my son's first ever seizure, maybe just fever

On Monday night (well actually early in the morning, about 2:30pm), parts of my nine-year-old son's upper body kept contracting while he was sleeping as slight muscle reflexes or spasms. His body temperature was fairly high (fever), but he wasn't sweating. It could've merely been an allergic reaction to eating some Italian bread made from wheat (mere wishful thinking) or to some bug that he could've caught in the hospital (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-day-of-eeg.html). In either case, I'm worried and close to falling into another rut of depression.

To avoid further surprises, I had my son stay home for the past two days (not that he'd put a fight for missing school). Yesterday morning, he was in bed doing nothing (much too odd for such a hyperactive child), with the TV on but rather just looking out the window. This latter behavior's similar to what he experienced right after his first seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I just can't tell if he suffered another seizure, due to my lack of experience in this field, but I truly hope not. Last night, he still had a fever, but it'd dissipated considerably by early this morning.

My youngest child (2) started with a similar reaction (fever) last night. Maybe my boys did catch some bug with a 48-hour incubation period somewhere.

Needless to say (type), I've just gone through two more sleepless nights and hence running on pure adrenaline for the past two days. I'm surprised I'm not dead yet. Of course, I can't afford to die leaving my children behind. Life's a bitch and I've got no choice but to deal with it.

rants: so many books, yet nothing I care to read

I've got a small collection of ebooks including several versions of the Bible (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/bible-in-my-hand.html) that I move in and out of the memory card of my mobile as often I finish reading them or decide not to waste my time on them anymore. This means that I can actually read any or all of them anywhere. Nonetheless as of late, I've lost interest in doing so (possible sign of another bout with depression; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/no-idea-what-to-do.html). At times, i wish were normal (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html).

my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html), pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

my statement of faith as of 2010/12/16

It's a good idea to confess our faith and beliefs on God periodically and compare each to previous ones. Said the latter, without reading my previous statement of faith, I've written the following.

I believe in a (only one) God

1. who's good and never cruel,
2. who'll one day respond to my most important prayer,
3. who'll someday heal my son and/or lead me to find a cure,
4. who'll someday take away the suffering from my sick little boy,
5. who'll be with my sick child after I die and/or give him a new carer,
6. who's at the same time failed to protect my son and saw me holding my lifeless child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html),
7. who's seen me break down and live my deepest pains for my sick child too many times,
8. whom I've doubted many times in anger and despair if he'll ever heal my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html),
9. whom I still have faith that my son will be healthy once again (wishful, hopeful thinking),
10. who still gives me strength to continue fighting for my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html),

My original idea when writing this statement was to compare it against the first one I ever published (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html), but I don't think it's good idea any more. I see I'm holding too much pain and anger right now. I might have simply changed for the worse as a Christian (lack of faith) and a person (more negative to humankind in general).

rants: my defective brain

I've been taking all my medications as of late (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/not-taking-my-medications.html), but my behavior's been somewhat off. Maybe this is why I was more depressed than usual during the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Does this mean I'll be depressed out of my mind on Christmas day? I hope not, but I'll try to keep my mind busy helping at church during two of three Christmas Eve services (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-revisited.html).

Could it be that I need to increase the dosage of my current medications or simply try a new combination of medications? Well for the time being, my psychiatrist just changed one of three medications. It's a matter of time to know if this new prescription works for me.

my son's first ever seizure, two Sundays later

Since my son had a seizure in the early hours of Monday 11/29/2010 morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I freak out every Sunday night wondering if he could suffer another seizure in early hours of the next Monday morning. This surely gives a new meaning to the "Monday Blues."

Undoubtedly I'm still worried and scared for my son's health, life and over all well being. I check on him day and night to the point that he must be sick of me. I keep waking up at all times of the night to make sure he hasn't fallen unconscious in his sleep after another seizure. Needless to say (type), at work especially, I can't stop wondering if the next phone call I get is to inform me of another emergency. At least, my mental state's much clearer after the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Without much of a forcefully given choice, I'll have to learn how to live with the possibility and reality that epilepsy most likely won't go away from my child's life. Nonetheless I could at least be ready for another emergency and hopefully for anything else that "life" throws at us without letting my emotions clog my mind and/or judgment. I must definitely think this way since I've always been calm, rational, logical and practically cold-blooded after any accident or emergency and I'd hate lose this part of me.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html). One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?
   
   
2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?
   
   Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.
   
   
3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?

Blue Christmas (MMX): something to think about

By the way, the Christmas season (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html) brings the highest level of depression in some people and hence numbers of suicides. It also brings out the most hypocrisy out of people too as they act as if they really cared about their fellow men. This is truly the season to be dying -- either loosing your material life or your soul.

Blue Christmas (MMX)

I'm looking forward to tonight's Blue Christmas worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html). I'm glad that there's such a thing as a Christmas service for those of us who are blue (sad, depressed, troubled, lonesome, etc; in my case, all the latter). Sometimes Christmas (the Mass of the Christ, the celebration of the coming of Messiah, the incarnation of God) isn't as joyful for some (myself included) as it seems to be for the majority of others.

I must admit that I'm always blue during Christmas, which stopped being fun over two decades ago. This is simply not my favorite time of the year. Now with my son suffering a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I feel even worse. In the past ten days or so, I've been able to see deeper into the soul of those so-called experts who once promised to look after the sick and especially the handicapped. Hence I'm in no mood to be joyful. It hurts deeply to see him not being able to enjoy the whole "holiday" charade and the stupid TV specials like other children. As someone told me last night, there's a possibility that any day could be my son's last and I simply don't have any intention of burying my son so early in his broken and limited life.

