rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

patriotism, drinking, self destructive behavior, hurt & no God

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/) the following is the concept of patriotism.

Patriotism is love and devotion to one's country. The word comes from the Greek patris, meaning fatherland. Patriotism, however, has had different meanings over time, and its meaning is highly dependent upon context, geography, and philosophy. Although patriotism is used in certain vernaculars as a synonym for nationalism, nationalism is not necessarily considered an inherent part of patriotism. Among the ancient Greeks, patriotism consisted of notions concerning language, religious traditions, ethics, law, and devotion to the common good, rather than pure identification with a nation-state. Scholar J. Peter Euben writes that for the Greek philosopher Socrates, "patriotism does not require one to agree with everything that his country does and would actually promote analytical questioning in a quest to make the country the best it possibly can be."

In the Hindu epic Ramayana, Lord Rama tells Lakshmana Janani Janma Bhoomischa Swargadapi Gariyasi (Mother and Motherland are greater than heaven), which greatly lays the foundation for consciousness of patriotism for Hindus.

During the 18th century Age of Enlightenment, the notion of patriotism continued to be separate from the notion of nationalism. Instead, patriotism was defined as devotion to humanity and beneficence. For example, providing charity, criticizing slavery, and denouncing excessive penal laws were all considered patriotic. In both ancient and modern visions of patriotism, individual responsibility to fellow citizens is an inherent component of patriotism.

Many contemporary notions of patriotism are influenced by 19th century ideas about nationalism. During the 19th century, "being patriotic" became increasingly conflated with nationalism and even jingoism. However, some notions of contemporary patriotism reject nationalism in favour of a more classic version of the idea of patriotism which includes social responsibility.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriotism

It's a farce for some and die-hard reality for many. Yet this is a feeling that I've never experienced -- not even during war. This lack of pride has made me a foreigner wherever I've lived. I haven't been able to fit in the general mold.

At the same time, this might be reason for the culture clash I've had several times and especially the suicidal desperation that I endured during high school. Maybe I can blame all this to my drinking, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, suicide attempts (always stopping right in time not to die) and over all pain from peer-pressure and especially high school. Adding the fact that I've been diagnosed with ADHD along with other disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/mental-disorders-and-church.html), I'd have the perfect excuse to have been the worst student in high school while college became a total different story (A student on every subject but statistics).

One of the few things that helped me then were my music (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life-pt.html), my then-friend Mary Lou who introduced to reading the Bible (such a weird concept at the time) and finding God at least for a little while.

oh mercy oh god happy-pill!

Most of us have all felt that we don't belong in the Kingdom of the Lord. We opt for different solutions to solve the pain that we have, that void in our lives and soul, that lack of soul. Sometimes we use illegal (street) drugs or prescription drugs (prescribed to us, not to someone else) to fill that void. We go to a psychiatrist who fills us with chemicals to regulate some other chemicals in our brains or somewhere else in our decaying bodies. At this point, we've only become carcasses searching for something -- whatever that something is.

I can say "we" since I've taken medicine to fill my void and scare the demons in my head. For the past two years or so, that void has diminished, but not completely gone away. Of course, I might explain that I've been diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar disorder). I do need medicines to balance out the chemistry of my brain. There could be nothing worse than a depressed person with a broken brain and no God. I'm glad to be alive although sometimes I do get ideas of suicide. These are the times when I hold on to the love that I have for my children and the faith that God will make everything right. I'm a broken man, a sinner, a stupid man looking for peace and God.

Why am I writing this? Well those suicidal thoughts returned today. There's no other reason.

* My metaphors merely express the pain that I've felt -- the same pain others have felt.