no God, no Heaven... what if?

This might be sacrilege just to ask, but it's a valid question nonetheless (followed yet by a another for emphasis). What'd happen if there was no God, no Heaven, no reason to exist other than inhabiting this planet? Does this mean that our Christian values are worthless?

Said all this, I know God exists. I don't think anyone could make me change my mind. Ironically enough, I don't have any tangible proof for what I feel and hold as true. I only have my experiences (what I've seen, felt and lived) and my beliefs.

I admit that we don't know for sure as we constantly doubt, but we still believe in this invisible God (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/invisible-magical-man-in-skies.html). After all this irrational belief is what we call "faith."

Nonetheless, if there was no God at all, yes, we'd have wasted part of lives in a senseless effort to hold on a faith. At the same time, you'd have still learned to be good people.

The problem with that last comment at times is just too obvious. We're usually only good to those like us (similar core values, beliefs, interests, etc) and we reject everyone else.

invisible, magical man in the skies

For many, God (the concept of the Godhead) is merely an invisible and magical man in the skies.

The idea of sky comes from the three-tier ideology of the nature of earth with God residing in the skies (Heaven) while the demons living in the center of earth (hell) and humans merely inhabiting the face of earth. At the same time, the idea of God being invisible and magical is merely the limitation of our human understanding as we try to personify God to understand him. We commonly fail to see God in nature, the ground we walk on, the skies, the seas, the cosmos, other worlds, all known, all unknown and creation as a whole (Lectio Divina). Alas he's all around us -- hence in all places at the same time, looking after us all the time, knowing it all at all times (omnipotent, omniscient).

In any case, I do worship and have faith on this invisible and magical man in the skies -- as irrational as it may seem, beyond human understanding.

broken back, broken hope, broken faith... no God?

The government promises to be there for us when we're hurt with benefits, which are paid for in advance by our eternal tax contributions. The problem especially in NYC is that the system's corrupt.

Years ago I was unemployed (9/11, the bad economy and high unemployment that followed; 2001-03), sick and broken, about to be evicted (no money for rent), with a two-year-old diagnosed with some disease that no one really know or cares about on October 2003 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) and little money to eat. When I asked for my lawful-entitled benefits as an American citizen who had worked almost 20 years by that time, I was told that I couldn't get monetary aid (welfare, food stamps, SSI, etc) because I had no job. My lack of work was the reason why I had no money. It was a stupid chicken-and-the-egg situation to be subject to.

As I mentioned, the system's corrupt and much too often abused. Why does some lazy idiot who doesn't want to work get social benefits (cash money, vouchers for rent, food stamps and everything else that I've worked hard for) that I'm entitled to, yet denied to me and my sick child?

I even considered suicide for my family to collect some level of benefits, but I was worth nothing (no monetary compensation at all). How can a person hold on to hope, to faith, to life or to anything left at all? Where was God in all this?

By the end of 2003, I was homeless with a family and a sick child to support and take care of. At least, I was finally working, but it still hurt. I was time to rebuild and start again. At the same time, hope and faith on humanity were gone, striped from me.

It's been seven years since. I had to declare bankruptcy and have worked myself up of the pit from hell we had dwelt in. Surprisingly I still hold on to this senseless and empty faith that everything will be fine one of these days.

Was this all a test from God? If so, what was the reason or purpose of it all?

Was it all some sick joke for someone to entertain? If so, whom was it for?

Will I ever get my answers? In the meantime, I'm still rebuilding everything was robbed from me and my children -- especially my boy's health.

Where was God during these dark hours? Why did he let it (unemployment, my child's decaying health, eviction, homelessness, desperation, anxiety, pain, hopelessness, etc) happen -- worse of at the same time? Most importantly, why's my little boy been sick since?

happy 9th birthday, my little boy, my sick child as you keep running against time

As I mentioned a little back ago (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html), my second child (9) has been sick most if not all of his life. It's been a constant race against time to find a cure for whatever he really has (diagnosed with this and that, yet still unknown and hence incurable) before he gets any older.

He deserves to live a "normal" life and enjoy a "normal" childhood. Needless to say, I'd give my life or my health for him to be healthy. If it were so easy, I'd have done it a while ago.