One thing that's made it easier for me to cope with all the charade of love and joy charade of the season has been listening to my all-time favorite Christmas record, Excelsis v.2 ~ a winter's song (http://www.projekt.com/projekt/product.asp?sku=PRO00092) with goth rock bands interpreting Christmas songs much more beautifully than I've ever heard them.

In all, this will be another dark and depressing Christmas. I might just lock myself in my room and watch Japanese horror/gore movies or whatever I might be in the mood for. Of course, my mother as usual will try to cheer me up and fail miserably only making me more upset.

On a good note, during the Christmas services, I'd try to help as much as I can and feel useful serving God in some cheap way -- all the while feeling miserable inside. Hopefully I'd be able to hold on to whatever's left of my faith.

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-sunday-08012010.html

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/15-weeks-later.html

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html

I hope it's depression (BPD; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/search/label/depression) and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.

worst father ever, me (maybe)

Then again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-father-ever-me.html), sometimes I think I'm so bad of a father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Only time and God would tell.

worst father ever, me

I do everything possible for my boys, but whatever I do is and will never be enough and I've got need to sugarcoat it.

1. I'm not there for my oldest child (19). It doesn't matter how much I miss him. I haven't been with him in the good and bad. I've truly failed him regardless how many times he may say otherwise.
2. My middle child (9) was diagnosed with a disorder when he was a still practically a baby. For the past seven to eight years, there's been very little that I've been able to accomplish to improve his quality of life, but he's not healed.
3. My youngest (2) seems to be healthy as all his tests come back clean (perhaps inconclusive, maybe too early to tell). Perhaps he doesn't feel loved and/or cared for appropriately since taking care of my second child (his own brother) demands lots of time and effort, but he doesn't know how to express it or simply can't -- at least, not as of yet. At times I can't give my youngest everything he wants (toys especially) since most of the money I earn is spent on medications and therapies for my middle child.

It's depressing to fall short for my children. I'm practically taking from one child to give to the other. Further more, I don't like the possible wrong "values" that I may be teaching my three boys. Having them baptized as Christians isn't enough.

rants: my medications

For the past four years, I've taken Lamictal (anti-psychotic, bipolar disorder), Prozac (antidepressant) and Adderall (stimulant to control attention deficit disorder). For the past two years, I've also taken medication for high blood pressure triggered by Adderall. It's somewhat of an expensive cocktail from hell to control my emotions and lack of concentration.

The biggest problem with Adderall is the Patriot Act, which made it a highly controlled substance. This means waiting for at least a week for my prescription to be ready and at times having no medicine days or weeks at a time. Taking a highly "controlled substance" makes me feel like a junkie in need for a fix. After all, I do need Adderall as a medicine.

Now the biggest two problems or side effects with the rest of the medicine are increased appetite and extreme fatigue (all day long drowsiness, fatigue; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/rants-dozing-off.html). The side effect of Adderall are helping me stay awake and cut down my appetite. Surprisingly enough the side effects from these medicines cancel out the side effects of one another.

rants: dozing off

I've felt so tired that I could barely stay awake all day. I kept dozing off a minute here and there. Of course, the weather didn't help (constant rain, all day long) as it was perfect to stay in bed all day. I keep thinking that I may pass out at any time, any where, due to the medications that I take (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/depression-allergies-motherload.html). I can't wait to start taking the other medicine that I need, which keeps me awake (good side effect, considering that the others make me heavily drowsy).

depression & light

If there was one thing that affects me most (especially right now) aside from high frequencies, it'd be light. Like a mystical vampire (if such existed), I hide from the sun, bright lights and even glare. Then again I've lived most of my life in some level of darkness, away from it all. Even my prescription eyeglasses (currently three pairs) are tinted or darken when exposed to the light. In other words, light gives me a pounding headache and makes me feel even more miserable!

depression & allergies (the motherload)

To make matters worse, in the past couple of days my allergies are also making feel worse. This means taking more medication. Of course, the problem with taking the amount of medication I need to take every morning -- aside tolerance and possible addiction -- is being drowsy all day and passing out at anytime and anywhere (especially at work and in church).

depression, another bout

When depression hits, it hits me like a mule. In the past couple of days, I've been going through another bout with depression after too short a rest (too soon to arrive, too long to bear).

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/psychotic-christian.html), faith is simply not enough to tame the demons in my head. I must take medication in order to control the chemical imbalance in my brain, emotions, pain, confusion and all of it all. I want to feel that long-gone interest in the same things that once cheered me up.

Needless to say (or write), I take my pills every day as instructed by my psychiatrist. Maybe I should take more (three pills of each instead of two), but how much more is too much after all? After four years of taking the same dosage or the same medication, maybe my body's used to these chemicals (tolerance). Maybe I need other medications or simply more of the same.

Perhaps I've simply become painfully dull in the dire need of medications to cope. Then again I could just be getting old and bored.

another day, another night

I guess I'm either lazy or depressed (diagnosed with manic depression, now referred to as bipolar disorder). I don't want to do anything -- other than listening to music, being alone and thinking -- not even watching movies.

This isn't normal (relative to a norm, as accepted by a society). There's something wrong with or in me (other than medical condition, of course), but what can I blame for it, this time around? There should be some honest answer for my own question, but I don't know what to say. Of course, I can always say that the medications I take make me drowsy all day, which would be partially true -- yet not the real truth.

For the time being, I'll continue listening to songs of love and pain from The Murder City Devils (http://www.themurdercitydevils.com/).