my son's first ever seizure, constant fear

It's been about six weeks since my son had a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I still feel a high level of panic when I see ambulance close to where we live (much too often as we live by a main route to a city hospital). I immediately think that the EMT are rushing to see my son again. Needless to say (type), I'm scared that my little boy might get another seizure regardless how much so-called experts say that the seizure could've been some random one-off event (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html).

I must admit that I can no longer remember clearly all that happened that night -- the seizure, the lights from the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, staying at the hospital about four hours and getting back home in a livery car. Maybe my mind's trying to protect itself "forgetting" this experience in order to hold on to my vanishing sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-keeping-myself-busy-sane.html). In all, I don't want to go through it again though I'm stuck with the role of the strong and fearless adult during this and all emergencies. As a matter of fact, as a former member of the Red Cross and someone who wanted to be a medical doctor at some point of my life, I've always been the cold and calculating individual in case of an emergency, but in this case it was my son at risk.

Previously, the only other time that I was constantly scared of ambulances and other first rescue vehicles was right after 9/11 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-vs-paranoia.html). It took me then almost three years to put these fears away.

Said the latter, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get rid of my current fears.

my son's first ever seizure, what about God?

I need answers, so many answers.

Where was God in all this (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html)?

Did he forsake my son, an innocent child born sick for miserable doctors to use as a guinea pig (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html)?

Why did he let this happen to my boy (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-month-later.html)?

Did he want to kill and/or destroy my son's mind (frying his brain), health and/or life (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html)?

Is this some sort of sick celestial punishment for my sins? If so, I should suffer alone and die for my sins instead of allowing my little boy suffer (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html).

I'm angry at God for allowing my son to suffer in pain, anxiety and fear (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Why doesn't God just kill me in exchange for my boy's life?

my son's first ever seizure, my dying son?

As much as doctors and others tell me that my son will be fine (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html), I still feel that a part of my son died that night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). He seems to have been affected as his over all behavior's changed negatively. He's become more irritable, hyper, depressed, acting "crazy" and even dangerously reckless. I don't want him to end up taking antidepressants and/or anti-psychotics (like I do).

Maybe I'm stupidly exaggerating, but I've got a bad feeling in my mind that all these so-called experts aren't being fully honest with me. Could a next seizure or any other medical incident kill him or leave him in a comma or some other vegetative state? This isn't the type of thoughts that a parent should have. I should be worried about his grades, school and/or any troubles children are expected to do.

Needless to say (type), being so worried and afraid is taking a huge toll on my mental health falling in and out of depression (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html) or anxiety. I hope my mind's just making a sick joke on me. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I still wonder if there's anything I could do to stop my son's health from deteriorating more. If anyone cares to know, I love my son and I'm scared to death for his health, quality of life and his life in general (any possibility of death, vegetative state, etc).

For now, at least, my son might have to spend a night or two in a hospital for an EEG and whatever other test the neurologist orders. This means that I'd have to take a couple days from work and be by his side. All I know is that he'll be bored and in a rotten mood.

For some reason, I had the stupid idea of sending an email like the text above to my mother. She responded first thing this morning. One part of her email said that my son came to earth to accomplish a task -- allowing me to be a father to him. Hence if he were to die from any or all his medical condition or simply at a young age, I'd have an angel in heaven. This statement absolutely sucks!

IN ALL, I JUST HOPE I'M STUPIDLY BLOODY WRONG!

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

my son's first ever seizure, my son's last hours?

I'm reminded over and over that my son might die from seizures (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I already saw him practically dead (motionless, unresponsive, unconscious, vegetative, etc) that night as I held him in my arms. I hate to think that my little boy could die (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-247.html) -- worse off in such a painful manner. It hurts too much to even think about it and not knowing what I can do to help (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-eve-of.html). Maybe I just have to take each day as if it was his last and make the best of it. Whatever the case, this desperation's chocking the life out of me and destroying whatever's left of my sanity.

my son's first ever seizure, daddy bye bye

Those seem to be the first words that my nine-year-old says for me as of late when I'm back from work. It's as if he won't let me in without having candy or chips or some other form of sweets for him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Of course, he never wants to share with his two year old brother.

my son's first ever seizure, eve of winter tears

In these cold days in the eve of winter, I've got to be careful not to think of son's health conditions. Tears freeze and mucus only becomes a mess.

