not taking my medications

There are days that I forget to take my medications or simply don't. These are the days that I wonder about true nature. I simply act different, what I'd describe as dark and evil. Could this mean that I take medicine to simply drown my anger, hate and over all the real me -- to alter my (evil) nature? Am I better off dead? Is it me being a Christian a mere farce?

my breakfast before breakfast

This is what I take every morning. By the way, I'm not including names (sorry, no advert).

• 2 capsules of antipsychotics
• 2 capsules of antidepressants
• 1 pill for ADD
• 1 pill for high blood pressure
• 1 pill for allergies
• 1 pill for cholesterol (natural supplement)
• 1 capsule of garlic (natural supplement)
• 1 capsule of vitamin C (natural supplement)
• 1 capsule of charcoal to eliminate toxins, this week (natural supplement)

This is a total of 11 pills and capsules. I might forgetting one or two pills for something. I can't recall.

modern medicine, what a sham

What can we do when modern medicine's limited, archaic and simply wrong? Most of the doctors (99%) I've met don't or refuse to understand what some diseases really are. These men and women of science have all their faith drugs and whatever some authority has written in stone.

Medicine actually is the comparison of individuals to determine what's correct/healthy (higher population, normal) and what's not (lower population, abnormal). Medicine fails to see that some individuals are simply structured differently. For example, in ADD a person may hold two separate thoughts at the same time while "normal" persons are limited to one at any given time. It'd be a no-brainer to think that the person who can process two different thoughts at the same time was born with a gift, but medicine and society say otherwise and rather drug the individual to restrain his/her extra mental capacity.

Now what happens to that other 1% of the medical community -- those who can see beyond some old book and erroneous science? The federal government even has had the audacity to limit doctors to whatever the government consider "healthy" and correct body function. If a doctor refuses to follow government established regulations, the doctor could be punished. This means that these "not mainstream" doctors are marginalized and even ridiculed. Some of these doctors can't even be paid by health insurance companies. Hence they only accept cash.

Said all this, the doctor who sees my nine-year-old is one of these doctors outside mainstream medicine. She helped my son much more in a month than the twenty or more mainstream doctors who had seen my son for some seven years of his life.

Well at the end of the day (or rather early morning), I continue taking medication to live one day at a time.

dead in church

I'm clearly psychotic. I actually thought about jumping from a fifth floor window in church today. I even thought that it'd have been a cool thing to do. I was able to ignore the open window and continue with my day. Needless to say, I took my medications (not taken in 48 hours) as soon as I got to my apartment.

rants: my medications

For the past four years, I've taken Lamictal (anti-psychotic, bipolar disorder), Prozac (antidepressant) and Adderall (stimulant to control attention deficit disorder). For the past two years, I've also taken medication for high blood pressure triggered by Adderall. It's somewhat of an expensive cocktail from hell to control my emotions and lack of concentration.

The biggest problem with Adderall is the Patriot Act, which made it a highly controlled substance. This means waiting for at least a week for my prescription to be ready and at times having no medicine days or weeks at a time. Taking a highly "controlled substance" makes me feel like a junkie in need for a fix. After all, I do need Adderall as a medicine.

Now the biggest two problems or side effects with the rest of the medicine are increased appetite and extreme fatigue (all day long drowsiness, fatigue; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/rants-dozing-off.html). The side effect of Adderall are helping me stay awake and cut down my appetite. Surprisingly enough the side effects from these medicines cancel out the side effects of one another.

rants: dozing off

I've felt so tired that I could barely stay awake all day. I kept dozing off a minute here and there. Of course, the weather didn't help (constant rain, all day long) as it was perfect to stay in bed all day. I keep thinking that I may pass out at any time, any where, due to the medications that I take (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/depression-allergies-motherload.html). I can't wait to start taking the other medicine that I need, which keeps me awake (good side effect, considering that the others make me heavily drowsy).

depression & allergies (the motherload)

To make matters worse, in the past couple of days my allergies are also making feel worse. This means taking more medication. Of course, the problem with taking the amount of medication I need to take every morning -- aside tolerance and possible addiction -- is being drowsy all day and passing out at anytime and anywhere (especially at work and in church).

my addictive behavior

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/just-defective-brain-or-simply-insane.html), I shared part of my life with a girl who had a mental and emotional condition. One reason I continued going out with her regardless of her mental condition was my need to have someone at my side. Perhaps that is the same reason why she continued coming back and holding on to the relationship for almost two years.

