rants: money & debts

At work, I get paid every two Thursdays (direct deposit available on Friday). It's not a lot, but it's a secure job and pay. From this money I pay my bills and rent. I also try to pay medical expenses and some other needs, which means putting these expenses on my credit card. In all, I usually end with less than $100 left over from paycheck to paycheck

Having a sick child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/raising-sick-child-afraid-of-future.html) and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html).

Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.

What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.

worst father ever, me (maybe)

Then again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-father-ever-me.html), sometimes I think I'm so bad of a father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Only time and God would tell.

worst father ever, me

I do everything possible for my boys, but whatever I do is and will never be enough and I've got need to sugarcoat it.

1. I'm not there for my oldest child (19). It doesn't matter how much I miss him. I haven't been with him in the good and bad. I've truly failed him regardless how many times he may say otherwise.
2. My middle child (9) was diagnosed with a disorder when he was a still practically a baby. For the past seven to eight years, there's been very little that I've been able to accomplish to improve his quality of life, but he's not healed.
3. My youngest (2) seems to be healthy as all his tests come back clean (perhaps inconclusive, maybe too early to tell). Perhaps he doesn't feel loved and/or cared for appropriately since taking care of my second child (his own brother) demands lots of time and effort, but he doesn't know how to express it or simply can't -- at least, not as of yet. At times I can't give my youngest everything he wants (toys especially) since most of the money I earn is spent on medications and therapies for my middle child.

It's depressing to fall short for my children. I'm practically taking from one child to give to the other. Further more, I don't like the possible wrong "values" that I may be teaching my three boys. Having them baptized as Christians isn't enough.

raising a sick child, afraid of the future

Raising a sick child is difficult without a doubt. I'm still figuring out how to make sure my son's quality of life -- after I die -- remains acceptable. So far, I've gotten little progress and I'm worried of whatever's to come. I definitely don't want to give my older son the responsibility of looking after his little brother, but it seems that I'd have to. It's unfair for my older child and my younger boy should be in a better position to care for himself fully (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/yet-another-blow.html).

growing old(er)

Being 39 is surely a weird experience. Then again I'd never been 39 before. I've got gray hair for the past several years -- hence no real big deal. This morning I was looking carefully at the loosening soft tissues (skin and muscle tone) on my face. One thing always in my mind is my health. I've got some medical conditions (a defective brain, a bad valve in the heart, weight, etc), some which are the result of years of physical abuse.

I've got several obligations -- especially taking care of my three boys.

My oldest boy's turning 19 next week. He's at the age where he's got a girlfriend, could work and have his own money, be sexually active (not yet due to his strong Roman Catholic upbringing) and even have children. The way I see it selfishly is that I don't want to be a grandfather yet.

My second child (9) has been sick most (if not all) of his life. He's definitely the most difficult challenge involving doctors, therapies and even a special diet.

My third child (2) is simply a walking accident waiting-to-happen. His only issue's been his Italian temper.

why!?

It's become difficult to cultivate Christianity in my two younger children. I can't take them to church like other parents take their kids. I tried once. They got restless and even confused especially standing up and sitting down several during the service. My boys thought we were leaving when I stood up at the beginning of worship.

Why can't I take my children to church with me and have them by my side during worship? My nine-year-old with his medical condition was uncomfortable and actually had to eat during the service. I feel like I'm torturing them putting them in a situation that they're not familiar with.

Meanwhile some of the few people (friends and acquaintances) who know about my nine-year-old's health have shown some level of respect or consideration that I've gone to church every Sunday for over two straight years. Some even see this as a way to "save" their souls.

A pastor even called me this past Friday to check on me. She asked me about my nine-year-old's health. It was strange for me to get that call. After all she's practically a stranger and yet she's worried about my sick child. She even mentioned that she admired me for taking care of my sick little boy. After all, it's my obligation to care for him and I gladly do it.

the prayer that we prayed yesterday that we pray today

We hold on to that same prayer that we prayed day after day. It's same prayer, same requests in different ways. When we've got someone permanently sick or hurt in our lives, we hold on to whatever, mostly on faith.

Are these pains and helplessness that we feel a technique that God uses to make us think of him? I know think so, but I wish I didn't have to. I'd like my children to healthy. I wish the same that I've wished before. I wish I could give them my health, a life to live and waste and not a life in endless pain.

yet another blow

So my two-year-old might also be sick according to medical evaluation this morning.

What in the bloody fuck did I do for my children to suffer?

Times like this make me wonder if there's really a god.

What must I do to get my children healthy? Must I give my life? If so, tell me when and where.

My body hurts. My soul hurts while my eyes cry in pain.

the little monkey

With the health issues that my nine-year-old has, I often forget about my other boys (2 & 18), especially my two-year-old. My youngest (my little monkey) seems healthy enough, but as of late he seems to show the same characteristics that my nine-year-old (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) had at the age of two.

I'm worried for my youngest two boys. It's hard enough to care for my second child as it is and having my youngest go through the same nightmare would just be much more heartbreaking (if not finish killing me once and for all). Could life be so cruel that my two youngest boys are indeed sick?

As I usually say, everyone has a cross to bear and mine is my children's health. What worries most is who'll take care of them when I die. I've got faith that God will some day heal my nine-year-old. I only have my faith right now, all that's left with my sanity long time gone.

broken back, broken hope, broken faith... no God?

