rants: my defective brain

I've been taking all my medications as of late (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/not-taking-my-medications.html), but my behavior's been somewhat off. Maybe this is why I was more depressed than usual during the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Does this mean I'll be depressed out of my mind on Christmas day? I hope not, but I'll try to keep my mind busy helping at church during two of three Christmas Eve services (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-revisited.html).

Could it be that I need to increase the dosage of my current medications or simply try a new combination of medications? Well for the time being, my psychiatrist just changed one of three medications. It's a matter of time to know if this new prescription works for me.

moving: finally getting TV service connected

After living a month in my new apartment (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html), I finally had TV service connected this morning. It's taken a month to get this service installed properly and finally running.

It was a painful month without my favorite shows. Other than channel 31.2 (Qubo, http:www.qubo.com/) and 13.1 (PBS, http://www.pbs.org/) as well as a handful of comedies (mostly re-runs, syndicated), over-the-air (OTA) television programming's pathetically boring in my sole opinion. Of course, ATSC makes things worse if the signal isn't strong enough. At least, an old NTSC signal could fail and at least displayed a weak and/or distorted b/w image.

Then again, it could've been much worse. At least, I was able to watch some material that I'd recorded on my DVR and lots of movies on-line -- the latter being the second best thing to do.

Now I only have to connect my DVR to the DSL modem/router, which aren't close to one another (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html). It either means running about 50 feet of CAT-5 making the apartment look fairly shabby ($25 to $40), getting a proprietary 802.11 adapter ($65) or using power line communication ($70; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_line_communication). I'm still not sure what I'll do.

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

not taking my medications

There are days that I forget to take my medications or simply don't. These are the days that I wonder about true nature. I simply act different, what I'd describe as dark and evil. Could this mean that I take medicine to simply drown my anger, hate and over all the real me -- to alter my (evil) nature? Am I better off dead? Is it me being a Christian a mere farce?

no internet + no tv = tired all the time

I've been tired as of late. Since I moved two weeks ago (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html), I still haven't got the internet and TV service connected (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html).

The internet company messed my account having the wrong address on record. Now I need to cancel my account and open a new one.

At the same time, the satellite service (TV) hasn't been connected. The technicians don't have the proper experience and don't known how to do the wiring coming from the roof through the walls.

So far, it's the worst moving experience that I've ever had. Ironically the new apartment's right across the hall from the old one. How difficult can the new set-up be.

Since I've got no TV (other than old recordings in my TiVo) and no internet in the apartment, I keep cleaning and fixing things in this apartment to avoid getting bored. I'm literally exhausted.

bad thoughts

Once again, I've having bad thoughts in a somewhat constant basis. Maybe I need to be more heavily medicated or even sedated. Otherwise the demons in my head will get me in serious trouble.

"How does it feel to accept you're gonna sink into despair.
How does it feel to lose the fight, the battle with yourself."

http://tattooofpain.pragakhan.com/lyrics/howdoesitfeel.html

Maybe this is why I keep listening to "How does it feel?" from Tattoo of Pain (http://tattooofpain.pragakhan.com/) -- a side project of Praga Khan (Lords of Acid; http://www.lordsofacid.com/) from Belgium (nu-beat).

Of course, no internet access and no TV service don't help my mood (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html).

no internet & no tv

I moved a week ago and I still don't have internet access or TV service.
Let's just say that I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html

moving

Refer to http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/uninterested.html.


SATURDAY 2010/11/06

09:50 - got keys to new apartment

09:55 - found out gas service in the new apartment had been shut off so no hot water, no heat, no gas to cook till Monday

10:00 - had breakfast; started moving into new apartment; didn't take medications all day

17:00 - took a shower; to continue moving on Sunday

20:00 - went to sleep


SUNDAY 2010/11/07

07:00 - woke up to my son fuming that DSL & phone service had been disconnected in old apartment, no DSL & phone service in new apartment either; all no DirecTV till Tuesday

07:15 - continued moving our stuff

08:45 - had breakfast; took medications

09:30 - showered to go to church

10:00 - took the subway to church

10:40 - arrived at church, had some coffee (second cup of the day) and piece of pound cake, entered the sanctuary & went to help at the audio console

12:30 - service over, took subway back

13:00 - continued moving

18:00 - had some Chinese noodles with fried tofu

20:00 - finished cleaning the floors the old apartment

22:15 - finished moving, smelling & tired; went out to get a cup of coffee (third cup) & other groceries