What hurts most is the stupid behavior of many -- including so-called experts -- as they see my son as a second-class human not worth saving or healing (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html). This attitude's offensive to my son and it angers me, but I've got to keep my emotions and actions on check. After all, I wouldn't be able to do much from a jail cell.

my son's first ever seizure, burning adrenaline & running on empty

I haven't slept well for the past eight days or so. I keep waking up to check on my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). In the past two days, I've started feeling the effects of lack of continuous sleep (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-week-later.html). Maybe I just worry too much for nothing -- then again maybe not (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/earth-heaven.html).

my son's first ever seizure, a week later

It's been a week since my son had a seizure while sleeping (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). That night (early Monday morning) I was much too worried to be scared. After that Odyssey, I was able to be scared to death for my son's health and well being. Seeing my son practically lifeless and almost dead (vegetative state, completely unresponsive to any stimuli like being patted on his shoulder or saying his name) is one of the two worst experiences in my life so far. The whole experience of going to sleep on his bed, having a seizure two hours later without waking up (whether aware of what was going on or not), falling unconscious and then waking up in a stretcher in an ambulance on our way to a hospital is without a doubt the worst experience my little boy's ever gone through.

Although I might feel more relaxed, I'm still fairly terrified of the possibility of another seizure. I can't sleep through out the night. I keep waking up to check on him and pushing him a little to make sure when he's motionless. I'm burning adrenaline more than ever (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/restless-me-always-burning-adrenaline.html) due to my lack of sleep and rest. Needless to say (type), I don't know if I could ever get used to or accept my son having any level of epilepsy or seeing pain in his eyes.

I keep praying for my son (close to never for myself), but my prayers aren't answered. Should I even bother asking God for help and to spare my child from the suffering? It's simply the worst cross I ever had to bear.

my son's first ever seizure, so much to do yet nothing achieved

I've got so much to read right now (a book for a course on management in two week's time; lots of material on different programming languages, frameworks and other technologies; religion; psychology and philosophy; etc), but I've got very little to no interest in reading any. I still need to organize my new apartment including a CAT-5 run from one room to another (about $15) instead of buying another 802.11 proprietary device (about $60). I could've blamed my lack of will and interest on depression, but I no longer think so. My first obligation right now is to my sick child -- a second-class human not worth bringing up to health (at least in the eyes of experts, stupid fools).

Since my nine-year old son's been sick most of his life, the attitude that I've perceived from doctors is pathetic. It seems that they prefer to as little as possible (nothing) for any child with several metabolic and nervous conditions.

My trust and faith in the medical community continues to diminish. Only one doctor's helped my son. She did more in a month than close to fifteen other "experts" in seven years, but holistic medicine (natural products like herbs) is seen as a waste of time for mainstream medics to consider. These so-called experts in medicine often come too short. I'm disgusted by modern medicine and ashamed that I considered entering the field.

Do these assholes prefer my son to suffer or worse yet die? Do they simply see my son's seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) is just taken as a secondary issue not worth worrying about or treating? All I can say is that maybe they're just too important to be bothered.

my son's first ever seizure, laughing in the face of fear, crying in the face of pain

Last night, I went to the convenience store and forgot to get my nine-year old son a bar of Hershey chocolate (as I usually do). He practically pushed me out of our apartment to get him a bar of chocolate. I got to laugh and forget my worries (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) having my own son kicking me out of my own apartment because I forgot to buy him a bar of chocolate.

Latter last night, I also saw my boy cry and in pain for no apparent reason as he was taking a shower. I was completely useless trying to help him stop feeling whatever he was going through. I could merely hold him in my arms to show that I cared and was there to protect him. All I can think of is that this might be a left-over from the seizure. I couldn't help weeping without him seeing me (an almost forty-year-old man in shameless tears, how embarrassing).

Needless to say (type), I'm scared to death. I can't sleep well as I've been waking up several times during the night to check on him. My son's seizure's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

dark days, salvation

In the book "Political Ideals" by Bertrand Russell (http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4776), the author pointed out something that we know too well. When we fear, we turn to God.

"In dark days, men need a clear faith and a well-grounded hope; and as the outcome of these, the calm courage which takes no account of hardships by the way. The times through which we are passing have afforded to many of us a confirmation of our faith. We see that the things we had thought evil are really evil, and we know more definitely than we ever did before the directions in which men must move if a better world is to arise on the ruins of the one which is now hurling itself into destruction."

