love, sex & tattoos: kinky fucking love

I guess that if I want to finish these three ideas -- love, sex and tattoos.

1. love, sex & tattoos: ink
   http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/love-sex-tattoos-ink.html
2. love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie
   http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/love-sex-tattoos-sex-junkie.html

Hence here's the conclusion -- my ideas of love, how I feel love.

I decided to change this post. If you care to see what I had posted here, which I had posted about five days ago, go to http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/something-i-wrote-on-someone-elses-blog.html.

Love in general, this human emotion referred to as love's been difficult for me have and share. From an early age, I wondered if my parents really loved me regardless how often I was told so, but my father dared to prove me wrong (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html).The only persons who loved me without a doubt were my maternal grandparents (both dead) who taught me the core Christian values that I hold dearly to.

When most of us hear the word "love," we think of a relationship between a man and a woman. In my case, love came early (first grade, age 5). Each year I was in "love" with a different girl. Junior high school was no exception and neither was high school, but I was always the ugly duckling or the kid who couldn't afford gifts and crap as much as other kids. College was different as I literally had girls to choose from. It was a shocking surprise, but I enjoyed this change. I gained confidence, but this hallow confidence's not love. Women come and go, yet remaining lonesome for no one to care or hold. Love's a nasty feeling. Being in love's much worse.

The only place where I've been able find love's in the presence of my children. They're my life and soul. I'd be with them till the day I die, but first I need to leave them a future that can take care of them financially.

Ironically enough, as a bad cosmic joke, life is merely sick and twisted forms of LOVE, SEX and TATTOOS.

love, sex & tattoos: sex junkie

I've been a sex junkie since I was a kid, which is definitely not right. Maybe this messed me as an individual. Maybe this is the reason I can't feel love and/or loved.

My early (real or false) memories of sexual activity go back as early as five or six years of age -- being molested, nothing new or strange in this hellish world of ours. Whether coaxed or deceived, "playing" with my penis at that age was a child abuse. Surprisingly my mother knew about it till I confronted her about three or four years ago. Needless to say (write), my father doesn't know and I don't care to tell him (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-fathers-last-betrayal.html).

I do remember that about that same time a cousin of mine (a year older, but shorter) and I were naked (the first girl I ever saw naked) facing each other while locked in the bathroom. In my vague recollection, I think we had some sort sex act (not sure if penetration). Of course, we've never talked about it. It'd be strange if having intercourse with cousin were my first time with a girl. Needless to say (write), I wouldn't have ruled it out and/or complain if that were the case.

A short time later, I masturbated for first time when I was nine or ten. I wasn't even sure what I was doing and I definitely didn't know that the substance coming out of me was semen, but it felt really good. Ignorance can sometimes be good after all.

About the same time, another cousin of mine (about three years older, maybe twelve at the time, also shorter) and I while visiting some relatives shared the same bed (no big deal for two small children to share a bed). I remember going to sleep with my hand in her panties while playing with her coarse pubic hair. What I can't recall is how or why I started touching her and most importantly why she let me do it. Did she get off on it? I never asked her.

I might have been too innocent, too naive or simply too stupid in my early teens. Once a girl I had just met asked me to have sex with her and took back her offer as I was shocked at her request. A short time later, my then-sort-of-girlfriend made a slight reference to having sex with her as she'd just started having ovulation cycles. Maybe I could've had sex with hundreds of girls and satisfy my animal instincts and lust, but I've never thought of it as worthwhile (no love, mere intercourse). The whole idea of getting dirty (OCD) having my penis and/or tongue inside multiple vaginas, rectums and/or mouths (clean or not) stopped me from acting on my animal instincts and needs. As an alternative, I always opted for frequent masturbation, which was much cleaner.

Years later, when I was eighteen, I know for sure that I "lost" my virginity with my ex-wife and mother of my oldest son (19).

At the end of the day, maybe this why I've got no problem with my sexuality, nudity and that of anyone else for that matter (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/nudity-damaged-by-religion.html). Most importantly, I've always been into the obscure and kinky side of sexuality. I also like feeding off conversations with my female friends as they tell me about their sexual experiences.

