moving: finally getting TV service connected

After living a month in my new apartment (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html), I finally had TV service connected this morning. It's taken a month to get this service installed properly and finally running.

It was a painful month without my favorite shows. Other than channel 31.2 (Qubo, http:www.qubo.com/) and 13.1 (PBS, http://www.pbs.org/) as well as a handful of comedies (mostly re-runs, syndicated), over-the-air (OTA) television programming's pathetically boring in my sole opinion. Of course, ATSC makes things worse if the signal isn't strong enough. At least, an old NTSC signal could fail and at least displayed a weak and/or distorted b/w image.

Then again, it could've been much worse. At least, I was able to watch some material that I'd recorded on my DVR and lots of movies on-line -- the latter being the second best thing to do.

Now I only have to connect my DVR to the DSL modem/router, which aren't close to one another (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html). It either means running about 50 feet of CAT-5 making the apartment look fairly shabby ($25 to $40), getting a proprietary 802.11 adapter ($65) or using power line communication ($70; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_line_communication). I'm still not sure what I'll do.

3x

Having OCD or simply silly habits at times can be annoying. I'm used to doing things thrice -- like when brushing my teeth (surprisingly no brilliantly white teeth, perhaps too much coffee). In general, I find myself doing random things three times unconsciously. It seems that all my life is on a 3/3 tempo.

Weirdly enough, when it comes to music, I can only think in a 4/4 tempo even if it's over 160 bpm.

no internet + no tv = tired all the time

I've been tired as of late. Since I moved two weeks ago (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html), I still haven't got the internet and TV service connected (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-internet-no-tv.html).

The internet company messed my account having the wrong address on record. Now I need to cancel my account and open a new one.

At the same time, the satellite service (TV) hasn't been connected. The technicians don't have the proper experience and don't known how to do the wiring coming from the roof through the walls.

So far, it's the worst moving experience that I've ever had. Ironically the new apartment's right across the hall from the old one. How difficult can the new set-up be.

Since I've got no TV (other than old recordings in my TiVo) and no internet in the apartment, I keep cleaning and fixing things in this apartment to avoid getting bored. I'm literally exhausted.

no internet & no tv

I moved a week ago and I still don't have internet access or TV service.
Let's just say that I'M NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/moving.html

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I've been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety's been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it's second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don't even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust's a huge issue for me, I've learned to "see" and feel if I can trust someone. Although I'm hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a "trustworthy" person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her -- including family and "real" friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched -- like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I'm still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don't like being touched or that I'm simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear -- in the other hand -- has helped me in events of danger. I'm usually aware what's going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I've usually been the one (in group) with the cool head -- what's made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be "tortured soul" (as a friend once called me).

moving

Refer to http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/uninterested.html.


SATURDAY 2010/11/06

09:50 - got keys to new apartment

09:55 - found out gas service in the new apartment had been shut off so no hot water, no heat, no gas to cook till Monday

10:00 - had breakfast; started moving into new apartment; didn't take medications all day

17:00 - took a shower; to continue moving on Sunday

20:00 - went to sleep


SUNDAY 2010/11/07

07:00 - woke up to my son fuming that DSL & phone service had been disconnected in old apartment, no DSL & phone service in new apartment either; all no DirecTV till Tuesday

07:15 - continued moving our stuff

08:45 - had breakfast; took medications

09:30 - showered to go to church

10:00 - took the subway to church

10:40 - arrived at church, had some coffee (second cup of the day) and piece of pound cake, entered the sanctuary & went to help at the audio console

12:30 - service over, took subway back

13:00 - continued moving

18:00 - had some Chinese noodles with fried tofu

20:00 - finished cleaning the floors the old apartment

22:15 - finished moving, smelling & tired; went out to get a cup of coffee (third cup) & other groceries

22:30 - took a shower

22:45 - tried to sleep; no idea when I did fall asleep


MONDAY 2010/11/08

05:15 - dismissed my wake-up alarm

05:45 - got up, all sore & tired with backache, took shower; took my medications, no breakfast yet

06:30 - took subway to go to work

08:00 - going to start working

08:30 - going to have breakfast


* nasty, lots of work to simply move from apartment to another a mere twenty feet away

uninterested

Every time I've ever moved to a new apartment, I've felt as if I was starting a new life. This weekend I'm moving and I should most likely be excited, but I'm not. I rather feel dull and uninterested -- yet not depressed. It'd just be another weekend that I won't get to sleep or rest and by Monday I'd be sleeping in a different habitat.

