defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

as music saved my soul (the dance of life), pt 2

As I mentioned before, music saved or was used to save me (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life.html). Music's always been an important part of my life. My favorite music genre is rock & roll (especially hard rock) covering a huge variety of sub-genres and styles (modes, instruments from guitars to polyphonic synthesizers, influences, tempo changes, etc). Although this music genre is still considered negative and even ungodly by many people (religious people especially), rock & roll has had religious overtones since its beginnings in the 1950's. This tradition has continued to be true for close to six decades.

Several artists recognize that they often fail to do what God wants us to do and they ask God for mercy in their music. Although these artists may not be like Stryper (http://www.stryper.com/) worshiping God on every song and giving out Bibles in every concert, they do ask for God's help and mercy while holding on to their bad-boy persona.

Right after rock & roll, I like country music, from which rockabilly and then rock & roll came to be. As with rock & roll, with little to no doubt, country music has been very religious since the American South is still Christian country.

Nonetheless these are two forms of having one's faith in one's art and/or feelings. At least on a personal level, I prefer being the sinner constantly asking for God's help and mercy.

Needless to say, most rock & roll and country music alike also deal with humanity, pains, joy, love, sex, heartbreak, drinking, drugs, plenty of sinful acts and many not so-godly topics. Nonetheless within the sin and depravity, many artists do have and have shown deep religious beliefs and/or have God in their lives.

What bothers me is that nowadays expressing one's faith is not politically/socially correct. What happened to the nation founded under deep Christian beliefs where a one can't openly mention God without hurting someone else? Is this really the end of this great Christian nation (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/end-of-this-great-christian-nation.html; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/end-of-this-great-christian-nation-pt-2.html) where one could share one's religious beliefs in one's art -- especially music?

as music saved my soul (the dance of life)

In those moments of deep depression and self-hatred, when I wanted to end it all, You were there with songs like 'Escape' from Metallica (Ride The Lighting, Megaforce Worldwide 1984, http://www.metallica.com/Media/Albums/albums.asp?album_id=2). Music saved my life as I realized that the bloody and selfish peer pressure to be like them was stupid and a mere sham. Music stopped my suicide and self-injurious life to escape my life and start anew like a diamond and rust*. Two decades later, I wonder if music saved my life or if it was a mere vehicle to stop me from ending my life. As music saved my soul, maybe God supplied the music for me to continue the Dance. Now I can dance the Dance of Life thanks to the music that saved my life and twisted soul.

to hell and back

Religion can be included in parapsychology (study, understanding, dealing with the supernatural like ghosts and demons; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parapsychology). The belief of Satan (Lucifer, Hades, the Anti-Christ) and Hell (the Kingdom of Hades, the Underworld, the Void, etc) are a part of many religions and an essential part of Christianity.

I've experienced horror that may only be explained as spiritual yet demonic. For a long while, I couldn't sleep because of the horror of feeling what I understood then as my soul ripping and escaping my trembling body. Now adding this experience to the rest of the paranormal horror that I've gone through (haunting, possession, etc), I'm convinced beyond doubt that both Hell and Heaven do exist -- hence the existence of pure evil and pure good, a Devil and a God.

my purpose of going to church

My decision to go to a church or temple for a sermon or prayer is to simply find peace for my tortured soul (as a friend once called me). It's the same reason I watch the 700 Club (http://www.cbn.com/700club/) and listen to Joel Osteen (http://www.joelosteen.com/). It's not for the salvation of my soul though, but rather for my sanity.