rants: trembling hands

I wrote the following early last night (not edited, as if anyone cared).

"Anxiety's kicking me in the teeth right now. My right hand's trembling while my left remains fairly still. I'm in a much too crowded place and I don't feel calm at all -- regardless how much I try to keep my mind busy."

my son's first ever seizure, what about God?

I need answers, so many answers.

Where was God in all this (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html)?

Did he forsake my son, an innocent child born sick for miserable doctors to use as a guinea pig (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html)?

Why did he let this happen to my boy (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-month-later.html)?

Did he want to kill and/or destroy my son's mind (frying his brain), health and/or life (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html)?

Is this some sort of sick celestial punishment for my sins? If so, I should suffer alone and die for my sins instead of allowing my little boy suffer (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html).

I'm angry at God for allowing my son to suffer in pain, anxiety and fear (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Why doesn't God just kill me in exchange for my boy's life?

moving: finally getting TV service connected

After living a month in my new apartment (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html), I finally had TV service connected this morning. It's taken a month to get this service installed properly and finally running.

It was a painful month without my favorite shows. Other than channel 31.2 (Qubo, http:www.qubo.com/) and 13.1 (PBS, http://www.pbs.org/) as well as a handful of comedies (mostly re-runs, syndicated), over-the-air (OTA) television programming's pathetically boring in my sole opinion. Of course, ATSC makes things worse if the signal isn't strong enough. At least, an old NTSC signal could fail and at least displayed a weak and/or distorted b/w image.

Then again, it could've been much worse. At least, I was able to watch some material that I'd recorded on my DVR and lots of movies on-line -- the latter being the second best thing to do.

Now I only have to connect my DVR to the DSL modem/router, which aren't close to one another (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html). It either means running about 50 feet of CAT-5 making the apartment look fairly shabby ($25 to $40), getting a proprietary 802.11 adapter ($65) or using power line communication ($70; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_line_communication). I'm still not sure what I'll do.

no internet + no tv = tired all the time

I've been tired as of late. Since I moved two weeks ago (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html), I still haven't got the internet and TV service connected (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html).

The internet company messed my account having the wrong address on record. Now I need to cancel my account and open a new one.

At the same time, the satellite service (TV) hasn't been connected. The technicians don't have the proper experience and don't known how to do the wiring coming from the roof through the walls.

So far, it's the worst moving experience that I've ever had. Ironically the new apartment's right across the hall from the old one. How difficult can the new set-up be.

Since I've got no TV (other than old recordings in my TiVo) and no internet in the apartment, I keep cleaning and fixing things in this apartment to avoid getting bored. I'm literally exhausted.

no internet & no tv

I moved a week ago and I still don't have internet access or TV service.
Let's just say that I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html

moving

Refer to http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/uninterested.html.


SATURDAY 2010/11/06

09:50 - got keys to new apartment

09:55 - found out gas service in the new apartment had been shut off so no hot water, no heat, no gas to cook till Monday

10:00 - had breakfast; started moving into new apartment; didn't take medications all day

17:00 - took a shower; to continue moving on Sunday

20:00 - went to sleep


SUNDAY 2010/11/07

07:00 - woke up to my son fuming that DSL & phone service had been disconnected in old apartment, no DSL & phone service in new apartment either; all no DirecTV till Tuesday

07:15 - continued moving our stuff

08:45 - had breakfast; took medications

09:30 - showered to go to church

10:00 - took the subway to church

10:40 - arrived at church, had some coffee (second cup of the day) and piece of pound cake, entered the sanctuary & went to help at the audio console

12:30 - service over, took subway back

13:00 - continued moving

18:00 - had some Chinese noodles with fried tofu

20:00 - finished cleaning the floors the old apartment

22:15 - finished moving, smelling & tired; went out to get a cup of coffee (third cup) & other groceries

22:30 - took a shower

22:45 - tried to sleep; no idea when I did fall asleep


MONDAY 2010/11/08

05:15 - dismissed my wake-up alarm

05:45 - got up, all sore & tired with backache, took shower; took my medications, no breakfast yet

06:30 - took subway to go to work

08:00 - going to start working

08:30 - going to have breakfast


* nasty, lots of work to simply move from apartment to another a mere twenty feet away

uninterested

Every time I've ever moved to a new apartment, I've felt as if I was starting a new life. This weekend I'm moving and I should most likely be excited, but I'm not. I rather feel dull and uninterested -- yet not depressed. It'd just be another weekend that I won't get to sleep or rest and by Monday I'd be sleeping in a different habitat.

Whatever it's in my head right now might only be described as a feeling of NOTHINGNESS (not WORTHLESSNESS), of having no interest in anything. Regardless what this feeling really is, it's plagued me for the past two weeks or so. I haven't even really watched the movies that I've rented from Netflix or TV for that matter -- well other than Sherlock (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/sherlock-holmes.html) and Jerry Springer (http://www.jerryspringertv.com/). I've rather slept, listened to lots of music, written lots of material and read whatever MOBI and PRC files in my BlackBerry.

It's as if my life had stood still while seeing others go through their lives. I'm not sure what I might be missing right now. At least, I feel good when writing or playing with my children -- a mere handful of minutes spread through out the day.

Several times in the past, I've felt a void that no drugs or religion have been able to fulfill (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/oh-mercy-oh-god-happy-pill.html). I'm not sure if this void's the same nothingness that I feel right now. If it were, I know that my faith has usually filled that sort of void.

Then again it might just be my medication taking my joy away (bad side effect), not only my anger and anxiety (BPD & OCD). In the end, I'm walking through life as the undead (zombie) from a bad science fiction movie with no feeling or care.

the interview

I often feel anxious when waiting, but I didn't the first days after getting the notice of the interview at another location of the same local government agency where I've worked for almost seven years (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/100th-week.html).

On Tuesday late in the afternoon, I started feeling a slight level of anxiety. Then again I do have the time and years of experience for a promotion. I feel that I deserve a higher paid title.

On Wednesday afternoon, I had the interview for this new position and title -- after a little over a two-hour wait. Unfortunately I don't think I'd get the position since I need more experience in database administration. Nonetheless I felt comfortable (no anxiety) talking to the two people doing the interview as I tried to sell myself for the position. I was honest about my abilities and experience. Hence I was satisfied with whatever outcome from this interview.

Of course, I won't rule out a favorable outcome.

no longer enough

As much as religion (going to church, Bible study, being an active or some what active member of the congregation, volunteering and even becoming a member of FAPC) has helped me tame my personal demons, the reality is that my anxiety hasn't diminished. Sometimes I feel like my level of anxiety has worsened in the last year or two or that the dosage of my medicine is no longer enough to stabilize the chemistry of my brain (acquired resistance to medication or drug) and therefore its functions. Then again my doctor doesn't agree and he's prescribed again the same dosage for my medicines.