Of course, most of us only turn to God when we're in some sort of danger and need to be rescued. We're just selfish hypocrites.

business of religion

When did religion become a BUSINESS? There's always something religious to buy, sell and/or trade -- not only one's faith (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tough-sale-mean-business.html). Nowadays you can even buy credentials as a pastor to lead worship and to marry in some websites for about $20. This means anyone (including myself) can be "ordained" for about $20, less or FREE! With all this, how can we trust pastors and/or small churches? When did religion become a JOKE? The worst part in all this is that there are no regulations -- legal or religious (aside from withing a given denomination).

tough sale, mean business

We buy religion from church and then sell it to others. Second-hand religion is a tough (at times, mean) business.

It's toughest when selling faith with fire and brimstone -- emphasizing on the fires and horrors of hell. Yet many sell and others happily buy it this way. I can't understand why anyone would buy and sell his/her faith using fear as its currency.

Since figurative language might not be easily understood by some. We learn about God in church (building and/or congregation) and then teach it to others (usually one's children). The question now is why we learn about God to propagate our new-found faith whichever way we do.

Being negative about life to sell religion is like calling someone a stupid idiot, yet asking him/her to succeed in life. A negative doesn't bring a positive (-n != +n) and it's not absolute (-n != |n|).

One should be positive about religion (the Kingdom of God) and promote this positive aspect (the Glory of God) to others. One shouldn't run from the devil and ask God to rescue us. One should run to God and ask him welcome us.

outside society

As a human I think too much about everything around me. I constantly feel like an observer, an outsider. My mind shifts from society, its norms and its folklore to the individual's myths, beliefs and religion. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of learning and acquiring wisdom.

I'm just outside society and the "common" social or individualistic life. I observe others all the time especially when I've got nothing to do. I see groups of individuals (considering that humans love to group people and things to understand them).

1. Many are simply worried about their work, reading and/or answering emails, making sure their suits are perfect and perhaps forgetting how to live.

2. Some study to know more either for money or knowledge. This includes those "intellectuals" who read War and Peace on their time off (nothing wrong with reading great literature, of course, especially Tolstoy; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Tolstoy) to simply show off.

3. Some don't seem to care about anything at all, but themselves (pretty faces and/or bodies, expensive clothes, latest mobile phone, etc).

4. Some just seem to live in fear for whatever wicked reason. They dwell in silence and pain -- almost in a state of paranoia.

5. Some read religious material like devotionals and even the Bible itself.

These individuals seem to fit in one or more groups at one or another. Nonetheless our society seems to have five gods -- work/money, knowledge, self, fear and The Lord.

I don't know which of these (other than the third) is correct. I wish I could the say the fifth, but I'd be a hypocrite. I've been part of all these groups (except the third) at some point or another. Then again, out shame or obligation, I want it to be the fifth. Hence most of the material of this blog I've written while riding the subway or bus.

In this city, we're too careful (fear) and keep to ourselves (privacy). We all worry about holding on to jobs and/or have some type of monetary income to pay rent and have something to eat. Therefore religion at times plays little importance.

my addictive behavior

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html), I shared part of my life with a girl who had a mental and emotional condition. One reason I continued going out with her regardless of her mental condition was my need to have someone at my side. Perhaps that is the same reason why she continued coming back and holding on to the relationship for almost two years.

Fear of being alone can be addictive and self-destructing perhaps more than illegal drugs and prescription drugs. You'd continue with that person whether there's love or not, whether you're using that other person or being used. If there's no connection, a couple should break up, but as most forms of addiction it stops us from taking any reasonable decision. Hence we continue hurting ourselves regardless of the consequences including death and violence (fun sexual violence or simply physical abuse).

Perhaps this is why the lonely look for God. We all need someone at our side -- man, woman, son/daughter or one's faith. After two decades or so, I've learned that I needed to find God. Maybe I have or maybe I still need to. At this point, I'm confused (no surprise there).

fear vs paranoia

Taking the subway this evening, there were cops all around peeking several times into different train cars. I guess it'd be fine if one cop checked a single car. Another different thing is when various cops checked the same cars several times.

It just gave me a weird vive as if there was some secret piece of information that we -- civilians -- aren't supposed to know. It might just be the sort of the long-lasting fear that this city has had since 9/11. Is some other idiot (or group of) out there planing to hurt us?

When will humans and other humanoids learn to live in peace? There's one God, but we've given him hundreds (if not thousands) of names and decided to worship him in as many ways. God wants us to live in harmony, not at each other's throats. We -- humanoids -- may be too stupid to ever learn.