what little faith I've got (today)...

I don't feel the same faith I had about a year ago. I've got lots of doubts about this belief system we call Christianity, its Jewish heritage and anything referred to as divine. Nonetheless I nominated myself for the position of deacon at church this past week. To my surprise, this morning someone asked me if he could nominate me too. Could it be that I'm worthy of some level of religious trust (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/me-sore-loser.html)?

Christian individualism

Christianity -- as most religions -- is a social expression of love and worship to the Godhead. Nonetheless, at times, we don't want to be surrounded by other humans and/or other creatures for that matter. Hence we remain as individuals -- away from society, away from others with our faith in one hand and doubting pains in the other. As odd as this concept (personal point of view) may seem, I've done the latter several, especially as I was looking for my faith (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html). In this personal search, I've found God several times especially sharing my faith and lack of with friends I've made in church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-church-friends-unexpected-fellowship.html) and others in and outside the Church environment. Considering this last statement, I wonder if I'd feel as much faith as I've got right now (so immensely little, broken & in doubt) if I were going to another church. I honestly think it could be much less (if any spiritual change if any at all) going somewhere else. Hence I thank the fellows at FAPC for giving me a chance to grow spiritually (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/open-letter-to-my-friends-86-weeks.html), not merely intellectually knowing facts about Christianity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/denominational-non-denominational.html) and its comparison to other faith systems (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/without-spirit.html & http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/quarreling-siblings.html).

email from a friend

A friend from church emailed me yesterday in the afternoon asking me how I was.

"I hope you are doing well. Just wanted to say hi and see how [everything's] going. You seemed a little down last time I saw you, and wanted to make sure you were ok."

I tend not to give too much information when it comes to my kids especially or anything else in my life. I tried to brief and polite in my response. I hope my friend doesn't take it the wrong way.

"I have been worried not necessarily down. My son (9) had a relapse and I've been worried since. My place right now is with my son. I don't want any more surprises. I will try to make it to the Christmas services (9, 15, 21 & 24). Thank you for checking on me."

I didn't mention that my son suffered seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I don't like giving details about any part of my private life, especially my children. As a matter of fact, the only people who know what happened are my mom (in the event something worse were to happen), my sons (19 & 2), a minister at church and my best friend (who's like a brother to me and knows my life inside and out). By the way, my son and I need no one's pity regardless whom it may come from.

rants: the same rants

A friend of mine* writes about the same topic over and over. It's her way to cope with the pain that kills her inside. She'll share her pain as long as she's got an audience who'd hear her.

I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).

As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.

On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.

* Hey kiddo, I'm sorry if my comments hurt your feelings. Sometimes you can only let go when it's time to let go.

no one to trust

Growing up, my father taught me to trust no one. Ironically the person I could never trust is my own father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). In all, I don't trust people in general, but I've given my "blind" trust to a small group of people. Nonetheless that trust can never be truly blind as much as I wish it was. If any of my friends lies to me, he/she would have betrayed me and hence lost all trust being immediately disposed of.

Wabbit

A dear friend of mine was nicknamed Wabbit from the Bugs Bunny cartoons while we worked at a broker firm about a decade ago. Since then its assets were sold and we were laid off (2001).

My friend Wabbit and I continue being good friends. She actually is the only friend whom I've got from that period of my life -- working at that company as a junior local area network (LAN) administrator.

Since we were laid off (a short ten-year span), she had to boys, separated, got married and had a beautiful baby girl. By the way, I always though she'd never get married or rather commit herself to a life-long relationship.

Now why am I mentioning my friend? Aside from being good friends in the good and bad times, she once mentioned that she was an ATHEIST although born and raised in a Roman Catholic family and traditions. She even told me not to ever talk to her about religion or faith. Nonetheless I made slight references regarding this forbidden topic once in a while. She had lots of patience with me.

About two weeks ago, she sent me a message saying that she had been thinking of me (oh boy, the horror). She told me then she had been looking at the PARISH to have her little girl BAPTIZED (great news). It seems that in the end, she had found her once-lost faith and I'm proud of her -- well after all her husband is an Irish Catholic.

