my son's first ever seizure, constant fear

It's been about six weeks since my son had a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I still feel a high level of panic when I see ambulance close to where we live (much too often as we live by a main route to a city hospital). I immediately think that the EMT are rushing to see my son again. Needless to say (type), I'm scared that my little boy might get another seizure regardless how much so-called experts say that the seizure could've been some random one-off event (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html).

I must admit that I can no longer remember clearly all that happened that night -- the seizure, the lights from the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, staying at the hospital about four hours and getting back home in a livery car. Maybe my mind's trying to protect itself "forgetting" this experience in order to hold on to my vanishing sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-keeping-myself-busy-sane.html). In all, I don't want to go through it again though I'm stuck with the role of the strong and fearless adult during this and all emergencies. As a matter of fact, as a former member of the Red Cross and someone who wanted to be a medical doctor at some point of my life, I've always been the cold and calculating individual in case of an emergency, but in this case it was my son at risk.

Previously, the only other time that I was constantly scared of ambulances and other first rescue vehicles was right after 9/11 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-vs-paranoia.html). It took me then almost three years to put these fears away.

Said the latter, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get rid of my current fears.

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

outside society

As a human I think too much about everything around me. I constantly feel like an observer, an outsider. My mind shifts from society, its norms and its folklore to the individual's myths, beliefs and religion. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of learning and acquiring wisdom.

I'm just outside society and the "common" social or individualistic life. I observe others all the time especially when I've got nothing to do. I see groups of individuals (considering that humans love to group people and things to understand them).

1. Many are simply worried about their work, reading and/or answering emails, making sure their suits are perfect and perhaps forgetting how to live.

2. Some study to know more either for money or knowledge. This includes those "intellectuals" who read War and Peace on their time off (nothing wrong with reading great literature, of course, especially Tolstoy; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Tolstoy) to simply show off.

3. Some don't seem to care about anything at all, but themselves (pretty faces and/or bodies, expensive clothes, latest mobile phone, etc).

4. Some just seem to live in fear for whatever wicked reason. They dwell in silence and pain -- almost in a state of paranoia.

5. Some read religious material like devotionals and even the Bible itself.

These individuals seem to fit in one or more groups at one or another. Nonetheless our society seems to have five gods -- work/money, knowledge, self, fear and The Lord.

I don't know which of these (other than the third) is correct. I wish I could the say the fifth, but I'd be a hypocrite. I've been part of all these groups (except the third) at some point or another. Then again, out shame or obligation, I want it to be the fifth. Hence most of the material of this blog I've written while riding the subway or bus.

In this city, we're too careful (fear) and keep to ourselves (privacy). We all worry about holding on to jobs and/or have some type of monetary income to pay rent and have something to eat. Therefore religion at times plays little importance.

fear vs paranoia

Taking the subway this evening, there were cops all around peeking several times into different train cars. I guess it'd be fine if one cop checked a single car. Another different thing is when various cops checked the same cars several times.

It just gave me a weird vive as if there was some secret piece of information that we -- civilians -- aren't supposed to know. It might just be the sort of the long-lasting fear that this city has had since 9/11. Is some other idiot (or group of) out there planing to hurt us?

When will humans and other humanoids learn to live in peace? There's one God, but we've given him hundreds (if not thousands) of names and decided to worship him in as many ways. God wants us to live in harmony, not at each other's throats. We -- humanoids -- may be too stupid to ever learn.