my son's first ever seizure, constant fear

It's been about six weeks since my son had a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I still feel a high level of panic when I see ambulance close to where we live (much too often as we live by a main route to a city hospital). I immediately think that the EMT are rushing to see my son again. Needless to say (type), I'm scared that my little boy might get another seizure regardless how much so-called experts say that the seizure could've been some random one-off event (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html).

I must admit that I can no longer remember clearly all that happened that night -- the seizure, the lights from the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, staying at the hospital about four hours and getting back home in a livery car. Maybe my mind's trying to protect itself "forgetting" this experience in order to hold on to my vanishing sanity (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2011/01/rants-keeping-myself-busy-sane.html). In all, I don't want to go through it again though I'm stuck with the role of the strong and fearless adult during this and all emergencies. As a matter of fact, as a former member of the Red Cross and someone who wanted to be a medical doctor at some point of my life, I've always been the cold and calculating individual in case of an emergency, but in this case it was my son at risk.

Previously, the only other time that I was constantly scared of ambulances and other first rescue vehicles was right after 9/11 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/fear-vs-paranoia.html). It took me then almost three years to put these fears away.

Said the latter, I'm not sure when I'll be able to get rid of my current fears.

my son's first ever seizure, what about God?

I need answers, so many answers.

Where was God in all this (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html)?

Did he forsake my son, an innocent child born sick for miserable doctors to use as a guinea pig (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html)?

Why did he let this happen to my boy (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-month-later.html)?

Did he want to kill and/or destroy my son's mind (frying his brain), health and/or life (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html)?

Is this some sort of sick celestial punishment for my sins? If so, I should suffer alone and die for my sins instead of allowing my little boy suffer (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html).

I'm angry at God for allowing my son to suffer in pain, anxiety and fear (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Why doesn't God just kill me in exchange for my boy's life?

my son's first ever seizure, daddy bye bye

Those seem to be the first words that my nine-year-old says for me as of late when I'm back from work. It's as if he won't let me in without having candy or chips or some other form of sweets for him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-laughing-in.html). Of course, he never wants to share with his two year old brother.

my son's first ever seizure, so much to do yet nothing achieved

I've got so much to read right now (a book for a course on management in two week's time; lots of material on different programming languages, frameworks and other technologies; religion; psychology and philosophy; etc), but I've got very little to no interest in reading any. I still need to organize my new apartment including a CAT-5 run from one room to another (about $15) instead of buying another 802.11 proprietary device (about $60). I could've blamed my lack of will and interest on depression, but I no longer think so. My first obligation right now is to my sick child -- a second-class human not worth bringing up to health (at least in the eyes of experts, stupid fools).

Since my nine-year old son's been sick most of his life, the attitude that I've perceived from doctors is pathetic. It seems that they prefer to as little as possible (nothing) for any child with several metabolic and nervous conditions.

My trust and faith in the medical community continues to diminish. Only one doctor's helped my son. She did more in a month than close to fifteen other "experts" in seven years, but holistic medicine (natural products like herbs) is seen as a waste of time for mainstream medics to consider. These so-called experts in medicine often come too short. I'm disgusted by modern medicine and ashamed that I considered entering the field.

Do these assholes prefer my son to suffer or worse yet die? Do they simply see my son's seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) is just taken as a secondary issue not worth worrying about or treating? All I can say is that maybe they're just too important to be bothered.

my son's first ever seizure, laughing in the face of fear, crying in the face of pain

Last night, I went to the convenience store and forgot to get my nine-year old son a bar of Hershey chocolate (as I usually do). He practically pushed me out of our apartment to get him a bar of chocolate. I got to laugh and forget my worries (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html) having my own son kicking me out of my own apartment because I forgot to buy him a bar of chocolate.

Latter last night, I also saw my boy cry and in pain for no apparent reason as he was taking a shower. I was completely useless trying to help him stop feeling whatever he was going through. I could merely hold him in my arms to show that I cared and was there to protect him. All I can think of is that this might be a left-over from the seizure. I couldn't help weeping without him seeing me (an almost forty-year-old man in shameless tears, how embarrassing).

Needless to say (type), I'm scared to death. I can't sleep well as I've been waking up several times during the night to check on him. My son's seizure's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

rants: the same rants

A friend of mine* writes about the same topic over and over. It's her way to cope with the pain that kills her inside. She'll share her pain as long as she's got an audience who'd hear her.

I do the same. I'm always complaining about my son being sick and not knowing how to help him, money, work, the demons in my head and my other problems -- that I may be willing to share, of course. I bitch about my problems so much that my friend Leia (psychologist, no less) must get tired to read the same crap in lots of my emails and hence doesn't respond to them at times. Well I wish that the latter were completely true, but she's up to her neck in work. By the way, I truly appreciate lending me her ear to tire with my issues and she knows she can do the same (again).

As bad as it may sound, we all do the same. We all hold on to a rant for days, months or years. We bitch and vent for as long as we hold on to those rants (pains), but we often forget when to let them go. It may even become a bad habit that may take a long while to unlearn.

On a personal note, I still hold on to some issues that I've had with some people for over two decades. I know it's not healthy, but betrayal (any form or level of) and teasing hurt for as long as we don't let the open wounds scar and eventually heal.

* Hey kiddo, I'm sorry if my comments hurt your feelings. Sometimes you can only let go when it's time to let go.

the prayer that we prayed yesterday that we pray today

We hold on to that same prayer that we prayed day after day. It's same prayer, same requests in different ways. When we've got someone permanently sick or hurt in our lives, we hold on to whatever, mostly on faith.

Are these pains and helplessness that we feel a technique that God uses to make us think of him? I know think so, but I wish I didn't have to. I'd like my children to healthy. I wish the same that I've wished before. I wish I could give them my health, a life to live and waste and not a life in endless pain.

tendinitis, pt. 2

So I hurt the one or more front tendons of my hand several weeks ago. Well today I almost fell climbing the stairs in the Times Square subway station. I grabbed the handrail hard to break the fall and ended pulling the tendon again. Needless to say it hurts like hell once again ($h**)! I guess I'll have to wear the splinter longer than I though (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tendinitis.html).

tendinitis

So what happens when a wrist's twisted with lots of pressure without breaking or chipping a bone? You might end up with an inflammation of a tendon or group of with swelling and pain (tendinitis; http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001229.htm).

Well that's what I got right now. It hurts like hell in all directions the tendon runs. The doctor told me to wear a brace (splinter) day and night till the pain and inflammation go away (about six weeks). At least, I didn't break or chip a bone.