what little faith I've got (today)...

I don't feel the same faith I had about a year ago. I've got lots of doubts about this belief system we call Christianity, its Jewish heritage and anything referred to as divine. Nonetheless I nominated myself for the position of deacon at church this past week. To my surprise, this morning someone asked me if he could nominate me too. Could it be that I'm worthy of some level of religious trust (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/me-sore-loser.html)?

walking by a Lutheran church: a little friendly confrontation

Yesterday I walked by the same Lutheran church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/walking-by-lutheran-church.html) as its small congregation was getting ready for service. I felt weird walking by and looking in through its large glass windows. At some point, I'd considered going to this church for at least one service, but all I can say is that some people can't handle a little friendly confrontation discussing differences in secondary Christian beliefs and/or practices. In the end, I've opted not to visit this church (at least for the time being), to remain curious and to simply continue going to FAPC as originally planned. Said all this, I guess I must emphasize on the following.

1. The clergy in that Lutheran church were welcoming, seemed honest and offered me a place to worship. My comments are by no means an insult or other level of offense to the clergy of such church and/or the church itself.
2. I do respect the ideology of the Lutheran Church although I didn't quite agree with all of it (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-born-dead-in.html).
3. I also respect all material written to God, from God, for God by any group of Christians. Of course, this by no means forces me to agree with it all or any of it at all.

not taking my medications

There are days that I forget to take my medications or simply don't. These are the days that I wonder about true nature. I simply act different, what I'd describe as dark and evil. Could this mean that I take medicine to simply drown my anger, hate and over all the real me -- to alter my (evil) nature? Am I better off dead? Is it me being a Christian a mere farce?

religion as a system of superstition

Risking the possibility of being labeled a heretic or worse, religion can be seen as a form of system of superstition by an outsider since we often do things or avoid doing others in order to please God. The thought that some action done or avoided has control over of life or fate could easily be laughed at.

For example, in the Catholic doctrine, which I grew up with, if a person fails to go to church on a Sunday, he/she has automatically committed a mortal sin and fallen off God's Grace. This means that, in the case of that person's death, he/she would be cast to hell or the purgatory -- mortal sin. I grew up with this "superstition" engraved in my soul.

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-sunday-08012010.html

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/15-weeks-later.html

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html

I hope it's depression (BPD; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/search/label/depression) and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.

welcoming new members

Every church needs to be funded (electricity, gas, etc) and everyone working in a church needs to pay rent and bills (salaries, wages, etc). Hence a church relies on funds received from the congregation. This is perhaps the second reason why churches need members -- the main reason being a common faith and doctrine system.

These members are people who go to a particular church practically every Sunday, help cover costs and participate in various areas of the church willingly and expected to (myself included). This interpretation of what it means to be a member of a church might sound a bit harsh for some, but isn't this what it means to be a Christian in the first place?

Working with new members is often a strange and fondly interesting experience. New members sometimes don't know what to expect of the church (building, congregation, ministries, etc). When I've been asked to help welcoming new members, I've had to sit with them during breakfast (the day they're accepted and introduced as new members of the church) and give them a better idea what the church is and especially what it's not. Most importantly, being a member of a Christian congregation means being part of the Church and the household of God.

By the way, I want to point out that I'm fond of being a Christian and being a member of FAPC. I also thank this church for the opportunities it's given me to be part of the Church and be able serve God.

A message on People Living With Disabilities (ELCA)

As usual, I'm curious about the different groups in the Church. In the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) website (http://www.elca.org/), I found a paper on the responsibility of society and especially the Church to the disabled -- not limited to the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America or any one denomination.

"Political rhetoric increasingly expresses the belief that the economic cost of providing accessibility or other means for enabling participation in society for people with disabilities is too high or not worth the benefit to society."

"A message on People Living With Disabilities"
http://www.elca.org/~/media/Images/Department%20for%20Studies/Disabilities/PeopleLivWithDisabl%20UnformattedAdoptedText.pdf

As much as we should protect and help the needy, this obligation shouldn't be out of pity, but rather out of the morality of being a Christian.