In all, does MY DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR make a bad person? I truly hope not.

love, sex & tattoos: ink

Why did I choose this title? Well it sounds cool like a movie title or so. Besides I wanted to write about tattoos (ink) on this entry.

In some societies, tattoos are the norm (part of culture itself), socially accepted (tolerated) while not in others no matter what. In the US, tattoos have become "normal" and widely accepted (tolerated). Nevertheless some people still find the combination of these three behaviors or at least tattoos deviant to the point of cataloging many not as mere rebels or trend seekers, but as junkies or worse yet criminals. Some in this latter group might even say that "true" Christians shouldn't have tattoos for an infinite number of excuses, from which the most interesting is relating tattoos as a sort of demonic practice or the mark of the devil.

"1 And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.
3 And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.
4 And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?
5 And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.
6 And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.
7 And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.
8 And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.
9 If any man have an ear, let him hear.
10 He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
11 And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.
12 And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed.
13 And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men,
14 And deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live.
15 And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed.
16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:
17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

- Revelation 13:1-18, KJV (1769)

I don't think tattoos affect someone's faith. It's not like the tattoo of a heart with the name of someone that person loves will drive that person to hell. At the same time, it's not like my tattoo of a tribal band with a skull and ripped skin portrays evil. If you can't get a joke as such, you're definitely too stupid to have your opinion worth paying attention to -- AFTER ALL IT'S ONLY INK.

something I wrote on someone else's blog

Love is simple -- unconditional and conditional, true and false, real and a sham, part-time and full-time.

1. It's that unconditional love that a parent has for his/her child.
   
   
2. It's that unconditional love of that of child to a parent -- at least we hope so.
   
   
3. It's a chemical reaction in the brain that triggers the need of being satisfied by a person, the sexual attraction to that person and remaining with that person. It's the CONDITIONAL love between two people as long as that satisfaction is met. Visit http://bigthink.com/ideas/18776 (Helen Fisher Explains Why Casual Sex Doesn't Exist, Big Think).
   
   
4. Being this blog part of the church, the answer would be the love of God for us -- as the father (God) loves his children (us) unconditionally when we make him happy, cry or angry. See number 1.
   
   
5. In the case of loving others, my take would be on being satisfied by something that they can do for us. See number 3.
   
   Love for others (a stranger worse off) is never and will never be unconditional because of our greed, selfishness, needs to be satisfied, anger and everything else that makes us hunters (humans) especially in NYC. See number 1.

old flames & temptation, Facebook to blame

Well it seems that Facebook leads to sex, being unfaithful, sinful and dirty. Well at least a NJ pastor says.

"I've been in extended counseling with couples with marital problems because of Facebook for the last year and a half," he said. "What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great."

Neptune pastor tells married church leaders to stop using Facebook
http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2010/11/neptune_pastor_tells_marrried.html

Lots of us have Facebook accounts to be close to our friends (new and old). At times, we find someone who was part of our lives (old flames) whom we still hold some level of friendship. Restarting this or that friend shouldn't matter because by the time we meet them again most of them are married, committed and/or have children. Nonetheless you should know better to simply keep your pants on.

On a personal note, in my Facebook account, I've got my friends from high school (some whom I've been friends with since elementary school), college (two different ones), work (past & present), church (that crazy bunch), related friends (friends of friends who've become good friends of mine, including an ex), some family (mom, oldest sister, nephews & son) and even a fellow conservative (politics) both in the States and abroad (as far as Taiwan to the east and Chile to the south). Most of my friends do the same especially to be close with our old friends who live all over the world nowadays.

nudity, damaged by religion

Many people feel uncomfortable with their own nudity. Either they feel dirty (damage of religion), fat or ugly (damage of society). There's nothing wrong with nudity and appreciate THE BEAUTY OF SOMEONE'S NUDE BODY. Religion plays an important role tainting nudity and sex as something dirty -- a sin, a shame. This is perhaps the biggest damage religion -- especially Christianity -- has dared to make. According to religion, I shouldn't walk around naked in my apartment if I felt like it because nudity's dirty (how stupid). At the same time, society's corrupted the mind of many making them believe that a "beautiful" body is within certain parameters. Hence not fitting in such means that the person's not desired and that no one cares to see him/her. Let's not forget that beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

The only problem in nudity and hence sex -- in my opinion (fucking disclaimers) -- exists on the mind of the perverted who prefer not to appreciate, but rather want to hurt (for example, rape) or sell oneself (for example, prostitution). This idea of a "real" problem's shared by religion and society.

