the Book of Psalms: Psalter

This morning I got The 1979 US Book of Common Prayer (http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/bcp.htm) in PDF in order to read the section on the Book of Psalms (Psalter) as per the recommendation of a minister. Immediately being such a geek (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/being-geek-and-christian.html), I made a 639 KB PRC file (electronic book) to read on my mobile using MobiPocket. To no one's surprise, I'm not too eager to read such book. If reading the Psalms is so bloody important for me to do, I'd just read them from any of the translations and/or versions of the Bible that I've got.

I guess my desperation to get this book was merely to convert the PDF to PRC. Maybe I'm too much of a geek (sciences, music, etc) that I keep thinking and over-analyzing everything -- hence failing to have an open mind to be a "real" Christian. Could it be that I'm too stupidly smart for my own good? Then again, I could simply be stupid and lack patience and faith.

My over all lack of interest to read this book is by no means an act of disrespect to this book and/or the ideas expressed in it, those who wrote it and/or updated it, its history and/or its relation to the Church of England, the Anglican Church and/or anyone else involved with such book. I might just be avoiding such a long and strict reading based on the words of man. Then again, I could still be stupid and lack patience and faith.

Blue Christmas (MMX)

I'm looking forward to tonight's Blue Christmas worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html). I'm glad that there's such a thing as a Christmas service for those of us who are blue (sad, depressed, troubled, lonesome, etc; in my case, all the latter). Sometimes Christmas (the Mass of the Christ, the celebration of the coming of Messiah, the incarnation of God) isn't as joyful for some (myself included) as it seems to be for the majority of others.

I must admit that I'm always blue during Christmas, which stopped being fun over two decades ago. This is simply not my favorite time of the year. Now with my son suffering a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I feel even worse. In the past ten days or so, I've been able to see deeper into the soul of those so-called experts who once promised to look after the sick and especially the handicapped. Hence I'm in no mood to be joyful. It hurts deeply to see him not being able to enjoy the whole "holiday" charade and the stupid TV specials like other children. As someone told me last night, there's a possibility that any day could be my son's last and I simply don't have any intention of burying my son so early in his broken and limited life.

One thing that's made it easier for me to cope with all the charade of love and joy charade of the season has been listening to my all-time favorite Christmas record, Excelsis v.2 ~ a winter's song (http://www.projekt.com/projekt/product.asp?sku=PRO00092) with goth rock bands interpreting Christmas songs much more beautifully than I've ever heard them.

In all, this will be another dark and depressing Christmas. I might just lock myself in my room and watch Japanese horror/gore movies or whatever I might be in the mood for. Of course, my mother as usual will try to cheer me up and fail miserably only making me more upset.

On a good note, during the Christmas services, I'd try to help as much as I can and feel useful serving God in some cheap way -- all the while feeling miserable inside. Hopefully I'd be able to hold on to whatever's left of my faith.

3x

Having OCD or simply silly habits at times can be annoying. I'm used to doing things thrice -- like when brushing my teeth (surprisingly no brilliantly white teeth, perhaps too much coffee). In general, I find myself doing random things three times unconsciously. It seems that all my life is on a 3/3 tempo.

Weirdly enough, when it comes to music, I can only think in a 4/4 tempo even if it's over 160 bpm.

questions: TV & music

Understanding that I write on this blog about my faith and sometimes lack of, I should ask myself the following questions.

1. Could I -- as a Christian -- watch and/or like material like Sherlock (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/sherlock-holmes.html) about murderers and how the hero saves the day?


2. At the same time, is it appropriate for me to listen to the music I've listened to for the past 31 years -- like Tattoo of Pain (http://tattooofpain.pragakhan.com/), Lords of Acid (http://www.lordsofacid.com/), KMFDM (http://www.kmfdm.net/), Rammstein (http://www.rammstein.de/), Judas Priest (http://www.judaspriest.com/), KISS (http://www.kissonline.com/) and many other rock bands (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/as-music-saved-my-soul-suicide.html)?