22:30 - took a shower

22:45 - tried to sleep; no idea when I did fall asleep


MONDAY 2010/11/08

05:15 - dismissed my wake-up alarm

05:45 - got up, all sore & tired with backache, took shower; took my medications, no breakfast yet

06:30 - took subway to go to work

08:00 - going to start working

08:30 - going to have breakfast


* nasty, lots of work to simply move from apartment to another a mere twenty feet away

uninterested

Every time I've ever moved to a new apartment, I've felt as if I was starting a new life. This weekend I'm moving and I should most likely be excited, but I'm not. I rather feel dull and uninterested -- yet not depressed. It'd just be another weekend that I won't get to sleep or rest and by Monday I'd be sleeping in a different habitat.

Whatever it's in my head right now might only be described as a feeling of NOTHINGNESS (not WORTHLESSNESS), of having no interest in anything. Regardless what this feeling really is, it's plagued me for the past two weeks or so. I haven't even really watched the movies that I've rented from Netflix or TV for that matter -- well other than Sherlock (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/sherlock-holmes.html) and Jerry Springer (http://www.jerryspringertv.com/). I've rather slept, listened to lots of music, written lots of material and read whatever MOBI and PRC files in my BlackBerry.

It's as if my life had stood still while seeing others go through their lives. I'm not sure what I might be missing right now. At least, I feel good when writing or playing with my children -- a mere handful of minutes spread through out the day.

Several times in the past, I've felt a void that no drugs or religion have been able to fulfill (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/oh-mercy-oh-god-happy-pill.html). I'm not sure if this void's the same nothingness that I feel right now. If it were, I know that my faith has usually filled that sort of void.

Then again it might just be my medication taking my joy away (bad side effect), not only my anger and anxiety (BPD & OCD). In the end, I'm walking through life as the undead (zombie) from a bad science fiction movie with no feeling or care.

modern medicine, what a sham

What can we do when modern medicine's limited, archaic and simply wrong? Most of the doctors (99%) I've met don't or refuse to understand what some diseases really are. These men and women of science have all their faith drugs and whatever some authority has written in stone.

Medicine actually is the comparison of individuals to determine what's correct/healthy (higher population, normal) and what's not (lower population, abnormal). Medicine fails to see that some individuals are simply structured differently. For example, in ADD a person may hold two separate thoughts at the same time while "normal" persons are limited to one at any given time. It'd be a no-brainer to think that the person who can process two different thoughts at the same time was born with a gift, but medicine and society say otherwise and rather drug the individual to restrain his/her extra mental capacity.

Now what happens to that other 1% of the medical community -- those who can see beyond some old book and erroneous science? The federal government even has had the audacity to limit doctors to whatever the government consider "healthy" and correct body function. If a doctor refuses to follow government established regulations, the doctor could be punished. This means that these "not mainstream" doctors are marginalized and even ridiculed. Some of these doctors can't even be paid by health insurance companies. Hence they only accept cash.

Said all this, the doctor who sees my nine-year-old is one of these doctors outside mainstream medicine. She helped my son much more in a month than the twenty or more mainstream doctors who had seen my son for some seven years of his life.

Well at the end of the day (or rather early morning), I continue taking medication to live one day at a time.

me -- who, what, where?

I write all the time (several times a day) about several topics -- as of late plenty of material on religion, but who/what am I?

1. I'm Christian fairly curious about religions, theology and mythology. I don't shy away from asking and learning about other religions and/or faiths.

2. I've lived in Queens, NY (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/this-old-jewish-town.html), for 27 years. I almost moved to FL, but I don't like hurricanes. I almost moved to NJ, but you need a car there and I don't drive.

3. I like hard rock, metal, industrial, electronica, country and some other genres of music. I've also owned several guitars and other music equipment since 1986.

4. I watch lots of TV -- as of late lots of material from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/), ITV (http://www.itv.com/) and Channel 4 (http://www.channel4.com/) from the UK. American TV needs more edge. What happened to shows like Starsky & Hutch (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072567/).

5. I write poetry, music and whatever comes my way. Read the beginning on these entry.

6. I work as a systems programmer and operator. I've gone through several computers since 1984. I also have a degree in computer science and one in audio engineering. I currently use Ubuntu Linux at home, which my nine-year-old prefers to use.

7. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. I like Italian, Mediterranean, Indian and some Middle Eastern food.