Whatever it's in my head right now might only be described as a feeling of NOTHINGNESS (not WORTHLESSNESS), of having no interest in anything. Regardless what this feeling really is, it's plagued me for the past two weeks or so. I haven't even really watched the movies that I've rented from Netflix or TV for that matter -- well other than Sherlock (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/sherlock-holmes.html) and Jerry Springer (http://www.jerryspringertv.com/). I've rather slept, listened to lots of music, written lots of material and read whatever MOBI and PRC files in my BlackBerry.

It's as if my life had stood still while seeing others go through their lives. I'm not sure what I might be missing right now. At least, I feel good when writing or playing with my children -- a mere handful of minutes spread through out the day.

Several times in the past, I've felt a void that no drugs or religion have been able to fulfill (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/oh-mercy-oh-god-happy-pill.html). I'm not sure if this void's the same nothingness that I feel right now. If it were, I know that my faith has usually filled that sort of void.

Then again it might just be my medication taking my joy away (bad side effect), not only my anger and anxiety (BPD & OCD). In the end, I'm walking through life as the undead (zombie) from a bad science fiction movie with no feeling or care.

modern medicine, what a sham

What can we do when modern medicine's limited, archaic and simply wrong? Most of the doctors (99%) I've met don't or refuse to understand what some diseases really are. These men and women of science have all their faith drugs and whatever some authority has written in stone.

Medicine actually is the comparison of individuals to determine what's correct/healthy (higher population, normal) and what's not (lower population, abnormal). Medicine fails to see that some individuals are simply structured differently. For example, in ADD a person may hold two separate thoughts at the same time while "normal" persons are limited to one at any given time. It'd be a no-brainer to think that the person who can process two different thoughts at the same time was born with a gift, but medicine and society say otherwise and rather drug the individual to restrain his/her extra mental capacity.

Now what happens to that other 1% of the medical community -- those who can see beyond some old book and erroneous science? The federal government even has had the audacity to limit doctors to whatever the government consider "healthy" and correct body function. If a doctor refuses to follow government established regulations, the doctor could be punished. This means that these "not mainstream" doctors are marginalized and even ridiculed. Some of these doctors can't even be paid by health insurance companies. Hence they only accept cash.

Said all this, the doctor who sees my nine-year-old is one of these doctors outside mainstream medicine. She helped my son much more in a month than the twenty or more mainstream doctors who had seen my son for some seven years of his life.

Well at the end of the day (or rather early morning), I continue taking medication to live one day at a time.

surfing the subways

I don't hold on to handrails or to anything when riding the subway (or any other of form of public transport including buses for that matter) unless in dire need. In any case, it's strange to see others doing the same. It's a good reminder that I'm not the only with OCD in this city. At the same time, it's great that little bottles of alcohol based gels -- like Purell -- are available everywhere.

me -- who, what, where?

I write all the time (several times a day) about several topics -- as of late plenty of material on religion, but who/what am I?

1. I'm Christian fairly curious about religions, theology and mythology. I don't shy away from asking and learning about other religions and/or faiths.

2. I've lived in Queens, NY (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/this-old-jewish-town.html), for 27 years. I almost moved to FL, but I don't like hurricanes. I almost moved to NJ, but you need a car there and I don't drive.

3. I like hard rock, metal, industrial, electronica, country and some other genres of music. I've also owned several guitars and other music equipment since 1986.

4. I watch lots of TV -- as of late lots of material from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/), ITV (http://www.itv.com/) and Channel 4 (http://www.channel4.com/) from the UK. American TV needs more edge. What happened to shows like Starsky & Hutch (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072567/).

5. I write poetry, music and whatever comes my way. Read the beginning on these entry.

6. I work as a systems programmer and operator. I've gone through several computers since 1984. I also have a degree in computer science and one in audio engineering. I currently use Ubuntu Linux at home, which my nine-year-old prefers to use.

7. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. I like Italian, Mediterranean, Indian and some Middle Eastern food.

8. I've been an advocate for the disabled (mentally especially) for several years.

9. I was diagnosed with ADD, OCD and BPD. Therefore I take a whole bunch of medication in the morning. If curious, I do have a bad temper. I guess it's the Italian blood in me.

10. I guess I don't have a #10 right now.

changes

The word "change" can mean many things. For some, it might be the a transition or alteration (noun, transitive verb). For those of us who like good music, it might simply be the David Bowie (http://www.davidbowie.com/) song. For a person with a mental disorder, it means chaos brought by the unknown or difference of a specific order/pattern especially asymmetry.