Of course, I'd say there's nothing negative about the material I like regardless of the sex, violence, social criticism, religion and other topics -- as long as it doesn't affect my religious beliefs. I must also admit that many Christians might want me to listen to Christian contemporary music like Carman (http://www.carman.org/) or Rebecca St James (http://rebeccastjames.forefrontrecords.com/).

In any case, if I needed to comply, I'd choose Stryper (http://www.stryper.com/).

as music saved my soul: suicide

I always say that music did save me from committing suicide when I was a teenager. The same music that many would say drive some idiots to commit suicide is the music that helped me survive. The common factor for those willing to die today and those willing to live another day (myself included) is the opportunity to escape from our sickening lives. In my case, escaping was telling everyone including my friends to FUCK OFF. Many people I knew then wanted me gone (dead) and I decided not to give them that satisfaction. That same anger that could drive someone to pull a trigger to put a bullet in his/her head is the anger that kept me alive. At the same time, the wicked humor in those songs changed the way I behave hence allowing me to mock myself and not tale me too seriously.

By the way, God might have used music to save my worthless soul.

as music saved my soul: writing music

When writing music, I'm often dark -- almost goth. I started writing lyrics about real issues (political, social, damnation, etc) around 1986 -- after listening to "Master of Puppets" by Metallica (http://www.metallica.com/), "Rest in Peace" by Megadeth (http://www.megadeth.com/) and "South of Heaven" by Slayer (http://www.slayer.net/). That was the break through era for thrash/speed metal. Within the raw power, the lyrics screamed justice, pain and rejection to the world status quo.

My whole direction in music went from sex and party to social issues. As a matter of fact, this might be why I like The Clash (http://www.theclash.com/) rather than The Sex Pistols (http://www.sexpistolsofficial.com/). Well I also like The Ramones (from Queens, NY; http://www.ramonesworld.com/), but that's a totally different story.

I enjoy the darkness of music without getting into minor chords for ten minutes that feel like hours -- though I like Black Sabbath (http://www.black-sabbath.com/) with Ozzy Osbourne only (http://www.ozzy.com/) and Judas Priest (http://www.judaspriest.com/). To me at least, dark lyrics with "good" music achieves more -- like The Doors (http://www.thedoors.com/) and Type O Negative (from Brooklyn, NY; http://www.typeonegative.net/).

I make reference to my music preference and inspiration -- if the word applies or matters -- because this is basically how I think musically. As a matter of fact, this morning I came up with a great idea for a two-voice/harmony (low and high octaves) song with a Hammond B4 and Leslie cabinet (no less) as the main musical instrument with dual guitars as the secondary sound backed up with jazz-like drums (brushes on the tom-toms, snare and hi-hat). The lyrics I was coming up with were religious -- how ironic and primitive.

If anyone cares, I'd gladly share my music and play it, but I'll hold all rights to my material including but not limited to the publishing. Did I mention that I studied music and its legal aspect? So let's rock!

me -- who, what, where?

I write all the time (several times a day) about several topics -- as of late plenty of material on religion, but who/what am I?

1. I'm Christian fairly curious about religions, theology and mythology. I don't shy away from asking and learning about other religions and/or faiths.

2. I've lived in Queens, NY (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/this-old-jewish-town.html), for 27 years. I almost moved to FL, but I don't like hurricanes. I almost moved to NJ, but you need a car there and I don't drive.

3. I like hard rock, metal, industrial, electronica, country and some other genres of music. I've also owned several guitars and other music equipment since 1986.

4. I watch lots of TV -- as of late lots of material from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/), ITV (http://www.itv.com/) and Channel 4 (http://www.channel4.com/) from the UK. American TV needs more edge. What happened to shows like Starsky & Hutch (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072567/).

5. I write poetry, music and whatever comes my way. Read the beginning on these entry.

6. I work as a systems programmer and operator. I've gone through several computers since 1984. I also have a degree in computer science and one in audio engineering. I currently use Ubuntu Linux at home, which my nine-year-old prefers to use.

7. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. I like Italian, Mediterranean, Indian and some Middle Eastern food.

8. I've been an advocate for the disabled (mentally especially) for several years.

9. I was diagnosed with ADD, OCD and BPD. Therefore I take a whole bunch of medication in the morning. If curious, I do have a bad temper. I guess it's the Italian blood in me.

10. I guess I don't have a #10 right now.

hell bent for leather

This is one of my favorite songs by Judas Priest (http://www.judaspriest.com/), which I loved listening to growing up. To my surprise, it's a song about sex sang by gay man -- Rob Halford (http://www..robhalford.com/). It seemed to be that big rumor that everyone knew, but no one talked about.

Halford was considered the Metal God (god as in master, top of the bunch, etc). His homosexuality didn't take his credibility, musicmanship, charisma on and off stage or anything that he represented in the 1980's and 1990's. Said this, Halford's still the Metal God.

Sometimes homosexuality doesn't make those who admire you lose respect in you.

afraid not to wake up

My left arm hurt again last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/knocking-on-heavens-door.html) so much that I kept waking up. At least I didn't feel chest pain. I'm afraid of falling asleep and not waking up -- just like my maternal grandmother died. As of late, I've felt that I'll die of a heart attack some day.

If I had died last night, who'd care for my two little boys? I can't die and leave them behind without a provider.

knocking on heaven's door

I like the Guns N' Roses (http://www.gunsnroses.com/) version more than the original by Bob Dylan (http://www.bobdylan.com/). I've been thinking of this song especially since I currently have pain on my chest. I'm afraid of having a heart attack due to my weight and family history. Well as I said the other day, any day is a good day to die.

foreign TV & music

In the past several years, my liking of British drama and comedies has increased. It turns out that lots of the shows I grew up with are British (Doctor Who, The Avengers, The Saint, etc) -- not American I thought then.

I've always listened to American rock & roll like KISS and The Ramones, but lots of my favorite material is also from other lands like Led Zeppelin, Judas Priest, The Clash, Motorhead and Black Sabbath from UK; Rammstein and Wumpscut from Germany; Blood from Spain; AC/DC from Australia; U2 from Ireland.

no idea what to do

One thing that truly drives me crazy about having attention deficit disorder (ADD) is getting bored much too easily. Sometimes I spend hours trying to find out what to do. For example, deciding what to have for lunch can take my full lunch hour, in which I'd rather bring something from home. Hence I often do things impulsively (first thing that pops in my mind) to avoid thinking -- the excessive thinking.

Music does stop me from thinking uncontrollably as I can analyze the music, lyrics and the art in such. I always (99.8% of the time) have music on even when I'm reading just to block out the outside world. Unfortunately this morning the battery of my MP3 player has no charge.

As I'm writing this entry, I need to concentrate in order not to let my mind wander. Too many ideas flood my mind that I can't develop at least one single constant idea properly. I can't even play Klondike (Solitaire) to kill time during my 45-minute subway commute (close to two hours by bus) since I'm distracted. I don't feel like writing (poetry, prose or other material) or reading an ebook or two. I don't feel like writing anything spiritual (Christian). Hence I'm here merely putting my random ideas down, typing them on my BlackBerry as I look around observing the behavior of strangers in the train bound by the ties of norms and society.

from the Moon to God

This is a little something that I stole from my friend Moon. I hope she doesn't get upset.

"Aaaain't nooobooody, love me like Jesus! Ain't nobody, love me like the Lord, HEY NOW!!!"

I guess she couldn't have said it better. Now can anyone tell me why she and the rest of our friends sing every time they go on a mission trip (Guatemala 2010)?

another day, another night

I guess I'm either lazy or depressed (diagnosed with manic depression, now referred to as bipolar disorder). I don't want to do anything -- other than listening to music, being alone and thinking -- not even watching movies.

This isn't normal (relative to a norm, as accepted by a society). There's something wrong with or in me (other than medical condition, of course), but what can I blame for it, this time around? There should be some honest answer for my own question, but I don't know what to say. Of course, I can always say that the medications I take make me drowsy all day, which would be partially true -- yet not the real truth.

