rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

no one to trust

Growing up, my father taught me to trust no one. Ironically the person I could never trust is my own father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). In all, I don't trust people in general, but I've given my "blind" trust to a small group of people. Nonetheless that trust can never be truly blind as much as I wish it was. If any of my friends lies to me, he/she would have betrayed me and hence lost all trust being immediately disposed of.

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

a God who wants to be praised all the time

I borrowed this line from my friend Sam. Sometimes we all in one way or another outgrow the faith that we were brought up with. One day you're that little Christian boy or girl doing anything to be a perfect Christian. The next day you're almost an adult who had lost that innocence, that purity and that blind trust in humanity and/or the church that you once had. You more often see eye to eye with evil than with good. You start wondering where all that was good went to. Of course, part of you feels betrayed and the other stays vigilant to avoid being hurt or deceived again. That lack of trust pushes your religious beliefs aside as you lose confidence in the church and its people.

It's taken me over two decades to open up and try to trust again. So far, the community and clergy at FAPC have helped me regain some of that trust. It's gotten to the point where one of the pastors knows me by name and is a Facebook buddy.