Maybe I really had something to do with her change of heart. Then again she might have said this only to give me some credit and/or make me feel good about myself. Either way I'm proud my friend has seen the Light even if it were a clouded Light in her horizon.

friends from other books

As a continuation of http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/friends-from-afar.html I wanted to emphasize that distance doesn't always mean geographical position of two object or persons.

After living abroad about one third of my life and living in NYC for the other two thirds, not all my friends are Christian of whatever denomination.

For example, my friends I-An and I-Chun (sisters) are Buddhist.

Coto is atheist or so he calls himself. After all, his wife is Christian (Catholic perhaps).

Julian is non-practicing Jew and married to a non-practicing Christian.

Several of my friends are Muslim. As a matter of fact, my friend Sheila converted to Islam after spending most of her life as a Christian.

Of course, many are Christian although they don't practice their faith. If they do, it might be limited to several times a year.

After a while, religion is not too important when making friends for life. Nonetheless I must admit that some (if not all) the friends whom I've made in church might be my friends (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-church-friends-unexpected-fellowship.html) for the rest our lives.

friends from afar

I sometimes think how strange a simple fact of my life (and that of many, for that matter) is and/or can be. In the 39 years I've lived on this earth, I've made many friends and met many times as many other people. Some of my friends have traveled in many directions since, moving from one side of the world to the other.

For example, Anna moved back to TX after living like a decade in NYC.

Christine moved Seattle, WA, after living in NYC for several years.

Coto moved to his native Chile with his family. Dency and Gina also moved to Chile to accept separate jobs (weird coincidence). That's three of the elementary/high school gang spread though out Chile.

Dina (NY born and bred) moved to Israel.

Eileen lives in NJ and recently moved further in that state -- a little over an hour away from NYC.

I-An first moved Australia and then back in her native Taiwan. Her sister I-Chun in the other hand moved to San Francisco, CA.

Julian first moved back to his native Argentina, then to Seattle and recently to Iceland.

July and Cachi moved to FL -- the same state where my grandfather moved close to two decades ago.

Lisby moved to Sweden where her husband is from.

Sandra might be moving to NC this fall.

Tony (my best friend in elementary school) moved to Lebanon after the sixth grade.

Yanny moved to VA with her husband and children. By the way, her sister Gaby also moved there.

Of course, there are many others, but I can't recall them all right now.

Meanwhile I moved back to NYC where I lived as a child and surprisingly the youngest of my two sisters (18 months older than I) moved to Spain several years ago.

I also have "pen pals" in Britain and Italy (where my great grandfather was born).

It's funny and interesting how we can all use technology (internet and email, especially) to keep in touch and still make fun of one another. There's no way the constant and mutual teasing was ever going to stop.

At the end of the day, we're all nomads making the whole world our playground without limits of any kind. As long as we have our technology and gadgets, we seem to be happy.

saying goodbye to a friend, pt 2

My friend Paul had his last sermon at FAPC this morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/saying-goodbye-to-friend.html). Several of us were teary-eyed during his goodbye sermon. After worship, we celebrated his service and call as associate pastor for six years at FAPC (two of which I've attended this church) over coffee and cake.

At the same time, my friend Christine -- also from church -- left NYC to Seattle. She's right now somewhere in the midwest as she's traveling by car and visiting family (a long road trip and vacation at the same time).

As with most friends, it's hard to say goodbye. Yet we'll all remain friends an email or phone call away.

no vision

My friend Renee just put this quote on her Twitter account (@faithbookjesus).

Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18
http://twitter.com/faithbookjesus/status/18118376937

As usual these little quotes from the Bible can be deep and rich.

saying goodbye to a friend

This coming Sunday (07/11/2010), Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church (http://www.fapc.org/) says goodbye to one of the pastors -- Paul Thomas Rock (http://www.secondpres.org/node.aspx?ID=33). He's going to Kansas City to become senior pastor at Second Presbyterian Church (http://www.secondpres.org/).

He's a good friend and now he's gone off to another part of the country to teach another congregation the Good News. We'll miss him and his family.

as far as devotionals go...

This is a nice little quote from my friend Renee that I just had to borrow/steal.