For the time being, I'll continue listening to songs of love and pain from The Murder City Devils (http://www.themurdercitydevils.com/).

politics & God

Since I started to read more and more about religion, I've seen a close relation between conservative ideology and core Christian beliefs. It seems that every conservative -- Republican (http://www.gop.com/), Tea Party (http://www.teapartypatriots.org/) or other group -- mentions God and/or being Christian at least once in his/her career.

One of the better examples is Sarah Palin (http://www.sarahpac.com/). On her bid for vice-president of the US (2008), she stood up as a Christian and a family woman. As a former governor of Alaska, she was able to talk about what she had done for her state, but her faith and family values were her biggest assets.

Most conservatives have little to no problem at all mentioning God or Christianity. It's become the norm. Now this is rather strange nowadays in this nation that has become so uncomfortable about its Christian heritage.

Another good example is Sara Evans (http://www.saraevans.com/) -- one of favorite country singers -- who's been fairly outspoken about her political (conservative) views and her faith.

As a matter of fact, many (if not all) country singers are Christian and have mentioned God in at least one song. Perhaps the belief in God is what make them conservative and fairly vocal about politics.

On a personal note (much too shared by conservatives), I'm proud (ironically pride being a deadly sin) to be a Christian on this godless land and a conservative (registered Republican). As I've mentioned before, being Christian by no means that I'm perfect yet continue to strife for that perfection.

Of course, I must point out that believing in God doesn't make a person good. His/her heart and actions make him/her good.

patriotism, drinking, self destructive behavior, hurt & no God

According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/) the following is the concept of patriotism.

Patriotism is love and devotion to one's country. The word comes from the Greek patris, meaning fatherland. Patriotism, however, has had different meanings over time, and its meaning is highly dependent upon context, geography, and philosophy. Although patriotism is used in certain vernaculars as a synonym for nationalism, nationalism is not necessarily considered an inherent part of patriotism. Among the ancient Greeks, patriotism consisted of notions concerning language, religious traditions, ethics, law, and devotion to the common good, rather than pure identification with a nation-state. Scholar J. Peter Euben writes that for the Greek philosopher Socrates, "patriotism does not require one to agree with everything that his country does and would actually promote analytical questioning in a quest to make the country the best it possibly can be."

In the Hindu epic Ramayana, Lord Rama tells Lakshmana Janani Janma Bhoomischa Swargadapi Gariyasi (Mother and Motherland are greater than heaven), which greatly lays the foundation for consciousness of patriotism for Hindus.

During the 18th century Age of Enlightenment, the notion of patriotism continued to be separate from the notion of nationalism. Instead, patriotism was defined as devotion to humanity and beneficence. For example, providing charity, criticizing slavery, and denouncing excessive penal laws were all considered patriotic. In both ancient and modern visions of patriotism, individual responsibility to fellow citizens is an inherent component of patriotism.

Many contemporary notions of patriotism are influenced by 19th century ideas about nationalism. During the 19th century, "being patriotic" became increasingly conflated with nationalism and even jingoism. However, some notions of contemporary patriotism reject nationalism in favour of a more classic version of the idea of patriotism which includes social responsibility.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriotism

It's a farce for some and die-hard reality for many. Yet this is a feeling that I've never experienced -- not even during war. This lack of pride has made me a foreigner wherever I've lived. I haven't been able to fit in the general mold.

At the same time, this might be reason for the culture clash I've had several times and especially the suicidal desperation that I endured during high school. Maybe I can blame all this to my drinking, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, suicide attempts (always stopping right in time not to die) and over all pain from peer-pressure and especially high school. Adding the fact that I've been diagnosed with ADHD along with other disorders (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/mental-disorders-and-church.html), I'd have the perfect excuse to have been the worst student in high school while college became a total different story (A student on every subject but statistics).