As I've mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/prayer-for-disabled.html), I've advocated for the disabled for a while. As most advocates for the disabled, someone truly important to me is disabled and I'm that person's care giver.

It feels good to hear someone else say and write the same ideas I've had (quote above from ELCA) without the proper medium to protest. The only problem for many years has been that no one cares to listen about the poor quality of life that the disabled are left with.

worst father ever, me (maybe)

Then again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-father-ever-me.html), sometimes I think I'm so bad of a father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Only time and God would tell.

worst father ever, me

I do everything possible for my boys, but whatever I do is and will never be enough and I've got need to sugarcoat it.

1. I'm not there for my oldest child (19). It doesn't matter how much I miss him. I haven't been with him in the good and bad. I've truly failed him regardless how many times he may say otherwise.
2. My middle child (9) was diagnosed with a disorder when he was a still practically a baby. For the past seven to eight years, there's been very little that I've been able to accomplish to improve his quality of life, but he's not healed.
3. My youngest (2) seems to be healthy as all his tests come back clean (perhaps inconclusive, maybe too early to tell). Perhaps he doesn't feel loved and/or cared for appropriately since taking care of my second child (his own brother) demands lots of time and effort, but he doesn't know how to express it or simply can't -- at least, not as of yet. At times I can't give my youngest everything he wants (toys especially) since most of the money I earn is spent on medications and therapies for my middle child.

It's depressing to fall short for my children. I'm practically taking from one child to give to the other. Further more, I don't like the possible wrong "values" that I may be teaching my three boys. Having them baptized as Christians isn't enough.

walking by a Lutheran church: born dead in sin

I'm still slowly reading "This We Believe" (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-this-we.html) while taking notes and highlighting key parts of the text. In any event, I just found a little something that bothers me.

"5. We believe that Adam and Eve lost their divine image when they yielded to the temptation of Satan and disobeyed God's command. This brought upon them the judgment of God: "You will surely die" (Genesis 2:17). Since that time all people are conceived and born in a sinful condition (Psalm 51:5) and are inclined only to evil (Genesis 8:21). "Flesh gives birth to flesh" (John 3:6). Since all people are by nature dead in sin and separated from God (Ephesians 2:1), they are unable to reconcile themselves to God by their own efforts and deeds."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/creation-man-and-sin

There are two schools of though on this regard.

1. One says that we're born in sin and hence evil by default. Therefore we need to break out of our human nature and flesh. This seems to be Lutheran perspective. Even if my interpretation were dead wrong, I don't like the whole fire and brimstone gimmick (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/tough-sale-mean-business.html).
2. In the other hand, the other school of thought teaches us that we're good by nature (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/many-faces-flavors-recipes-for.html) and we need to escape sin to be back with God. This is more likely the Presbyterian point of view. After all, I believe and want to believe in a loving God, not a vengeful God (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html). I just hope I'm not wrong.

As a disclaimer, I must emphasize that my opinion's no means a way or form of offense to anyone reading or not reading this or any text I've written.

walking by a Lutheran church: this we believe

As I mentioned before (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/walking-by-lutheran-church-no-930.html), I started reading "This We Believe" from the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod website (http://www.wels.net/). I'm including two quotes that have made me think what it means to be a "true" Christian. Of course, I might be wrong.

Although I've heard the concept that the Old Testament predicted the coming of Jesus many times before, the words in the following quote made this concept clearer to understand and believe.

"5. We believe that the entire Bible is Christ-centered. In the Old Testament God repeatedly promised a divine deliverer from sin, death, and hell. The New Testament proclaims that this promised deliverer has come in the person of Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus himself says of the Old Testament, 'These are the Scriptures that testify about me' (John 5:39)."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/gods-revelation

Maybe I'm desperate to understand and find God that I'm too naive to be eagerly attracted to any likable text (not saying that such text could be wrong, as of yet). I just fail to question my beliefs at times. I also fail to remember that people are imperfect and that human understanding and comprehension are painfully limited.