8. I've been an advocate for the disabled (mentally especially) for several years.

9. I was diagnosed with ADD, OCD and BPD. Therefore I take a whole bunch of medication in the morning. If curious, I do have a bad temper. I guess it's the Italian blood in me.

10. I guess I don't have a #10 right now.

oh mercy oh god happy-pill!

Most of us have all felt that we don't belong in the Kingdom of the Lord. We opt for different solutions to solve the pain that we have, that void in our lives and soul, that lack of soul. Sometimes we use illegal (street) drugs or prescription drugs (prescribed to us, not to someone else) to fill that void. We go to a psychiatrist who fills us with chemicals to regulate some other chemicals in our brains or somewhere else in our decaying bodies. At this point, we've only become carcasses searching for something -- whatever that something is.

I can say "we" since I've taken medicine to fill my void and scare the demons in my head. For the past two years or so, that void has diminished, but not completely gone away. Of course, I might explain that I've been diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar disorder). I do need medicines to balance out the chemistry of my brain. There could be nothing worse than a depressed person with a broken brain and no God. I'm glad to be alive although sometimes I do get ideas of suicide. These are the times when I hold on to the love that I have for my children and the faith that God will make everything right. I'm a broken man, a sinner, a stupid man looking for peace and God.

Why am I writing this? Well those suicidal thoughts returned today. There's no other reason.

* My metaphors merely express the pain that I've felt -- the same pain others have felt.

the two of me

As of right now, I see two different personalities living together -- that of a man eager to be good Christian and that of a hard-core addict to anything related to sex.

As a good Christian, I try to be devoted to church and community, learning about the scriptures, etc. I might be an extension from being a union activist and being part of various on-line support groups, especially if related to computers or mental diseases.

As a hard-core addict to anything related to sex, I ran an adult website several years ago and I'm still a member of various on-line adult communities. In positive note (at least to my opinion), I continue to be very open to any sexual topic and situation (no taboos).

These two sides of me might merely be my bipolar condition and the constant struggle between good and evil inside me.

medications and church

I take heavy medication every morning to start my day, one pill of this and a couple of that. Being born with bipolar disorder is like being born a demon trying to be good like Hellboy (http://www.hellboy.com/) or Spawn (http://www.spawn.com/comics/series.aspx?series_id=1). I've learned to avoid situations that my trigger me off. I've learned to avoid my inner demons and control myself, but at times I come short. At church I feel in peace, at ease. I feel good about myself, almost safe. Ten minutes after stepping out into the real world, I can get psychotic.

so alone in my journey

Many people (some who should be backing me up) don't believe that I'm looking for God. They see me as a demon making up a charade. Since my mental condition is like living with my own worse enemy in my head, I've been less than good person at times. Now being medicated with antipsychotics, I try to find peace in my head and soul. Of course these people doubt my intentions and even criticize me. Well I've learned not to care. I've always thought of myself as being alone. So alone in this journey I'd be wondering if I'm worthy to be in God's grace.

mental disorders and church

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder. I'm a real mental case. In my case and that of hundreds of thousands, how can religion help? Does a church of any Christian denomination help or understand or accept us?

10/19/2008 11:15AM

"Guide Along The Wilderness Road"
by Rev. Randolph Weber

* Second week in a row late about 5 to 10 minutes; still wondering why I go to FAPC when Anglican is about a block away and St Pat's cathedral (Roman Catholic) is about three blocks away

* Continued taking notes, learning, trying to understand; still not interested to be a member of a congregation

* Finally gave an offering ($10, $5 per week, cheap bastard), hadn't given in two weeks prior; considered using checkbook for income tax write-off, but better off doing it in cash (no recognition, no show-off); moneys not for the church although needed to maintain the church (20% for utilities, etc), 80% for different projects like meals to the homeless who sleep/rest on the steps of the church for refuge/shelter at 5:30AM and late at night; to return something to God for what he has given us

* five weeks coming to church and my mind starts wondering for the second time, thinking of sex and other shit, why? ADHD? most likely not

* Sermon: God using people to teach others about Christ, our faith in part to unite people; should tell others our experiences regarding God; must "follow through" and continue helping those we teach about God

* Took postcard on Adult Education
http://www.christianstudies.org/
** Interested in course "Tools for Bible Study"
11/16/2008 & 11/23/2008 9:30-10:45AM
Registration: Mary Bostic (mbostic@fapc.org)
Tell her about the Sword Project (Bible Desktop)