The government promises to be there for us when we're hurt with benefits, which are paid for in advance by our eternal tax contributions. The problem especially in NYC is that the system's corrupt.

Years ago I was unemployed (9/11, the bad economy and high unemployment that followed; 2001-03), sick and broken, about to be evicted (no money for rent), with a two-year-old diagnosed with some disease that no one really know or cares about on October 2003 (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-9th-birthday-my-little-boy.html) and little money to eat. When I asked for my lawful-entitled benefits as an American citizen who had worked almost 20 years by that time, I was told that I couldn't get monetary aid (welfare, food stamps, SSI, etc) because I had no job. My lack of work was the reason why I had no money. It was a stupid chicken-and-the-egg situation to be subject to.

As I mentioned, the system's corrupt and much too often abused. Why does some lazy idiot who doesn't want to work get social benefits (cash money, vouchers for rent, food stamps and everything else that I've worked hard for) that I'm entitled to, yet denied to me and my sick child?

I even considered suicide for my family to collect some level of benefits, but I was worth nothing (no monetary compensation at all). How can a person hold on to hope, to faith, to life or to anything left at all? Where was God in all this?

By the end of 2003, I was homeless with a family and a sick child to support and take care of. At least, I was finally working, but it still hurt. I was time to rebuild and start again. At the same time, hope and faith on humanity were gone, striped from me.

It's been seven years since. I had to declare bankruptcy and have worked myself up of the pit from hell we had dwelt in. Surprisingly I still hold on to this senseless and empty faith that everything will be fine one of these days.

Was this all a test from God? If so, what was the reason or purpose of it all?

Was it all some sick joke for someone to entertain? If so, whom was it for?

Will I ever get my answers? In the meantime, I'm still rebuilding everything was robbed from me and my children -- especially my boy's health.

Where was God during these dark hours? Why did he let it (unemployment, my child's decaying health, eviction, homelessness, desperation, anxiety, pain, hopelessness, etc) happen -- worse of at the same time? Most importantly, why's my little boy been sick since?

happy 9th birthday, my little boy, my sick child as you keep running against time

As I mentioned a little back ago (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-sick-child.html), my second child (9) has been sick most if not all of his life. It's been a constant race against time to find a cure for whatever he really has (diagnosed with this and that, yet still unknown and hence incurable) before he gets any older.

He deserves to live a "normal" life and enjoy a "normal" childhood. Needless to say, I'd give my life or my health for him to be healthy. If it were so easy, I'd have done it a while ago.

I guess I can only continue looking for the right doctor and the right therapy, reading about new cures and therapies while praying and holding to an empty faith. I often wonder if I've done something so bad that I must now pay with my little boy's health and life -- some twisted form of punishment that slowly robs my son's life.

The pain and desperation of seeing my little boy helplessly sick was one of reasons that brought me back to God (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html). If this was the reason for my child to be unhealthy (so many doctors, so many hospitals, so much medicine that has done more damage than good if any good at all), the purpose was fulfilled. Yet he's still plagued with medical conditions.

These past eight years or so have been hard to bear -- some days much more than others. I hope God gives me the strength not to lose my cool and be able to be the father my little boy needs.

"I have had patients of my own so well in hand that they could be turned at a moment's notice from impassioned prayer for a wife's or son's 'soul' to beating or insulting the real wife or son without a qualm."
CS Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

At the end of the day, he'd fall asleep in my arms as he usually does and give me a hard time to go to school or therapy the following morning.

At the end of the day, I love my little boy and will take care of him even after I die -- making plans and preparations for something I wish I'd never have to rely on.

Then again perhaps I should take the following message from a dear friend of mine.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
-- Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV

Nonetheless I just can't leave it in God's hands. I must try all possible solutions, therapies and/or cures. I just pray for God to guide me to the correct solution, therapy and cure. I know God will deliver, but I don't know when or what.

* Enjoy your birthday, my little monkey. Daddy loves you now and always.

my sick child (happy fathers day)

Having and taking care of a child is difficult within itself. If the child is sick or handicapped, it's a much harder responsibility, but you gladly embrace it harder than your life itself.

My 8-year-old (9 next month) is sick and handicapped. It's been a roller coaster ride looking for a cure or the best therapy/care. Within his condition that has affected his nervous system and absorption of nutrients (similar to Celiac decease), there are several schools of though from conventional medications to trying to rebuild the damaged soft tissues (stomach, nerves, chemical reactions, etc).

Right now we're working with a doctor in Eastchester, about two hours away from where I live, who's helped my little boy in about eight months more than all these other doctors in the past eight years. If anyone's interested in getting touch with this doctor, contact me via Twitter (@project05952381).

It's been over eight years holding on to my faith on a cure and/or therapy that we keep looking. This blind faith that God would lead us to a cure and/or therapy for my little boy might be the reason why I started going back to church (whatever Christian denomination) and eventually opted for FAPC (http://www.fapc.prg/). I even had my youngest boys baptized at FAPC (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/05/two-baptisms-two-wet-ones-to-go-please.html).

In all, I keep holding on to my blind and at times senseless faith. I know God will deliver, but I wish I knew when and what. In all, everyone has a cross to bear and mine is my child, my beautiful sick child.

summer sickness

Summer is finally here. Regardless how much many people like hot weather, I truly hate it. This season makes me literally sick and nauseous all the time. I prefer fall and winter when I don't feel sick.

Now what does this have to do with the main theme of the blog? It has no thing really aside from the fact that it's my sole opinion.