Then again I should point out that the following quote also from "This We Believe" makes lots of sense. We should keep in mind that some books referred to as the "true" or "best" interpretation of the Bible aren't quite the Word of God. Some of these translations could be biased or simply erroneously false willingly or not.

"11. We believe that the original Hebrew text of the Old Testament and the Greek text of the New Testament are the inspired Word of God. Translations of the Hebrew and Greek that accurately reflect the meaning of the original text convey God's truth to people and can properly be called the Word of God."
http://www.wels.net/what-we-believe/statements-beliefs/this-we-believe/gods-revelation?page=0,1

Of course, we should admit and understand that it's hard to say which Bible's truer or better than another (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-bible-vs-your-bible.html). For the time being, I keep jumping from NRSV to KJV to WEB.

In all, the WELS website's got lots of good information to understand and reaffirm what it means to be a Christian. Nonetheless my curiosity doesn't mean that I'm planing to change churches any time soon. If there's one thing that I've learned and that's changed me, it's been the opportunity to be a servant of God by serving others. This last concept -- heavily driven into our minds at FAPC -- seems to be the truer meaning of being a Christian, at least to me within my limited humanoid understanding.

the on-line church: #tworship (visited)

This past Saturday I was somewhat part of #Tworship (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/on-line-church-tworship.html). I made three comments and one or two people liked them. I'm including them below in response to the video below.

first comment: Ever since I heard Sara Evans for the first time, I could hear that her songs had lots of Christian overtones. #Tworship

second comment: (pt 2) It's good to know that country music is a form of religious music sometimes even if u don't say GOD 1000 times. #Tworship

final comment: thanks all for this new experience #Tworship

project 0.5952381%

Most of us (myself included too many times) are "real" Christians about an hour a week (1 in 168 hours). This means a mere 0.5952381% of the week if we go to church (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/saturday-night.html). It's such a pitiful shame. Maybe this is often the reason why I stay more than hour at church on Sundays -- as a means to excuse my lack of faith and interest. Of course, I must admit that my mind wanders off many times during the hours I hang out at church, which defeats the purpose of being in church in the first place. From experience, spending extra hours in church during the week (for example, small groups, volunteering, etc) makes church and faith a much more rewarding experience.

Saturday night (0.5952381%)

It's Saturday night. I guess the Christian thing to do should be getting ready for Sunday, but that's hardly ever true. At times it feels like we're sinners all week long except for whatever time we spend in church. This means that we're truly Christians merely 0.5952381% of the time -- considering one hour a week (one in 168 hours). Well honestly my math can't be right. We're true to our faith much less than the 0.5952381% estimate. I dare say a mere 0.1% being generous.

the psychotic Christian

As a religious individual (not only Christian), you're often expected to control your desires, pain, anxiety, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, emotions and other possible symptoms of mental disorders (the mind in general) with your faith. Some even believe that not doing so is a sign of weakness. In such case, what do we do when our minds (brains) are broken or defective? You'd need medications to control random emotions and over all psychotic behavior.

One thing that's come to my mind again and again is trying to be a good Christian while mentally ill. It's difficult when the demons in your head are constantly trying to poison or simply kill you from within (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/so-alone-in-my-journey.html).

death of the knowing few

I always wanted to believe that extra-sensory perception (ESP) was a gift. It turns out that it's part of the occult (a Satanic trait as seen by many religious groups) similar to witchcraft.

"The [magic] that is typically included with the occult includes alchemy, extra-sensory perception, astrology, spiritualism, and numerology."
http://www.themonastery.org/jcontent/training/12-guide-to-divinity/155-the-occult

I don't practice the occult (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/trying-to-raise-my-boys-as-christians.html), but I do still believe in ESP as a gift to foresee possible events. This is what many would call a gut feeling or instinct. Regardless of the name, the sensation I feel has helped me identify how good or evil, trustworthy or not someone may be just by looking and/or hearing that person. I hardly ever fail.

