NASK 2011

So I just received an invitation to attend NASK (La Nord-Amerika Somera Kursaro de Esperanto, http://www.esperanto.org/nask/) 2011, but I can't make it (money, travel, time, etc). If I could, it'd be a blast to geek out.

rants: money & debts

At work, I get paid every two Thursdays (direct deposit available on Friday). It's not a lot, but it's a secure job and pay. From this money I pay my bills and rent. I also try to pay medical expenses and some other needs, which means putting these expenses on my credit card. In all, I usually end with less than $100 left over from paycheck to paycheck

Having a sick child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/raising-sick-child-afraid-of-future.html) and being told that health insurance policies refuse to cover a lot of these costs ($550 for a lab test one alone) is a never-ending struggle and has become fairly expensive to bring my child to health. Needless to say (type), I've accumulated a large credit card debt and I've got no intention of facing bankruptcy again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/07/broken-back-broken-hope-broken-faith-no.html).

Caring for one child's health and well being shouldn't seem like a punishment (the government doing little to nothing to change these imposed policies by both government & health insurance companies). It's further more than a mere legal obligation. It's rather a right -- MY RIGHT AS A FATHER.

What pisses me off most is that illegal aliens have their medical expenses covered to a higher degree than us -- law-abiding, tax-paying yet welfare-denied American citizens. My attitude's not Christian at all or healthy for that matter at all, but this double-standard that these cheap and broken government heads have created still burns and poisons me inside.

welcoming new members

Every church needs to be funded (electricity, gas, etc) and everyone working in a church needs to pay rent and bills (salaries, wages, etc). Hence a church relies on funds received from the congregation. This is perhaps the second reason why churches need members -- the main reason being a common faith and doctrine system.

These members are people who go to a particular church practically every Sunday, help cover costs and participate in various areas of the church willingly and expected to (myself included). This interpretation of what it means to be a member of a church might sound a bit harsh for some, but isn't this what it means to be a Christian in the first place?

Working with new members is often a strange and fondly interesting experience. New members sometimes don't know what to expect of the church (building, congregation, ministries, etc). When I've been asked to help welcoming new members, I've had to sit with them during breakfast (the day they're accepted and introduced as new members of the church) and give them a better idea what the church is and especially what it's not. Most importantly, being a member of a Christian congregation means being part of the Church and the household of God.

By the way, I want to point out that I'm fond of being a Christian and being a member of FAPC. I also thank this church for the opportunities it's given me to be part of the Church and be able serve God.

worst father ever, me (maybe)

Then again (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-father-ever-me.html), sometimes I think I'm so bad of a father (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html). Only time and God would tell.

worst father ever, me

I do everything possible for my boys, but whatever I do is and will never be enough and I've got need to sugarcoat it.

1. I'm not there for my oldest child (19). It doesn't matter how much I miss him. I haven't been with him in the good and bad. I've truly failed him regardless how many times he may say otherwise.
2. My middle child (9) was diagnosed with a disorder when he was a still practically a baby. For the past seven to eight years, there's been very little that I've been able to accomplish to improve his quality of life, but he's not healed.
3. My youngest (2) seems to be healthy as all his tests come back clean (perhaps inconclusive, maybe too early to tell). Perhaps he doesn't feel loved and/or cared for appropriately since taking care of my second child (his own brother) demands lots of time and effort, but he doesn't know how to express it or simply can't -- at least, not as of yet. At times I can't give my youngest everything he wants (toys especially) since most of the money I earn is spent on medications and therapies for my middle child.

It's depressing to fall short for my children. I'm practically taking from one child to give to the other. Further more, I don't like the possible wrong "values" that I may be teaching my three boys. Having them baptized as Christians isn't enough.

starting over: pizza diet, the diet of the (un)holy

During some of my toughest times (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/starting-over.html), I could only afford a slice or two of pizza and large cup of soda at most. Eating a piece of flat bread with tomato sauce and cheese with carbonated water made me lose lots of weight. Surprisingly I was healthy (thanks God).

Sometimes the worst of times brings the best of something although I'm not sure what. All I know is that it could have been much worse. Maybe that positive "thing" could have been much more if I had been going to a good church to maintain my mind and soul. Maybe it was a call that I might have failed or a test of endurance that I excelled in.

starting over

The whole idea of starting anew penniless scares most people. It's an old and beaten idea that makes me fairly uncomfortable. I've gone through it several times in my adult life and I've got no plans to go through it again (1991, 1993, 1995 & 2003).

Then again, the idea of moving to a new home or getting a new job can be seen as starting a new life. This is how I feel with my recent move to a new apartment and after changing banks. It's a new me -- at least with the same job, same debts, same little money left over from paycheck to paycheck, same old problems and fears.

Of course, the idea of starting over and becoming a truly good person does sound attracting, but I often fall back to my old self. It's hard to unlearn bad habits and be a better person. Maybe I need to hang out much more time in church.

pledge campaign

As a means to give back to God what he's given us, we make our offers and tithes (10% of income; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/05/to-tithe-or-not-to-tithe-yet-never.html). The church as a building needs to be maintained (utilities, ministries, supplies, etc; as estimated budget of $2.5 million). Hence we're asked to help and pledge for a present and future offering. As much I'd like to give back as much as I've been given, it's tough for me to do so with my limited resources. I have to support my children and pay back bills and other moneys. At the end of the fortnight, I'm flat broke and it just doesn't feel right. At the same time, my children have what they need or at least do my best to give them everything they need. Hence by doing my best can be good enough for my boys as a father -- yet not as a Christian.

outside society

As a human I think too much about everything around me. I constantly feel like an observer, an outsider. My mind shifts from society, its norms and its folklore to the individual's myths, beliefs and religion. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of learning and acquiring wisdom.

