Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.
I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).
In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.
Showing posts with label eviction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eviction. Show all posts
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
broken back, broken hope, broken faith... no God?
The government promises to be there for us when we're hurt with benefits, which are paid for in advance by our eternal tax contributions. The problem especially in NYC is that the system's corrupt.
Years ago I was unemployed (9/11, the bad economy and high unemployment that followed; 2001-03), sick and broken, about to be evicted (no money for rent), with a two-year-old diagnosed with some disease that no one really know or cares about on October 2003 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) and little money to eat. When I asked for my lawful-entitled benefits as an American citizen who had worked almost 20 years by that time, I was told that I couldn't get monetary aid (welfare, food stamps, SSI, etc) because I had no job. My lack of work was the reason why I had no money. It was a stupid chicken-and-the-egg situation to be subject to.
As I mentioned, the system's corrupt and much too often abused. Why does some lazy idiot who doesn't want to work get social benefits (cash money, vouchers for rent, food stamps and everything else that I've worked hard for) that I'm entitled to, yet denied to me and my sick child?
I even considered suicide for my family to collect some level of benefits, but I was worth nothing (no monetary compensation at all). How can a person hold on to hope, to faith, to life or to anything left at all? Where was God in all this?
By the end of 2003, I was homeless with a family and a sick child to support and take care of. At least, I was finally working, but it still hurt. I was time to rebuild and start again. At the same time, hope and faith on humanity were gone, striped from me.
It's been seven years since. I had to declare bankruptcy and have worked myself up of the pit from hell we had dwelt in. Surprisingly I still hold on to this senseless and empty faith that everything will be fine one of these days.
Was this all a test from God? If so, what was the reason or purpose of it all?
Was it all some sick joke for someone to entertain? If so, whom was it for?
Will I ever get my answers? In the meantime, I'm still rebuilding everything was robbed from me and my children -- especially my boy's health.
Where was God during these dark hours? Why did he let it (unemployment, my child's decaying health, eviction, homelessness, desperation, anxiety, pain, hopelessness, etc) happen -- worse of at the same time? Most importantly, why's my little boy been sick since?
Years ago I was unemployed (9/11, the bad economy and high unemployment that followed; 2001-03), sick and broken, about to be evicted (no money for rent), with a two-year-old diagnosed with some disease that no one really know or cares about on October 2003 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) and little money to eat. When I asked for my lawful-entitled benefits as an American citizen who had worked almost 20 years by that time, I was told that I couldn't get monetary aid (welfare, food stamps, SSI, etc) because I had no job. My lack of work was the reason why I had no money. It was a stupid chicken-and-the-egg situation to be subject to.
As I mentioned, the system's corrupt and much too often abused. Why does some lazy idiot who doesn't want to work get social benefits (cash money, vouchers for rent, food stamps and everything else that I've worked hard for) that I'm entitled to, yet denied to me and my sick child?
I even considered suicide for my family to collect some level of benefits, but I was worth nothing (no monetary compensation at all). How can a person hold on to hope, to faith, to life or to anything left at all? Where was God in all this?
By the end of 2003, I was homeless with a family and a sick child to support and take care of. At least, I was finally working, but it still hurt. I was time to rebuild and start again. At the same time, hope and faith on humanity were gone, striped from me.
It's been seven years since. I had to declare bankruptcy and have worked myself up of the pit from hell we had dwelt in. Surprisingly I still hold on to this senseless and empty faith that everything will be fine one of these days.
Was this all a test from God? If so, what was the reason or purpose of it all?
Was it all some sick joke for someone to entertain? If so, whom was it for?
Will I ever get my answers? In the meantime, I'm still rebuilding everything was robbed from me and my children -- especially my boy's health.
Where was God during these dark hours? Why did he let it (unemployment, my child's decaying health, eviction, homelessness, desperation, anxiety, pain, hopelessness, etc) happen -- worse of at the same time? Most importantly, why's my little boy been sick since?
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