One of the few things that helped me then were my music (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life-pt.html), my then-friend Mary Lou who introduced to reading the Bible (such a weird concept at the time) and finding God at least for a little while.

demons, hell, evil, rock n' roll

I'm watching "Iron Maiden: Flight 666" (http://www.ironmaiden.com/) and it brought up very bad memories of the PMRC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parents_Music_Resource_Center) and ignorance. There are idiots out there who think that rock n' roll is the devil's music. These people don't seem to understand that rockers and well as geeks have a weird sense of humor. Sometimes references to demons, hell or evil are to tell a story. In the case of this Maiden documentary that I'm referring to, dark themes only tell stories and are not an excuse to worship the devil as many idiots think. This is the same band that has poetry and quotes of the Bible in the lyrics of many songs.

Most people have short term memory especially with something so trivial as music. In the late 1980's, the PMRC was an excuse for bored wives of politicians to criticize music and feed clueless parents and society that the music their children listened to was diabolical and simply bad for children. This was a political stand that damaged many young Americans back then. Isn't it too much of a coincidence that the wife of a then-senator was the head of the PMRC and that senator later became vice-president of the US? If curious, do a Google search on the PMRC and its political ties.

I know that there are some bands that have satanic material, but we shouldn't allow one bad apple rot the whole bunch. Yes, I love rock n' roll as Joan Jett (http://www.joanjett.com/) says in her song. I worked in the music industry for almost a decade. Yes, there's a lot of corruption and sin, but at the same time there are a lot of true artists who love their art (music) and want to create a better world.

raw power christian rock, interesting

I hadn't heard Christian power metal (almost like black metal from Venom, http://www.venomslegions.com/) like this band, Demon Hunter (http://www.demonhunter.net/).

Of course, they're no Stryper (http://www.stryper.com/) and I do like their music (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/isaiah-535.html).

Isaiah 53:5

So I mentioned Stryper (http://www.stryper.com/) early today (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life-pt.html) and I haven't been able to stop listening to their music. I also looked up what Isaiah 53:5 (part of their logo) means. It's been such a long time since I read this verse. These words practically summarize who Christ was and is -- the Christ, the savior of the world.

Isaiah 53:5 (KJV)
"But he was wounded for our transgressions,
he was bruised for our iniquities:
the chastisement of our peace was upon him;
and with his stripes we are healed."

as music saved my soul (the dance of life), pt 2

As I mentioned before, music saved or was used to save me (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/as-music-saved-my-soul-dance-of-life.html). Music's always been an important part of my life. My favorite music genre is rock & roll (especially hard rock) covering a huge variety of sub-genres and styles (modes, instruments from guitars to polyphonic synthesizers, influences, tempo changes, etc). Although this music genre is still considered negative and even ungodly by many people (religious people especially), rock & roll has had religious overtones since its beginnings in the 1950's. This tradition has continued to be true for close to six decades.

Several artists recognize that they often fail to do what God wants us to do and they ask God for mercy in their music. Although these artists may not be like Stryper (http://www.stryper.com/) worshiping God on every song and giving out Bibles in every concert, they do ask for God's help and mercy while holding on to their bad-boy persona.

Right after rock & roll, I like country music, from which rockabilly and then rock & roll came to be. As with rock & roll, with little to no doubt, country music has been very religious since the American South is still Christian country.

Nonetheless these are two forms of having one's faith in one's art and/or feelings. At least on a personal level, I prefer being the sinner constantly asking for God's help and mercy.

Needless to say, most rock & roll and country music alike also deal with humanity, pains, joy, love, sex, heartbreak, drinking, drugs, plenty of sinful acts and many not so-godly topics. Nonetheless within the sin and depravity, many artists do have and have shown deep religious beliefs and/or have God in their lives.

What bothers me is that nowadays expressing one's faith is not politically/socially correct. What happened to the nation founded under deep Christian beliefs where a one can't openly mention God without hurting someone else? Is this really the end of this great Christian nation (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/end-of-this-great-christian-nation.html; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/04/end-of-this-great-christian-nation-pt-2.html) where one could share one's religious beliefs in one's art -- especially music?