my son's first ever seizure, a month later

Tonight I'll go to sleep mentally ready for anything. My nine-year-old had a seizure -- first time ever -- a month ago last night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). It's been a difficult month wondering if he'd have another seizure, perhaps even die or end up severely handicapped due to brain damage. I can only hold back my tears (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html), pray and wait. Regardless what all the so-called experts who've seen my son say, I see a change in my son's psyche and over all behavior. His brain seems to have been affected -- for a lack of a better term, fried.

my son's first ever seizure, my dying son?

As much as doctors and others tell me that my son will be fine (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-my-sons-last.html), I still feel that a part of my son died that night (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). He seems to have been affected as his over all behavior's changed negatively. He's become more irritable, hyper, depressed, acting "crazy" and even dangerously reckless. I don't want him to end up taking antidepressants and/or anti-psychotics (like I do).

Maybe I'm stupidly exaggerating, but I've got a bad feeling in my mind that all these so-called experts aren't being fully honest with me. Could a next seizure or any other medical incident kill him or leave him in a comma or some other vegetative state? This isn't the type of thoughts that a parent should have. I should be worried about his grades, school and/or any troubles children are expected to do.

Needless to say (type), being so worried and afraid is taking a huge toll on my mental health falling in and out of depression (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html) or anxiety. I hope my mind's just making a sick joke on me. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I still wonder if there's anything I could do to stop my son's health from deteriorating more. If anyone cares to know, I love my son and I'm scared to death for his health, quality of life and his life in general (any possibility of death, vegetative state, etc).

For now, at least, my son might have to spend a night or two in a hospital for an EEG and whatever other test the neurologist orders. This means that I'd have to take a couple days from work and be by his side. All I know is that he'll be bored and in a rotten mood.

For some reason, I had the stupid idea of sending an email like the text above to my mother. She responded first thing this morning. One part of her email said that my son came to earth to accomplish a task -- allowing me to be a father to him. Hence if he were to die from any or all his medical condition or simply at a young age, I'd have an angel in heaven. This statement absolutely sucks!

IN ALL, I JUST HOPE I'M STUPIDLY BLOODY WRONG!

my son's first ever seizure, two Sundays later

Since my son had a seizure in the early hours of Monday 11/29/2010 morning (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I freak out every Sunday night wondering if he could suffer another seizure in early hours of the next Monday morning. This surely gives a new meaning to the "Monday Blues."

Undoubtedly I'm still worried and scared for my son's health, life and over all well being. I check on him day and night to the point that he must be sick of me. I keep waking up at all times of the night to make sure he hasn't fallen unconscious in his sleep after another seizure. Needless to say (type), at work especially, I can't stop wondering if the next phone call I get is to inform me of another emergency. At least, my mental state's much clearer after the Blue Christmas service last week (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html).

Without much of a forcefully given choice, I'll have to learn how to live with the possibility and reality that epilepsy most likely won't go away from my child's life. Nonetheless I could at least be ready for another emergency and hopefully for anything else that "life" throws at us without letting my emotions clog my mind and/or judgment. I must definitely think this way since I've always been calm, rational, logical and practically cold-blooded after any accident or emergency and I'd hate lose this part of me.

Blue Christmas (MMX) - revisited

So I survived my pains, sorrows, depression and other demons (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-aftershock.html). Now all I need to do now's to survive the rest of the bloody HOLIDAY season -- loneliness, hypocrisy, commercialism, stupid TV specials and joyful faces.

At least, I'll spend some quality time this CHRISTMAS helping with two of the three main services. Well I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids too.

Blue Christmas (MMX): the aftershock

As hard as I strongly doubted for a while my so-called blind faith that God will actually heal my sick little boy, I feel much calmer after the 47-minute worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx-finally-breaking.html). Maybe it was the psychological factor of being vulnerable while venting and weeping in the company of someone who cared for me enough to be by my side (two pastors, the second several minutes after the first one) in a sheltered environment (the church I go to) -- hence being a mere placebo effect of feeling a higher power and protection. Of course, as a Christian, the best response would be that it was the grace and mercy of God on me, to which I'm fairly more inclined to believe. I'm nonetheless aware and deeply concerned of the possible risks and dangers that child may face from now on with his new medical condition (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html).

Blue Christmas (MMX): finally breaking down

I finally broke down right before the Blue Christmas service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html). One of the pastors asked me about my children and I just broke down shamelessly weeping in church. After a long talk, the pastor told me that Jesus is with me and my child. This thought wasn't very reassuring given my state of mind at the time. After all, I've prayed asking for God to heal my son for the past eight years and I've held to a blind faith that he'd heal my son. A little time later, another pastor came to me, put his hand on my shoulder and seemed to have prayed for me and then asked me to see him at some near future date.

So far, it's been so little that we've been able to achieve to improve my child's quality of life. Maybe I don't have enough faith that Jesus will help my son. Maybe I've lost most of the little faith that I held on to about a little bit over a year ago. Hence I constantly ask myself the same questions.