Fear of being alone can be addictive and self-destructing perhaps more than illegal drugs and prescription drugs. You'd continue with that person whether there's love or not, whether you're using that other person or being used. If there's no connection, a couple should break up, but as most forms of addiction it stops us from taking any reasonable decision. Hence we continue hurting ourselves regardless of the consequences including death and violence (fun sexual violence or simply physical abuse).

Perhaps this is why the lonely look for God. We all need someone at our side -- man, woman, son/daughter or one's faith. After two decades or so, I've learned that I needed to find God. Maybe I have or maybe I still need to. At this point, I'm confused (no surprise there).

just a defective brain or simply insane?

My first experience with mental decease was Sheila -- a girl I went out with on and off for about two years about two decades ago. She was loud and weird, fun and crazy, annoying and sweet. She was the classic New Yorker, but she had a medical condition that made her a bit weirder than most people in NYC.

The chemistry in her brain was a bit off (much more than mine at the time) and she scared me several times with her black-outs. She'd pass out and then wake up not knowing where she was (as hitting the reset button on a computer and wiping out its memory and all temporary files). There are parts of her life that she could never recall and maybe still can't. Not taking her medications only made her condition worse and especially dangerous at times.

I'm glad I was with her when she had some of these episodes as I made sure that she was fine. Maybe this is the reason why her mother liked me. She knew or at least felt that her only child was safe.

One day, I wasn't with her when she blacked out. She called me some time after. She didn't remember me at all. It was weird to be a stranger to a person who had known me very well. Months of her life were simply gone. Some time later, she had rebuilt her memories and infatuation (no better word to describe her often obsessive and addictive behavior) with me from her diary and friends especially.

We continued dating on and off for a little while. Some time later we stopped seeing each other. Ever since I've wondered about her mental health. I wish we could meet and talk, perhaps laugh and be friends, but I can't recall her surname.

Of course, after such a long time, my memory if these events might be wrong. Yet that brief moment of my life that we shared helped me understand and survive mental illness.

Nowadays I know many people with mental problems including myself. As a matter of fact, I never thought then that meeting her could actually save my life -- understanding that I must take medication every day just to live like "normal" person one more day.

* Sheila, if you ever read this, contact me via Twitter (@project05952381) or any way you want. Maybe we can be friends again. By the way, you'd know whose words these are just by reading this.

no longer enough

As much as religion (going to church, Bible study, being an active or some what active member of the congregation, volunteering and even becoming a member of FAPC) has helped me tame my personal demons, the reality is that my anxiety hasn't diminished. Sometimes I feel like my level of anxiety has worsened in the last year or two or that the dosage of my medicine is no longer enough to stabilize the chemistry of my brain (acquired resistance to medication or drug) and therefore its functions. Then again my doctor doesn't agree and he's prescribed again the same dosage for my medicines.

me, me, always me

Although I'm taking my medicines, I'm so depressed that my body aches. I've got to find comfort in little things like several cups of hot coffee during the day.

Right now, I've got no interest in working or doing some of the things that I normally enjoy doing. I just want to sleep, forget and disappear. I feel so lonely that I want to talk to someone who can cheer me up. Of course, all my friends are gone or busy and I've got no one to talk to right now.

I'm so worried about money that I can't relax. I'm waiting for my income tax refund so I can pay part of the money that I owe (bills, credit card debt, loans, etc).

This seems like textbook depression. This is also where religion and going to church help me out. It's therapeutic as it brings me momentary peace (some sort of escape from my reality).

I admit that I use religion to get that personal peace and tranquility that I constantly seek. Therefore I might not the good Christian whom I try to become and my whole effort might simply be a sham after all.

So the question remains. Am I lying to myself? Am I the liar whom everyone accuses me to be?