ordained, three months later

Three months after being ordained by the Universal Life Church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html), my little faith's of course still tested. Maybe it'll be for the rest of my life for accepting this responsibility. My problem's that I'm not sure what I'm doing or what to really do. I'm glad the Universal Life Church website has a guide that someone like can definitely use (http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity). Of course, all this means absolutely nothing I can't even help my own son with prayer and my pains (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-dying-son.html). Maybe I'm just a sham (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/me-me-always-me.html).

my son's first ever seizure, my dying son?

As much as doctors and others tell me that my son will be fine (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html), I still feel that a part of my son died that night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). He seems to have been affected as his over all behavior's changed negatively. He's become more irritable, hyper, depressed, acting "crazy" and even dangerously reckless. I don't want him to end up taking antidepressants and/or anti-psychotics (like I do).

Maybe I'm stupidly exaggerating, but I've got a bad feeling in my mind that all these so-called experts aren't being fully honest with me. Could a next seizure or any other medical incident kill him or leave him in a comma or some other vegetative state? This isn't the type of thoughts that a parent should have. I should be worried about his grades, school and/or any troubles children are expected to do.

Needless to say (type), being so worried and afraid is taking a huge toll on my mental health falling in and out of depression (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html) or anxiety. I hope my mind's just making a sick joke on me. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I still wonder if there's anything I could do to stop my son's health from deteriorating more. If anyone cares to know, I love my son and I'm scared to death for his health, quality of life and his life in general (any possibility of death, vegetative state, etc).

For now, at least, my son might have to spend a night or two in a hospital for an EEG and whatever other test the neurologist orders. This means that I'd have to take a couple days from work and be by his side. All I know is that he'll be bored and in a rotten mood.

For some reason, I had the stupid idea of sending an email like the text above to my mother. She responded first thing this morning. One part of her email said that my son came to earth to accomplish a task -- allowing me to be a father to him. Hence if he were to die from any or all his medical condition or simply at a young age, I'd have an angel in heaven. This statement absolutely sucks!

IN ALL, I JUST HOPE I'M STUPIDLY BLOODY WRONG!

rants: a changed man

Since I was fifteen, life's been hard and many times I've been close to ending it all. I've had too many blows in my life leaving me deeply wounded and scared.

I've been through liver failure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html), days and nights of having nothing to eat and/or nowhere to sleep, seeing my children cheating death, almost two years of unemployment, dirt-poor, eviction, homelessness with my then two-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html), medical conditions of this same child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html) and even my own mental disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/02/medications-and-church.html).

In all, life's made me harsh, difficult, stubborn, bitter, resentful, careful (lack of trust), cynical, almost paranoid, psychotic, dangerous, suicidal, cruel, humble, even a better person at times and most importantly strong. I don't wish my life to anyone.

killing

The Bible says that murder is bad although there's lots of killing, death and crime in the canon.

"Thou shalt not kill."
- Exodus 20:13 KJV (1769)

Taking someone's life's against the Law of Moses (The Ten Commandments). Nonetheless killing in self-defense's not punished by religion. At the same time, killing in time of war's not punished by religion or society. It all depends who's killing whom.

"Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible avenger than the one you pray to."
- George Carlin (1937-2008), November 17, 2001

In the case of capital punishment, societies have different opinions. Those who oppose would refer to the Law of Moses. On the other side of the coin, those in favor would say, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." Extending this latter idea, it'd clearly be "a life for a life," where taking someone's life makes lots of sense if this person had killed at least one person intentionally. For the record, I support it as much as it may go against the Laws of Moses.

In the case of abortion, I'm against abortion as it's the selfish and coward murder of a child. Pro-choice's merely child-murder and those who support it are imbeciles. Further more, there's nothing worse than one's mother telling her son/daughter that she'd wanted to abort him/her. In such scenario, that child might be lucky to be alive -- my case as I cheated death for the first time (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/cheating-death-on-borrowed-time.html). My sister (two years younger than I, age 37 if she'd been given a chance to live) and other siblings whom I was never aware about weren't as lucky. As much as I hate to admit, I lost a child this way too. That's enough for me to say.

I don't care to have an opinion when it comes to killing to get rid of someone (especially other criminals). Of course, I don't have an opinion as long as it's not a child (worse than abortion) or to leave no innocent witnesses behind during other kind of crimes (becoming a candidate for capital punishment).

In all, killing may simply be a sin/crime if killing the "wrong" person in the "wrong" circumstances. After all, we've all wanted to beat someone to death, shred someone to pieces and/or simply kill someone who's done us wrong. Of course as sinners, we always find a way to excuse ourselves and still go to church the very next Sunday.

cheating death, on borrowed time

I've said that I live on borrowed time several times since I should have died years ago since I was born. I wasn't supposed to be born in the first place. My mother considered having an abortion, but she didn't have enough money to go through it. I almost died at 20 days of age, at 15 when my liver failed, at 17 in a bike accident where I could have broken my neck and maybe several more times that I can recall.

In all, I've cheated death by the skin of my teeth several times. This means that this time I'm living and breathing wasn't meant for me to live. This isn't my time, but yet I've got it. For some reason, God doesn't want me with him yet. There's a higher calling that I've yet found or gotten to know about.