Now the use of one's nudity involving recreational sex might or might not be part of latter. Purists would say that sexual intercourse must be limited to a married couple. Of course, in today's society it doesn't quite work that way. Although religion still attacks it, society doesn't condemn it. Further more, society uses sex to sell ideas (advertisement & propaganda).

Said all this, I wouldn't care to post a picture of me naked, but society wastes no time to catalog it as pornography and hence bad. Hence I need to comply with society in order to keep this blog clean and not scare of readers (if any).

10% teen gay sex (NYC)

Putting religion aside, men and women have experimented sexually maybe since humans were created. Depending how you see the following article, we could say that men and women start experimenting early in their sexual lives -- teenage experimentation. Then again gay sex might be a game, a tease, a dare or a way to find out about heterosexuality and homosexuality. Gay sex doesn't quite mean being gay, but it's seen that way.

"The study published Monday in the journal Pediatrics analyzed 17,220 public health surveys and found that more than a third of teens who had same-sex encounters identified themselves as straight."

Study: 1 in 10 Teens Has Had a Same-Sex Partner
http://www.aolhealth.com/2010/10/25/10-percent-teens-have-same-sex-partner/

Of course, within religion, gay sex is condemned. In some churches, it could even mean being kicked out of the church congregation and not being allowed back in the church building. Needless to say, some people (not only teens) have committed suicide due to the shame or at times been driven to suicide by teasing and/or rejection of his/her family and/or peers.

how much, too much?

My friend Brenda (33) got married last night. She had been with over 120 men (failed relationships mostly, not sleeping around or so I think). That's 18 years of being sexually active before meeting her husband, an average of 6.6667 partners per year. It's awkward to know that she's given herself to all these faceless and nameless men. Further more, I guess my friend's husband doesn't care or simply doesn't know how many men she's shared her bed with.

My friend Annie (28) has also "been around" -- about 35 times. That's an average of 2.9167 men a year including one-night-stands and even sex for drugs. Well now she's engaged and hopefully she'll be happy in her new life commitments and marriage.

My friend Rose (33) has also been around some 35 to 40 (maybe over 30 after moving in with her boyfriend and father of her daughter). That's about 2.3529 men per year in long term "secondary" relationships or simply having sex with strangers.

Said all this, how many sex partners are too much? For women, the average in the US is 4 men in a life time. For men, it's definitely different thanks to social double standards and such -- 6 to 8 women (http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html#number).

How does it all affect our faith? After we're taught to believe in the Laws of Moses (10 Commandments). Most Christians (myself included) tend to forget that we shouldn't fornicate (no sex before or outside marriage).

gay marriage

This is one of topics that I've tried to avoid for a long while. Anyway, what's marriage? (1) Marriage from a religious point of view is the UNION of a man and a woman before God. (2) From a legal stand point, marriage is a CIVIL CONTRACT between a man and a woman for purposes of rights, inheritance, protection of minors (children born or adopted within the marriage) and so on. Further more, what does the qualifier (adjective) gay mean? One definition is being happy, but in this case we refer to homosexuality. In other words, we refer to the UNION of two men or two women before God and the CIVIL CONTRACT between two men or two women.

Do I condemn homosexuality as a practice, feeling or attraction between to persons of the same sex? No, I don't and can't. Only God can condemn.

Do gays have the right to live freely and co-inhabit with whomever they want? Of course, they do. Everyone has the right to love and be loved.

