my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html), pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

my son's first ever seizure, two Sundays later

Since my son had a seizure in the early hours of Monday 11/29/2010 morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I freak out every Sunday night wondering if he could suffer another seizure in early hours of the next Monday morning. This surely gives a new meaning to the "Monday Blues."

Undoubtedly I'm still worried and scared for my son's health, life and over all well being. I check on him day and night to the point that he must be sick of me. I keep waking up at all times of the night to make sure he hasn't fallen unconscious in his sleep after another seizure. Needless to say (type), at work especially, I can't stop wondering if the next phone call I get is to inform me of another emergency. At least, my mental state's much clearer after the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Without much of a forcefully given choice, I'll have to learn how to live with the possibility and reality that epilepsy most likely won't go away from my child's life. Nonetheless I could at least be ready for another emergency and hopefully for anything else that "life" throws at us without letting my emotions clog my mind and/or judgment. I must definitely think this way since I've always been calm, rational, logical and practically cold-blooded after any accident or emergency and I'd hate lose this part of me.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html). One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?
   
   
2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?
   
   Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.
   
   
3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?

Blue Christmas (MMX): something to think about

By the way, the Christmas season (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html) brings the highest level of depression in some people and hence numbers of suicides. It also brings out the most hypocrisy out of people too as they act as if they really cared about their fellow men. This is truly the season to be dying -- either loosing your material life or your soul.

19

My oldest son's 19 -- now practically an adult. For the past three years, he's been going out with a girl (16) who seems to like him a lot, whom he seems to like as much and whom he gets along with fairly well. It wouldn't surprise me if they decided to stay together for long time -- like moving in together or anything alike.

The idea, worry and fear of becoming a grandfather at my age (39) worries me in deed. I hope he doesn't make the same mistakes I made growing up. Having him when I was 20 was hard (financially especially), yet never regretted having him. I'm proud of my boy.

Of course, there are difference between us. He's into sports and not a geek like me. He's also has a strong Catholic upbringing. Most importantly he doesn't seem to be mentally unstable as I am though having the short fuse temper that runs in the family.

At the same time, we've got similar taste in music and I've tried teaching him about music instruments (guitars, drums, etc) and music in general from the 1960's and up.

the on-line church: #tworship (visited)

This past Saturday I was somewhat part of #Tworship (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/on-line-church-tworship.html). I made three comments and one or two people liked them. I'm including them below in response to the video below.

first comment: Ever since I heard Sara Evans for the first time, I could hear that her songs had lots of Christian overtones. #Tworship

second comment: (pt 2) It's good to know that country music is a form of religious music sometimes even if u don't say GOD 1000 times. #Tworship

final comment: thanks all for this new experience #Tworship

me -- who, what, where?

I write all the time (several times a day) about several topics -- as of late plenty of material on religion, but who/what am I?

1. I'm Christian fairly curious about religions, theology and mythology. I don't shy away from asking and learning about other religions and/or faiths.

2. I've lived in Queens, NY (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/this-old-jewish-town.html), for 27 years. I almost moved to FL, but I don't like hurricanes. I almost moved to NJ, but you need a car there and I don't drive.

3. I like hard rock, metal, industrial, electronica, country and some other genres of music. I've also owned several guitars and other music equipment since 1986.

4. I watch lots of TV -- as of late lots of material from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/), ITV (http://www.itv.com/) and Channel 4 (http://www.channel4.com/) from the UK. American TV needs more edge. What happened to shows like Starsky & Hutch (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072567/).

5. I write poetry, music and whatever comes my way. Read the beginning on these entry.

6. I work as a systems programmer and operator. I've gone through several computers since 1984. I also have a degree in computer science and one in audio engineering. I currently use Ubuntu Linux at home, which my nine-year-old prefers to use.

7. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. I like Italian, Mediterranean, Indian and some Middle Eastern food.

8. I've been an advocate for the disabled (mentally especially) for several years.

9. I was diagnosed with ADD, OCD and BPD. Therefore I take a whole bunch of medication in the morning. If curious, I do have a bad temper. I guess it's the Italian blood in me.

10. I guess I don't have a #10 right now.

what not to do, touch, see, listen, taste, smell, feel, have sex with, etc

I still have issues trying to understand what are proper or correct things to do as a Christian -- well aside from anything that breaks the Law of Moses of course.

Some would say that horror movies are not godly correct. The same has been said about music (for example, rock & roll), art (nudes, how sick), food (pork, non Kosher/Halal filth), clothes (miniskirts, oh such horror), flesh (sex, how dirty) and probably every single thing in the cosmos (including aliens in other worlds).

Considering all this, most of the universe if not all is from the devil and will trigger our eternal damnation. That means that we're surrounded by devil music, devil art, devil food, devil clothes (Halloween costumes most likely included), devil flesh (devil in the flesh) and a devil universe/reality. This assumption is absurd as you can read especially in Genesis 1:4, 1:10, 1:12, 1:18 and 1:21.

"1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw it was good.
11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
-- Genesis 1:1-28 (KJV)

God made everything across the whole cosmos and then proclaimed it GOOD. We make things good or bad, pure or filthy. It's all in our minds and souls. Hence trying to be completely honest to ourselves and leaving our selfish prejudice aside, what's godly correct and what's not? Maybe the best answer came from a minister who told me to avoid anything that takes us away from the Light.

I guess this means that watching a gory movie with zombies and other monsters is fine as long as it doesn't affect my faith. After all that movie's merely a piece of fiction to take our minds off our problems for an hour or two (four hours in the case of Lord of the Rings) and make us laugh.

politics & God

Since I started to read more and more about religion, I've seen a close relation between conservative ideology and core Christian beliefs. It seems that every conservative -- Republican (http://www.gop.com/), Tea Party (http://www.teapartypatriots.org/) or other group -- mentions God and/or being Christian at least once in his/her career.

One of the better examples is Sarah Palin (http://www.sarahpac.com/). On her bid for vice-president of the US (2008), she stood up as a Christian and a family woman. As a former governor of Alaska, she was able to talk about what she had done for her state, but her faith and family values were her biggest assets.

Most conservatives have little to no problem at all mentioning God or Christianity. It's become the norm. Now this is rather strange nowadays in this nation that has become so uncomfortable about its Christian heritage.

Another good example is Sara Evans (http://www.saraevans.com/) -- one of favorite country singers -- who's been fairly outspoken about her political (conservative) views and her faith.

As a matter of fact, many (if not all) country singers are Christian and have mentioned God in at least one song. Perhaps the belief in God is what make them conservative and fairly vocal about politics.

On a personal note (much too shared by conservatives), I'm proud (ironically pride being a deadly sin) to be a Christian on this godless land and a conservative (registered Republican). As I've mentioned before, being Christian by no means that I'm perfect yet continue to strife for that perfection.

Of course, I must point out that believing in God doesn't make a person good. His/her heart and actions make him/her good.