Perhaps is ESP what the prophets of the Bible employed to hear, see, communicate and/or interact with God. Of course, if you bring this as a theory, the Church will tag you as a heretic and/or demon of sorts. Maybe I should just stay quiet since knowledge to correct the ignorance of the many can lead to the death of the knowing few.

bad Christian boy

As a Christian, one must live with a pure a heart and renounce all sins. Needless to say, I haven't achieved this and I'm not sure if I ever could. I've done (not extremely) bad things in my life and some I still do. Everyday I fight to tame the demons in my head as I drown them with many pills every morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-if-my-whole-life-were-merely-dream.html). Nonetheless I still refer to myself as a Christian (not a Catholic anymore, Protestant perhaps; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/03/catholic-or-presbyterian.html), go to church every Sunday, became a member of the church, served (helped) in the church, had my children baptized (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html), try to be a good person and even became an ordained minister early this month (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html).

deeply in the eyes of evil

Sexual abuse, homosexuality and corruption were always the dirty secrets that everyone knew. Growing up Catholic, one had divide the good priests from the bad. Of course, for every pervert in the garbs of a priest, there's a good servant of God. Nonetheless the Catholic Church is nowadays plagued with stories of sexual abuse, pedophilia and other sexual scandals. Maybe this is the perfect scapegoat to leave Catholicism. This might be the main reason why I don't call myself a Catholic anymore. I'm a Christian plain and simple.

There's something dark and evil that I've seen in the past couple of years in the Vatican from all places. It constantly reminds me of stories of the end of times with false prophets, preachers and uttermost evil posing as good. Maybe it's all in my psychotic brain, but I can't trust the head of the Catholic Church at all. Well at the end of the day, I'm no one to be heard, but my instincts hardly ever fail me when reading a person's soul. In all, I see deeply in the eyes of evil where goodness should abide.

Mork from Ork

I remember watching Mork & Mindy (ABC 1978-82; http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077053/) with Robin Williams (Mork; http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000245/) and Pam Dawber (Mindy; http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001118/) when I was a kid. There was a particular episode, in which Mork traveled to another world (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0651242/). In this trip, his mind went into another being's body and that being into that of Mork. Vacationing was as simple as mind swapping.

This is one of those stories that reminds me of the belief that the soul inhabits in a body (person) -- considering the argument that the mind, the spirit and the soul are the same. Of course, we're taught to believe that we all have souls and these are eternal. At the same time, there are many (not necessarily Christian) stories of souls "walking" the earth, which we'd normally refer to as ghosts. As Christians, we believe that the latter is true. There are some who even believe that the soul escapes from or simply wanders off the body while asleep (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/as-my-soul-ran-away-at-night-every.html).

Going back to Mork & Mindy, it'd be so cool for our minds (souls) to leave our bodies and travel of course returning to our bodies when returning from holiday.

By the way, I'm going to rent the whole series. I've got font memories of staying at my maternal grandmother's flat weeks at a time watching this show in my old beat-up portable (handle on the top) 13" b/w TV set.

reading

I've been reading what it means to be an ordained minister and also about the various differences between Christian denominations and in some cases other religious systems all together (traditions, rites, ideologies, etc; for example, http://www.ulc.org/training-education/6-baptism/72-baptism-overview). From all the religious material that I've read in the past decade or so, coming to a non-denominational church website has helped me most to understand the different ideologies in Christianity.

What does this all mean in my twisted mind? Am I becoming a better person, a better Christian or a "real" ordained minister? Does all this mean that I betrayed the church I go to? Am I still Catholic? Did I become Presbyterian? Did I join the Universal Life Church unknowingly?

I don't bloody know and I'm so bloody confused right now with my beliefs (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/more-confused-than-usual-minister.html)!