Said all this, do I agree with gay marriage? No, I don't. I especially disagree with their "right" of having or adopting a child. Maybe I'm too selfishly conservative to give gays the right to marry -- to proclaim their unity before God and the civil contract. At the same time I have the perfect scapegoat -- religion. I was brought up rejecting homosexuality. As much as I've tried to be open-minded, I still feel uncomfortable around gay men -- the eternal idea and fear of molestation and sexual abuse of minors.

I have friends who support gay marriage and whose over all political ideologies are WRONG (different than mine). These friends will hate me for expressing myself so openly. Then again, politics and religion are two taboo topics -- especially if mixed.

I know I should keep my mind off politics and concentrate in religion -- hence the material that I've been writing on this blog. Nonetheless I find it disturbing that a openly-gay federal judge overturned Proposition 8 (http://www.whatisprop8.com/) -- the decision that about seven million voters in California made to ban gay marriage (08/04/2010). The very next day Elena Kagan -- a person who has avoided the question about being gay -- was confirmed as a new justice (05/05/2010). Now there are talks that this Proposition 8 might go to the supreme court. This means that gay marriage now depends on the decision of nice people (justices) who may over ride seven million voters at their selfish, stupid and biased discretion. If this new justice is gay, she might influence the decision.

It seems to be a personal and/or political agenda to force the nation to accept gay marriage.

It seems that this nation will once again go against its core values and accept another stupidity as a norm.

So it seems that the end of this Christian nation is only a matter of time.

what not to do, touch, see, listen, taste, smell, feel, have sex with, etc

I still have issues trying to understand what are proper or correct things to do as a Christian -- well aside from anything that breaks the Law of Moses of course.

Some would say that horror movies are not godly correct. The same has been said about music (for example, rock & roll), art (nudes, how sick), food (pork, non Kosher/Halal filth), clothes (miniskirts, oh such horror), flesh (sex, how dirty) and probably every single thing in the cosmos (including aliens in other worlds).

Considering all this, most of the universe if not all is from the devil and will trigger our eternal damnation. That means that we're surrounded by devil music, devil art, devil food, devil clothes (Halloween costumes most likely included), devil flesh (devil in the flesh) and a devil universe/reality. This assumption is absurd as you can read especially in Genesis 1:4, 1:10, 1:12, 1:18 and 1:21.

"1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw it was good.
11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
-- Genesis 1:1-28 (KJV)

God made everything across the whole cosmos and then proclaimed it GOOD. We make things good or bad, pure or filthy. It's all in our minds and souls. Hence trying to be completely honest to ourselves and leaving our selfish prejudice aside, what's godly correct and what's not? Maybe the best answer came from a minister who told me to avoid anything that takes us away from the Light.

I guess this means that watching a gory movie with zombies and other monsters is fine as long as it doesn't affect my faith. After all that movie's merely a piece of fiction to take our minds off our problems for an hour or two (four hours in the case of Lord of the Rings) and make us laugh.

living in New York, sin & weather

Living in New York can a test to one's sanity. This city might just be the worst part of earth to be a Christian or a believer regardless of religion or faith. I'll list a few reasons why.

1. People (myself included much too many times) are rude and annoying to others. For example, in the subway you can be surrounded by nice people, idiots, thieves, murderers or any type of individual you can think of. The same is true in the streets, work and pretty much everywhere in the city. You never really know how others would react provoked or not hence you need to remain in a constant defensive mode.

2. Winter is brutal (5°F in the coldest of winter with winds up to 30 mph) and summer can be even worse (105°F with 100% humidity). Temperatures go from one extreme to the other. As the weather is right now (92°F on 05/26/2010, too early for this weather; http://www.wunderground.com/history/airport/KNYC/2010/5/26/DailyHistory.html?req_city=NA&req_state=NA&req_statename=NA), it seems this year will more brutal than others. This makes a big number of people wear as little as possible during summer -- next to nothing leaving very little to the imagination or barely covering themselves.

3. Drugs, alcohol and other vices are also everywhere. It's hard to raise a child here, but not impossible. It's just a matter of supervision and trust. As a parent, you must do to everything possible not to allow your children to lose the naive (practically blind) trust that as little children they had in you.