I suffer every time there's a change of those things that I SHOULD OR WANT TO HAVE CONTROL OVER. It's hard to allow someone or something take charge of these things and/or conditions.

Maybe this is why religion's important for an individual with a mental disorder for its predetermined order. Even its chaos is controlled in some church environments, like laughing and applauding. It's especially important for me to follow a set order of worship -- as long as I can understand what's going on. As I told my friend Neca, I like controlled chaos after going to what I considered a long and disorganized service at an exclusive church uptown (fairly closed to outsiders).

being a geek and Christian

My major areas of interest are computer science and other technologies, music, movies (foreign, independent and just plain weird), poetry and prose, religion and television (my TiVo) as well other areas in science (mental disorders, physics, etc). I listed these fields of interest alphabetically for fun and because of my OCD.

After bragging about myself, I must humbly explain why I did it. There's the belief that a person of science (computers in my case) is too skeptical due to lack of hard evidence to have faith in the Godhead regardless of religion.

Said the latter, at times I think too much in what science has revealed to us mortals as true and have difficulty having the kind of blind faith that religion as a cultural norm demands. My deviant behavior at times can be too much to take. For example, the burning bush (Exodus 3:1-15) wasn't consumed and my comment during Bible study was about the lack of fumes (chemical and physical changes in the carbon-based living organism) to emphasize on the miracle described in the Bible. As a matter of fact, I'm still trying to place dinosaurs in the creation of the world as explained in the book of Genesis. Sometimes it's practically impossible to marry scientific facts with religious beliefs.

1 One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian. He led the flock far into the wilderness and came to Sinai, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn't burn up. 3 "This is amazing," Moses said to himself. "Why isn't that bush burning up? I must go see it."

4 When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, "Moses! Moses!"

"Here I am!" Moses replied.

5 "Do not come any closer," the Lord warned. "Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. 6 I am the God of your father--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." When Moses heard this, he covered his face because he was afraid to look at God.

7 Then the Lord told him, "I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey--the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites now live. 9 Look! The cry of the people of Israel has reached me, and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. 10 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt."

11 But Moses protested to God, "Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?"

12 God answered, "I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain."

13 But Moses protested, "If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, 'The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,' they will ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what should I tell them?"

14 God replied to Moses, "I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you." 15 God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors--the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob--has sent me to you.

This is my eternal name,
my name to remember for all generations.

Exodus 3:1-15 (KJV)

In all how does God affect science and the universe? I'm still trying to find out. Does this make some kind of science expert? No, it only makes me curious to learn and relate science and God in a way that I can argue to my atheist friends.

so alone in my journey

Many people (some who should be backing me up) don't believe that I'm looking for God. They see me as a demon making up a charade. Since my mental condition is like living with my own worse enemy in my head, I've been less than good person at times. Now being medicated with antipsychotics, I try to find peace in my head and soul. Of course these people doubt my intentions and even criticize me. Well I've learned not to care. I've always thought of myself as being alone. So alone in this journey I'd be wondering if I'm worthy to be in God's grace.

mental disorders and church

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit disorder. I'm a real mental case. In my case and that of hundreds of thousands, how can religion help? Does a church of any Christian denomination help or understand or accept us?

10/19/2008 11:15AM

"Guide Along The Wilderness Road"
by Rev. Randolph Weber

* Second week in a row late about 5 to 10 minutes; still wondering why I go to FAPC when Anglican is about a block away and St Pat's cathedral (Roman Catholic) is about three blocks away

* Continued taking notes, learning, trying to understand; still not interested to be a member of a congregation

* Finally gave an offering ($10, $5 per week, cheap bastard), hadn't given in two weeks prior; considered using checkbook for income tax write-off, but better off doing it in cash (no recognition, no show-off); moneys not for the church although needed to maintain the church (20% for utilities, etc), 80% for different projects like meals to the homeless who sleep/rest on the steps of the church for refuge/shelter at 5:30AM and late at night; to return something to God for what he has given us

* five weeks coming to church and my mind starts wondering for the second time, thinking of sex and other shit, why? ADHD? most likely not

* Sermon: God using people to teach others about Christ, our faith in part to unite people; should tell others our experiences regarding God; must "follow through" and continue helping those we teach about God

* Took postcard on Adult Education
http://www.christianstudies.org/
** Interested in course "Tools for Bible Study"
11/16/2008 & 11/23/2008 9:30-10:45AM
Registration: Mary Bostic (mbostic@fapc.org)
Tell her about the Sword Project (Bible Desktop)