sick for the rest of his painful life.

All I know is that right now I'm going through a whole lot of emotions including a slight level of depression as well as some anxiety too (though heavily with the medication I take). At the same time, I'm making a list of the things we might need for the stay and it's become another big expense that I'd not considered doing.

By the way, where's God in all this (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-what-about.html)? How can I use with this thing called faith to help my son?

Regardless what the answers to all my questions might be, I'll write a log about all the events that'll happen this coming weekend.

my son's first ever seizure, next Friday

So one EEG (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-247.html) is scheduled for next Friday and Saturday -- perhaps Sunday too. Now it's merely a matter of waiting and killing time.

All I know is that he's going to be bored to death in a hospital so far from home, without a computer to play his on-line games. I bet he's going to hate me by Saturday night.

Joking aside, I honestly don't know what to expect at this point. I'm afraid that any day could be my son's last. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better for him to be in heaven than on earth suffering. Now I understand why some parents kill their beloved children -- to keep them from suffering.

My little boy doesn't care about school and only wants to play video games on-line as most children do. The big difference's been the pain due to his medical condition.

To make matters worse, after the seizure, he's become much more aggressive -- almost dangerous to his two-year-old brother. Thinking that my sick child might hurt his own baby brother kills me inside. I hate to keep them separate at times and/or under constant watch.

Why does my nine-year-old have to suffer and cry in pain and anxiety? Life's been cruel (a bitch, as the saying goes) to my son and I've got no idea where God fits in it all (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-what-about.html).

On a related note, this whole situation's taken a toll on my health. I've aged faster than I probably should've. Sometimes I feel pressure on the left side of my chest as if it was a cardiac thrombosis (heart attack), which wouldn't surprise me since heart disease runs in the family.

my son's first ever seizure, what about God?

I need answers, so many answers.

Where was God in all this (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html)?

Did he forsake my son, an innocent child born sick for miserable doctors to use as a guinea pig (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html)?

Why did he let this happen to my boy (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-month-later.html)?

Did he want to kill and/or destroy my son's mind (frying his brain), health and/or life (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html)?

Is this some sort of sick celestial punishment for my sins? If so, I should suffer alone and die for my sins instead of allowing my little boy suffer (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html).

I'm angry at God for allowing my son to suffer in pain, anxiety and fear (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Why doesn't God just kill me in exchange for my boy's life?

my son's first ever seizure, a $522 ride

Yesterday I received a bill from the EMS (FDNY) for $522 for the ambulance ride to the hospital that dreaded night (11/29/2010, http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). If we didn't have health insurance, this is how much I'd have to pay the city.

When we left the hospital that night (early morning, about two hours before dawn), we took a $10 cab ride back home. The cost comparison's incredible.

my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html), pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

my son's first ever seizure, my dying son?

As much as doctors and others tell me that my son will be fine (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html), I still feel that a part of my son died that night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). He seems to have been affected as his over all behavior's changed negatively. He's become more irritable, hyper, depressed, acting "crazy" and even dangerously reckless. I don't want him to end up taking antidepressants and/or anti-psychotics (like I do).

Maybe I'm stupidly exaggerating, but I've got a bad feeling in my mind that all these so-called experts aren't being fully honest with me. Could a next seizure or any other medical incident kill him or leave him in a comma or some other vegetative state? This isn't the type of thoughts that a parent should have. I should be worried about his grades, school and/or any troubles children are expected to do.

Needless to say (type), being so worried and afraid is taking a huge toll on my mental health falling in and out of depression (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html) or anxiety. I hope my mind's just making a sick joke on me. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I still wonder if there's anything I could do to stop my son's health from deteriorating more. If anyone cares to know, I love my son and I'm scared to death for his health, quality of life and his life in general (any possibility of death, vegetative state, etc).

For now, at least, my son might have to spend a night or two in a hospital for an EEG and whatever other test the neurologist orders. This means that I'd have to take a couple days from work and be by his side. All I know is that he'll be bored and in a rotten mood.

For some reason, I had the stupid idea of sending an email like the text above to my mother. She responded first thing this morning. One part of her email said that my son came to earth to accomplish a task -- allowing me to be a father to him. Hence if he were to die from any or all his medical condition or simply at a young age, I'd have an angel in heaven. This statement absolutely sucks!

IN ALL, I JUST HOPE I'M STUPIDLY BLOODY WRONG!

rants: money & debts

At work, I get paid every two Thursdays (direct deposit available on Friday). It's not a lot, but it's a secure job and pay. From this money I pay my bills and rent. I also try to pay medical expenses and some other needs, which means putting these expenses on my credit card. In all, I usually end with less than $100 left over from paycheck to paycheck

Having a sick child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/raising-sick-child-afraid-of-future.html) and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html).

Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.

What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

my son's first ever seizure, my son's last hours?

I'm reminded over and over that my son might die from seizures (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I already saw him practically dead (motionless, unresponsive, unconscious, vegetative, etc) that night as I held him in my arms. I hate to think that my little boy could die (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-247.html) -- worse off in such a painful manner. It hurts too much to even think about it and not knowing what I can do to help (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-eve-of.html). Maybe I just have to take each day as if it was his last and make the best of it. Whatever the case, this desperation's chocking the life out of me and destroying whatever's left of my sanity.

my son's first ever seizure, daddy bye bye

Those seem to be the first words that my nine-year-old says for me as of late when I'm back from work. It's as if he won't let me in without having candy or chips or some other form of sweets for him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Of course, he never wants to share with his two year old brother.