The whole environment of the city is toxic and can sure test a person's will and/or faith. You either think about having sex with the semi-nude inhabitants (above #2) or punching the idiots in the face (above #1). I often fall on the second group.

Nonetheless, if you were to ask my friends or me, we wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Needless to say, most of my friends are good people and spiritual, but just a few go to church or temple. Then again as I've mentioned, it's hard to be 100% Christian (good, loving, godly, etc) in this city.

pornography in social networks

It still surprises how easily men and women in social networks for adults only can freely share pictures of themselves naked, comment on one another, flirt with each other explicitly and even have sex with these strangers regardless of sexual orientation including homosexual acts for fun, pleasure and/or mere experimentation.

A good example is my friend Rose who has had sex once or more times with at least twenty (20) different men whom she had met in several of these sites. Perhaps she'd kill me when or if she reads this. Then again she might just let me get away with this. After all, I'm not using her full name and it it could simply refer to any other girl named Rose doing the same.

Now I'm not going to play the role of a saint or sorts. When it comes to sex, I enjoy pornographic material and have even worked on an adult website about seven years ago. I recognize that pornography and many sexual behaviors that I engage in as an addiction from a psychopathological point of view or at least sinful -- the total opposite of what it means to be Christian. Perhaps befriending homosexuals, transsexuals and transgenders might fall in this list. Said the latter, what am I doing on this blog writing about religion and faith? Am I such a filthy hypocrite or simply stupid? I'll let you decide for now and I'll find out later. Anyway I know that I'm trying to set myself straight even if it means exposing myself as the broken person who I've become through out the years.

relationships and religion

These are two concepts don't usually go together. Two people who love one another don't necessarily need to have the same religious beliefs.

I've been relationships where she was (or still is) a die-hard Catholic or Protestant or non-religious at all (non-practicing Christian). Although at the time I wasn't a practicing Catholic or Christian in general, there was usually some level of friction due to a religious (denominational) belief or another. The biggest question that's come up has been what church (if any) to go to or what to do on Sunday morning.

These denominational differences also cause friction with the beliefs that a child would brought up with.

My first child has been raised Catholic, not as a simple social tag as I was raised, but as a deep spiritual belief. My two youngest boys (different relationship) are being raised without real (if any) religious beliefs. I'd try to teach them my beliefs or at least give them a broad background in theology and Christology.

The concept of sex and religion is a whole different mess all together. Depending on what a church (common spiritual beliefs of a social group who gather in a building in a given geographical area) teaches its congregation, sex can be good or evil to some degree within a specific group of norms (behaviors accepted and regulated by a social group). Within these social/religious/denominational differences a couple of different religious backgrounds may enjoy sex or not, experiment sexually (being kinky or simply naughty) or be subject to other limitations in their sexual behavior. From the animal point of view, one might consider cheating or simply do it to experience what his/her religious beliefs forces him/her to comply (sin).

For example, if you're told that anal sex is the biggest taboo in your church, you might get curious and want to experience it at least once. If your partner doesn't want to experience this behavior, you might consider doing so with someone else. Whether you do comply with your curiosity and urges outside your relationship, it's a completely different issue all together (cheating, fornication, sin, etc).

Do I experiment? Of course I do. I don't see any sexual behavior as a taboo.

Do I believe that sexual experimentation is a sin? I no longer know. I honestly don't care.

Have I cheated? I had indeed.

Does it bother me that I had cheated? I no longer feel this way.

In general, I'm disconnected from these feelings. Nonetheless I want to be a good Christian.

the two of me

As of right now, I see two different personalities living together -- that of a man eager to be good Christian and that of a hard-core addict to anything related to sex.

As a good Christian, I try to be devoted to church and community, learning about the scriptures, etc. I might be an extension from being a union activist and being part of various on-line support groups, especially if related to computers or mental diseases.

As a hard-core addict to anything related to sex, I ran an adult website several years ago and I'm still a member of various on-line adult communities. In positive note (at least to my opinion), I continue to be very open to any sexual topic and situation (no taboos).

These two sides of me might merely be my bipolar condition and the constant struggle between good and evil inside me.