rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

cheating death, on borrowed time

I've said that I live on borrowed time several times since I should have died years ago since I was born. I wasn't supposed to be born in the first place. My mother considered having an abortion, but she didn't have enough money to go through it. I almost died at 20 days of age, at 15 when my liver failed, at 17 in a bike accident where I could have broken my neck and maybe several more times that I can recall.

In all, I've cheated death by the skin of my teeth several times. This means that this time I'm living and breathing wasn't meant for me to live. This isn't my time, but yet I've got it. For some reason, God doesn't want me with him yet. There's a higher calling that I've yet found or gotten to know about.