my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html), pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

my statement of faith as of 2010/12/16

It's a good idea to confess our faith and beliefs on God periodically and compare each to previous ones. Said the latter, without reading my previous statement of faith, I've written the following.

I believe in a (only one) God

1. who's good and never cruel,
2. who'll one day respond to my most important prayer,
3. who'll someday heal my son and/or lead me to find a cure,
4. who'll someday take away the suffering from my sick little boy,
5. who'll be with my sick child after I die and/or give him a new carer,
6. who's at the same time failed to protect my son and saw me holding my lifeless child (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html),
7. who's seen me break down and live my deepest pains for my sick child too many times,
8. whom I've doubted many times in anger and despair if he'll ever heal my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html),
9. whom I still have faith that my son will be healthy once again (wishful, hopeful thinking),
10. who still gives me strength to continue fighting for my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html),

My original idea when writing this statement was to compare it against the first one I ever published (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-statement-of-faith-as-of-20100331-at.html), but I don't think it's good idea any more. I see I'm holding too much pain and anger right now. I might have simply changed for the worse as a Christian (lack of faith) and a person (more negative to humankind in general).

rants: my defective brain

I've been taking all my medications as of late (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/not-taking-my-medications.html), but my behavior's been somewhat off. Maybe this is why I was more depressed than usual during the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Does this mean I'll be depressed out of my mind on Christmas day? I hope not, but I'll try to keep my mind busy helping at church during two of three Christmas Eve services (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-revisited.html).

Could it be that I need to increase the dosage of my current medications or simply try a new combination of medications? Well for the time being, my psychiatrist just changed one of three medications. It's a matter of time to know if this new prescription works for me.

my son's first ever seizure, two Sundays later

Since my son had a seizure in the early hours of Monday 11/29/2010 morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I freak out every Sunday night wondering if he could suffer another seizure in early hours of the next Monday morning. This surely gives a new meaning to the "Monday Blues."

Undoubtedly I'm still worried and scared for my son's health, life and over all well being. I check on him day and night to the point that he must be sick of me. I keep waking up at all times of the night to make sure he hasn't fallen unconscious in his sleep after another seizure. Needless to say (type), at work especially, I can't stop wondering if the next phone call I get is to inform me of another emergency. At least, my mental state's much clearer after the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Without much of a forcefully given choice, I'll have to learn how to live with the possibility and reality that epilepsy most likely won't go away from my child's life. Nonetheless I could at least be ready for another emergency and hopefully for anything else that "life" throws at us without letting my emotions clog my mind and/or judgment. I must definitely think this way since I've always been calm, rational, logical and practically cold-blooded after any accident or emergency and I'd hate lose this part of me.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html). One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?
   
   
2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?
   
   Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.
   
   
3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?

Blue Christmas (MMX): something to think about

By the way, the Christmas season (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html) brings the highest level of depression in some people and hence numbers of suicides. It also brings out the most hypocrisy out of people too as they act as if they really cared about their fellow men. This is truly the season to be dying -- either loosing your material life or your soul.

Blue Christmas (MMX)

I'm looking forward to tonight's Blue Christmas worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html). I'm glad that there's such a thing as a Christmas service for those of us who are blue (sad, depressed, troubled, lonesome, etc; in my case, all the latter). Sometimes Christmas (the Mass of the Christ, the celebration of the coming of Messiah, the incarnation of God) isn't as joyful for some (myself included) as it seems to be for the majority of others.

I must admit that I'm always blue during Christmas, which stopped being fun over two decades ago. This is simply not my favorite time of the year. Now with my son suffering a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I feel even worse. In the past ten days or so, I've been able to see deeper into the soul of those so-called experts who once promised to look after the sick and especially the handicapped. Hence I'm in no mood to be joyful. It hurts deeply to see him not being able to enjoy the whole "holiday" charade and the stupid TV specials like other children. As someone told me last night, there's a possibility that any day could be my son's last and I simply don't have any intention of burying my son so early in his broken and limited life.

One thing that's made it easier for me to cope with all the charade of love and joy charade of the season has been listening to my all-time favorite Christmas record, Excelsis v.2 ~ a winter's song (http://www.projekt.com/projekt/product.asp?sku=PRO00092) with goth rock bands interpreting Christmas songs much more beautifully than I've ever heard them.

In all, this will be another dark and depressing Christmas. I might just lock myself in my room and watch Japanese horror/gore movies or whatever I might be in the mood for. Of course, my mother as usual will try to cheer me up and fail miserably only making me more upset.

On a good note, during the Christmas services, I'd try to help as much as I can and feel useful serving God in some cheap way -- all the while feeling miserable inside. Hopefully I'd be able to hold on to whatever's left of my faith.

about seven months later

So I haven't written in so long. So what have I done in the meantime.

1. I finally got both my little boys baptized (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/04/two-baptisms-two-wet-ones-to-go-please.html).

2. I've continued going to FAPC every Sunday, even the special services services during the week like the Outreach and the Blue Christmas services.

3. I've tried to keep myself busy in church either as an escape from my life, as service and/or to grow in faith. I've even helped during two of three Christmas candlelight services and volunteering (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/03/volunteering.html).

4. I've even nominated myself for the position of member-at-large (volunteer to help whenever needed, without many or any administrative obligations). Depending how I like this, I might nominate myself once again for the same position or for deacon if daring.

Yet I still wonder if this whole behavior is a real act of faith or the biggest lie to my own self.