"As far as devotionals go, the last day of the month is my fav to reflect, pray, journal, and read the Word so I can 'try again' next month!"
-- Renee Johnson (@faithbookjesus)

my church friends, unexpected fellowship

When I started going to FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/), making friends was something I had considered. After all, that had never been my experience in any religious circle. As a matter of fact, my experience had been that of the individual sharing practically nothing in common other than considering ourselves to be "true" Christians.

During the first months, I read a lot of information on Christianity, divisions and differences in the Church, denominations, schism, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Knox and anything else I could get my hands on. I wanted to make sure that what I had considered to be a "true" Christian would somehow fit into whatever new ideologies I was encountering in this different church. Nowadays Protestant Christianity makes more sense to me than my previous 37 years calling myself and/or being considered Catholic (born into a Catholic family/society and going to Catholic churches, all the while considering Protestants wrong).

Going back to the main subject, I started talking to other church goers asking questions here and there -- nothing special, nothing personal, other than the Christian faith. I then started going to these one-hour talks/classes. I slowly started hanging out in church with the same group of people and making friends there without realizing (fellowship). I also took several Bible study classes and met others and got to know some of the previous group of people somewhat better.

These new group of friends are guys whom I can talk, joke, laugh, eat (perhaps the favorite activity) and most importantly share a common faith (being Christian, perhaps with some differences in Christology -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christology --here and there). As a matter of fact, nowadays some of my dearest friends are from church. At the same time, I'm very grateful to some of them for helping me grow as a Christian and a better person (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/open-letter-to-my-friends-86-weeks.html).

I doesn't stop to amaze me how weird this one church is that these random people (myself included) have come together from different parts -- all coming to a common time and place in the universe. I don't think any of them is from NYC (myself included though living 27 years in this city).

my skeptical (atheist) friends

Speaking of atheists (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/being-geek-and-christian.html), two of my childhood friends -- atheists, hardcore skeptical, scientists in their own right with doctorates and such -- do have some valid points to their reasoning from a scientific point of view, which make me think and look for a religious/scientific answer their claims. It's the never ending quarrel (two against one) between friends, which we often avoid. Nonetheless I want to win the battle and prove them that there's a Godhead and make them worship God in whatever way (religion) they see fit.

Needless to say, most of my friends believe in God following different religious beliefs -- not only Christian.

In all this might be why I like reading Friedrich Nietzsche ("Gott ist tot"). His material always make me more interested in Christianity as well as forcing me to analyze my religious beliefs against my understanding of science.

a correct way to pray?

According to an article in CBN (http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/BibleStudyAndTheology/perspectives/correct-way-to-pray-luke-18-goodwyn.aspx), there's a correct way to pray.

"God wants to hear sincerity in our prayer, not vanity."
- Hannah Goodwyn

I don't doubt this, but I'm just surprised that someone has to tell us how to talk to God. I understand that we must be truthful and from the heart when talking to God -- as if God wouldn't already know what words are going to come out of our mouths. In other words, we must honestly feel what we pray for, but most importantly we shouldn't be greedy and selfish when asking for help. Said the latter, don't ask for a car or money, but rather pray for health and joy for yourself and those around -- family, friends and even strangers.

I must admit that I fail to ask for strangers. I'm still too selfish and usually ask for my sons and at times for myself. I still have so much to learn

me, the sore loser

A while ago I nominated myself to be an officer at church, but others were considered. As much as wished I was considered and given the opportunity, I must admit that I don't have the experience yet serving God or the state of mind right now for such full-time commitment.

In the other hand, several of my friends and other people whom I barely know by name or face were nominated and elected. I congratulated my friends honestly although wishing it was me being applauded. Well my friends have lots of work ahead and I'm glad for them especially for that one friend whom I also nominated.

Anyway this feeling of defeat will go away in a couple of days. Maybe next year or in a couple of years, I'd have my chance to serve.

Yet I feel like a sore loser.

Lenten in NYC

It's hard to be a good Christian in New York City during Lenten or any other time of the year. You bump into idiots all and every day. How can you love or at least respect others when they're just too stupid to be nice? At the same time, a subculture emerges from church goers where friendships can be developed, but the whole city doesn't follow this subculture. In all I guess that living in New York is the ultimate religious test.