ordained, three months later

Three months after being ordained by the Universal Life Church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html), my little faith's of course still tested. Maybe it'll be for the rest of my life for accepting this responsibility. My problem's that I'm not sure what I'm doing or what to really do. I'm glad the Universal Life Church website has a guide that someone like can definitely use (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity). Of course, all this means absolutely nothing I can't even help my own son with prayer and my pains (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html). Maybe I'm just a sham (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/me-me-always-me.html).

oh mercy oh god happy-pill!

Most of us have all felt that we don't belong in the Kingdom of the Lord. We opt for different solutions to solve the pain that we have, that void in our lives and soul, that lack of soul. Sometimes we use illegal (street) drugs or prescription drugs (prescribed to us, not to someone else) to fill that void. We go to a psychiatrist who fills us with chemicals to regulate some other chemicals in our brains or somewhere else in our decaying bodies. At this point, we've only become carcasses searching for something -- whatever that something is.

I can say "we" since I've taken medicine to fill my void and scare the demons in my head. For the past two years or so, that void has diminished, but not completely gone away. Of course, I might explain that I've been diagnosed with manic depression (bipolar disorder). I do need medicines to balance out the chemistry of my brain. There could be nothing worse than a depressed person with a broken brain and no God. I'm glad to be alive although sometimes I do get ideas of suicide. These are the times when I hold on to the love that I have for my children and the faith that God will make everything right. I'm a broken man, a sinner, a stupid man looking for peace and God.

Why am I writing this? Well those suicidal thoughts returned today. There's no other reason.

* My metaphors merely express the pain that I've felt -- the same pain others have felt.

smudged with ashes

Lent is less than 24 hours away. Tomorrow I'd go to church and get my forehead smudged with ashes from last year's palms or so we're told. As a Christian, I'm supposed to give up something sinful and/or wrong in my life for the rest of my life especially for the next 40 days. I have no idea what I'll give up this time around, but I must confess that I couldn't give up what I tried last year. Does this make me a bad Christian or a bad person? Well someone upstairs will sure decide.

me, me, always me

Although I'm taking my medicines, I'm so depressed that my body aches. I've got to find comfort in little things like several cups of hot coffee during the day.

Right now, I've got no interest in working or doing some of the things that I normally enjoy doing. I just want to sleep, forget and disappear. I feel so lonely that I want to talk to someone who can cheer me up. Of course, all my friends are gone or busy and I've got no one to talk to right now.

I'm so worried about money that I can't relax. I'm waiting for my income tax refund so I can pay part of the money that I owe (bills, credit card debt, loans, etc).

This seems like textbook depression. This is also where religion and going to church help me out. It's therapeutic as it brings me momentary peace (some sort of escape from my reality).

I admit that I use religion to get that personal peace and tranquility that I constantly seek. Therefore I might not the good Christian whom I try to become and my whole effort might simply be a sham after all.

So the question remains. Am I lying to myself? Am I the liar whom everyone accuses me to be?

my sunday mornings

It's weird going out every Sunday to church regardless of the weather. In the past, I wouldn't have gone anywhere on a Sunday morning, much less if snowing or raining. Now I wouldn't miss it.

Now that I don't have a mobile phone with internet access (cutting down expenses), my commute is a little different, not too mention mundane. I can only write and save texts in my new phone (a BlackBerry 8320) while riding the bus or subway. Then to access this text, I need to mount the phone as a removable disk on another system and copy over the text (as I'm doing right now). Perhaps this last piece of information was a bit too technical (a bit too geeky).

Nonetheless I'd continue taking my early morning Sunday commute as mundane, dull or simply boring as it may be. In return, I enjoy my time at church studying and listening to the word of God (currently three hours). The drawback is being part of the church community (group of strangers) as I'm still learning how to act like most of these (sane) humans.

Without a doubt, my human interaction has always been limited and awkward due to my mental condition (for example, understanding when to thank someone out of proper social accepted customs rather than feeling it). The latter explanation doesn't mean that I don't have other deep human emotional interaction with others, in other words friends. Some of them have known me since I was a child and have accepted me as strange as I've always been. Many of my newer friends are as weird as I having gone through some of the same bad experiences as I've had.

Surprisingly enough, most of my christian friends are not church goers, just like I was. Does this last argument mean that I might be better than my friends? Of course, I'm not in any way. I'm merely looking for an excuse to bring them to FAPC or any other christian church.

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/selling-my-faith.html), I see religion as a means of therapeutic relaxation for the mind and soul (inner peace). If a person can achieve grace and eternal salvation (heaven) through that inner peace, so be it.