1. Have I done anything so bad that my child's got to pay for my sins?
   
   
2. If the latter were true, must my child suffer every second of his life for something we'll never figure out in order for me to mend it right away?
   
   Then again, I can't get in my mind that God could be cruel and hurt an innocent child (my son) to punish someone (me). In all, I don't want to see my child suffer any more. I'd definitely do anything for him to be well.
   
   
3. Can anyone just tell me what in the bloody fuck I must do -- besides praying, putting my faith in God and looking for a scientific "cure" of sorts?

my son's first ever seizure, my son's last hours?

I'm reminded over and over that my son might die from seizures (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). I already saw him practically dead (motionless, unresponsive, unconscious, vegetative, etc) that night as I held him in my arms. I hate to think that my little boy could die (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-247.html) -- worse off in such a painful manner. It hurts too much to even think about it and not knowing what I can do to help (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-eve-of.html). Maybe I just have to take each day as if it was his last and make the best of it. Whatever the case, this desperation's chocking the life out of me and destroying whatever's left of my sanity.

Blue Christmas (MMX): something to think about

By the way, the Christmas season (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/blue-christmas-mmx.html) brings the highest level of depression in some people and hence numbers of suicides. It also brings out the most hypocrisy out of people too as they act as if they really cared about their fellow men. This is truly the season to be dying -- either loosing your material life or your soul.

Blue Christmas (MMX)

I'm looking forward to tonight's Blue Christmas worship service (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/01/about-seven-months-later.html). I'm glad that there's such a thing as a Christmas service for those of us who are blue (sad, depressed, troubled, lonesome, etc; in my case, all the latter). Sometimes Christmas (the Mass of the Christ, the celebration of the coming of Messiah, the incarnation of God) isn't as joyful for some (myself included) as it seems to be for the majority of others.

I must admit that I'm always blue during Christmas, which stopped being fun over two decades ago. This is simply not my favorite time of the year. Now with my son suffering a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html), I feel even worse. In the past ten days or so, I've been able to see deeper into the soul of those so-called experts who once promised to look after the sick and especially the handicapped. Hence I'm in no mood to be joyful. It hurts deeply to see him not being able to enjoy the whole "holiday" charade and the stupid TV specials like other children. As someone told me last night, there's a possibility that any day could be my son's last and I simply don't have any intention of burying my son so early in his broken and limited life.

One thing that's made it easier for me to cope with all the charade of love and joy charade of the season has been listening to my all-time favorite Christmas record, Excelsis v.2 ~ a winter's song (http://www.projekt.com/projekt/product.asp?sku=PRO00092) with goth rock bands interpreting Christmas songs much more beautifully than I've ever heard them.

In all, this will be another dark and depressing Christmas. I might just lock myself in my room and watch Japanese horror/gore movies or whatever I might be in the mood for. Of course, my mother as usual will try to cheer me up and fail miserably only making me more upset.

On a good note, during the Christmas services, I'd try to help as much as I can and feel useful serving God in some cheap way -- all the while feeling miserable inside. Hopefully I'd be able to hold on to whatever's left of my faith.

my son's first ever seizure, eve of winter tears

In these cold days in the eve of winter, I've got to be careful not to think of son's health conditions. Tears freeze and mucus only becomes a mess.

What hurts most is the stupid behavior of many -- including so-called experts -- as they see my son as a second-class human not worth saving or healing (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-so-much-to.html). This attitude's offensive to my son and it angers me, but I've got to keep my emotions and actions on check. After all, I wouldn't be able to do much from a jail cell.

my son's first ever seizure, burning adrenaline & running on empty

I haven't slept well for the past eight days or so. I keep waking up to check on my son (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). In the past two days, I've started feeling the effects of lack of continuous sleep (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-sons-first-ever-seizure-week-later.html). Maybe I just worry too much for nothing -- then again maybe not (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/12/earth-heaven.html).

my son's first ever seizure, a week later

It's been a week since my son had a seizure while sleeping (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). That night (early Monday morning) I was much too worried to be scared. After that Odyssey, I was able to be scared to death for my son's health and well being. Seeing my son practically lifeless and almost dead (vegetative state, completely unresponsive to any stimuli like being patted on his shoulder or saying his name) is one of the two worst experiences in my life so far. The whole experience of going to sleep on his bed, having a seizure two hours later without waking up (whether aware of what was going on or not), falling unconscious and then waking up in a stretcher in an ambulance on our way to a hospital is without a doubt the worst experience my little boy's ever gone through.

Although I might feel more relaxed, I'm still fairly terrified of the possibility of another seizure. I can't sleep through out the night. I keep waking up to check on him and pushing him a little to make sure when he's motionless. I'm burning adrenaline more than ever (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/restless-me-always-burning-adrenaline.html) due to my lack of sleep and rest. Needless to say (type), I don't know if I could ever get used to or accept my son having any level of epilepsy or seeing pain in his eyes.

