rants: trembling hands

I wrote the following early last night (not edited, as if anyone cared).

"Anxiety's kicking me in the teeth right now. My right hand's trembling while my left remains fairly still. I'm in a much too crowded place and I don't feel calm at all -- regardless how much I try to keep my mind busy."

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

saving the mentally disabled

Can a person with a severe mentally disability accept God into his/her heart? I guess the disabled hasn't got the capacity to be a Christian since a person must think, learn, believe and accept God. I guess at this point the salvation of the disabled rests solely the faith of his/her parents. Then again I don't think God would punish a severe mentally disabled for his/her lack of comprehension of such an abstract concept as faith.

This could easily be the "hidden" reason that I've avoided to accept why I decided to become an ordained minister (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html). I owe it to some very dear to me. In all, there are many souls to save or simply remind God to take.

devotionals, pt. 3; a rock & roll ministry? yeah right!

I've tempted to study to become a pastor and not merely be layman (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/devotionals-pt-2.html). I know websites where one can become a "minister" with a five-minute course, but I feel this is wrong. I strongly believe that a person must get a bachelor of divinity (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bachelor_of_Divinity) at least.

Being honest to myself and to God, I must admit I don't know if I could take the endeavor of divinity studies. I could take some classes to learn more about God and to better my life and that of my children, but perhaps not to become a pastor.

Besides I'd be a weird pastor playing my electric guitar through a Marshall amp whenever I could. My defective brain (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-lack-of-faith-my-mental-disease.html) might get me trouble if I were to take such a stand. I'm too much of a (crazy, obnoxious, etc) rocker to stand in a pulpit and preach without getting enraged and probably cursing. Perhaps it's all a wrong dream.

Well for the time being, I'll continue working on technology, reading books and essays from German philosophers (Nietzsche, Kant, etc) and writing on this blog for what it's worth.

my addictive behavior

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html), I shared part of my life with a girl who had a mental and emotional condition. One reason I continued going out with her regardless of her mental condition was my need to have someone at my side. Perhaps that is the same reason why she continued coming back and holding on to the relationship for almost two years.

Fear of being alone can be addictive and self-destructing perhaps more than illegal drugs and prescription drugs. You'd continue with that person whether there's love or not, whether you're using that other person or being used. If there's no connection, a couple should break up, but as most forms of addiction it stops us from taking any reasonable decision. Hence we continue hurting ourselves regardless of the consequences including death and violence (fun sexual violence or simply physical abuse).

Perhaps this is why the lonely look for God. We all need someone at our side -- man, woman, son/daughter or one's faith. After two decades or so, I've learned that I needed to find God. Maybe I have or maybe I still need to. At this point, I'm confused (no surprise there).

just a defective brain or simply insane?

My first experience with mental decease was Sheila -- a girl I went out with on and off for about two years about two decades ago. She was loud and weird, fun and crazy, annoying and sweet. She was the classic New Yorker, but she had a medical condition that made her a bit weirder than most people in NYC.

The chemistry in her brain was a bit off (much more than mine at the time) and she scared me several times with her black-outs. She'd pass out and then wake up not knowing where she was (as hitting the reset button on a computer and wiping out its memory and all temporary files). There are parts of her life that she could never recall and maybe still can't. Not taking her medications only made her condition worse and especially dangerous at times.

I'm glad I was with her when she had some of these episodes as I made sure that she was fine. Maybe this is the reason why her mother liked me. She knew or at least felt that her only child was safe.

One day, I wasn't with her when she blacked out. She called me some time after. She didn't remember me at all. It was weird to be a stranger to a person who had known me very well. Months of her life were simply gone. Some time later, she had rebuilt her memories and infatuation (no better word to describe her often obsessive and addictive behavior) with me from her diary and friends especially.

We continued dating on and off for a little while. Some time later we stopped seeing each other. Ever since I've wondered about her mental health. I wish we could meet and talk, perhaps laugh and be friends, but I can't recall her surname.

Of course, after such a long time, my memory if these events might be wrong. Yet that brief moment of my life that we shared helped me understand and survive mental illness.

Nowadays I know many people with mental problems including myself. As a matter of fact, I never thought then that meeting her could actually save my life -- understanding that I must take medication every day just to live like "normal" person one more day.

* Sheila, if you ever read this, contact me via Twitter (@project05952381) or any way you want. Maybe we can be friends again. By the way, you'd know whose words these are just by reading this.

being a geek and Christian

My major areas of interest are computer science and other technologies, music, movies (foreign, independent and just plain weird), poetry and prose, religion and television (my TiVo) as well other areas in science (mental disorders, physics, etc). I listed these fields of interest alphabetically for fun and because of my OCD.

After bragging about myself, I must humbly explain why I did it. There's the belief that a person of science (computers in my case) is too skeptical due to lack of hard evidence to have faith in the Godhead regardless of religion.

Said the latter, at times I think too much in what science has revealed to us mortals as true and have difficulty having the kind of blind faith that religion as a cultural norm demands. My deviant behavior at times can be too much to take. For example, the burning bush (Exodus 3:1-15) wasn't consumed and my comment during Bible study was about the lack of fumes (chemical and physical changes in the carbon-based living organism) to emphasize on the miracle described in the Bible. As a matter of fact, I'm still trying to place dinosaurs in the creation of the world as explained in the book of Genesis. Sometimes it's practically impossible to marry scientific facts with religious beliefs.

1 One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian. He led the flock far into the wilderness and came to Sinai, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn't burn up. 3 "This is amazing," Moses said to himself. "Why isn't that bush burning up? I must go see it."

4 When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, "Moses! Moses!"

"Here I am!" Moses replied.

5 "Do not come any closer," the Lord warned. "Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. 6 I am the God of your father--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." When Moses heard this, he covered his face because he was afraid to look at God.

7 Then the Lord told him, "I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey--the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites now live. 9 Look! The cry of the people of Israel has reached me, and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. 10 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt."

11 But Moses protested to God, "Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?"

12 God answered, "I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain."

13 But Moses protested, "If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,' they will ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what should I tell them?"

14 God replied to Moses, "I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you." 15 God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob--has sent me to you.

This is my eternal name,
my name to remember for all generations.

Exodus 3:1-15 (KJV)

In all how does God affect science and the universe? I'm still trying to find out. Does this make some kind of science expert? No, it only makes me curious to learn and relate science and God in a way that I can argue to my atheist friends.

mental disorders and church

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder. I'm a real mental case. In my case and that of hundreds of thousands, how can religion help? Does a church of any Christian denomination help or understand or accept us?