I guess I can only continue looking for the right doctor and the right therapy, reading about new cures and therapies while praying and holding to an empty faith. I often wonder if I've done something so bad that I must now pay with my little boy's health and life -- some twisted form of punishment that slowly robs my son's life.

The pain and desperation of seeing my little boy helplessly sick was one of reasons that brought me back to God (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html). If this was the reason for my child to be unhealthy (so many doctors, so many hospitals, so much medicine that has done more damage than good if any good at all), the purpose was fulfilled. Yet he's still plagued with medical conditions.

These past eight years or so have been hard to bear -- some days much more than others. I hope God gives me the strength not to lose my cool and be able to be the father my little boy needs.

"I have had patients of my own so well in hand that they could be turned at a moment's notice from impassioned prayer for a wife's or son's 'soul' to beating or insulting the real wife or son without a qualm."
CS Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

At the end of the day, he'd fall asleep in my arms as he usually does and give me a hard time to go to school or therapy the following morning.

At the end of the day, I love my little boy and will take care of him even after I die -- making plans and preparations for something I wish I'd never have to rely on.

Then again perhaps I should take the following message from a dear friend of mine.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
-- Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV

Nonetheless I just can't leave it in God's hands. I must try all possible solutions, therapies and/or cures. I just pray for God to guide me to the correct solution, therapy and cure. I know God will deliver, but I don't know when or what.

* Enjoy your birthday, my little monkey. Daddy loves you now and always.

my addictive behavior

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html), I shared part of my life with a girl who had a mental and emotional condition. One reason I continued going out with her regardless of her mental condition was my need to have someone at my side. Perhaps that is the same reason why she continued coming back and holding on to the relationship for almost two years.

Fear of being alone can be addictive and self-destructing perhaps more than illegal drugs and prescription drugs. You'd continue with that person whether there's love or not, whether you're using that other person or being used. If there's no connection, a couple should break up, but as most forms of addiction it stops us from taking any reasonable decision. Hence we continue hurting ourselves regardless of the consequences including death and violence (fun sexual violence or simply physical abuse).

Perhaps this is why the lonely look for God. We all need someone at our side -- man, woman, son/daughter or one's faith. After two decades or so, I've learned that I needed to find God. Maybe I have or maybe I still need to. At this point, I'm confused (no surprise there).

my sick child (happy fathers day)

Having and taking care of a child is difficult within itself. If the child is sick or handicapped, it's a much harder responsibility, but you gladly embrace it harder than your life itself.

My 8-year-old (9 next month) is sick and handicapped. It's been a roller coaster ride looking for a cure or the best therapy/care. Within his condition that has affected his nervous system and absorption of nutrients (similar to Celiac decease), there are several schools of though from conventional medications to trying to rebuild the damaged soft tissues (stomach, nerves, chemical reactions, etc).

Right now we're working with a doctor in Eastchester, about two hours away from where I live, who's helped my little boy in about eight months more than all these other doctors in the past eight years. If anyone's interested in getting touch with this doctor, contact me via Twitter (@project05952381).

It's been over eight years holding on to my faith on a cure and/or therapy that we keep looking. This blind faith that God would lead us to a cure and/or therapy for my little boy might be the reason why I started going back to church (whatever Christian denomination) and eventually opted for FAPC (http://www.fapc.prg/). I even had my youngest boys baptized at FAPC (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/05/two-baptisms-two-wet-ones-to-go-please.html).

In all, I keep holding on to my blind and at times senseless faith. I know God will deliver, but I wish I knew when and what. In all, everyone has a cross to bear and mine is my child, my beautiful sick child.

two baptisms, two wet ones to go please, pt.2

I'm having my two youngest boys baptized in late June. For the younger of the two (1), it'd be a regular baptism with the normal 40-minute preparation class earlier that week. For the older one (7), I might have to do a reaffirmation of faith on his name. Well children are baptized as an extension of faith of the parents. Nonetheless I don't know what to expect. After all, my oldest child (17) was baptized in a Catholic (not Protestant, not Presbyterian no less) church with water and oil and I can't recall any prior preparation.