I keep praying for my son (close to never for myself), but my prayers aren't answered. Should I even bother asking God for help and to spare my child from the suffering? It's simply the worst cross I ever had to bear.

my son's first ever seizure, such a long week

It's been a long week in the aftermath of my nine-year-old having a seizure (http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-sons-first-ever-seizure.html). Many things have changed in the way I see life as it's now even more fragile than ever.

That night, I felt as if I was losing him again -- first to disease that no one cares to understand and now to this seizure with all its possible consequences. For example (hopefully not really an example), his brain seems to have been affected (hopefully a mere stupid hyperbole). He's violently moody, highly irritable, crying for no apparent reason (perhaps some level depression, anxiety) and senselessly giggling. His attention span seems to have dropped too -- barely looking me in the eye when I talk to him -- as if his adrenal system was completely shot (fight/flight all the time).

He's also got lots of coughing before and after seizure since he had trouble breathing right before the seizure. Of course, no one gives me direct answer if this coughing could be related to the seizure or not. Hopefully it's simply the result of his allergies (to wheat especially). Needless to say (type), I become worried every time he coughs.

How much longer can I hold on to my faith BEFORE DOUBTING INDEFINITELY?

empty inside (again)

I go to church every Sunday (at least, currently not going during the week), take Bible study classes before worship, help here and there whenever possible (taken pictures and video of events, currently doing live sound reinforcement, etc), enjoy Sunday worship, take notes and do some soul-searching, open myself to the Word of God and go to small groups after worship. It's at least a four-hour experience every Sunday. Nonetheless I feel empty inside.

"As much as I come to church every Sunday, I once again feel empty inside -- lack of faith."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-sunday-08012010.html

"So I hadn't gone to church in so long, about 13 years. Something told me that I had to go back to church one way or another."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2008/12/confused-no-news-there.html

"Is feeling too comfortable a bad Christian thing? Maybe it is."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2009/01/15-weeks-later.html

"In all, I'm still confused (my cheap excuse) and a total charlatan (the truth)."
http://project05952381.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-years-later-such-charlatan-that-i.html

I hope it's depression (BPD; http://project05952381.blogspot.com/search/label/depression) and not me losing my faith. It's been a roller coaster ride for the past two years with highs and deep lows. Maybe I'm not meant to be interested in or curious about religion. In such case, I'd be fighting once again my "evil" nature -- regardless how deeply embedded faith's in my psyche.

what in the bloody hell?

At times I wonder what the use of holding on to my faith could actually be. I keep looking for a way to get my nine-year-old healthy. Everything I try just falls apart and ends up being nothing more than a waste of time and effort. This gets me down and makes me want to cry. What in the bloody hell am I doing wrong!?

ministry of mine?

I can understand concepts like string theory (in which every decision we make creates a parallel universe; hence multiple realities existing; http://www.mkaku.org/home/?tag=string-theory), but religious concepts can be difficult to understand.

For example, if we're all ministers of faith, I guess I'm a minister by definition. That's a strange concept for me to grasp. After all, I understand (1) that a minister should propagate the Word of God and spread the Good News of the Kingdom of Heaven and (2) that the word "minister" isn't limited to the person heading a given congregation -- reverend, pastor, priest, vicar, rector or any similar term.

Said all this, am I doing my "job" well or at all as a minister of faith -- especially teaching my children or to others about God, religion or theology?

Further more, do I have enough faith to do any of these tasks or am I a simple salesman of an empty belief and faith?

As the expression goes, only time will tell, but I doubt it. By the way, does doubt mean lack of faith? Oh well, I guess I still have lots to learn -- much more than I thought.

afraid not to go to church one Sunday

Sometimes I wonder if it'd be too much of a big deal if I don't go to church one Sunday (considered a mortal sin in the Catholic church and tradition -- an idea not highly promoted in the Protestant Church). Well on my own accord, aside from breaking my personal record of 87 weeks straight going to church (FAPC; http://www.fapc.org/), I might feel that I could start skipping more Sundays perhaps much more often to the point where I might stop going all together. It's happened before and I've ended up not going to church for almost 13 years. I'm afraid to once again falling into a vicious cycle of going to church Sunday after Sunday and then disappearing for years at a time.

For the time being, I don't have any valid excuse (definitely no reason at all) to stop. I'd continue going to church -- specifically FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) where I feel most comfortable.

Now I must admit that I'm not sure if the increasing number of weeks that I've gone to FAPC (http://www.fapc.org/) feeds my ego or nourishes my soul. All I know is that I want to continue going to church at least once a week. Said the latter, at times I've gone to church three to four times in the same week as a personal need to get something. It used to be shelter, a way to hide from the world and from myself, a way to find God.

Nowadays what's that need and why do I have it? Could it be that I've found God and now I'm not too desperate to continue looking for him? Could it be that once again I'm losing my faith? Am I being truthful to myself and to God worshiping every Sunday and/or spending many hours in church (8:45am to about 2:00pm almost every Sunday, excluding summer time)?