Tuesday, November 23, 2010

love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie

I've been a sex junkie since I was a kid, which is definitely not right. Maybe this messed me as an individual. Maybe this is the reason I can't feel love and/or loved.

My early (real or false) memories of sexual activity go back as early as five or six years of age -- being molested, nothing new or strange in this hellish world of ours. Whether coaxed or deceived, "playing" with my penis at that age was a child abuse. Surprisingly my mother knew about it till I confronted her about three or four years ago. Needless to say (write), my father doesn't know and I don't care to tell him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html).

I do remember that about that same time a cousin of mine (a year older, but shorter) and I were naked (the first girl I ever saw naked) facing each other while locked in the bathroom. In my vague recollection, I think we had some sort sex act (not sure if penetration). Of course, we've never talked about it. It'd be strange if having intercourse with cousin were my first time with a girl. Needless to say (write), I wouldn't have ruled it out and/or complain if that were the case.

A short time later, I masturbated for first time when I was nine or ten. I wasn't even sure what I was doing and I definitely didn't know that the substance coming out of me was semen, but it felt really good. Ignorance can sometimes be good after all.

About the same time, another cousin of mine (about three years older, maybe twelve at the time, also shorter) and I while visiting some relatives shared the same bed (no big deal for two small children to share a bed). I remember going to sleep with my hand in her panties while playing with her coarse pubic hair. What I can't recall is how or why I started touching her and most importantly why she let me do it. Did she get off on it? I never asked her.

I might have been too innocent, too naive or simply too stupid in my early teens. Once a girl I had just met asked me to have sex with her and took back her offer as I was shocked at her request. A short time later, my then-sort-of-girlfriend made a slight reference to having sex with her as she'd just started having ovulation cycles. Maybe I could've had sex with hundreds of girls and satisfy my animal instincts and lust, but I've never thought of it as worthwhile (no love, mere intercourse). The whole idea of getting dirty (OCD) having my penis and/or tongue inside multiple vaginas, rectums and/or mouths (clean or not) stopped me from acting on my animal instincts and needs. As an alternative, I always opted for frequent masturbation, which was much cleaner.

Years later, when I was eighteen, I know for sure that I "lost" my virginity with my ex-wife and mother of my oldest son (19).

At the end of the day, maybe this why I've got no problem with my sexuality, nudity and that of anyone else for that matter (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/nudity-damaged-by-religion.html). Most importantly, I've always been into the obscure and kinky side of sexuality. I also like feeding off conversations with my female friends as they tell me about their sexual experiences.

In all, does MY DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR make a bad person? I truly hope not.