I'm just outside society and the "common" social or individualistic life. I observe others all the time especially when I've got nothing to do. I see groups of individuals (considering that humans love to group people and things to understand them).

1. Many are simply worried about their work, reading and/or answering emails, making sure their suits are perfect and perhaps forgetting how to live.

2. Some study to know more either for money or knowledge. This includes those "intellectuals" who read War and Peace on their time off (nothing wrong with reading great literature, of course, especially Tolstoy; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Tolstoy) to simply show off.

3. Some don't seem to care about anything at all, but themselves (pretty faces and/or bodies, expensive clothes, latest mobile phone, etc).

4. Some just seem to live in fear for whatever wicked reason. They dwell in silence and pain -- almost in a state of paranoia.

5. Some read religious material like devotionals and even the Bible itself.

These individuals seem to fit in one or more groups at one or another. Nonetheless our society seems to have five gods -- work/money, knowledge, self, fear and The Lord.

I don't know which of these (other than the third) is correct. I wish I could the say the fifth, but I'd be a hypocrite. I've been part of all these groups (except the third) at some point or another. Then again, out shame or obligation, I want it to be the fifth. Hence most of the material of this blog I've written while riding the subway or bus.

In this city, we're too careful (fear) and keep to ourselves (privacy). We all worry about holding on to jobs and/or have some type of monetary income to pay rent and have something to eat. Therefore religion at times plays little importance.

an empty envelope, stale bread and grape juice (not wine)

For some (if not most) churches, yesterday was Communion Sunday. On such occasion, we take a piece of stale bread and dip it in grape juice (representation of wine) to celebrate the victory over sin from the Christ and the feast that God has for us in Heaven.

Yesterday was also Independence Day and we celebrated our freedom over oppression (or lack of liberty, to say it in a nicer way). It was a double celebration for Christians as we sang Christian national hymns like "America the Beautiful" as I remember singing as a small child in elementary school.

As much as we're free, lots are poor and most of us simply struggle to survive financially in this land of riches, the brave and the free. Nonetheless, holding on to our faith, we go to church to find God or for spiritual shelter. Yet we feel bad at times not to be able to give back the "fruit of our labors" as much or at all. Hence our offering envelopes contain less than our 10% or are cowardly empty.

How can it be that some go to bed hungry? How can we do nothing when political agendas take our freedoms, our rights, our benefits when poor or unemployed or disabled and especially our faith away? While trying not to insult groups of individuals, we're allowing some idiots kill this great Christian nation many times over and over.

Yet we return every Sunday (or as often as we can or feel the need to do so) to church to find shelter in God and drown our numerous pains. Once again we reach in deep in our pockets just to fill another empty offering and sit in shame -- even as we know that God would still welcome us with open arms regardless of our riches or lack of. Most troubling, we again hold on to our empty faith as we fail to remember that we're now living in a land where it's almost illegal to say the name of God in public (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/06/end-of-this-great-christian-nation-pt-3.html).

to tithe or not to tithe... yet never enough

The Bible says that we should give 10% of the gifts that God has given us back to God -- well actually to the church for its outreach ministries especially and to cover other monetary obligations (rent, utilities, taxes, etc). In a modern world, this means 10% of our income. In other words, we must return a dime for every dollar, a dollar for every ten, ten for every hundred, a hundred for every thousand. Well you get the idea.

Said the latter, each of my boys should give a dime for every dollar I give them for sweets or such goodies. Honestly I don't think they would be thrilled by the idea.

The problem is what to do when one's money is spent in personal debts, medical expenses and such (90 to 95%). Can a person do both -- tithe and take care of himself and family while living paycheck to paycheck?

Most people in this latter scenario would cover his own expenses especially when dealing with family and/or medical expenses. Why do I bring this up? I don't have enough money (sometimes any left over) to tithe after expenses on my children and medical expenses, neither of which is optional. I merely give what I can -- a set dollar amount every week. Yet I know this isn't enough, never enough.

faith & health

Sometimes you can only hold on to faith (God, yourself, someone, something, etc). I hold on to my faith that one day my son would be 100% well and healthy. Of course, I'm not going to wait for a miracle. I'll try all possibilities and hope that one of them is the correct one. I'll just let God guide me 'cause sometimes my cross is too heavy.

My son is non-verbal and needs an augmentative and alternative communication (AAC; http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/AAC.htm) device, which can cost around $5000 (what a ridiculous and offensive price). As an alternative, I bought TapToTalk (http://www.taptotalk.com/) and a Gameboy (http://www.nintendo.com/ds/systems/dsixl) for my son to use as an AAC device for about $300. Sometimes money is the least of my concerns specially when it comes to my son's health, but I don't have $5000 (cash or credit) right now to pay for a "real" ACC device.

In all, this is practically an experiment. I don't know how this will turn out and I might write more later.